Upset over incompatible gaming styles?

[Guest 85555]

People here seem to recognize that there are different gaming styles among players.

But in my experience, it seems like any time I encounter a new player and for whatever reason things don't work out between us because we approach the game differently, I always feel like the person is mad at me. Then I wonder if the person goes around town and bad mouths me whenever he/she joins another group.

I have no idea if that is true. But it definitely always seems like the person is ticked off cause I don't want to DM them or I won't do what they want to please their gaming style. If people have different gaming styles, then why would they get mad when they clash with another player as if it is the other persons fault?

Does it still annoy you when you run into this with a DM and things don't work out with the group? If so, why?

I think there are a few things going on here. First how you communicate this to the people in question matters a great deal. I don't know the backstory so don't want to assume things. But I could see people misinterpreting your position as a personal slight.

Some people take style issues very personally. Usually if someone is more of an optimizer or more of a role player than me, I don't read too much into it or get upset. But some people get offended by other styles of play. It is one thing to say "he is into optimizaation and that isn't what I am looking for" and another to say "he is one of those optimizer jerks who hog the fun for themselves". Too often I see people interpret playstyles the later way. So you just might be running into that.

 

[nedjer]

There was a topic about the stinky gamer around here earlier this summer or spring, I think.

This topic brings to mind an experience one of my friends had recently. His group finally kicked out a player who had been with them for about 20 years--just an all around troubled guy who often behaved disrespectfully and made female players and spouses very uncomfortable. His disrespect to the game's regular hosts (dropping things on tables all the time and gouging them, damaging stuff, making messes and not cleaning them, etc. and then not stopping any of this stuff after being asked to repeatedly) finally got them to kick him out of the game.

I think a lot of the maladjusted players have the same problems as "Nice Guys." No, not actually nice guys. But you know... Nice Guys.

20 years - that's remarkable tolerance. I'd have had him upside down in a wheelie bin first night

 

[Mallus]

Getting upset over incompatible gaming styles is silly. But, worrying if people are mad at you over style incompatibilities is understandable, no one likes hard feeling or potentially being badmouthed, but I have to think most gamers just take things like this in stride.

I think too much gets made of style incompatibility. Everyone I knows plays the game a little differently, or a lot differently, and every group has to navigate disagreements over direction and tone occasionally. I suspect there are a relatively few play styles which are truly incompatible, assuming no other areas of tension in the group. Successful groups compromise, they find a away to handle their player's various idiosyncrasies and/or play agendas.

(then again, I may be a closeted optimist)

Personally, even though I'm big on compromise and conciliatory stances, I'd play in a campaign whose style radically differed from my own, with little room for compromise, if it were well done ie, I wouldn't enjoy a unimaginative, straight-laced Tolkien knockoff, however, a really imaginative one.... different story.

 

[was]

Just be up front with the style/type of game that you run before they start with you. If they still want to play in your campaign then they need to adapt or hit the bricks.

 

[Oryan77]

Re: racists- I'm black...but I did game in a group with one player who was a racist. That was HIS problem (everyone else liked me).

I gotta ask, how did you know he was a racist? Did he ever say anything racist to you or was gaming with him the same as gaming with anyone else?

That just seems like an odd situation to be in (being a D&D game and all). And I'd imagine, very uncomfortable and awkward. I bet you guys could have had some good roleplaying banter going on.

 

[steeldragons]

After reading the title, I expected the opening post to just read "TOUGH!" or something along those lines.

Maybe someone just laced my Cheerios with snark this morning. hahaha.

ANYwho...

Getting upset over incompatible gaming styles is silly. But, worrying if people are mad at you over style incompatibilities is understandable, no one likes hard feeling or potentially being badmouthed, but I have to think most gamers just take things like this in stride.

I definitely agree with this but qould amend it to "...most mature gamers..."

There's no accounting for individual maturity...sadly.

I also think [MENTION=7441]olshanski[/MENTION] hit it on the head. The "playstyle" defense is most definitely a less antagonistic way of letting someone down (or specifically "out") more easily than really telling some one they are a "jerk" (in the myriad of ways people can be jerks)

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I think too much gets made of style incompatibility. Everyone I knows plays the game a little differently, or a lot differently, and every group has to navigate disagreements over direction and tone occasionally. I suspect there are a relatively few play styles which are truly incompatible, assuming no other areas of tension in the group. Successful groups compromise, they find a away to handle their player's various idiosyncrasies and/or play agendas.

Well said.

(then again, I may be a closeted optimist)

I'm an "out and proud" pessimist. I'm sorry. Thanks for coming but we just seem to have incompatible playstlyes.

In all seriousness, I have played with people with a variety of "playstyles."

It really is a matter group-by-group.

My groups, by and large, have all been with "friends." We would do things besides just game. Granted, gaming was the majority of our free time (back in HS and college days). But it wasn't all we did.

This made the fact that this one liked to play "nutty/insane/eccentric to the point of disruptive" characters and that one liked "power-gaming" (insofar as "powergaming" or "min-maxing"* was a thing before 3e) or someone was more "combat-interested" than "RP-interested" or vice versa...not really matter. It all meshed and by and large we all had a consistently good time.

Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do if people are offended or badmouthing you. That's their problem and lack of maturity shining through.

If someone is disruptive, or creeping out the people (male or female) or belligerent or any of the problems aforementioned, you are totally in the right to boot them. If it really is only someone's "playstyle" that doesn't work for you, then sure you can boot them. But by "you" I don't mean the DM, but the group.

If the person's playstyle really is a cause of disruption and impediment to the FUN of the group, then this is a totally justifiable reason to get rid of the person...regardless of other social "shortcomings".

*Apologies and no offense intended by these terms. I confess, I am still not entirely clear, myself, on what makes a "powergamer" versus a "min-maxer." But my sketchbook understanding is that these are playstyles that generally one either "is" or "is not" and they are somehow at odds, oftentimes, with how some other people like to play.

As always, have fun and happy playstyling.
--SD

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I gotta ask, how did you know he was a racist? Did he ever say anything racist to you or was gaming with him the same as gaming with anyone else?

Well, body language and seating arrangements told me he had a problem with me early on. Since I didn't recognize him, I figured that racism was the issue. Eventually, someone(s) else revealed to me he was, in fact, a racist. After about a year, he just stopped showing up. Like I said, they liked me better. "Living well," and all that.

I don't recall his racism having any effect on the game itself, though.

 

[Crazy Jerome]

Some people feel entitled. You have a game. They are a player. They have playstyle expectations. Ergo, you should meet them, doing whatever it takes. This makes perfect sense to them. If you don't give this player what they want, of course they will think poorly of you.

I've encountered that "logic" enough in every day life, all my life, to know that it is not uncommon. Nowhere near majority, but not uncommon. So with people like that, you really have no choice but to be disliked or let them walk all over you. I prefer to be disliked.

Fortunately, the rest, whether really meaning what they say about incompatible playstyles, or just trying to let you down easily over something else--won't go around holding a grudge, and no reason for you to worry about it, either.

 

[Oryan77]

Just be up front with the style/type of game that you run before they start with you. If they still want to play in your campaign then they need to adapt or hit the bricks.

The thing is, I always "interview" the person first. It's surprising how little most people want to know about the game/group. But as host/DM, I of course want to know as much as possible about the person. So I seem to be the one asking all the questions and pulling my hair out trying to get them to ask me questions.

Even if they do talk, they fail to mention their gaming habits that may need to be addressed, or they downplay it so I won't take issue. It's not until they join the game that one of us figures out it won't work.

 

[MoxieFu]

About ten years ago I was DM'ing a game with a mix of old friends and new. We discussed it at the very beginning and agreed on a story oriented game with a moderate amount of role playing. One of my old friends hadn't played D&D in many years and was very "old school" in style and attitude, what we called hackenslay.

A week or two later he brought two new players with him, no discussion before the game. One was also an old friend who had played D&D with us back in the day, and another was totally new to the game. Since the game was not held at my house they were instantly accepted into the group.

At that game they very deeply and persistently insulted on of my newer friends. He was playing a female character and they were quite offended by it and made it very clear. My newer friend was playing the character in a very gender-neutral way. He chose the character based on a miniature he had bought and painted. He was very proud of the job he had done painting the mini and just wanted others to see it. That was the entire reason why he chose to play a female and my old friends (and I almost put that word in quotes) just would not let it go. No one else at the table had any problem with it.

Needless to say that was my new friend's last game with that group. The campaign continued on the way it had started, story oriented with moderate amounts of RP. For the most part these two acted bored and disinterested but not terribly disruptive. The new guy seemed to be very interested and participated well, seeming to enjoy the game.

About 2 or three games later, after the game I was detained by the three of them. I was told in no uncertain terms they didn't like the style of the game. They wanted way more combat and could do without all this "talkey" stuff. The composition of the group had changed and my style was no longer appreciated.

Eventually I left the group. We had always had multiple DM's in the past so this was no problem. I am only in contact with one of the people in this group to this day, but I think this was the beginning of the end of some friendships. A few years ago I talked with my old friend who (along with the other old friend he brought with him) about that night he alienated my new friend and he was proud of what he had done. When I told him it had cost me a friend it didn't even seem to register in his mind. In the last year I have only spoken with him on a couple of occasions.

I don't think I can blame it all on gaming styles, but it played an important part of me losing a few friends and just a little of my faith in humanity.