So my fiance left me what do I now?

[Desdichado]

I know it probably says something about me that I'm asking a D&D forum this but I trust you guys and you probably have more life experience then 21 year me does. So what do I do? I honestly thought we'd get married and now she's gone. The worst part she still wants to be friends.

There's no easy way to get over a major relationship failure. That said, the end goal here is to move on, and there's no really good reason for delaying that objective. Mourn if you must, but don't do it too long. Get out there and start dating again as quickly as you can.

I don't think there's any advantage to trying to remain friends, and potentially a lot of disadvantages. I don't know much about your situation, and nothing about you and her, but I'd guess that almost every time someone says that when they break up with someone, it's because they want to assuage their own guilt for their role in breaking up. I'd say, "Sorry, honey, but the relationship I wanted to have with you is the one you're rejecting. There's no room for some other relationship. How about if you're breaking up with me, then break up already and move on? That's what I intend to do, and trying to build a friendship out of the ashes of the relationship that we tried to have is only going to make that all the more difficult."

I mean, presumably you don't hate her for what she did, and you can tell her that (if it's true) but I've never really heard of a failed romance leading to a great friendship. I'm sure that it happens from time to time, but mostly it's just a fruitless and ultimately probably damaging exercise. I wouldn't bother with it.

 

[Merkuri]

I think the "we can still be friends" comment usually means something more along the lines of, "please don't hate me".

I've been on the other side of this in the past. In college I had a relationship where we kept trying to change each other and I was finally fed up with him wanting me to be someone I was not. I liked being in a relationship, but I realized that I didn't like being in this relationship. I did not think he was a bad guy, but he just wasn't for me.

I tried the "let's just be friends" thing because I didn't want this to be a hostile breakup, but the first time we hung out as "friends" after the breakup he tried to re-initiate the relationship and I realized it just wasn't going to work. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world, but I decided he just didn't get that it was over and had to break it off again in an even colder fasion. I hated myself for doing it, but thought of it like ripping off a band-aid, and I think it was better for both of us in the long run, though it hurt like hell at the time.

Breaking up hurts, often for both people. I'm sure there's someone out there who's much better suited for you. You need someobdy who needs you back.

You may think she's a bitch for breaking up with you after you were engaged, but think of it this way: at least it didn't happen after you were already married. I would much rather have a breakup during the engagement than after (or *gasp* during) a wedding.

Not saying you need to start looking again immediately (it's probably best for you to try to put this relationship behind you first) but when you do start looking I recommend OK Cupid. I met my fiance there. We've been dating for over five years and will be married in May.

 

[Mistwell]

In my experience, it's fine to be friends with the person, but only after you are done grieving for the loss of the relationship. So I would tell her you need a year or so away from her before you can be friends with her again (if you want to be friends at all at that point). Hopefully, she will understand. But, if she doesn't, well, it's still something you should do.

Aside from that, you should try to be around friends right now other than her.

 

[Wik]

I've actually been here awhile. My old username was Warlord but I lost the password and e-mail address for that account. Any idea where to find this support you mentioned?

Fair enough. And you'll have to excuse me for my earlier post, but to be honest, I hope this message board isn't your only source of communication. Because it lacks some of the necessary portions of grief.

To put it another way, my long-time girlfriend (and common law wife, really) ditched out on me last year because she was attracted to someone else. Wound up dating that someone else less than two months after dropping me, too. And yeah, it hurt. Quite a bit. Luckily, I had friends that came in to keep my mind busy - I went to a lot of pubs, had a lot of people come over to watch the hockey game, and so on. Went on a bunch of dates probably way too early to keep myself distracted, even wound up in a relationship that was doomed to fail (luckily, I got to keep the lady as a friend afterwards, which is awesome).

The point of it all is, there's no magic answer. It's gonna suck, you're going to have bad dreams about all of this, but you'll come out on the other end eventually. Don't embark on any life-changing quests for the next little while, and if you do wind up dating somebody else, realize it's probably just a "rebound" thing that's doomed to fail from the start. As for the "Friends" bit, in my personal experience, it doesn't work. At least, it didn't for me, and rarely has - when a long-term relationship falls apart, the "friends" angle is really just a "I'm confused about everything" sort of deal.

Anyways. My two cents.

 

[LightPhoenix]

I'm not sure how long the two of you were together, but the key is to keep yourself busy. That doesn't mean not to think about it; it will obviously be on your mind. However, dwelling on it every minute of every day won't get you anywhere.

One thing that is going to unexpectedly suck is the relationships with any sort of mutual friends the two of you have will change. They're going to naturally gravitate to one or the other of you. Try not to put them in the middle of things. You'll be tempted to, and you may do it inadvertently anyway. You definitely won't win any points with them by doing so.

Finally, there's no such thing as "just friends." Certainly not with the amount of emotional investment in the relationship. "Just friends" only works when neither side was really invested in the relationship at all, and I think it's obviously not the case here. At some point in time you may be able to be civil, or even friendly, to each other. That won't come for a long time though; it may not ever happen.

Do yourself a favor and make a clean break of things. It hurts a little more at the start, but it helps a lot more down the road.

 

[jaerdaph]

I'm really sorry to hear that, man. I know it's a bit cliche, but emotional wounds like this really do heal with time. I know (from experience) that's hard to believe right now when you're in it, but trust me it will hurt less and less each day.

There's a lot of good advice here already - hang with other friends, stay busy etc. Some more advice - stay away from her for awhile. If she's made up her mind that the relationship is over, don't keep trying to change things or keep calling her, or ask her for reasons. You might not ever get an answer, or like the one you get. It's better to just move on. Maybe someday you can be friends, but not now.

You're still young, and there's plenty more fish in the sea. You will meet the person that is right for you some day.

Good luck and hang in there. It will get better.

 

[Sid Vicious]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Funny thing is when I made the clean break and told her I couldn't talk to her or be around here for the foreseeable future she told me I love you and hope to see you again someday. WTF does that even mean? Anywho I'm getting ready to head off to Japan for a month for school so maybe I can lose myself in that.

 

[Umbran]

Funny thing is when I made the clean break and told her I couldn't talk to her or be around here for the foreseeable future she told me I love you and hope to see you again someday. WTF does that even mean?

Well, it may mean that the word "love" means a lot of different thing. You love your parents, and your siblings, and your best friends and your wife - but they aren't all the same feeling.

It is entirely possible to care deeply for and about someone, but not want to be married to them.

Anywho I'm getting ready to head off to Japan for a month for school so maybe I can lose myself in that.

That is apt to be quite absorbing. Heck, if you don't get lost in that, what is the point of going? So, really, get lost!

 

[Janx]

umbran seems to have hit all the touchy feely points. He's right.

Now for the tactical side. Put the emotions aside (which now might not be the right time) and look at the situation tactically.

The "Let's Be Friends" statement could mean a lot of things. In general, it is best to interpret it as let's not see each other or seek each other out, but if you see each other, you'll be cordial.

It could also mean she wants to keep her hooks in you, blocking you from moving on. If you follow the interpretation above, it will help prevent that. If you keep seeing her, talking to her, inviting contact, you're enabling a negative usage of Let's Be Friends.

Next, an ex, is an ex for a reason. Yes, it is true that some couples break up, and then re-unite, stronger than ever. But those are the exception. Generally, couples break up because there are problems between the 2 parties. If something hasn't dramatically changed, the problem won't go away the second time around.

Generally there's 2 vectors for a relationship ending. One is that there is something seriously wrong with one party (sociopath, abusive, etc). Or that there is a number of compatibility and communication issues between both parties, wherein both are at fault for the failure of the relationship.

You don't have to solve the former type. If she's crazy or evil, it ain't you, and just put a lot of distance between you and her. If it's you, well, you might need some serious help, and if you're that broken, you shouldn't be in a relationship. If she was cheating, you don't want her. A cheating type generally tends to cheat when they're not happy where they're at. If they cheated WITH you, then they are likely to cheat ON you. Stay away from that kind of people.

The latter type is solveable. Don't solve it for her. Solve it for yourself. Think of each thing you had "wrong" with her, and answer the question of "for my part, I could have done XYZ better". For normal people, when there's problems, while one person MAY have started it, both could have acted better.

It's common in a relationship, for one side to want to change the other. That's nonsense of course, you can't change people. At best, people can change themselves, and it can be hard to do. It'd be great to find somebody who loves you for being you. I recommend trying to be the best version of you that you can be. Be healthier, politer, cleaner and any more positive "er" words you can be. It'll have to do.

Additionally, look at your life. Is it balanced? Are you stable. You're young, just starting out. Hopefully in school. If having a food, work, shelter is uncertain, you ain't ready for a relationship. If you have no time in your life for your girl, because you're always working or playing a game, you have an imbalance, and you won't be able to maintain a relationship. Sure, the high maintenance girls want all your time, but even the "normal" girls need regular attention doing normal and special things (special does not have to mean Grandma sensitive activities).

You also want to seek out a girl who is also stable and balanced. If you ride in as a white knight to save her, that relationship only works while she needs a white knight. Once she's stable, the dynamic changes and it can go kaput.

Ultimately, both sides gotta be in a state of fecal coagulation. Otherwise, it's just a mess.

 

[CleverNickName]

I'm following this thread very closely, because over the Valentine's Day weekend my wife and I decided to separate after 8 years of marriage. You might say that Sid and I are in the same boat here.

I think the "we can still be friends" comment usually means something more along the lines of, "please don't hate me".

Absolutely. I think that my wife and I started saying this to each other for this exact reason. It sucks that we haven't been able to find out how to be happy together, but neither one of us wants to be blamed for that.

The point of it all is, there's no magic answer. It's gonna suck, you're going to have bad dreams about all of this, but you'll come out on the other end eventually.

I wish someone would have tipped me off about the "bad dreams" thing...it totally caught me off guard. On the nights that I actually manage to fall asleep, I am plagued with nightmares. Nothing horrible, just reliving the same old arguments and counseling sessions over and over again.

Finally, there's no such thing as "just friends." Certainly not with the amount of emotional investment in the relationship. "Just friends" only works when neither side was really invested in the relationship at all, and I think it's obviously not the case here. At some point in time you may be able to be civil, or even friendly, to each other. That won't come for a long time though; it may not ever happen.

My therapist advised me to stop calling it "just friends," because that's just not true. There's no way that we can be "just" friends anymore. It gives everyone (ourselves included) the wrong impression of how we are feeling and where we are heading.

That doesn't have to be a bad thing, I'm told. Right now, I have lots of questions going through my mind, and this is an excellent opprotunity to redefine things in a way that helps make sense of them. Instead of saying "we are just friends," I say "we used to be close." It totally changed the way I look at things.

Funny thing is when I made the clean break and told her I couldn't talk to her or be around here for the foreseeable future she told me I love you and hope to see you again someday. WTF does that even mean?

It most likely means that she is hurting too, and is trying hard to make sense of it just like you are. She might be feeling guilty about the whole deal, and wants you to do or say something to absolve her of some of that guilt. She needs you to feel better, so that she can feel better.

If you haven't done so already, you should talk to a professional about this stuff. Your friends are very important in this process, but they are biased. A counselor can listen to the situation as a neutral party, and see things that your friends and family might not be able to see.

Your school probably has a grief counselor or therapist on staff that can meet with you once or twice over the month. Or you could ask your doctor to refer you to a licensed therapist. Try to get at least one session in before you leave for Japan; it will do wonders for your state of mind.

Best wishes, mate.