Primate Behaviour Advice

[fusangite]

Last week, a player stormed out of our gaming group implying that he was quitting because he didn't like the treasure division principles the party had agreed upon. We were all pretty glad to see him go by the end; some of us had found him annoying from the outset but others had only gradually come to find his personality grating.

Still we were all surprised by how he conducted himself last session; we had all taken him to merely be a socially inept and nervous individual but it turned out that under that geeky exterior, he was also a complete jerk.

But I'm concerned: I fear that he is so socially insensitive that he has no sense of how far over the line he went insulting the GM and others and that he may, after a week of cooling off, come back.

None of us enjoys confrontation and so flat-out asking him not to come back is something we're all trying to avoid. Any suggestions on how we can reduce the probability of him returning?

 

[shilsen]

I seriously suggest the honest and direct route myself, since I find that saves a lot of trouble for all parties in the long run.

If that's still not something you feel up to, then give him a call or send him an email saying that you're sorry that it came down to him feeling upset enough to walk out of a session, but it's obvious that his gaming preferences do not agree with the rest of the group's, and that you and the rest of the group in total agreement with him that he should drop out, since that would be better for all concerned. Wish him best of luck finding groups that better suit his needs. That may be straight enough without you having to say "No place for you at the table any more."

 

[Umbran]

None of us enjoys confrontation and so flat-out asking him not to come back is something we're all trying to avoid. Any suggestions on how we can reduce the probability of him returning?

Whether you enjoy it or not, dealing with a problem directly has the greatest chance of success and least chance of lingering issues. If you avoid now, you are likely to simply put off the inevitable.

The Golden Rule applies - if a bunch of people decided they didn't want you around, would you want them to play games trying to avoid you? Probably not. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to someone else.

That being said, you might choose to move the time of your next game. Then, at your normal meeting time and place, have the GM present. If the player shows up, the GM should speak to him about how you guys aren't gaming that night, but that due to his behavior, the player is no longer welcome at the table.

 

[FCWesel]

Direct is really the *only* way, even if it is done by E-Mail or Phone and not in person. Hopefully he will agree to move on and do so quietly and without incident.

However, if he asks for another chance...what then? Make sure you guy are united in this, if one person breaks down...then you might get a mess on your hands. Also, the GM should be the face of this event in that it is his game. (I am the GM of my group, so I say this as a fellow GM.)

Also, make sure everyone's got anything back that they might have boprrowed to him and that anything you all might have of his gets back to him, safe and sound. Thats just curteous.

Good luck!

 

[fusangite]

The Golden Rule applies - if a bunch of people decided they didn't want you around, would you want them to play games trying to avoid you? Probably not. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to someone else.

As Teflon Billy can attest, I, like many geeks, am, fairly accurately represented in the Charlie Kaufman character in Adaptation. So, I still manage to offend and annoy people despite feeling an omnipresent sense of social disapproval.

Many people who are geeks are people who are fully conscious of their social ineptitude and, despite their desire to be more socially successful, are ineffective, for one reason or another, at altering their behaviour.

My guess is that this fellow probably fears that nobody wants to spend time with him. Many of his annoying social mannerisms (inappropriate sustained laughter, interrupting) are most often employed to cut off conversation when he feels that further discussion would only make him look or feel worse.

So, no -- that's part of my problem. I have no sense that this guy wants yet another group of people to confirm his fears about himself. In fact, I get the sense that he is constantly on guard against people telling him things he does not want to hear.

I appreciate the unanimity of the advice I'm receiving and may take it for other reasons. But my feeling is that the gaming geek community, like the B&D and S&M communities, is far enough away from the social mainstream that the Golden Rule may not be a good principle for social interaction.

 

[Umbran]

So, no -- that's part of my problem. I have no sense that this guy wants yet another group of people to confirm his fears about himself. In fact, I get the sense that he is constantly on guard against people telling him things he does not want to hear.

Right. If he doesn't want to hear it, do you think he's going to listen if it is only implied by your actions, instead of clearly stated? If he has the option to choose to not get the message, he probably will. Which means he's eventually going to show up anyway, forcing the confrontation.

Only now, on top of telling him that you don't want him there, you have to deal with the fact that you've been yanking his chain, to his face. If you don't like confrontation, don't put yourself in a position where the end-confrontation is probably worse.

But my feeling is that the gaming geek community, like the B&D and S&M communities, is far enough away from the social mainstream that the Golden Rule may not be a good principle for social interaction.

That's a dodge - those communities use the Golden Rule, too. They just realize that in certain very specific and limited circumstances it means something other than what the guy on the street might think.

And this isn't a similar specific and limited circumstances. This is a guy who may think he's welcome. You want to tell me that leading him on via lies of omission are actually going to make him feel better in the long run?

 

[Krieg]

Bah ignore all this "good" advice is for suckers....you need to just sleep with his girlfriend. That will do the trick just fine.

Disclaimer:
The opinion expressed above does not necessarily represent a rational course of action.

 

[fusangite]

Disclaimer:
The opinion expressed above does not necessarily represent a rational course of action.

Thanks Krieg. I think I've just found my new sig file!

 

[Krieg]

Always glad to be of service.

 

[FCWesel]

Umran is right again on both the chain yanking and the dodging. He'll listen or he won't. But if the matter is pushed, at least you will have been upfront and honest instead of chain-yankin'.

Don't play games with someone you don't want to play games with.