THE BIG "D"---i never thought it would be me:(
- Thread starter spidertrag
- Start date
BSF
Explorer
It does sound like a setup. Even to the point of arranging for a long weekend so it is harder for you to find a lawyer. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife already has one.
Get a lawyer, make sure you keep your character solid. Push for counseling/reconciliation. Make her decline it so you can show you pushed for maintaining a solid family. Then you push for custody. I wouldn't suggest looking for pet scorpions anytime soon. But you need a lawyer. A lawyer will guide you down a solid path. Just be sure you outline exactly what you desire up front and prioritize which pieces are most important.
On the emotional side, this is not the end of the world. I am sure it is a painful process, but you can get through it. You can find better happiness in your life and that will become clear the longer you are seperated.
Get a lawyer, make sure you keep your character solid. Push for counseling/reconciliation. Make her decline it so you can show you pushed for maintaining a solid family. Then you push for custody. I wouldn't suggest looking for pet scorpions anytime soon. But you need a lawyer. A lawyer will guide you down a solid path. Just be sure you outline exactly what you desire up front and prioritize which pieces are most important.
On the emotional side, this is not the end of the world. I am sure it is a painful process, but you can get through it. You can find better happiness in your life and that will become clear the longer you are seperated.
First off, I've been there.
I've heard some very good, and very BAD advice in this thread. Here are my suggestions.
- If you have suggested therapy, and she has rejected the idea, she's done. Don't whine or beg, don't try to win her back, don't try and do anything and everything to make her happy. In the end, you'll be the one who hurts.
- Get a lawyer ASAP. Keeping in mind the only ones who win when people fight are the lawyers, and they will happily gobble up any and all available money. BUT, you need to be protected. I have seen to many friends get screwed by agreeing to a child payment or alimony figure, without knowing what the state regulations are. In today's day and age, there is a court regulated, income dependent, child support payment charts. Find out what you will have to pay. You will probably have to pay alimony because she hasn't been working outside the home. The courts will not leave you destitute.
- If you are considering going for full custody with primary care and control, I wish you the best of luck. My experiences are that unless your ex is a drug addicted crack whore, with a violent criminal past, you don't stand a chance. The court will probably say that the child is better suited with the mother, as she has been the one at home with her, while you were out supporting the family. Not fair I know, but whoever said life was fair? A better agreement may be dual custody, with iron clad visitations. This means that you have a say in all matters (albeit a small one) regarding your child. Be sure to add a time AND date for all scheduled visits. Trust me, it wiill help you in the end.
- Get your finance in order quickly, and find somewhere to live. The anger you feel towards your ex will grow quickly and you don't want your child to listen to arguing.
- Don't give your ex reasons to make your life miserable. My dad calls it "kill her with kindness". Be nice, pleasant, accomidating within reason. But keep your distance, and do whats best for your child. Trust me, being nice to someone you hate (and eventually you probably will hate her) is hard, but in the end, she won't be able to sling mud in court if you are always nice.
-Lastly, although I could probably go on and on, quit with the "I'll die alone" stuff. This is simply "poor me" syndrome. I understand it, and it's natural, but the faster you get over it, the better you will be. My starter wife was brutal, and i never thought I would get over her. But my second and best wife is amazing, and I don't know how I lived without her previously.
The hardest part for me was living without my daughter on a daily basis. It sucked, and it still does. Make sure you cherish every minute with her, and you'll get through it. I have.
Good luck.
I've heard some very good, and very BAD advice in this thread. Here are my suggestions.
- If you have suggested therapy, and she has rejected the idea, she's done. Don't whine or beg, don't try to win her back, don't try and do anything and everything to make her happy. In the end, you'll be the one who hurts.
- Get a lawyer ASAP. Keeping in mind the only ones who win when people fight are the lawyers, and they will happily gobble up any and all available money. BUT, you need to be protected. I have seen to many friends get screwed by agreeing to a child payment or alimony figure, without knowing what the state regulations are. In today's day and age, there is a court regulated, income dependent, child support payment charts. Find out what you will have to pay. You will probably have to pay alimony because she hasn't been working outside the home. The courts will not leave you destitute.
- If you are considering going for full custody with primary care and control, I wish you the best of luck. My experiences are that unless your ex is a drug addicted crack whore, with a violent criminal past, you don't stand a chance. The court will probably say that the child is better suited with the mother, as she has been the one at home with her, while you were out supporting the family. Not fair I know, but whoever said life was fair? A better agreement may be dual custody, with iron clad visitations. This means that you have a say in all matters (albeit a small one) regarding your child. Be sure to add a time AND date for all scheduled visits. Trust me, it wiill help you in the end.
- Get your finance in order quickly, and find somewhere to live. The anger you feel towards your ex will grow quickly and you don't want your child to listen to arguing.
- Don't give your ex reasons to make your life miserable. My dad calls it "kill her with kindness". Be nice, pleasant, accomidating within reason. But keep your distance, and do whats best for your child. Trust me, being nice to someone you hate (and eventually you probably will hate her) is hard, but in the end, she won't be able to sling mud in court if you are always nice.
-Lastly, although I could probably go on and on, quit with the "I'll die alone" stuff. This is simply "poor me" syndrome. I understand it, and it's natural, but the faster you get over it, the better you will be. My starter wife was brutal, and i never thought I would get over her. But my second and best wife is amazing, and I don't know how I lived without her previously.
The hardest part for me was living without my daughter on a daily basis. It sucked, and it still does. Make sure you cherish every minute with her, and you'll get through it. I have.
Good luck.
Abstraction
First Post
It was pretty tough with my starter wife, too. At least when we split up, we really didn't own much. We agreed that she got the Nintendo and I got the VCR. My second wife is great. I wonder if my third wife will be even better? By then, there should be balance built in and common resolution method. I have no idea what they will do by the time they get around to Wife 4E.
I'm A Banana
Potassium-Rich
Dude, you got hosed. Now everything is DVD, but where are you going to go when you want to play a round of DOUBLE DRAGON? Or BUBBLE BOBBLE?! Or THAT CRAPPY FIRST TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES GAME?!
You can always make more kids, but you can almost never get a new Nintendo!
Heretic Apostate
First Post
Just tell us the VCR wasn't a Beta!
I am a lawyer who used to do some family law.
Its been said before, but it bears repeating: Get an attorney. Get the best one you can afford...maybe the best you can just barely not afford. You want a bulldog in court and negotiations. Bulldogs look out for you when you are too depressed to look out for yourself.
(Personal note- I have a good friend who didn't have a bulldog...she not only lost in the community property division because he hid stuff in offshore accounts, the bastard even took some of her family heirlooms. Don't let that be you.)
Why? Amicable divorces are rare. In divorces where one person rolls over and plays dead, that someone usually gets screwed.
Seperate your finances as soon as possible and let all relevant parties know you're no longer responsible for your wife's debts. Notify the credit agencies.
SHUT DOWN ALL JOINT CREDIT CARDS. You don't need her or "her user friends" ruining your credit rating.
Whenever possible, be nice- especially in front of Spidertrag Jr. Be nice until it hurts. Then be nice some more. Little kids tend to repeat what they see and hear...and you don't want that to show up in court.
If your soon to be Ex-Ms. Spidertrag wants to get nasty- harrasing phone calls, not dropping off the kiddo, keep a log. Keep it with you like a day-runner. Anything that bears on the health and wellbeing of the kid should also be logged. Ex & kid are staying with a guy who just got busted for DUI? Log it! Ex missed dropping off the kiddo for a regularly scheduled visit? Log it? Ex spending child support on a new HDTV? Log it! Any of that can be grounds for altering custody arrangements.
ASAP- find out about your state's child support and alimony/palimony laws. You don't want to wake up one day to discover your paycheck has been garnished (in some jurisdictions, this can be done even before the divorce is finalized).
Know the details of every agreement in the process you sign. You don't want to be a day late or a dollar short on anything.
Its been said before, but it bears repeating: Get an attorney. Get the best one you can afford...maybe the best you can just barely not afford. You want a bulldog in court and negotiations. Bulldogs look out for you when you are too depressed to look out for yourself.
(Personal note- I have a good friend who didn't have a bulldog...she not only lost in the community property division because he hid stuff in offshore accounts, the bastard even took some of her family heirlooms. Don't let that be you.)
Why? Amicable divorces are rare. In divorces where one person rolls over and plays dead, that someone usually gets screwed.
Seperate your finances as soon as possible and let all relevant parties know you're no longer responsible for your wife's debts. Notify the credit agencies.
SHUT DOWN ALL JOINT CREDIT CARDS. You don't need her or "her user friends" ruining your credit rating.
Whenever possible, be nice- especially in front of Spidertrag Jr. Be nice until it hurts. Then be nice some more. Little kids tend to repeat what they see and hear...and you don't want that to show up in court.
If your soon to be Ex-Ms. Spidertrag wants to get nasty- harrasing phone calls, not dropping off the kiddo, keep a log. Keep it with you like a day-runner. Anything that bears on the health and wellbeing of the kid should also be logged. Ex & kid are staying with a guy who just got busted for DUI? Log it! Ex missed dropping off the kiddo for a regularly scheduled visit? Log it? Ex spending child support on a new HDTV? Log it! Any of that can be grounds for altering custody arrangements.
ASAP- find out about your state's child support and alimony/palimony laws. You don't want to wake up one day to discover your paycheck has been garnished (in some jurisdictions, this can be done even before the divorce is finalized).
Know the details of every agreement in the process you sign. You don't want to be a day late or a dollar short on anything.
If you're having problems finding an attorney in your area, try Lawyer locater
Similar Threads
