UPDATE 4/17/05: Joining an established group

[Doc_Klueless]

Anyone else get really nervous when they start playing with an established group?

Here's the story:

I'm finally going to play with a group in a face-to-face game after better than 4 years with no real face-to-face action except for one-off here and there. So I'm nervous about joining this group. It's almost like dating!!

1) What if they don't like me?
2) What if I don't like them?
3) What if I like them, they like me, but the game still sucks?

Oh, sure. I could just quit and sit at my computer every day daydreaming about the good ol' days, but I really want to play.

Then I start thinking about: Geez, that's a Saturday that I have a commitment. Hmm, can't do anything else that Saturday. Are you suuuure you want to do this?

Aaaaaarrrgh...

It doesn't help that I'm extremely introverted (in person) and have difficult time meeting new people to begin with. Fact is: I'm sure that this is the root of the problem and everything will be just fine once I meet and become acclimatized to the group.

Sometimes being shy/introverted/slightly neurotic really sucks.

Anyone else have these kind of hangups?

 

[Chimera]

So I'm nervous about joining this group. It's almost like dating!!

1) What if they don't like me?
2) What if I don't like them?
3) What if I like them, they like me, but the game still sucks?

Yeah, it is like dating, in that you're meeting new people and hoping you like each other enough to establish an on-going relationship.

1> Oh well. I always harken back to a quote from Sir Lawrence Olivier, the first line of which is; "No matter what you do, some people will always dislike you" You have to realize that it isn't always about you, it's about them and what they feel and/or think inside that you have no control over. Sure, it's hard when you're extremely introverted (as I am on occasion), but again, it's not always about you even when it's about you.

2> That's ok. You don't have to like them. Can you still play with them? If you dislike them enough, you probably shouldn't try, or you're just headed down the road to unhappiness and frustration. The fact that you want to game so bad isn't a reason to put up with the unhappiness of gaming with people you dislike.

3> Same as #2. Even if you like the people, but you hate the game, you're going down the same road of unhappiness. Worse, you'll probably end up turning yourself into the jerkwater 'disruptive' player who only comes to socialize. Take a walk. On the positive side: If you create social bonds with some of the players, you can always invite them to your own game or maybe get invited to a different game that one of them plays in (I got into one game that way in the past.)


My general advice for joining an established group (now that I've done so four times: Dropping out of two of them, being asked to leave one and still playing another) is this:

Lie low, keep your mouth shut. At least for the first 3-4 sessions.

Watch the group interplay and figure out who the regular group leaders are. Watch their reactions when it's your turn to play/interact/make decisions. Do they get irritated at anyone else showing initiative or disagreeing with them? Do the other players defer to them, and if so, howso? How picky is the GM on the rules? How picky are the players on the rules? When it comes to group decisions, especially out of game issues, shut up and let the others make the decision.

After 3-4 sessions, you should have a good handle on group dynamics, style of play and whether or not you want to continue with the group. The other players will also have established a certain level of comfort with your presence. At that point, you can begin interjecting more of your own opinions and thoughts into the group.

Good Luck and good gaming!

 

[fusangite]

Anyone else get really nervous when they start playing with an established group?

Depends on the group. I only get nervous if I feel that the group over all is somehow "cooler" than I am. So, Teflon Billy's groups, which are notoriously fully of witty, socially and sexually successful people are the only groups about which I have felt this way.

Still, the experience you are describing is one that I have with basically every non-RPG, non-political group I have ever attempted to integrate myself into. So, I certainly identify with how you are feeling.

1) What if they don't like me?

That would suck. Them's the breaks.

2) What if I don't like them?

Then you should find another group. With all the resources out there on the 'net, that shouldn't be that hard.

3) What if I like them, they like me, but the game still sucks?

Same as a dating situation I was in last year: use the game to trade up. Play the game until you find a better one; the sucky game will give you practice at socially readjusting to gaming groups and playing bad D&D is much like sex and pizza for me: even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. Other players in your group may end up providing you with the contacts you need for joining a group that meets more of your needs.

Then I start thinking about: Geez, that's a Saturday that I have a commitment. Hmm, can't do anything else that Saturday. Are you suuuure you want to do this?

It sounds from how you're describing your current social life that keeping your Saturday nights unoccupied hasn't exactly been getting the job done for you socially. For all you know, you might find someone dateable through the group with whom you can start playing hooky from the game.

It doesn't help that I'm extremely introverted (in person) and have difficult time meeting new people to begin with.

Let me go way out on a limb here: in order to make a good impression so you don't appear too scared/freaked-out/intense, you might want to get a small prescription from your doctor for ativan or clonazepam just for the first week or two of the game. That way your anxiety over the situation won't screw up the impression you make. Or, failing that, a shot of tequila before gaming never hurt anyone.

 

[Brain]

Lie low, keep your mouth shut. At least for the first 3-4 sessions.

I'd advise a different tact. What I'd do is make a friendly, likeable character for my first introduction to a group. Avoid sneaky characters or morally questionable ones that might have the party suspecting you. All of these things will rub off on their impression of you to a certain extent, subconsciously. Ask lots of questions and just try to have fun. Don't make assumptions about how things are run because that's how they were run in a different campaign.

 

[Chimera]

I'd advise a different tact. What I'd do is make a friendly, likeable character for my first introduction to a group. Avoid sneaky characters or morally questionable ones that might have the party suspecting you. All of these things will rub off on their impression of you

Not exactly a different tact, but your advice is very good.

Coming in with a questionable or untrustworthy character says something about you 'to a certain extent', especially in a situation where people are still trying to learn what you are like and whether or not you personally are trustworthy.

The worst possible idea is coming in with an untrustworthy character who intends to screw over the other PCs. I can't even imagine how people can think that this will endear them to the other players.

Don't make assumptions about how things are run because that's how they were run in a different campaign.

Also true, which is why I advise laying low and watching the group interaction. I've seen enough people come into games and get confused (or worse, disruptive) because "we always did it this way". Sorry dude, but "we" have always done it a different way and that doesn't mean "we" are wrong. (And who is this "we" of which you speak?)

Watch and learn.

 

[S'mon]

I'd advise a different tact. What I'd do is make a friendly, likeable character for my first introduction to a group.

As well as friendly & likeable I'd suggest brave & forthright; possibly a Paladin or LG Cleric - someone who can pull their weight in the group, especially in combat. I'd generally suggest avoiding 'utility' characters like Monks Bards & Rogues; a Sorcerer might be ok if their abilities are a good mesh with the party; most parties are always grateful for extra fireballs.
Avoid shy, retiring PCs unless they have a very obvious schtick such as fireballs or being a melee powerhouse.

 

[S'mon]

Depends on the group. I only get nervous if I feel that the group over all is somehow "cooler" than I am. So, Teflon Billy's groups, which are notoriously full of... sexually successful people...

So, they're all happily married?

 

[Doc_Klueless]

I finally got to play with the group and it went well, I think.

I really enjoyed myself. Played a Spontaneous Divine Casting Cleric named Brother Merciful Blessings aka "Mercy".

It's amazing how much better it is to play face-to-face over even the best OnLine method.

It appeared, to me anyway, that the group liked having me on board (They really needed a cleric.) and they made me feel very welcome.

And that made all the difference in the world. When a new person used to join my old group, of which I was the DM, I always went out of my way to make the person feel welcome. Now I got to feel it from the other side and I'm sooooo glad that I did the same thing. After only about an hour of play I felt like not only was I a part of the group, but that I'd been a part of the group for far longer than I had been.

The DM of the group had an interesting method of helping the new player become "aclimatized" to the setting. He awarded the other players "Story Points/bonus xp's" for filling me in on things. So, they'd be gabbing about what's going on and then one of them would turn to me and go: "You see, what happened there is...." or "The Mountainvale place we're talking about is...", etc., etc.

It took the pressure off the DM and placed it on the players and also made if feel far more natural to get the background and meat of the world.

All-in-all, very positive for me. And also, I'm finally playing again!!

 

[IronWolf]

Sounds like you found yourself a good group! Glad to hear things worked out for you!