[Update] My girlfriend is not breaking up with me

[Teflon Billy]

Thanks for all the interest. I appreciate the support.

My girlfriend did not break up with me. She has apparently been unhappy in the relationship, which was news to me. She got on the plane back here convinced that she needed to break up with me. We discussed things and figured out the real problem: she spends all of her free time devoted to the relationship to the detriment of her personal interests. We have agreed to spend less time together, and she has signed up for a poetry class and an aikido class where she hopes to make new friends and have a life of her own that does not involve being devoted to the relationship 24/7. It's strange new territory for me - the idea of her not being around as often - but it sounds healthy and if it makes her happier, I'm all for it. It will be an adjustment for me, but it's a lot better than breaking up, which as it turns out, is something neither of us wants to do...

I'm going to catch Hell for this, but I want you to listen closely ForceUser.

She is still going to dump you

You two talked yourselves out of it, but when she returns to her life away from you and begins to mingle with folks to your exclusion (by design I might add), she is going to hook up with someone from that group.

Make no mistake; you are still breaking up, you havce just chosen to do it incrementally rather than all at once.

I'm sorry man , but I've seen it more times than I can count (and taken part more times than I'd like to admit).

 

[ForceUser]

I'm going to catch Hell for this, but I want you to listen closely ForceUser.

She is still going to dump you

You two talked yourselves out of it, but when she returns to her life away from you and begins to mingle with folks to your exclusion (by design I might add), she is going to hook up with someone from that group.

Make no mistake; you are still breaking up, you havce just chosen to do it incrementally rather than all at once.

I'm sorry man , but I've seen it more times than I can count (and taken part more times than I'd like to admit).

Perhaps. To be honest, I fear this very thing. Having skirted a breakup, there's a part of me that wonders when I'm going to be faced with such a situation again. There's this cheesy old line that goes "If you love something, let it go free. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be." It's cliche, but I believe in it. I have told her that I want to be with her, but I don't want to be an anchor tying her down and keeping her from doing what she wants to do. I would rather break up than be that.

I want her to be with me because she chooses to be with me. As painful as it would be to separate, I'd rather that than her staying in the relationship and being unhappy. I have told her this. It's very important to me. That said, I'm not going to live my life waiting for a breakup, because as much as I have been burned in the past (as much as any of you, I'd wager), I am not a cynic. I'm just going to live my life, come what may.

 

[Teflon Billy]

...That said, I'm not going to live my life waiting for a breakup, because as much as I have been burned in the past (as much as any of you, I'd wager), I am not a cynic. I'm just going to live my life, come what may.

Good Man

I should hope that you won't "live your life waiting for a breakup" (particularly given that you've chosen to continue with the relationship). If this is what you have decided to attempt, you'd be crazy to live your life that way.

It is just important that if/when it happens, you are not entirely unprepared for it.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that everyhting works out in your favor; but should the "train leave the tracks", try and have your guard up a bit, OK?

 

[Hand of Evil]

As TB said but to add, you also need to do what she is doing, get out meet new people change a little too, find something to keep yourself busy.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

ForceUser, let me ask you a question. Do you honestly feel like you were "an anchor tying her down"? Do you think you were making unrealistic or insensitve demands on her time and attention? Because there's a distinction between "obsessive and clingy" and "I'm your boyfriend, how about a little attention", and it's not a fine line.

Maybe you really were being a drain on her time and social life; only the two of you know for sure. But you'll have to ask yourself in the time to come if you are having YOUR emotional needs met. I feel ridiculous for even having to say this, but it's something a lot of guys don't get, or feel guilty for considering, and that's:

Your needs are as important as hers.

 

[Old Fezziwig]

Your needs are as important as hers.

Absolutely. This is so key. Glad that everything's kosher now, ForceUser, and I hope it stays good and positive.

Best,
Nick

 

[Umbran]

You two talked yourselves out of it, but when she returns to her life away from you and begins to mingle with folks to your exclusion (by design I might add), she is going to hook up with someone from that group.

Gloom and doom are not constructive.

It is always possible - always, even for relationships that have lasted decades - for one person or the other to find someone new. This much is true. But it is also always necessary for a relationship to find a balance between "we-time" and "me-time". People must have an identity separate from their romantic relationships.

Rather than being an assured doom, the step they've taken is one that is required for long-term stability. Doesn't mean they won't fall apart, but it certainly doesn't mean they will, either.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Gloom and doom are not constructive.

In a thread where opinions are requested, all opinion is contructive.

If you want to give him "Sunshine and Light", then go ahead. But my experiences (and they are myriad) point elsewhere.

...Rather than being an assured doom, the step they've taken is one that is required for long-term stability. Doesn't mean they won't fall apart, but it certainly doesn't mean they will, either.

I have 50 bucks that says they will.

 

[Terwox]

I once bet five bucks w/ a seperate guy that a friend of mine from work would break up with his girlfriend, because they were having lots of problems and needed a long talk.

I now owe that guy five bucks -- they talked it out and they've been happy since. Well, as far as I know, I haven't talked to them lately.

It can work, it can not work, I can't say I have any real advice though.

 

[Umbran]

In a thread where opinions are requested, all opinion is contructive.

I'm not sure that's actually true. But, if it is, then my opinion that gloom and doom isn't constructive is, in and of itself, constructive

The thing is this - gloom and doom strongly tends to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that it's going to end, you will tend to behave in such a manner that will bring about the end even if it wasn't going to happen. Unless you want the relationship to end, there is no gain from taking the position that it will.

If you want to give him "Sunshine and Light", then go ahead. But my experiences (and they are myriad) point elsewhere.

The human heart is not digital, TB. It has more than the two states. If you go and read what I've said, you'll see that I'm not taking a "sunshine and light" position. I'm more a "act constructively, wait and see" kind of guy. I have admitted that an end may happen. But I strongly suggest that taking that as the core position is a backwards step.

I have 50 bucks that says they will.

I'm on a student budget, looking for a job, and getting married in October. I don't have spare dimes to rub together, much less $50 bucks to spare on gambling.