The_lurkeR
First Post
Haha woops, I meant to take that out of my quote for the 'ditto'... yeah hold off on the kidnapping charges 
THE BIG "D"---i never thought it would be me:(
- Thread starter spidertrag
- Start date
frankthedm
First Post
There was a reason get a lawyer came first in my advice. Unfortunatly the set up is VERY close to what can EASILY turn into a kidnapping. If the LAWYER says not to file, don't file. But don't discount the option or you may find your child impossible to find.
You are NOT the One who made your wife unhappy. She is the one who made hereself unhappy by keeping the bad company who she turned against you WITH. Until she proves otherewise, [and i mean reconciled or she forfits custody and marital assets] she is just as guilty as they are and has willingly betrayed you. Your emotions may try to have you deny this truth, don't let them ruin your life.
That is YOUR house, never move out.
End the direct deposit now.
You are NOT the One who made your wife unhappy. She is the one who made hereself unhappy by keeping the bad company who she turned against you WITH. Until she proves otherewise, [and i mean reconciled or she forfits custody and marital assets] she is just as guilty as they are and has willingly betrayed you. Your emotions may try to have you deny this truth, don't let them ruin your life.
That is YOUR house, never move out.
End the direct deposit now.
Last edited:
Lela
First Post
I remember this, though from a different perspective. I was sitting in my room and all seemed right. My parents have finally (after 8 years) had their bankruptcy go through. They didn't want to do it but, after getting roped into $500,000 in debt via a bad real estate contract, there was no choice (they'd waited 5 years to start, hoping to work something out). I could just feel the pressure releasing from our house--I suppose I no longer call it a home--and I thought everything was going to be okay.
A good friend of mine stopped by, invited me to his house to look at a couple new gaming books and X-Box game he'd just bought. I agreed, waiting the half hour after he left so he could finish his errands, and went downstairs.
There I found my parents in the kitchen, absolutely silent. My mother, sitting in a chair was staring into space and my father had the wall holding him up. Uncomfortable, and sure they weren't going to tell me about the problem (they had stopped talking when they heard me coming), I filled the emptiness with worthless information: where I was going, when I'd be back, something about my computer. Neither said a word and, after a moment, my dad just turned around and wandered away.
I commented to my mother, "I suppose I just walked into a serious conversation?" She told me she'd asked my dad for a divorce. Tears welled up in her eyes and I went into shock.
It's simple for me when I'm in shock. There's no emotion, no panic, no fear. My logic driven, rational mind, takes over and I can calmly deal with a situation. It's later that I collapse. I told her I had no idea how to respond to that, held her for a bit while she cried, and left for my friend's house.
Tears streamed out of me while I was driving and, taking the back roads to avoid death, I arrived in front of Jason's home. And sat there, staring at an actual brick wall, contemplating the symbolism inherent in it. After a while I left, having formed a plan. I would go cry. A lot. Somewhere else. Calmly and rationally. I couldn't stand it there. It was just. . .I couldn't.
Eventually I arrived at my best friend's house. I was going to approach the door, ask to see him, wait patiently, go down to his room to speak in private, and explain what had happened. All without my voice cracking or tears flowing. Then I would cry and he would understand. Then I would feel better.
I knocked on the door and he answered. There it was, my plan was shot. I couldn't ask for him. I couldn't wait patiently. I couldn't ask for privacy. I couldn't see. And he was holding me.
It took a while, and his family avoided the room--often turning back upon sight of me sobbing on the couch--but I got it all out. Since my plan had already fallen apart I wasn't surprised to find that I didn't feel any better. I just felt tired. And that feeling didn't go away for a very long time.
I've since moved out of my house and into an apartment. It was too hard to stay there and do everything my father once did. My mother had a very sharp edge to everything she said and my siblings and I alternated between denial and rage. I felt trapped and isolated. So I moved into my own apartment. It was easier.
Since then I've mostly recovered. My dad spent a year, to the day, walking around in a daze--no one, aside from my mother, had any idea this was coming--and we were pretty worried about suicide for most of it. He's out of it now, having found some other things to hold onto--he's lost a good bit of weight as well. My youngest brother's turned into a teenager, which involves pure moodiness but is surprisingly better than what he used to be. My mom's still sharper than she used to be but it's not cutting anymore.
I, well, I've discovered how incredible my friends are. These people have stood by me through some of the hardest moments of my life (from the divorce to me coming out of the closet) without blinking. I've been rude, cruel, and in pieces with most of them. They showed amazing stamina and love throughout the process and I thank god for them. I couldn't have done it, any of it, without them next to me.
I won't try to give you advice on what to do spidertrag. I really have no idea and you'll get more advice than you could ever ask for from people who know less than I as it is. I won't even say the outcome is worth the price you end up paying. I'll just say that these things don't always make sense, nor do they come easily. It hurts like hell and stabs deeper when you most need peace. I don't feel like a better person because of the ordeal; just a different one.
Which isn't a bad thing, I suppose. New things will come in to replace the old. You'll talk, you'll cry, you'll stop doing things that once meant the world to you and start doing things you never thought you'd enjoy. Be it friends, church, work or something else. Time will pass and you'll find that your life has other meanings, other things that matter to you. You'll change. It usually happens much more slowly--or maybe I just noticed it more this time through--but you will change. I wasn't a better person because of it, you probably won't be worse. We'll both end up different and, frankly put, that's okay. The old me was probably getting boring anyway.
So, you want to talk about, vent over or just plain avoid the situation, feel absolutely free to e-mail or IM me (valgrathproductions via gmail.com or Yahoo ID: yuppy_scum). I can do that and it will be just as helpful to me as it may be for you.
"I knew life wouldn't be easy. I just didn't expect it to be this hard."
-Me
A good friend of mine stopped by, invited me to his house to look at a couple new gaming books and X-Box game he'd just bought. I agreed, waiting the half hour after he left so he could finish his errands, and went downstairs.
There I found my parents in the kitchen, absolutely silent. My mother, sitting in a chair was staring into space and my father had the wall holding him up. Uncomfortable, and sure they weren't going to tell me about the problem (they had stopped talking when they heard me coming), I filled the emptiness with worthless information: where I was going, when I'd be back, something about my computer. Neither said a word and, after a moment, my dad just turned around and wandered away.
I commented to my mother, "I suppose I just walked into a serious conversation?" She told me she'd asked my dad for a divorce. Tears welled up in her eyes and I went into shock.
It's simple for me when I'm in shock. There's no emotion, no panic, no fear. My logic driven, rational mind, takes over and I can calmly deal with a situation. It's later that I collapse. I told her I had no idea how to respond to that, held her for a bit while she cried, and left for my friend's house.
Tears streamed out of me while I was driving and, taking the back roads to avoid death, I arrived in front of Jason's home. And sat there, staring at an actual brick wall, contemplating the symbolism inherent in it. After a while I left, having formed a plan. I would go cry. A lot. Somewhere else. Calmly and rationally. I couldn't stand it there. It was just. . .I couldn't.
Eventually I arrived at my best friend's house. I was going to approach the door, ask to see him, wait patiently, go down to his room to speak in private, and explain what had happened. All without my voice cracking or tears flowing. Then I would cry and he would understand. Then I would feel better.
I knocked on the door and he answered. There it was, my plan was shot. I couldn't ask for him. I couldn't wait patiently. I couldn't ask for privacy. I couldn't see. And he was holding me.
It took a while, and his family avoided the room--often turning back upon sight of me sobbing on the couch--but I got it all out. Since my plan had already fallen apart I wasn't surprised to find that I didn't feel any better. I just felt tired. And that feeling didn't go away for a very long time.
I've since moved out of my house and into an apartment. It was too hard to stay there and do everything my father once did. My mother had a very sharp edge to everything she said and my siblings and I alternated between denial and rage. I felt trapped and isolated. So I moved into my own apartment. It was easier.
Since then I've mostly recovered. My dad spent a year, to the day, walking around in a daze--no one, aside from my mother, had any idea this was coming--and we were pretty worried about suicide for most of it. He's out of it now, having found some other things to hold onto--he's lost a good bit of weight as well. My youngest brother's turned into a teenager, which involves pure moodiness but is surprisingly better than what he used to be. My mom's still sharper than she used to be but it's not cutting anymore.
I, well, I've discovered how incredible my friends are. These people have stood by me through some of the hardest moments of my life (from the divorce to me coming out of the closet) without blinking. I've been rude, cruel, and in pieces with most of them. They showed amazing stamina and love throughout the process and I thank god for them. I couldn't have done it, any of it, without them next to me.
I won't try to give you advice on what to do spidertrag. I really have no idea and you'll get more advice than you could ever ask for from people who know less than I as it is. I won't even say the outcome is worth the price you end up paying. I'll just say that these things don't always make sense, nor do they come easily. It hurts like hell and stabs deeper when you most need peace. I don't feel like a better person because of the ordeal; just a different one.
Which isn't a bad thing, I suppose. New things will come in to replace the old. You'll talk, you'll cry, you'll stop doing things that once meant the world to you and start doing things you never thought you'd enjoy. Be it friends, church, work or something else. Time will pass and you'll find that your life has other meanings, other things that matter to you. You'll change. It usually happens much more slowly--or maybe I just noticed it more this time through--but you will change. I wasn't a better person because of it, you probably won't be worse. We'll both end up different and, frankly put, that's okay. The old me was probably getting boring anyway.
So, you want to talk about, vent over or just plain avoid the situation, feel absolutely free to e-mail or IM me (valgrathproductions via gmail.com or Yahoo ID: yuppy_scum). I can do that and it will be just as helpful to me as it may be for you.
"I knew life wouldn't be easy. I just didn't expect it to be this hard."
-Me
Zappo
Explorer
I, too, have the strong suspicion that this thing has been planned. I wouldn't trust any church that has a prophetess in it and demands money from its members. I hope I'm wrong, but I feel that the whole thing has been planned, and that they'll now try to milk as much money as they can out of you. Get a lawyer ASAP, and try to find any record of how she gave away your money.
To echo what others have said:
Get a lawyer. Today.
Trust no church that involves prophetesses and large amounts of other people's money. I call shenanigans.
Unless there's something else involved, go for custody of your daughter. I'd go for "custody" of the current living arrangements too, but the kidlet is much more important and from what you've said you're a better candidate than the mother.
Whatever you do, don't give up hope for a happy future.. I went through something very similar a bit over a year ago, and in pretty much every way I am better off now than I was before the divorce. Grab life by the neck and choke it into submission; you'll be glad you did.
BTW, whereabouts in Alabama are you? I'm moving to Auburn later this year. Back to school now that I don't have to support the ex's horses and flock of parrots and expensive designer dogs...
Get a lawyer. Today.
Trust no church that involves prophetesses and large amounts of other people's money. I call shenanigans.
Unless there's something else involved, go for custody of your daughter. I'd go for "custody" of the current living arrangements too, but the kidlet is much more important and from what you've said you're a better candidate than the mother.
Whatever you do, don't give up hope for a happy future.. I went through something very similar a bit over a year ago, and in pretty much every way I am better off now than I was before the divorce. Grab life by the neck and choke it into submission; you'll be glad you did.
BTW, whereabouts in Alabama are you? I'm moving to Auburn later this year. Back to school now that I don't have to support the ex's horses and flock of parrots and expensive designer dogs...
Jesus_marley
First Post
Lawyer up now.
The deck is already stacked against you. You need to prepare yourself for a possibly nasty fight. There is a strong possibility that if she is in a "cult", she is going to have access to some very strong allies both financially and legally. You need to set up your own sole banking accounts NOW.
The thing you need to realize is that this ball was rolling long before you were even informed. There are already plans in the works to screw you out of everything.
I know it sounds alarmist, and it MAY not be like I describe, but you need to prepare for it regardless. If it turns out that the divorce is amicable, fantastic. BUT, if it isn't, and you are not prepared, you will get screwed.
If you have to, hire a PI to monitor your daughter. If this is a cult scenario, there is a strong chance she may be "shielded" by them. You need to know where she is at all times.
I hate to instill fear, but divorce nowadays is something that can potentially ruin you. Protect yourself.
The deck is already stacked against you. You need to prepare yourself for a possibly nasty fight. There is a strong possibility that if she is in a "cult", she is going to have access to some very strong allies both financially and legally. You need to set up your own sole banking accounts NOW.
The thing you need to realize is that this ball was rolling long before you were even informed. There are already plans in the works to screw you out of everything.
I know it sounds alarmist, and it MAY not be like I describe, but you need to prepare for it regardless. If it turns out that the divorce is amicable, fantastic. BUT, if it isn't, and you are not prepared, you will get screwed.
If you have to, hire a PI to monitor your daughter. If this is a cult scenario, there is a strong chance she may be "shielded" by them. You need to know where she is at all times.
I hate to instill fear, but divorce nowadays is something that can potentially ruin you. Protect yourself.
Clear out any money you have jointly.
If you owe your own home, put up a for sale sign.
Place the money from the sales of the house into an account that no one but your daughter can touch (touch after she turns 18). This reduces your net worth, and makes you look like a better father in the eyes of the court (after all you are suppling your daughter with college money).
Whatever "her people" want for child support/alamony, fight it. A required payment will destroy you financally, you can give your daughter all the clothes she wants, buy boxes of food and toys, and everything in the world, but if you have a required 3/4 of your pay check going to your ex and your daughter then you will never recover.
Be patient and kind to your ex- remember your daughter is going to blame herself for everything that happens between her parents, that is a given, if you show open hatred towards each other then she will blame herslf for that too.
Don't hope that depression will help you lose weight. While off for an injury I gained thirty pounds. Do yourself a favor and join a gym, when you feel like a lump of.... something, well go to the gym.
Get into school, should you go to court you can tell the judge- "I am trying to better myself, my wife didn't want me to go to school," which helps her to look more like a manipulater and reduces her chances of getting more from you.
Move everything that is yours out of the house quickly, take things that are clearly hers to use as bargaining chips later- "opps, I guess I took that by mistake. Hay, do you have my high school year book? I would like to have that- trade you."
Not sure why people view gamers as people that are going to hell. Oh, and teach your daughter to game as soon as you can, but don't tell your ex about it.
All of this was told to me by a former co worker that had been through it three times.
Sorry to hear about your coming seperation. Its something I hope to avoid, and never go through. Good luck.
If you owe your own home, put up a for sale sign.
Place the money from the sales of the house into an account that no one but your daughter can touch (touch after she turns 18). This reduces your net worth, and makes you look like a better father in the eyes of the court (after all you are suppling your daughter with college money).
Whatever "her people" want for child support/alamony, fight it. A required payment will destroy you financally, you can give your daughter all the clothes she wants, buy boxes of food and toys, and everything in the world, but if you have a required 3/4 of your pay check going to your ex and your daughter then you will never recover.
Be patient and kind to your ex- remember your daughter is going to blame herself for everything that happens between her parents, that is a given, if you show open hatred towards each other then she will blame herslf for that too.
Don't hope that depression will help you lose weight. While off for an injury I gained thirty pounds. Do yourself a favor and join a gym, when you feel like a lump of.... something, well go to the gym.
Get into school, should you go to court you can tell the judge- "I am trying to better myself, my wife didn't want me to go to school," which helps her to look more like a manipulater and reduces her chances of getting more from you.
Move everything that is yours out of the house quickly, take things that are clearly hers to use as bargaining chips later- "opps, I guess I took that by mistake. Hay, do you have my high school year book? I would like to have that- trade you."
Not sure why people view gamers as people that are going to hell. Oh, and teach your daughter to game as soon as you can, but don't tell your ex about it.
All of this was told to me by a former co worker that had been through it three times.
Sorry to hear about your coming seperation. Its something I hope to avoid, and never go through. Good luck.
Bryon_Soulweaver
First Post
You took my advise Harmon, just as i was writting it.......
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