Un-invitation

[Grogg of the North]

So, in my gaming group one of the players, lets call him Bob, quit in a huff over an imaginary dress. After the session Bob said that he wasn't interested in creating a new high level character but wanted us to let him know when we started a new campaign. However, Bob's behavior at the table left a lot to be desired and the consensus at the table was that we were all having a lot more fun without him there.

Time marches on and a new campaign is set to begin. I'm the DM. Part of me feels that I should email Bob and let him know that he's not invited to the new game. Another part of me feels that after Bob's behavior I don't owe him anything and good riddance.

We play on Roll20. I almost never see Bob outside of D&D. His wife, however, is a saint and wonderful person.

Thoughts? Advice?

 

[MNblockhead]

I understand that you feel it would be the honorable course to inform him of the new game and groups decision to exclude him, but from his perspective it will likely come across as a slight. It may feel to him that you are just contacting him to rub his nose in it. Even if you take great efforts to deliver the message in such a way as to avoid offense, it is still not pleasant to hear that there is a party and you are not invited.

You said that you do not have much contact with him outside of the VTT. Has *he* made *any* attempt to keep in touch? Does he invite you to any games? If not, then his asking to keep him in mind for a future campaign may just be his way of trying to lessen any potential offense you as the GM may have taken at him leaving your game "in a huff." He is the one who left based over umbrage he took over perceived slights delivered by your group. I don't think you owe him anything.

On the other hand, if he has been trying to keep the relationship going; if he has been in communication and has expressed an interest in playing; then I think you do owe it to him to have a conversation. Explain the ground rules and expectations of the group. Tell him that if he doesn't agree to these ground rules, then maybe it is not the right game for him, but that there may be other games you can get together for. If your group absolutely doesn't want to play with him then you just have to tell him that. State that you would like to keep him as a friend, but that this group doesn't want to play with him. You may lose him as a friend, but adults realize that many of us hang out in multiple social circles that don't always mix well. If he needs all of his friends' friends to be his friends than he'll need to get used to a very small social circle.

 

[GuardianLurker]

Time passes... a new campaign (Bob-less) is started.
You run into Bob and wife on the street, he asks how the game's going.
Your answer "Pretty well; I'm afraid we don't have any slots open, though."

If you're put into a situation where Bob overhears you inviting a new player:
"I'm sorry Bob. I think they'll be a better fit for the adventure, and that was the last slot."

If he knows there's at least one more slot open, you'll just have to bite the bullet:
"Frankly Bob, after the Dress Incident, the group felt things went better without you at the table, because of..."
If you're feeling generous at that point: "I'll talk to the group, but unless you're comfortable addressing and correcting those issues, I don't think it would work."

It's not comfortable. I've done it, and had it done to me. You live, you learn, and you don't do it the next time.

 

[SunGold]

Part of me feels that I should email Bob and let him know that he's not invited to the new game.

Nope. Anyone with even a touch of social awareness would understand what the lack of an invitation to the new game means. No need to pour salt in the wound.

If he contacts you and asks, have a discussion then. No need to proactively reach out to this person you hardly ever see anyway and create a problem where there is none.

 

[Morrus]

That sounds needlessly nasty. No, don't ever email anybody and tell them they're not invited to something. Just don't invite them.

 

[Grogg of the North]

Thank you for the advice everyone!

 

[DM Howard]

Yeah, if he contacts you then it would be worth having a constructive conversation about his negative impact on the group's play experience, but if he isn't proactive then don't go out of your way yourself.

 

[Rune]

In my experience, including/inviting a player while deliberately excluding their spouse is a recipe for tension between the two. Don't be surprised if you lose two players out of the deal. Especially if you proactively tell the one he is not welcome.

 

[Umbran]

Especially if you proactively tell the one he is not welcome.

Well, if you invite his spouse, and not him, it isn't like you can plausibly think that he won't find out. At that point, failing to address him personally is yet another snub.

Though, I agree with the general posit that, with a few exceptions, specifically telling someone they are not invited is kind of rude. "Hey, Jim, we're having a party and you can't come! Nyah, nyah!"

 

[Grogg of the North]

For clarification, Bob's spouse does not play D&D. Though she is friendly with my wife.