Top 10 Internation Puns

[Desdichado]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[Kemrain]

This hurts my soul.

Great find, Joshua.

- Kemrain the Washing Brain with Bleach.

 

[Desdichado]

Hey, thanks! Personally, I doubt that there was actually an "International Pun Contest", and based on #10, that these are the winners seems pretty unlikely.

They're still pretty cool, though...

 

[Jdvn1]

My groin!

Yeah, those are about as good as puns come. I don't know how much that says, but I've heard #4, though.

 

[mojo1701]

The one they forgot:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

 

[reveal]

A string walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Get out."

The string walks back outside and goes around the corner into an alleyway. He then proceeds to tie himself into a knot and shag up both his ends. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender glares at him and says, "Ain't you that string that was just in here."

The string says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."



Oh! And did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

 

[Boojum]

Dr. Attilla, a cancer researcher, had a breakthrough and discovered a type of tumor that, although technically malignant, grew at such a glacial pace that it would take decades to do any actual damage. When the Attilla tumor, as it was called, was announced at a medical convention, the audience groaned but agreed that it was inevitable. After all, as one of them remarked, A Hun is the slowest form of tumor.

 

[der_kluge]

A gentleman went to his dentist for his semi-annual check-up. During the course of the examination, his dentist noticed some abnormal wear on his dental plate.

At the end of the visit, the dentist remarked, "During the check-up, I saw some corrosion on your dental plate. Have you been eating anything acidic lately?"

"Not that I can think of... Oh, wait, yeah. My wife made this great hollandaise sauce the other day, and I've been eating it on every thing ever since."

"O.K. Other than that, everything checked out alright. I'm just going to recommend that you go to an orthodontist and have you plate switched out with a chrome one."

"Chrome?"

"Sorry, I keep forgetting to elaborate. Everyone in the dental profession knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

 

[Mouseferatu]

A man is traveling abroad when he comes down with a strange illness. None of the local doctors can help him, so he waits until he gets home, and goes to see his normal physician.

"Doc," he says, after describing the symptoms, "the guys over-seas told me they couldn't help me. Can you?"

The doctor shakes his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. I've seen this before, but I just don't know of any cure for it."

Scared, the man goes to get a second opinion, and then a third. He sees specialists. He flies around the country, and eventually around the world, seeking help, but nobody can offer him any hope.

Finally, just when he's about to give up, he hears tell of a doctor at Mercy Hospital in Sydney, Australia, who has been able to concoct some truly amazing medications out of the local flora and fauna. Desperate, he flies to Syndney, and there he gets the news he's hoped for these many months.

"Sure, I can help you," the doctor tells him. "I've seen this disease before. Turns out that koala bears have a natural immunity. I've been able to brew a medicine from their skin that, with several days of observation and treatment, should clear the problem right up."

Well, disgusting as the idea sounds, the man doesn't have a choice and agrees. He checks into the hospital, and that evening, a nurse bring him his first batch.

Drinking, the man almost gags. "Excuse me, nurse?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I realize that I have to take this, but isn't there any way you can at least filter out the hair?"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir, but it's hospital policy."

"Hospital policy?"

"Yes. The koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

 

[der_kluge]

I did a google search for the last one here, and found some other good ones along with it. enjoy.


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted 'Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!!' The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient.'


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?'


Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned
out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were
so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: 'He who has a
Tates is lost!'


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 'We have absolutely nothing
to go on.'


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, 'The
thong is ended but the malady lingers on,'


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, 'I must have taken
Leif off my census,'


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.