A couple months ago, I entered I inherited few acres of swamp land in a flood plain. Not long after, I inherited 25,000 gold pieces. So, I built a house on my new land. Last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
A great king was running low on cash after years of war. His last great possession was the Star of the World, the most valuable diamond ever. Desperate, he went to the pawnbroker to ask for a loan.
The pawbroker said, "I'll give you 100,000 gold pieces for it."
"But I paid a million gold pieces for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He tried ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
My father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn't a free mason.
There was once a dromedary whose fur was the exact same color as the desert sand. Thus, was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.
I used to want to be a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.
The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales, and gave himself a weigh.
The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.
A man walks into a store and asks if they have a tool for breaking up some hard ground. The shopkeeper points to a row of suitable tools along the wall and replies: "Certainly, sir, take your pick."
Why do people become bakers? Because they knead the dough!
If a spider is in a corn field, does she make cob webs?
I know a farmer who has 200 head of cattle. He thought there were only 196 until he rounded them up.
Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?
At the rum factory loading dock, all of the workers speak in verse. It shows that rhymes fly when you're heaving rum.
Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older? That's why we call them groan-ups.
They accused her of stealing the broach but they just couldn't pin it on her.
There's warnings of a new disease found in soft butter. Apparently it spreads very easily.
Three of my fingers are willing to write, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.
A sandwich walks into a tavern. The barkeep says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here.
Although she was afraid of mice, it didn't keep her from eeking out a living at a pet store.
Did you hear about the man who dressed up as a baby horse? He made a complete foal of himself.
When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
When the knight walked into the blacksmith's shop, the blacksmith said, "Welcome, you've got mail."
What do you call a well behaved pet snake? A civil serpent.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.
Why was the zombie surprised when his girlfriend showed up early for their date? He didn't ex-spectre until midnight.
There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail. But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket.
I crossed a dog with a hen and got pooched eggs.
I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
When ancient wall sculptors were finished, it was a relief.
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
A criminal wrote a book that explained how he couldn't have committed the crime. It was his alibiography.
