[OT] A joke a post.

[Aluvial]

Cinderella is cleaning the fireplace and comes across an invitation to a ball stating that all single women in the land should attend it by royale decree. Unfortunately the ball is that very evening and since her evil step-sisters have left the invitation for her to eventually fine in the ahses... Cinderella cries and cries until...

<<<POOF>>>

The fairy godmother appears and in her goodness decides to assist poor Cinderella... "Dry your eyes dear. Whatever could be the matter?"

Cinderella replies, "There is a ball tonight but my evil step-sisters hid the invitation and now I can't gooooo..."

The fairy godmother says, "Don't worry Cinderella, come outside with me and I will get you to the ball in time." With a wave of her crystal wand the fairy godmother turns the hay wagon and nag into a beautiful carriage, and noble steed!

Cinderella looks impressed but begins to cry again, "But fairy godmother, I don't have a thing to wear!"

The fairy godmother looks her over and tells Cinderella, "Don't worry dear, I can fix that." With a wave of the wand she changes the soiled rag of a dress that Cinderella is wearing to a beautiful white gown with lace and sparkling fairy dust. All of the princesses in the land did not have as beautiful of a gown.

Cinderella was extremely happy but a frown loomed over her face... The fairy godmother asked her, "My word child. You have found the invitation, you have a carriage and the swiftest of horses, and a gown that cannot be duplicated. Whatever could be the problem?"

Cinderella then blushed and leaned into the fairy godmother and whispered, "I have the monthly visitor fairy godmother. I don't want to ruin the carriage or this beautiful dress."

The fairy godmother gave Cinderella a warm smile and said, "Don't worry yourself dear, I can fix that too." The fairy godmother then moved to a nearby pumkin patch and waved her wand... <<<pop>>> and the pumpkin turned into a tampon.

The fairy godmother then gave it to Cinderella who is so happy she kisses the fairy godmother on the cheek and hops into the carriage...

The fairy godmother then leaned into the carriage window and said, "Cinderella my magic is good and white. You must return home be midnight, for then my magic wanes and all that I've wrought will return to the way it started."

Cinderella promises to be home well before midnight and the horse and carriage pull off for the swift ride to the castle and the royale ball.

The fairy godmother yelled after her then, "Don't forget Cinderella, be home at midnight! Have fun dear!"

Cinderella is off to the ball. The fairy godmother decides that she better stay around until Cinderella returns, just in case there is trouble for the girl at the dance. Not to long after the hour of midnight approaches and Cinderella is nowhere to be seen. The fairy godmother doesn't worry though because she knows that Cinderella will keep her promise. But the minutes passed, and before long there was the chiming of the clock in the hall.

Midnight and NO Cinderella! The fairy godmother went outside and began to pace, looking over the horizon for the girl. But Cinderella did not return that hour or the next. By now the fairy godmother was completely distraught. Where could she be? It was two in the morning. Perhaps there was an accident...

At three-thirty in the morning the fairy godmother finally hears a horse's hooves on the lane. As the old woman ran down the lane to see who it was, she notices the old nag pulling the hay wagon... The fairy godmother started yelling, "Cinderella, Cinderella, are you there? Are you OK!?" As she reaches the back of the wagon she sees Cinderella sleeping in the hay her hair all amiss.

"Cinderella where have you been? I've been worried sick! You were supposed to be home hours ago..."

Cinderella props herself up on one elbow in the hay and with a dreamy smile responds, "Oh, fairy godmother. The ball was just like a dream, and I met the nicest guy. Have you ever met him? His name is Peter Peter."

Aluvial

 

[kingpaul]

Q: What's a duck's favorite movie?
A: A duckumentary

Q: What's a lion's favorite movie?
A: The mane event

 

[howandwhy99]

So this isn't really a joke, but...


About a year ago I was in Seattle meeting with the CTO of a company who now contract's with the company I work for. It was a pretty important trip and I was anxious to make a good first impression. As the plane came in early, I walked over to the VIP seating lounge off the main terminal where I was supposed to meet with the lady in question. Lo and behold I see lots of security at the front door, but I was allowed inside after showing my VIP pass.

The interior consisted of wood paneled walls and several brown leather chairs. It's a pretty nice place, if you can get in. Anyways, the extra security was in place because a certain local celebrity was also at the airport that day: Bill Gates. I don't know why he was there, but he was sitting and talking with a few fellow businessmen.

I must admit I was kind of starstruck and decided to at least say hello. After all, it was doubtful I'd ever have another chance to meet the most powerful person in my field. So, I walked over and introduced myself and somehow got included in the ring of conversation. Talk was pointedly not about the software industry, but before excusing myself to go sit down, I did ask Bill whether he could do a small favor for me or not.

"You see, I'm meeting a very important client for the first time and if you could just come over and say hi, I think it would really seal the deal."

If I remember correctly, he asked for my name before agreeing, but he did say yes. And I went over to sit and wait, even more nervous than before. After about 15 minutes, the CTO finally showed up with two men, one of whom turned out to be our future Client Manager. At first, she asked me about the trip and was maneuvering for us to leave and I had to lie about being extra tired (coming from the East Coast) and wanting to sit for a few minutes.

We all sat down and started discussing an overview of what my company offered, when the moment I had been waiting for finally happened. I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and I turn around and saw Bill Gates. He said, "Hi, XXXXX. How have you been?" (I was smiling inside, because the other three were noticeably awed).

So, I turned directly toward him and said,
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F OFF BILL!! I'M IN A MEETING!

(that really sealed the deal)

 

[Savage Wombat]

Not a political joke, really

An Iraqi general calls a meeting of all of Saddam Hussein's body doubles.

"I have good news, and bad news for you," he begins.

"The good news is that Saddam, our glorious leader, has survived the attacks by the US and is still in full control."

"The bad news ... is that he's lost an arm."

 

[Datt]

You know that would be pretty funny if it wasn't incredibly close to a beer comercial staring Busta Rhymes.

 

[Angelsboi]

Ok here is mine.

Once upon a time there was a poor chinese farmer named Ping. Ping had a cow he had named Bumpty. Now Bumpty was no ordinary cow. She didnt moo but clucked like the heens. Ping called it 'heathering'.

So he left China and came to America with Bumpty and set up a farm and people started flocking from all over to pay to see Bumpty. Well the money started rolling in and he became wealthy and he bought himself a nice red porche.

Well one day he went outside and Bumpty was sick. She wouldnt heather. So he took her to the hens that clucked and still nothing. he drove his car around and honked the horn (because Bumpty liked that) and still nothing.

Well a few days later Bumpty passed on and Ping died a poor, penniless man.

The moral?

All of Pings porches and all of Pings hens, couldnt get Bumpty to heather again!

 

[howandwhy99]

Not a political joke.... really

One day, George W Bush was walking along and ran into a strange looking man. He was tall. He was old. He wore a white robe. He had long white hair and a long white beard. And he carried two stone tablets.

George W. walked up to him and said "hey, you're Moses!"

The man turned around and walked away.

So George W. ran along side of him and said said "hey! You're Moses!"

The man started to run away and George chased after him.

Cornering him, George said "Hey, you're Moses!"

The man looked up at him and said,
"Hey yourself! The last time I talked with a bush I wound up wandering the desert for 40 years!"

 

[Tom Cashel]

My favorite joke

Turns out that Percy Shelley (the great Irish poet) and Mike (an Irishman) die and go to heaven at the exact…same…moment.

“No, no,” stammers St. Peter, consulting his big golden book, “this isn’t right at all! You aren’t both supposed to be here.”

“So?” scoffs Shelley, “Just let us in.”

“Oh, heavens no!” says St. Peter. “That’s against the rules.”

“It figures,” mutters Mike.

“How can we settle this…?” St. Peter scratches his head, knowing full well whom he’d prefer to admit. “I have it! We’ll have a poetry contest! Whoever composes the best verse on the spot, using the word…umm…Timbuktu, shall gain admittance to the Great Hereafter.”

“It figures,” mutters Mike.

“Perfect!” cries Shelley. “I’ll go first:

“Upon the shore of a foreign land
Gazing out across the sand
I spy a ship upon the blue
Destination: Timbuktu.”

Peter cannot contain his applause. “That was wonderful! Let me just get my keys,” he says and moves toward the Gates.

“Hold it!” yells Mike. “I haven’t had me turn yet!”

Peter sighs. “Fine. If you think you can do better, let’s hear it.”

Mike clears his throat.

“Me and Tim to Dublin went,
Spied three lovelies in a tent.
They be three and we be two,
So I buk one and Timbuktu.”

 

[sparhawk]

Why is 6 scared of 7





7, 8, 9

 

[Airwolf]

Okay, here we go!

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says,
"Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been
with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully
her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but
you must atone for your sins. Your penance will
be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean
slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four
Hail Marys and three good leads."