You obviously have no idea how bad I am at painting
I don't believe you!
The ability to paint is not something you're born with. It's just a skill you learn. And compared to most things, it's extremely easy! I used to think that I couldn't paint, but I was wrong. If I can do it, you probably can too.
A few easy steps:
1. Wash your mini in warm, slightly soapy water. Dry it and let it sit overnight.
2. Spraypaint your mini with a good indoor/outdoor brand (I use Krylon, but I don't know what they have in Denmark). The color should be as flat as possible (like "ultraflat black") and should either be black (if the mini is largely going to be painted as metallic, or is meant to look "realistic") or white (if you want non-metallic colors to stand out and be noticed). Let it dry thoroughly (overnight, or a few hours anyway). If you spraypainted the mini white, take some regular flat black paint (see note to 3, below) and paint any metallic areas black.
3. Paint each area the basic color it is supposed to be. Start with the "inner areas" first and work outward (like skin first, then clothes/armor, then outgarments and gear such as cloaks and weapons). Let dry thoroughly. You may need multiple coats. Don't glob the paint on... spread small amounts of paint evenly on the areas.
Note to 3: Use decent paints! "Testors" ain't gonna cut it. Use Vallejo or Citadel.
4. Take a brush that you don't mind destroying and get ready to "drybrush". Don't put water on this brush. Pick a non-metallic area of the mini to drybrush. This is going to bring out the details of the area. First, mix the color for this area with white. You can pick the ratio... 2:1 color:white works fine. Stir it together. Now dip your dry brush lightly into the paint. Now, brush most of that paint off onto a napkin. When there is so little left that you can barely see it, brush back and forth over the selected area. The lighter color will get onto the raised areas and bring out the details. Repeat this process on the various non-metallic areas. If you want to do this treatment with metallic areas, just buy a lighter shade of the metal color and drybrush that on (example: drybrushing Citadel Mithril over Citadel Chainmail).
Alternate Technique to 4: If you want a metallic area to look grungy, don't paint the base color over the black. Instead, drybrush the main color straight onto the black. This is perfect for armor like chain where you want to show off its depth.
5. Make sure you have painted all the details you want to. You can also paint the base a ground color and then glue rocks, grass, etc. to it. Most hobby stores will have fake grass ("static grass" and "flock" are two types) and pre-mixed gravel in various colors. You don't need superglue for this, just plain white glue that dries clear.
6. When your mini looks the way YOU want it to look (you're painting for yourself), you can spray coat it with something like Testors Dull Cote (or you can use a different finish if you want a different effect) to protect it from finger oils, etc.
Voila. You now have a mini that looks 100 times better than anything WOTC makes. These are just basic instructions and you can improve your technique as time goes on, if you care to do so.