[Update] My girlfriend is not breaking up with me

[ForceUser]

Today I stood in the shower and let the water wash over me. It poured over my head and down my cheeks, and my vision blurred from running bathwater as though I was crying. I leaned my forehead against the shower stall and felt defeated. In three hours, my girlfriend is going to get off a plane, drive home and explain to me the issues she's worked out in her life while she was away visiting her mother. She's going to tell me the changes she needs to make so she can feel...happier? Productive? I'm not sure. From the tenor of our most recent emails, I suspect this profound change she needs to make does not include me.

We've dated for eight months, and I can say without hyperbole that it has been the happiest time of my life. I know that during this time she has struggled with finding a career after college, with sexism on the job, and with loneliness as her closest family members in town moved far away. Through it all I have been supportive, encouraging her to do what's best for herself, encouraging her to take action. I am feeling a sense of bitter irony as our meeting today approaches.

I have been suspecting that something was wrong for several days as her communication went from loving to perfunctory. Last night, in an email, she confirmed my suspicion - when she returned, we needed to have a talk. I love my girlfriend. I'm frightened.

T-minus 3 hours and counting.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

Y'know, "Seinfeld"'s George Costanza wasn't right about a great many things, but his preemptive break-up thing was right on the money. Break up with her before she has a chance to do the same to you. Women want to be dumped even less than men do. I mean, if the handwriting's on the wall anyway for this relationship, at least you can come out the victor.

Anyone who tells you relationships aren't about who wins is either lying to you, naive, or trying to sell you a self-help tape.

 

[ForceUser]

Y'know, "Seinfeld"'s George Costanza wasn't right about a great many things, but his preemptive break-up thing was right on the money. Break up with her before she has a chance to do the same to you. Women want to be dumped even less than men do. I mean, if the handwriting's on the wall anyway for this relationship, at least you can come out the victor.

Anyone who tells you relationships aren't about who wins is either lying to you, naive, or trying to sell you a self-help tape.

You...are a bad man

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

I was actually being semi-serious . If you think the net result will be "no girlfriend", why not be the dumper instead of the dumpee?

 

[ForceUser]

I think it's immature. George Costanza is no role model. I am hoping to work it out.

 

[Argent Silvermage]

There is never a good time for a break up but "doing it before she can" is beyond stupid. (no offense TW)

The mature thing to do is steel yourself for the worst but actualy talk about whay is happening. If you love this woman and she loves you then compromise is the only way to go. Just remember it is not a game... it's life.

My best wishes for you and her.
A

 

[dave_o]

Girls = :\ .

She may also just need some space for a while. Sometimes, if you're really into someone, you can't really tell that you're smothering them. I don't know enough about your situation, but along with some accidental smothering, you could also really be a stumbling block toward her getting her $*#& together. Relationships are pretty hard, especially when they start to go south, and she may truly simply be speaking out of her best interests.

Just, try to understand her side, as well.

My suggestion is to maintain contact, and help her however she asks. But don't seem desperate; appear, at least, to totally understand why she's doing what she's doing. She'll respect you a lot for it, and that'll show a degree of maturity that most girls won't wanna give up.

That, or revenge, are really your only options.

 

[Umbran]

If you think the net result will be "no girlfriend", why not be the dumper instead of the dumpee?

If for no other reason - what you think might happen and what is actually going to happen are often not the same thing. Humans are remakably bad at predicting the future. Your advice is a good way to shoot yourself in the foot.

In addition, if you really care about them, you don't want to hurt them, even if they're about to hurt you.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

There is never a good time for a break up but "doing it before she can" is beyond stupid. (no offense TW)

:: smiley, where are you when I need you most?

I'm gonna tell you guys a little story, so bear with me for a second.

I dated a girl for a while in high school. We'd been great friends for a few years; everyone around us thought it was a good match. I was kind and sweet and chivalrous towards her. She was my first real love, and I loved this girl with every fiber of my being. She was happy, I was happy. Then one day, literally out of the blue, she shows up on my doorstep wanting to go for a walk in the park. We go out to a picnic table and she drops the break-up bomb on me. I was completely unprepared. She told me she'd had feelings for me that she thought was love, and they'd just recently decoded themselves, and it turned out she'd never been in love with me. I told her that's all fine and dandy, but I couldn't turn off my feelings like a faucet; I couldn't make myself not love her anymore. Her response was "You'll just have to try." For the record: she was the one who wanted to go steady in the first place.

Fast forward a couple years. We were in our first years in college. She'd gone out of state, I stayed local. I get a letter from her and she's basically taking back everything in the breakup. She's so lonely and she misses me so much and she wants to go back to the way things were. And for me, the last 2 years of getting over her just washes away. We email each other nightly, and see each other on winter break. She talks to me about how dissatisfied she is at her school, and how she's going to come back and study here. Needless to say, I'm thrilled with the prospect of picking up again, a little older and (to my thinking) a little wiser.

So she moves back to town. We see each other once. I put no pressure on her, just saying how great it is to have her back around and how much I've missed her. And then she never returns my calls. It took me a couple weeks to put it all together and realize that I've just spent the better part of a year undoing 2 years worth of emotional healing, just to go back to being hurt again. I let the same girl DESTROY me twice.

I spent a lot of time after that wondering what the hell was wrong with me, why do women keep leaving? All of them have agreed in the inevitable relationship postmortem that I did everything right, I was a perfect gentleman and a good boyfriend.

Then I started looking around at the relationships around me. My buddy's girlfriend of several years cheated on him and left him. Another friend, as sweet a guy as you'll ever meet, was dumped repeatedly.

I started to see a pattern, and it led me to a kind of truth: Men let women control the relationship. Women tend to decide when the relationship begins and when it ends. Also, women (in my experience) tend to come out much better in the end emotionally than men.

All of this led me to the following conclusion: Men need to be more proactive in their romantic relationships. Men have to stand up for what they want and be vocal about it. At its best, a relationship has to be a true emotional partnership between two people, and you should always put the happiness of the other person front and center, but in the end you have to look out for your own emotions too.

And I've put this philosophy into play, quite successfully I might add. I instigated the relationship with my current girlfriend. I asked her to move in with me. I said we should share our financial burdens. We've been together five years and I've never once felt like a passenger. And if the day ever comes when I can see it's not working out (I don't think it'll get that bad, but you never know) I will be the one to say "it's over".

Is this plan right for everyone? Probably not. But we all have a choice to make ultimately: you can be standing in the wreckage of a relationship wondering what went wrong, or you can declare that you are in control of your destiny. I know which one I'll pick from now on.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

Double post.