Upset over incompatible gaming styles?

[Umbran]

If people have different gaming styles, then why would they get mad when they clash with another player as if it is the other persons fault?

Human beings are not Vulcans.

When you tell someone you don't want them at the table, whatever the reason, you're still telling them you don't want them. No matter that it seems rational to you, it probably still feels like personal rejection to them. They react accordingly. Pretty standard primate social behavior, really.

I'd be awfully surprised if you told us that you went through a modern school system without having this dynamic made abundantly clear to you. You've been rejected from time to time, right? Weren't you kinda cheesed off, or felt bad about yourself and turned that to feeling spiteful against them? Whether or not you ever acted on that, you know the feeling, no?

So, knowing that feeling, and knowing what just happened, you expect them to feel similarly. Thus, you expect them to be mad at you, you fear they'll talk behind your back.

 

[Oryan77]

When you tell someone you don't want them at the table, whatever the reason, you're still telling them you don't want them. No matter that it seems rational to you, it probably still feels like personal rejection to them.

We're talking about a game with very different approaches to playing it. I can understand feeling rejected and being disappointed by it. But to get upset with a guy cause he doesn't want to play it your way makes no sense to me.

If I was way into roleplaying, and I went into a game thinking I'd get to roleplay, and then I'm told that the group is more of a tactical wargaming group and they don't really want me to be roleplaying, I would be ok with that. I've had that happen and I continued to happily play without roleplaying. If I wasn't ok with it, I would leave and politely let it be known that it is not the game for me. I might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be upset with the DM.

It's like joining a neighborhood football game and finding out that it's touch football. I'm not going to think the organizers are annoying and storm off angry cause I thought I'd get to tackle guys and I don't. I'd either play or I'd politely bow out and go home.

 

[ExploderWizard]

If I was way into roleplaying, and I went into a game thinking I'd get to roleplay, and then I'm told that the group is more of a tactical wargaming group and they don't really want me to be roleplaying, I would be ok with that. I've had that happen and I continued to happily play without roleplaying. If I wasn't ok with it, I would leave and politely let it be known that it is not the game for me. I might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be upset with the DM.

The difference is in where the rejection is coming from. In your example, would you have felt differently about the tactical group if they found out you were a roleplaying enthusiast and made it known that you were no longer welcome at thier game? It didn't matter if you agreed to be a tactical combat master while playing with them, you like roleplaying so they just didn't like the cut of your jib.

There is a major difference between A- the individual excusing him/her self due to style differences and B-the group telling the individual " I'm sorry but you're just not right for our band INXS" and voting them out.

 

[Oryan77]

The difference is in where the rejection is coming from. In your example, would you have felt differently about the tactical group if they found out you were a roleplaying enthusiast and made it known that you were no longer welcome at thier game? It didn't matter if you agreed to be a tactical combat master while playing with them, you like roleplaying so they just didn't like the cut of your jib.

There is a major difference between A- the individual excusing him/her self due to style differences and B-the group telling the individual " I'm sorry but you're just not right for our band INXS" and voting them out.

But this is saying that "even if you are willing to change, we don't want you". And to answer your question, I would not be mad, I would probably feel a bit hurt because they flat out don't want to game with me even if I adjusted to their style.

But that is not what I meant as the point of this thread. That also would make me think that it is more of a personality conflict than a difference in gaming. Otherwise, if he can play by adjusting to the similar playstyle, than why would you ask him to leave?

Several of the people I encountered that seemed pretty mad at me when we parted ways would have been more than welcome to game with us if they were willing to fit in more with our style of play (they weren't willing to).

Again, there is nothing at all wrong with them not wanting to adjust. I just think it's weird to actually be mad at me over it.

 

[ExploderWizard]

But this is saying that "even if you are willing to change, we don't want you".

That is not what I meant as the point of this thread. That also would make me think that it is more of a personality conflict than a difference in gaming. Otherwise, if he can play by adjusting to the similar playstyle, than why would you ask him to leave?

Several of the people I encountered that seemed pretty mad at me when we parted ways would have been more than welcome to game with us if they were willing to fit in more with our style of play (they weren't willing to).

Again, there is nothing at all wrong with them not wanting to adjust. I just think it's weird to actually be mad at me over it.

Well if that is the case then either your group has a really strange playstyle or you have encounted several individuals that somehow grew up always getting whatever they wanted (thus not not really growing up )

 

[Oryan77]

Well if that is the case then either your group has a really strange playstyle or you have encounted several individuals that somehow grew up always getting whatever they wanted (thus not not really growing up )

It's nothing weird or unusual. Some of it has to do with me no longer wanting to deal with certain playstyles that are quite common (but "controversial"). So I can understand if they were bummed out (but to be mad?). Mainly it just involved the typical differences between players.

One player for sure seemed like the type that was used to getting his way. Another was just a weirdo, so it wasn't surprising. One was generally a nice guy but had a bit of a superiority complex. These are the only things I can come up with for why they reacted the way they did rather than simply being understanding as they bowed out.

 

[Umbran]

We're talking about a game with very different approaches to playing it. I can understand feeling rejected and being disappointed by it. But to get upset with a guy cause he doesn't want to play it your way makes no sense to me.

I will then repeat, because apparently I didn't get it across before - human beings are not Vulcans. Human beings are well-documented as usually making up their minds based upon their guts, not their heads, with logical justification following afterwards.

You seem to be operating under the assumption that the rationale for rejection is forefront in their minds. That's frequently not a valid assumption. Assume, instead, that the *fact* of rejection is foremost in their minds - that you're operating less in the realm of logical choices, and more in the realm of human social dynamics. They aren't upset over gaming styles. They're upset over being told they can't play in your clique!

Remember, also, that even if they are pretty reasonable folks, that doesn't mean they trust, believe, or agree with your stated reason for rejection. If they don't agree with you, your rationale looks like a sham or excuse, offered to deflect conflict, and that your real reason is more personal.

Basically, figure that, underneath it all, we are all still 12, have fragile egos, and that social dynamics and hierarchy are akin to that in junior high school, and you'll understand it better.

 

[Janx]

Well what do ya know, I guess I did use the word "feel". Maybe if I had said "It always seems...." then I wouldn't have been accused of being emotional and have my manhood challenged.


Let me guess, you learned that in your Psychology class and now you think you know me?

The guy did say he was armchair psychologizing you. Meaning he knows he doesn't have enough real info to make a real diagnosis.

And there ARE real people who think there's "more going on" than initial facts.

I've got a friend, who if he doesn't hear from you in a few weeks (like you don't return his calls), instantly assumes he's done something wrong, and gets all apologetic and worried that he's lost a friend.

So yeah, it's not impossible that you are feeling that there's more to the situation than there really is.

Hence, a fair question.

Doesn't mean you are wrong or crazy. But all avenues are explored in internet conversations.

 

[Janx]

But this is saying that "even if you are willing to change, we don't want you". And to answer your question, I would not be mad, I would probably feel a bit hurt because they flat out don't want to game with me even if I adjusted to their style.

Again, there is nothing at all wrong with them not wanting to adjust. I just think it's weird to actually be mad at me over it.

Note: I am talking the example "you", not the literal you. Put yourself in the You position, but don't assume that I mean you personally.

If I tell you pre-game that my group is combat heavy, and you keep trying to roleplay, then you did in fact refuse to change.

If you show up without knowing my group's playstyle (because I didn't explain it) and get all heavy on your way without first feeling out how the group does things, you have failed to adapt to the group.

it ain't rocket science for the racist to keep his damn mouth shut until he figures out how many other people in the club also like to dress up in bedsheets. Replace Racist with whatever flavor of the month kind of person you want.

Point is, style difference related dismissals occur because somebody refused to adapt their style to what the majority expects.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I will then repeat, because apparently I didn't get it across before - human beings are not Vulcans. Human beings are well-documented as usually making up their minds based upon their guts, not their heads, with logical justification following afterwards.

You seem to be operating under the assumption that the rationale for rejection is forefront in their minds. That's frequently not a valid assumption. Assume, instead, that the *fact* of rejection is foremost in their minds - that you're operating less in the realm of logical choices, and more in the realm of human social dynamics. They aren't upset over gaming styles. They're upset over being told they can't play in your clique!

Remember, also, that even if they are pretty reasonable folks, that doesn't mean they trust, believe, or agree with your stated reason for rejection. If they don't agree with you, your rationale looks like a sham or excuse, offered to deflect conflict, and that your real reason is more personal.

Basically, figure that, underneath it all, we are all still 12, have fragile egos, and that social dynamics and hierarchy are akin to that in junior high school, and you'll understand it better.

Most logical, Umbran.