Player Ostracism: Advice Needed

[William Ronald]

It may be possible to help Spud with his problems as a roleplayer. However, I am not sure that you will be able to have him join the old group again.

However, I think approaching the group with the advice S'mon gave might work. Possibly, the group might reconsider. However, I do consider it important to keep Spud's friendship, so not telling him about the game and going to it would hurt his feelings. I think that MoogleEmpMoog makes an excellent point that there is a problem with being a party to deceiving Spud.

I think that the others might understand your concern, or at least respect your decision. It might be easier to find another group -- and work with Spud on the meantime. Not all of my friends are part of all aspects of my life, but I believe that respect is one of the most important ingredients in maintaining a friendship.

 

[Exquisite Dead Guy]

I look at it this way: If you go to the game you may loose Spud as a friend. If you nicely bow out of the game you'll probably remain friends with everyone.

When it comes right down to it real life takes precidence on this one. Friends are more important.

That said, I hope you all can work something out so that everyone can play.

 

[reveal]

You've gotten really good advice above so I won't repeat it. But I do have one question: What kind of jerky "friends" are these? They are supposed to be Spuds friend yet don't have the balls enough to say "We like you but don't like your playing style so you can't come to the table?"

Sounds to me like they're jerks, not friends. Tell these guys no and then tell Spud what they did. Heck, show him the e-mail. He deserves to know that his "friends" are trying to sneak around behind his back.

 

[scourger]

It doesn't sound as if the Guys are being very good friends to Spud. So, he can hang out and do all the other stuf but not game with them? He'll probably blow his stack when he finds out--and he will--I know I would. You don't want to be a party to that, either.

I had a similar situation beginning two years ago. We had a game group and an old gaming friend moved back to town. He was a really good friend of mine to boot. He was included weekly, so I moved my DMing to weekends to accomodate him (and because some of the players didn't appreciate soem fo the games I ran and showed it by not attending). Our group had troubles, so we made a new agreement about the way we would game. During that time, it was decided not to add him. The excuse was that it was just too big a group to add anyone, but I think he knew he was being excluded. The real kicker was that another mutual friend excluded him. I expected 2 other guys to do it, but not the mutual friend. Anyway, my solution was to continue DMing on weekends to include my friend and to continue to play weekly with the others. I had it great! My friend wanted me to quit in protest, but I thought that was unreasonable. It also didn't serve my interest in gaming. The irony was that he moved away about 6 months later. The problem 2 players quit shortly thereafter. So, time presented a solution. I made the best that I could out of a bad situation. I still game with a few of those guys and look forward to another old gaming buddy's move back to the area soon (hopefully without these issues).

Time always presents a solution. Time will present a solution for you, too.

 

[Psychotic Jim]

Just a few questions: How close are you to the Guys? In relation to Spud?

Why do they feel the need to not tell Spud?

What have you all done to communicate with Spud and deal with his gaming behaviors?

All I can say is that on one hand, you sound like you really want to play in this game, but on the other hand Spud sounds like one of your greatest friends. What would happen if Spud found out about this? If you had told him or not told him? What would happen if the Guys found out you told them? How would Spud react if you played in the game without him? How would the Guys react if you politely declined the game or asked more about Spud?

 

[Thotas]

You should stay out of the whole situation, game included, sadly enough. I would advise not saying anything to Spud; it would probably damage his relationship with the Guys, and that would backlash to you. Only problem I see still existing -- he'll find out that they're playing eventually. If he finds out that you knew and didn't tell him, he might be unhappy about that. Hopefully, explaining that you declined because of personal loyalty but didn't fee it was your place to go further than that will make sense to him if that happens.

 

[Endur]

My thoughts.

First, its one thing to not invite someone. Its something else to "disinvite someone." If the group just forgot about Spud, its not a big deal. Deliberately omitting him is going to cause hurt feelings. This was a really bad plan.

Second, keeping the omission secret is impossible-- no such things as secrets, especially if a large group is involved and if they have other activities (football, world of warcraft, etc.). Whoever dreamed up the idea they could keep it secret is clueless or naive.

Third, a certain amount of personality conflicts are inevitable. If its not Spud, it would be someone else.

What would I do? Tell the group sure, I want to play. Also, I'd ask the group for another vote on Spud. Tell them you think its stupid to exclude Spud and you think the group should invite him to play. If they have issues with his behavior, they should just go ahead and tell him what their issues are.

One comment: When you tell Spud about the group's issues, this could cause a blow-up and end friendships. Something to consider. Probably why the group doesn't want to tell him, just wants to avoid him.

 

[orchid blossom]

Something else I would do... Talk to "the Guys," and explain that while you want to play, you still hang out with Spud. Because you'd be so excited to be gaming again, and in just general conversation, it's likely you'll eventually slip up and mention something even if you were comfortable with keeping the secret. Also point out it's likely one of them will slip when playing poker or football with Spud.

Like others have said, no matter how much you intend to not tell him, he will find out. And it sounds like you're not comfortable with that anyway. Not telling him now just puts off the inevitable. It's better to be upfront now than found out later.

 

[Zenodotus of Ephesus]

All those here who believe that Spud is going to find out about the secret game sooner or later anyway please raise your hand...

I think it is unanimous.

 

[pogre]

You need to decline the invitation.

If Spud finds out in the near future you will just tell him the truth - you did not play because he was not invited.

If you want to game with the Guys:
Start a competing gaming group. Be honest with Spud and tell him that although you really like him, you don't want to roleplay with him. Have the courage your friends are lacking. When your new group forms invite the guys and tell them Spud will not be invited into the group and that you have told Spud politely as much. They will join your group and be relieved to be rid of this gaming "secrecy." You have to be the man here, because you want to play and the Guys are being weasels.

I had to tell a good friend I just could not roleplay with him anymore because he kept blowing campaigns up. He wasn't super happy about it, but we're still close friends today.