Player Ostracism: Advice Needed

[reveal]

I haven't finished reading the thread yet, and, reveal, I'm only picking on you because over the last few weeks, it seems to me that you're the one to pick on when somebody gets an attitude, not because what you've said is subtantially different than the consensus.

No problem.

I think this situation, however, is different than what you described. You've got a group of people, including Spud, who have continued to associate with each other and are friends. Wormwood only hangs out with Spud and isn't friends with the other guys. Spud is his best friend. Suddenly, the guys who Spud is supposedly friends with ask Wormwood to join the group and not tell Spud.

At this point, I wouldn't be concerned about my own feelings, just say "No thanks" and leave it at that. I would be more concerned about Spud. These guys are supposed to be his friends yet they pull something like this on him? That's not being a friend, that's being a jerk.

And when Spud learns this happened (if Wormwood doesn't tell him he WILL find out some other way) who will Spud be more angry at? His "friends?" Nope. He'll be mad at Wormwood because they are supposed to be best friends and trust each other. As Crothian said, not telling him would be the same as lying to him. And that's not what true friends do to each other.

 

[Treebore]

Joe,

I didn't say let him ruin the game, I said let him know your problems with his gaming "style" and tell him what he MUST do to be allowed to play with the group, or he doesn't play. From what I read if he quit doing his "jerk" behaviors they like him. So if he can quit being a jerk he can play, if he can't he doesn't. Simple maturity, accepting the facts of each others shortcomings and working them out, or being mature enough to stay out of an activity you can't "behave" properly enough for it to be fun for everyone.

Playing this "exclusion" and "don't tell him" isn't friendship, and it sounds like they at least act like friends with all the other activities they do together. So are they real friends, or are they still playing kiddy games?

I have had to kick people out of groups before, but when they seemed like people who could learn to change (ie knew what being mature is), we gave them that chance by telling them exactly what their problems were (or problems we had with them) and what needed to happen for us to game together.
Some were able to change enough, most went elsewhere. But we/I treated them with enough respect to give them a chance to stay.

So it sounds to me like they aren't being a real friend to this guy. He is being treated like a "buddy", not a friend. Friends are honest and open with each other, not secretive and exclusionary.

 

[Mystery Man]

Now, I'm the first to admit that Spud isn't one of my favorite players when it comes to roleplaying. He complains, undermines the DM, and acts like a judgemental jerk at the table. [/size][/font]In non-gaming situations, he's a prince. Unfortunately he loves gaming, and doesn't seem to see what a jerk he is at the table.

Well, maybe you'll have some real genuine fun at the gaming table for once.

Similar situation for me but in reverse. I run a game where I had two best friends (with each other) playing and I had to boot one with similar traits at the gaming table as your buddy. Not to mention he was a mean drunk and verbally abusive. The other half of the best friend relationship accepted the call and was actually relieved a bit. Everyone including the best friend who plays have a much better time now and the two are still best friends.

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

Your former gaming group members have extended a conditional invitation. Should you choose to accept their invitation as-is you also accept the condition to keep your particpation and the game itself a secret. Doing so would clearly be impolite to your friend, "Spud". Spud could easily interpret it as an intentionally insulting lie of omission (and wouldn't be far off), therefore you should NOT accept the invitation as-is.

You should respond to the invitation that you would be quite happy to play, but that their conditions are rather RUDE as they would clearly endanger your friendship with Spud. If they do not want Spud to participate and do not invite him that is certainly their perogative, but you don't have to be complicit in their cowardice to be frank with other people. You don't have to go out of your way to tell Spud that he is UNinvited, but neither do you need to tell him unless you feel it is important for him to know. Spud doesn't have a right to hinge your freindship on your participation with this game any more than the other players have a right to place you in the position they are.

Frankly, these "friends" are not friends at all that you should want to game with if they're going to be this way. By all means play if you want but don't LIE (openly or by omission) to Spud to do so. Don't tell Spud anything until you get a response back about refusing to lie to your friends. If you decide to play tell Spud up front. I'd also agree with the suggestion that you ASK Spud if he's willing to let you play without him. He ought to be, but this is likely to leave bad blood between Spud and the others even so and you'll have to be ready for that.