Pimping the Paladin's Ride

[ColonelHardisson]

I think it's the fact the paladin is providing his horse as a stud to the highest bidder that has me stuck. Yeah, I know a paladin is a person who may want a little extra cash occasionally (perhaps to tithe to his church?). However, it strikes me that if he knows his horse is exceptional in the sense of being celestial in nature, that he would be more selective in who he allowed to use its services. Perhaps he would try to breed exceptional horses for his order, if he has one, or for an order of knights whose ideals are similar to his.

 

[Darmanicus]

Really, though, I can just see it.

"My the might of THOR, god of the thunders, I summon by faithful steed from his magnificent stable to aid me in the cause of Righteousness!"

(Golden light effect, celestial voices singing).

(Brillant warhorse, girded for battle appears in teh air and joins the paladin by his side).

"Greetings noble warrior, how my I aid thee in battle? Shall we trample more trolls & send their blighted souls to dwell with Loki?"

"No noble steed, the task I have today is much greater than any mere troll."

"Then, giants it is! How I shall love to redden my hooves against their.... Umm, we seem to be in the middle of a pasture. Where are the giants?"

'Well, you see" (Trying to hide large bag of gold behind his shield) "The warriors of this brave, noble, holy village need true steeds worthy of them to lead them into battle."

"Ahhhh. They wish to learn the ways of the Paladin then, so they might one day be able to call upon allies such as myself."

"Well, they don't need THAT good of steeds. Maybe one step down. And they can wait a few years before they actually NEED the steeds."

"So what ARE you trying to say?"

"Ummm, you see those 50 phillies? Well you've got 12 hours, so that'll give you about 14 minutes a piece to..."

"Oh sweet, merciful Freya! You don't mean to implie I should..."

"Well, yeah. They paid in advance & you know those war oprhans & widows at the temple in Rieksbrag need money for food and shelter. So, umm, do you need some privacy for this?"

"How am I supposed to...."

"Oh, don't worry, I got the local priestess from the Church of Fertility here. She's got a spell so you won't have to worry about running out, so to speak. You're down to 13 minutes a piece. Remember the war orphans, and the widows. Or may be a nice, sleek quarterhorse, or a big, beefy clydesdale. Whatever rocks your heavens. I don't judge."

"By all Thor holds Sacred, I wish you didn't have so many ranks in Bluff."

Pure class VD!!!

 

[Lord Pendragon]

I don't know. I just.. don't agree with this. It's sentient, it's intelligent, but it's still a horse.

But that's just it. It's not a horse anymore. A horse is an [Animal]. A paladin's mount becomes a [Magical Beast].

It still has the basic instincts of a horse IMO. Which means when it's in the vicinity of a mare who's gone into heat, there's every likelihood that the horse wants to go mate with said mare(s).

Humans still have the basic instincts of an ape, but human sexuality is far more complex than instinct. Why? Because you have to add sentient intelligence into the equasion. IMO it's the same with animals that have been granted sentience through some means. Paladin mounts, familiars, awakened critters...these creatures become more than animals, with all the complications that go along with that.

Now this is not to say that a paladin's warhorse would never mate with an ordinary horse. I merely believe it'd be more complicated than the automatic response of an animal. Perhaps a better illustration than a human and an ape/bigfoot would be the hero in the recent Planet of the Apes remake. He was certainly interested in getting it on with Estella Warren, despite the fact that she was...less than "bright." But he certainly wasn't willing to mate with whatever female was put in front of him, despite the fact that after a while his needs would be rather insistent.

So I could see the warhorse finding a filly somewhere particularly attractive, despite her inability to understand his world. And I do believe that he'd feel the pull of a female in heat. But at the same time, sentient intelligence means that there'd be much more involved in whether or not he wanted to mate.

As far as the party Barbarian.. hey, if he's okay with being pimped out, who are you to forbid him?

A paladin.

 

[cmanos]

Maybe the Church thinks its a great idea for the paladin to breed half-celestial warhorses. So he can sell them to the Church. At cost.

More than likely the church would be the organization breeding the half-celestial horses for their crusade against dark...IF a feat induced template breeds true. I would say not. Actually, I'd take it a little further and say the terrestrial hourse gene is dominant and supresses the celestial gene, while on Mount Celestia, it could breed true.

Granted if it was THAT easy, every Paladin would have a half-celestial horse.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

But that's just it. It's not a horse anymore. A horse is an [Animal]. A paladin's mount becomes a [Magical Beast].

That's my main issue with this. (Nice to see this thread rise from the purgatory of page 25 or wherever it was at).

The Paladin's horse has an Intelligence of 9 (in this case). I mean that's more than three times greater than Paris Hilton! And 7 higher than a horse. He's a sentient creature now. Shouldn't his mating habits be a bit more refined. I understand the dating scene for Intelligent animals is a little sparse, but would it really be that desperate? Not much of a date is it?

"Hey, you pretty fillie! Want to hear about the time I Smited the Arch-Lich Dickus Clarkus Singel-Hoovedly?"

"Nieghheeeee!"

"Oookkayyy. If I said you hand a beauti... HEY! You just CRAPPED there, why are you eating that grass! That is Disgusting. Oh, Please stop, I think I'm going to be sick."

"Nieghheeeee!"

I'm thinking of just giving the Mount enough extra HD so it can get the Vow of Abstinece Feat from the BoED. Then he can tell the Paladin to stuff it.

I mean this would be like telling a human to mate with a barely compewtent member of society. (Looks up Paris Hilton Nude on GOOGLE). Ok, maybe some people (horses?) have pretty low standards.

Plus, the next time he pulls this, I'll let it slide. It doesn't mention the Paladin's STEED is Immune to STD's does it?

 

[SidusLupus]

Look it up, Paladin mounts aren't Magical Beasts. They're Animals treated as magical beasts, but retain the Animal type (d8 hd, 3/4 bab ect.) So it's a smart animal.

Pimping the horse out for cash seems like a general no no, since the mount is a gift from god. If the money were used to benefit the church somehow, I would say that to be alright. Gift from god being used to benefit the god's church. However, using the money for simply selfish reasons is out of the question.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

Look it up, Paladin mounts aren't Magical Beasts. They're Animals treated as magical beasts, but retain the Animal type (d8 hd, 3/4 bab ect.) So it's a smart animal.

Yes, but he took a Feat to up it to add the Celestial Template onto it, Thus making it a REAL Magical Beast.

In my games Paladins have 2 options.

1. You get a Magical Beast (Native) that sticks around all the time (like the 3.0 mount).

2. You get a Magical Beast (Extraplanar) that comes when summoned (3.5 standard).

The difference between Magical Beast and Animal is smal enough that I feel better having the Mount be a Magical Beast LIKE ALL THE RULES SAY IT SHOULD BE. Than an Animal (WHICH CAN'T HAVE AN INT ABOVE 2) that has an Int above 2, but isn't a magical beast, ecen though the description for both animal & magical beast call an animal with Int above 2 a MAGICAL BEAST not an ANIMAL.

A Paladins mount should really be a Magical Beast anyway. I mean if you made a monster just like a Paladin's Mount, but no Paladin, it would be a Magical Beast not an Animal.

The upgrade to d10, better AB (?), slightly better saves has never caused any game inbalence.

Using the Mount as a Portable Holy Sperm Bank. That's another story.

 

[Darmanicus]

But that's just it. It's not a horse anymore. A horse is an [Animal]. A paladin's mount becomes a [Magical Beast].

AND? The only difference is the magical bit considering a horse IS a beast. And what does the magical thang do? Grants smiting, DR, resistance......NOT a change in personality. If anything it's an alignment thang!

Humans still have the basic instincts of an ape, but human sexuality is far more complex than instinct.

Profound statement to say the least!!! It's not far more complex at all, in fact I'd go as far to say as sexuality and insticts are very much interwined but this point is irrelevant anyway.

Why? Because you have to add sentient intelligence into the equasion. IMO it's the same with animals that have been granted sentience through some means. Paladin mounts, familiars, awakened critters...these creatures become more than animals, with all the complications that go along with that.

Just remember that the increased intelligence doesn't mean a hell of a lot, it's not as though they've graduated with honours thru Cambridge University or something!!!! In fact all that's happened is that they've become a smarter animal. Your point with regards to apes and humans particulalry makes a point considering when you compare the two, an intelligence difference is one of MANY BIG differences between the two species. You're talking about evolution over a huge timescale whereas the comparison is just a class ability with a template chucked on.

Now this is not to say that a paladin's warhorse would never mate with an ordinary horse. I merely believe it'd be more complicated than the automatic response of an animal. Perhaps a better illustration than a human and an ape/bigfoot would be the hero in the recent Planet of the Apes remake. He was certainly interested in getting it on with Estella Warren, despite the fact that she was...less than "bright." But he certainly wasn't willing to mate with whatever female was put in front of him, despite the fact that after a while his needs would be rather insistent.

Cr@ppy comparison, they were apes and he was human. A horse is a horse is a horse. Our example, just because he was more intelligent, wouldn't put him off at all, he'd be starting on the equivalent of the equine Karma Sutra if anything!!!

So I could see the warhorse finding a filly somewhere particularly attractive, despite her inability to understand his world. And I do believe that he'd feel the pull of a female in heat. But at the same time, sentient intelligence means that there'd be much more involved in whether or not he wanted to mate.A paladin.

'Much more involved'??? Please be more specific, I'm DYING to hear what could possibly be floating thru the poor stallions mind.........

"Cr@p man, I can't be doin' that fine filly at a time like this, I got me exams in the morning"!!!

It's a horse with battle stats and a couple of odds and sods, NOT a totally different creature.

 

[Bront]

Why are you assuming every Paladin's horse is male? What about the female paladin mounts?

Paladin: "Here Buttercup."

Horse: "You aint' riding me in this condition, now where are my picked oats?"

Paladin: "What happened to you?"

Horse: "You know what happened. You're the bastard that set it up right? You get the gold, and I get to bear this. Pig."

 

[Darmanicus]

Why are you assuming every Paladin's horse is male? What about the female paladin mounts?

Paladin: "Here Buttercup."

Horse: "You aint' riding me in this condition, now where are my picked oats?"

Paladin: "What happened to you?"

Horse: "You know what happened. You're the bastard that set it up right? You get the gold, and I get to bear this. Pig."

LoL!!!