[OT] Hurting. (I warn you, this is *very* OT
- Thread starter kylekornkven
- Start date
Kyle, Iknow I cant say anything to relieve any of your pain, but know that you are not alone. I will throw my name into the "been there" stash.
If anyone wants to hear my story:
My first GF (in High school) and I were dating for almost 5 years. We had a semi distant relationship (100 miles apart) but i got see her every weekend. And I did tell he I love here everyday- and showed her through the way i acted, and presents, and everything. I was planning a future with her- in my schoolwork, job, and future career. we even sat down to talk about what we awanted for our wedding...I was faithful- and unwaivering...sorry i can't say the same for her.
After 5 years, she asked me for some time off. I thought she just needed some space- so I gave it to her. Then she said she wanted to see other epople. I thought it was her way of saying she wanted some variety. Then she told me it was over.
the next few months were the worst in my life. i could not concentrate on classes, or anything (college) and my grades fell- (I came an inch away from being kicked out of school) I sat on top of a parking structure (6 stories) and contemplated just flinging myself off. I sat on its edge for eight hours. the only thing that kept me sane was the thought of a friend that has listened to my stories for the last two months and how special she made me feel. And i thought about how sad she would feel if I did jump... and so i came off and went to tell her how grateful I was.
To sum up what i learned from that:
It is not your fault. Sure, you lost your job, and were depressed, and closed yourself off from her. but being your wife, she should have understood what you were going through, and stayed by your side.
And you can't think back (although it is somethign taht everyone does) and punish yourself by saying "If only I did this..." because you didnt. "If" questions only add fuel to the fire.
From what I hear of your story, I dont think it would have made a difference. When a person decides on something, there is little that can change it. I loved my GF,and proved it everyday. I made her a part of my family (family is the most important part of my life), gave her gifts, spend as much time as i could with her, give her random presents, surprise her with trinkets, and the end result was the same. she just lost the feeling that she once had.
the best i can do is offer my sympathies, and know that I truly feel your pain. Give it a couple of weeks, and then find a hobby that consumes all your time. this should keep your mind off of the matter- and then move on with your life...in whichever direction it takes you.
If you feel that your wife still loves you and your son is special to you and that this relationship will work out, then you can continue it. But if you feel that you can never forgive her, or forgive but not forget, then you should accept the divorce and move on. though the two of you are separated, that does not mean you have to give up your son. Love him as you always have, and be in his life, and he will grow up as normal as can be... with a minor emotional scar.
And if you do decide to get back together with your wife, you must forgive her and forget this incident. If you forgive but not forget, then it will tear apart the relationship- again. it will haunt you and you will suffer the daily tourment of a past event that cannot be changed.
I am truly sorry- and i hope you can see that the world is a better place than what is presented to you now. just pick yourself up and tell yourself that "i have a son, and he is the most beautiful boy in the worlds. And he is worth everything..."
and there are people out there that love you. At a time like this, seek out suport, from friends and family. Sometimes, all you really need to move on, is a hug from someone you care about, and care for you...
If anyone wants to hear my story:
My first GF (in High school) and I were dating for almost 5 years. We had a semi distant relationship (100 miles apart) but i got see her every weekend. And I did tell he I love here everyday- and showed her through the way i acted, and presents, and everything. I was planning a future with her- in my schoolwork, job, and future career. we even sat down to talk about what we awanted for our wedding...I was faithful- and unwaivering...sorry i can't say the same for her.
After 5 years, she asked me for some time off. I thought she just needed some space- so I gave it to her. Then she said she wanted to see other epople. I thought it was her way of saying she wanted some variety. Then she told me it was over.
the next few months were the worst in my life. i could not concentrate on classes, or anything (college) and my grades fell- (I came an inch away from being kicked out of school) I sat on top of a parking structure (6 stories) and contemplated just flinging myself off. I sat on its edge for eight hours. the only thing that kept me sane was the thought of a friend that has listened to my stories for the last two months and how special she made me feel. And i thought about how sad she would feel if I did jump... and so i came off and went to tell her how grateful I was.
To sum up what i learned from that:
It is not your fault. Sure, you lost your job, and were depressed, and closed yourself off from her. but being your wife, she should have understood what you were going through, and stayed by your side.
And you can't think back (although it is somethign taht everyone does) and punish yourself by saying "If only I did this..." because you didnt. "If" questions only add fuel to the fire.
From what I hear of your story, I dont think it would have made a difference. When a person decides on something, there is little that can change it. I loved my GF,and proved it everyday. I made her a part of my family (family is the most important part of my life), gave her gifts, spend as much time as i could with her, give her random presents, surprise her with trinkets, and the end result was the same. she just lost the feeling that she once had.
the best i can do is offer my sympathies, and know that I truly feel your pain. Give it a couple of weeks, and then find a hobby that consumes all your time. this should keep your mind off of the matter- and then move on with your life...in whichever direction it takes you.
If you feel that your wife still loves you and your son is special to you and that this relationship will work out, then you can continue it. But if you feel that you can never forgive her, or forgive but not forget, then you should accept the divorce and move on. though the two of you are separated, that does not mean you have to give up your son. Love him as you always have, and be in his life, and he will grow up as normal as can be... with a minor emotional scar.
And if you do decide to get back together with your wife, you must forgive her and forget this incident. If you forgive but not forget, then it will tear apart the relationship- again. it will haunt you and you will suffer the daily tourment of a past event that cannot be changed.
I am truly sorry- and i hope you can see that the world is a better place than what is presented to you now. just pick yourself up and tell yourself that "i have a son, and he is the most beautiful boy in the worlds. And he is worth everything..."
and there are people out there that love you. At a time like this, seek out suport, from friends and family. Sometimes, all you really need to move on, is a hug from someone you care about, and care for you...
Storm Raven
First Post
kylekornkven said:
[SNIP]
Think about it this way if it will make you feel better: Christopher has decided to saddle himself for the rest of his life with someone who would behave like this. As long as he is with her, he will have to look over his shoulder at every other guy she talks to and wonder "will she do it again?" He has decided to tie himself to a person who would behave in such a reprehensible manner and then dodge out of her responsibility for her actions by blaming you. I'm guessing that they are split up within a short period of time, and she'll move on to her next easy man-fix with someone she cheats on him with. Even if they don't, he will always have that uncertainty eating at him.
The only thing I feel really bad about is that your child has a person of such low character for a mother. But that can't be helped at this point.
Furn_Darkside
First Post
kylekornkven said:
Salutations,
No need to apologize, and good luck to you.
Please do your best to stay a constant and positive presence in your son's life.
These situations too often leave the children stranded and confused.
FD
King_Stannis
Explorer
kyle:
your friend christopher is a snake, and i don't blame you for wanting to kill him. hopefully, when he dies, there will be a nice place for him and all other homewreckers. he is evil.
your wife is the mother of your child, a fact that won't change. based on your description, though, she seems like one of these women who goes around saying that she's "not fulfilled". it's a shame she didn' t think about your son when she slept with your friend. in other words, she's selfish.
the two deserve each other.
it's now up to you to make sure you can see your son as much as possible. even if it means swallowing your rage and smiling when you pick him up and have to look at her (them). i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't see my son, i can only imagine the suffering you go through each night before bed.
as someone suggested, keep busy in the short term. in the long term, don't do anything rash that will mess up your relationship with your son. he needs you. finally, make her regret her choice. do all that you can do to become a successful and happy (if wounded) person. find another woman - you will in time. keep in good shape physically. try to find a good job near your son. easy to say, i know. but you have to at least try. don't give up and wallow in self pity for years. right now it's understandable, your still bleeding. but in the end you will be a stronger person.
your friend christopher is a snake, and i don't blame you for wanting to kill him. hopefully, when he dies, there will be a nice place for him and all other homewreckers. he is evil.
your wife is the mother of your child, a fact that won't change. based on your description, though, she seems like one of these women who goes around saying that she's "not fulfilled". it's a shame she didn' t think about your son when she slept with your friend. in other words, she's selfish.
the two deserve each other.
it's now up to you to make sure you can see your son as much as possible. even if it means swallowing your rage and smiling when you pick him up and have to look at her (them). i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't see my son, i can only imagine the suffering you go through each night before bed.
as someone suggested, keep busy in the short term. in the long term, don't do anything rash that will mess up your relationship with your son. he needs you. finally, make her regret her choice. do all that you can do to become a successful and happy (if wounded) person. find another woman - you will in time. keep in good shape physically. try to find a good job near your son. easy to say, i know. but you have to at least try. don't give up and wallow in self pity for years. right now it's understandable, your still bleeding. but in the end you will be a stronger person.
kylekornkven
First Post
Speechless
I really don't know what to say here. When I wrote that post, I felt it would be good just to say what happened to me, not really expecting anyone to hear it. Kind of like shouting something from a mountain. I can't believe the outpouring of support that all of you gave me. After reading your replies, I found tears rolling down my face. Thank you all so very very much for this. Every one of you helped. Everything you all said was a huge help. ....words can't express how I feel right now. It may sound stupid and unbelievable, but I love you people. For all the arguing that can sometimes go on on these boards, we really are a community and when the time comes, we step up for one another as a community. And that is a beautiful thing.
Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your words. They mean the world to me.
Getting better,
Kyle
I really don't know what to say here. When I wrote that post, I felt it would be good just to say what happened to me, not really expecting anyone to hear it. Kind of like shouting something from a mountain. I can't believe the outpouring of support that all of you gave me. After reading your replies, I found tears rolling down my face. Thank you all so very very much for this. Every one of you helped. Everything you all said was a huge help. ....words can't express how I feel right now. It may sound stupid and unbelievable, but I love you people. For all the arguing that can sometimes go on on these boards, we really are a community and when the time comes, we step up for one another as a community. And that is a beautiful thing.
Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your words. They mean the world to me.
Getting better,
Kyle
I can't really imagine what it must feel like to go through what you now must face but I imagine that you feel worthless, hurt betrayed and lost. I know it probably won't make you feel any better, but despite all your self doubt and questioning what you could have done to make your relationship work, you did not make the decision to violate your marriage vows. She did.
Several posters have told you to evaluate if your relationship is worth working to save. I would strongly advise against doing so, unless both of you are absolutely committed, and she certainly does not seem so.
If you do, you both must go to conseling to find out and rectify the situation that made this come to pass. And you both must be absolutely sure that you will never bring this incident up in anger in an argument years from now. Many very religious people keep from getting divorces because they consider it a very sinful thing, and want to stay together for the 'sake of the children.'
That is a horrible reason, because no matter how painful a divorce is, a child will eventually get closure of some sort. A child living with parents who are constantly at each others throats, always has open wounds. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, and its terrible when you fear coming home because of yelling, or even worse because of total silence. I speak from personal experiance, and it horribly inhibits your ability to form social bonds. Don't think your doing a child any favors by staying in a loveless marriage.
BTW, don't worry about me. I've found a wonderful girl, who has gone through the same experiance as me. And we are able to draw each other out of our shells and comfort each other, and as a result of constantly seeing our parents seething with resentment and anger we always make sure that we let each other know we love each other, and we clearly and openly discuss everything.
Several posters have told you to evaluate if your relationship is worth working to save. I would strongly advise against doing so, unless both of you are absolutely committed, and she certainly does not seem so.
If you do, you both must go to conseling to find out and rectify the situation that made this come to pass. And you both must be absolutely sure that you will never bring this incident up in anger in an argument years from now. Many very religious people keep from getting divorces because they consider it a very sinful thing, and want to stay together for the 'sake of the children.'
That is a horrible reason, because no matter how painful a divorce is, a child will eventually get closure of some sort. A child living with parents who are constantly at each others throats, always has open wounds. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, and its terrible when you fear coming home because of yelling, or even worse because of total silence. I speak from personal experiance, and it horribly inhibits your ability to form social bonds. Don't think your doing a child any favors by staying in a loveless marriage.
BTW, don't worry about me. I've found a wonderful girl, who has gone through the same experiance as me. And we are able to draw each other out of our shells and comfort each other, and as a result of constantly seeing our parents seething with resentment and anger we always make sure that we let each other know we love each other, and we clearly and openly discuss everything.
William Ronald
Explorer
Kyle,
May you find peace.
There has been much that has been said here that is true and wise.
You must be strong for yourself and your child. You should not blame yourself for what has happened. Is it possible that you could have behaved differently than you did? Yes, but it might not have had any impact on your wife's actions.
She betrayed her marriage vows. This was a conscious act, and she may well have used Christopher. Mind you, both are at fault. In the end, it was their decision not any action of yours that lead to their adulterous affair.
It seems that your wife is unlikely to return to you, based on the information you have given me. If you decide to take her back, then I would strongly advise counselling. If she does not return, you may want to seek counsel from someone you trust, either a member of the clergy, family, or a close friend. You need not keep your pain inside yourself.
If your marriage is at an end, be grateful that you have a loving child. I have had love come to an end because a woman was unable to make any commitment. Do not blame yourself for what has happened. In time, you will be able to move on with your life. You may well find someone who truly is a soul mate and a true mother to your son.
Kyle, you should be commended for not resorting to violence. As great as your pain was, you realized that violence would have hurt your family. You rightfully decided that your son was your first priority. He will benefit from your wise decision in the years to come.
E-mail me if you need someone to talk to in this hard time. Remember, we all have our own struggles. Yet we need not struggle alone.
Best wishes,
William
May you find peace.
There has been much that has been said here that is true and wise.
You must be strong for yourself and your child. You should not blame yourself for what has happened. Is it possible that you could have behaved differently than you did? Yes, but it might not have had any impact on your wife's actions.
She betrayed her marriage vows. This was a conscious act, and she may well have used Christopher. Mind you, both are at fault. In the end, it was their decision not any action of yours that lead to their adulterous affair.
It seems that your wife is unlikely to return to you, based on the information you have given me. If you decide to take her back, then I would strongly advise counselling. If she does not return, you may want to seek counsel from someone you trust, either a member of the clergy, family, or a close friend. You need not keep your pain inside yourself.
If your marriage is at an end, be grateful that you have a loving child. I have had love come to an end because a woman was unable to make any commitment. Do not blame yourself for what has happened. In time, you will be able to move on with your life. You may well find someone who truly is a soul mate and a true mother to your son.
Kyle, you should be commended for not resorting to violence. As great as your pain was, you realized that violence would have hurt your family. You rightfully decided that your son was your first priority. He will benefit from your wise decision in the years to come.
E-mail me if you need someone to talk to in this hard time. Remember, we all have our own struggles. Yet we need not struggle alone.
Best wishes,
William
Ds Da Man
First Post
Blah, Blah, Blah.....Both Chris and your wife is in the wrong. I know it hurts, but toughen up. Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't blame yourself for her spreading her legs! And never let'em know how much you hurt, suck it up, find some strange, and act like it doesn't even bother you when you talk to the witch. She's not the only fish in the sea.
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