<Rant> Where has courtesy gone?

[MaxKaladin]

I think urbanization has a lot to do with it.

When you live in a rural area, chances are you know the people you bump into and you're going to see them again. When you live in a city, you generally don't know any of the people around you and will probably not ever see them again. I think that has a lot to do with it. I think people are just more polite to people they know and see every day than strangers.

If you're a rude and obnoxious kid in a small town, chances are that's going to get back to your parents and you'll get an "attitude adjustment" of whatever kind your family prefers to use. In a city, chances are nobody knows who you are or who your parents are and you can be rude and obnoxious with relative impunity. It's sorta like trolls and flamers on the internet, they know nobody knows who they are or where to find them so they feel free to be as horrible as possible. Freedom from consequences and all that.

 

[Darth K'Trava]

you'd better open that door for me...i'm not too old to whoop your ....

::slams the door in diaglo's face::

where's my cane?

::runs away with diaglo's cane::





Actually, I'm alot more considerate than that... I try to look out for, mostly, my friends... I had to help one get back onto his internet account. And he was grateful beyond words. He said that he couldn't thank me enough. That's what friends are for! And the fact that we were trying to get him to move here in a spare room (if Mom had been willing to move some of her books outta there...) to get him away from his stressful family.

 

[barsoomcore]

My communications skills have certainly suffered.

What?

There have been rude humans since we dropped out of the trees, if not before.

Somebody drops you out of tree, see how polite YOU are.

Note how when somebody says, "Why is everyone else so rude," everyone else immediately says, "Yeah, why is that?" I guess we're all on the side of Good, over here.

 

[Simplicity]

<Rant>
Sense I was in my teens I have noticed the decline in thank yous, apologizes, excuse me, bless yous, pleases, and such. Why has rudeness become so dominate?

Eric Noah is right. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing. People tend to view their childhoods and hence the time before then with rose-colored glasses.

At the soda machine in Taco Smell the other day- a young man ahead of me fills his soda. He stands his position at the machine after his cup is full, grabs a lid two feet away (there is a counter in front of the lids), places it on top of his soda- “excuse me,” I gesture to the machine with my empty cup, as he looks at me. It’s a glare I receive and a “you can wait,” type comment with an unkind curse in the comment. He takes a straw, preps it and places it in his soda then turns to look at me.

Actually, in this situation, I believe that *you* were being the rude one. Saying "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" doesn't make you polite. Patiently waiting for the young man to finish putting the straw in his cup is the polite thing to do, not saying "excuse me" and trying to get past him. His response to your "excuse me" was him teaching you manners. Your response to his glare was you teaching him manners.
This response to your thread is me teaching you manners.

You, him, and I are all a bunch of jerks.

Another thing is more personal in nature- why is it that I feel that I am being perceived in a negative fashion? My intent is one manner and perceived in the opposite. Are my courtesies perceived in a negative fashion? Are my thank yous taken as condescending? My apologizes seen as half assed? The word, please, when it leaves my lips do people take it in an unkind fashion? Is that why I feel so many people are becoming rude and uncaring? Is it that they perceive me as being rude and uncaring so they return the favor?

Excuse me while I progress into full-blown jerkhood:

Perhaps because you seem to be missing the point of politeness.
Polite words like "please", "thank you", and "excuse me" and appelations
like "sir" or "ma'am" are meant to show respect to others. From your
post, it seems to me that you don't feel any such respect for those you
say these words to. In that case, the words start to sound very hollow.

Corporate culture has gone a long way to burying a lot of these words.
Ever hear someone sincerely say, "Thank you for shopping at ...." It's
kind of off-putting when you actually do. Telemarketers love to call you
"sir" or "ma'am". "Excuse me" can be a very polite way of saying
"Get the hell out of my way" or "Give me what I want". "Sir" and "ma'am"
are very nearly insults for the same reason.

My guess is that people are rude to you because you either are insincere about
this politeness or you are just coming off that way. If it's the later, I would recommend
being more conversational, so it doesn't sound as forced. "Mind if I...?" is good.
"Thanks" is good. "Go f- yourself" is optional.

 

[Ranger REG]

you'd better open that door for me...i'm not too old to whoop your ....

where's my cane?

Sorry, old man, but when it comes to you, I leave my courtesy and etiquette outside.

 

[Ranger REG]

But we all know you liked it.

Actually, I don't.

 

[nothing to see here]

I've occasionally wondered if the prevalence of online forums of communication hasn't heightened rudeness amongst people at large.

It isn't the only source of the problem, but it is part of the problem.

Thanks to new communications personal efficacy is at an all time high (what I call hyper-empowerment). At the same time...by lowering accesiblity barriers people's deference to traditional institutions and authority (and, as a consequence, each other) is at an all time low. Finally in online communications you learn to be divorced from the consequences of what you do...so accountability culture declines.

that's my take anyway...remember...when it comes to how easy it is to 'say' something rude... interpersonal < letters < telephone < e-mail < message boards

 

[Einan]

I live in Utah, and common courtesy seems to still exist here. Between work and school, I see a lot of people open doors for each other, smile and say "hello" even to strangers, use Please and Thank You in conversation, etc.

Utah is a bit odd in that way. I was in Salt Lake City a few years back and it was so clean I kept watching for cameras. I guess the Mormons have the whole place locked down pretty tight.

 

[Einan]

About 2 weeks ago, I got home from work and decided to get some exercise by walking the couple of miles or so to the gas station to fill a gas can for my lawnmower. I fully expected a kind stranger (or more than one) to stop and ask me, a woman walking alone with a gas can, whether I needed a ride. Did anyone stop? Not one person in 45 minutes of walking. And this is Iowa - I thought someone would stop. I was disillusioned .

That was you?!? I didn't stop becuase you weren't the proper size to fit the pit I've been constructing in my basement...

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

 

[kyloss]

I think urbanization has a lot to do with it.

When you live in a rural area, chances are you know the people you bump into and you're going to see them again. When you live in a city, you generally don't know any of the people around you and will probably not ever see them again. I think that has a lot to do with it. I think people are just more polite to people they know and see every day than strangers.

If you're a rude and obnoxious kid in a small town, chances are that's going to get back to your parents and you'll get an "attitude adjustment" of whatever kind your family prefers to use. In a city, chances are nobody knows who you are or who your parents are and you can be rude and obnoxious with relative impunity. It's sorta like trolls and flamers on the internet, they know nobody knows who they are or where to find them so they feel free to be as horrible as possible. Freedom from consequences and all that.

I've seen some studies relating to this even some done on monkeys in I believe a japanese park, they normaly live in troupes of 20-30 somitimes up to 100 but in the park their are thousands of them due to the abundance of food, and just because they cant process all of those relationships they change their behavior focus on looking down, not making eye contact and limit their relation ships to much smaller groups-15-30 in size very much like people.