Quandary (of Doom!)

[lonesoldier]

Well, a few weeks ago my group ejected one of our players because he was being an . No other word for it, he harassed other players, in and out of game and attempted to control their actions. I was DM at this time and a majority vote carried his ejection through. (5 to eject, 1 undecided, 1 no).

This would not be a bad thing, but the ejected player was/is my best friend...

Now, he acted like an idiot, a total jerk and realize that him being removed is making our game better, but I cannot but feel I betrayed my friend. (I was the undecided vote)

What should I do?

 

[Chimera]

Lose the guilt.

Seriously.

"I'm sorry, but the group voted you out. There's nothing I can do about it." is a valid and reasonable response. If you are a true friend, you can discuss WHY it happened without rancor or recriminations. Be honest about how people felt about his actions. Make no promises to help get him back in the group.

Yes, he's your friend. But you can't rescue him, you can't undo what he has done, you can't take it upon yourself to force the other players to accept his return.

 

[Delemental]

It sounds as though you made the best decision you could in the situation. As you said, it was 5 to 1 against without your vote, so even if you'd voted no the result would be the same.

How did your friend take the news? Does he acknowledge his problematic behaviors? Was he aware of what he was doing at the time?

As Chimera says, if he's really a friend then he should be able to handle being told by you that he was kicked out for being a controlling a**. And I agree, don't try to convince the group to let him back in. Because even if you succeed, if he does the same thing he's going to get kicked out again, and then you look like a jerk for inflicting him on the group again.

Not all people were meant to game together, regardless of their relationship away from the table.

 

[IamTheTest]

I feel your pain. I think that you know what you should do though. My advice is to do what the previous posters have advised to do. Good Luck.

 

[D-rock]

Well if you want the sort of gutless way out you could blame it all on the other players and tell him your hands were tied and there was nothing you could do. Or, you could be honest and confront him with how his behavior was affecting the game.

 

[lonesoldier]

Thanks guys,

I'll talk to him about it.

 

[fusangite]

It's a shame you're in this position. I was in a campaign once where the player who had essentially rescued the game from oblivion by recruiting a bunch of new players, of whom I was one, went so off the rails that we had to vote to throw her out. Talk about guilt!

When she eventually regained her sanity a year or so later, she came to understand that she had basically left us no choice. Let's hope things work out similarly for your friend.c

The one thing I will say is this: don't mention you abstained. Tell him it was a unanimous decision. If you don't stand behind your players' decision here, your friend may not "get" why he's been thrown out and will see you as a spineless traitor rather than as a someone letting him know he has acted inappropriately.

 

[twofalls]

The one thing I will say is this: don't mention you abstained. Tell him it was a unanimous decision. If you don't stand behind your players' decision here, your friend may not "get" why he's been thrown out and will see you as a spineless traitor rather than as a someone letting him know he has acted inappropriately.

Eh, I'm sorry but I can't agree with you on this one. If you tell your best friend that you agreed with the group that his/her behavior was wrong but chose to abstain out of loyalty to your friendship, I seriously doubt that would be viewed as spinelss. In addition, I feel honesty is always your best policy. Spineless (IMHO) would be not telling the truth of the situation.

 

[I'm A Banana]

There's a Geek Social Fallacy that allows guys like that to remain at the table...

Look, there's nothing wrong with saying "Dude, you just don't mesh with the group. Sorry. Maybe if you find another group, you can count me (and the "no" guy) in as players, but I can't help you."

If he wants to know why, say "My players like to control their own actions, and you were kind of dictating what they were doing, for instance (example). That rubbed 'em the wrong way, and after the game there was a vote, and you aren't invited back."

And if he wants another chance, say "I'll bring it up to the group," and do it. If no, no. If yes, yes. Be straight and honest, but you probably shouldn't call him an "" to his face.

 

[DarrenGMiller]

I know what's done can't be undone, but there should have been some serious conversation with this player before it got to this point. I have been there and done this, both the right way and the wrong way. Maybe you and some of hte others did speak openly to him and it didn't improve. In that case, you have done the right thing.

I think it is a bit skewed that everyone says, "If he is really your friend, he will understand." I heard that a lot too. It is just not true. He has issues bad enough to make the lives of 4-6 other people miserable, what makes everyone think he will be gracious about being kicked out when he is not rational about the consequences of his actions prior to that point. The understanding only comes with time. In my experience, the ousted player feels like, "I was discarded not just by my group, but by my FRIENDS."

In some ways, it is easier if they are not a friend. A friend who doesn't see his actions as detrimental to the group will take time to realize that you guys were right. Wait patiently for that time and keep the friendship.

DM