Bah, that's nothing. Here's a review of final fantasy the movie from the something awful message board by Goodn:
Final Fantasy comes out July 11th. Today I got a chance to see a sneak preview. I am sad to say I hated it. What's the longest movie you've ever seen? Ten Commandments? Schindler's List? Gone with the Wind?
Well, in terms of Length, Final Fantasy has them all beat. You remember the CGI previews of the movie? guess what, that was just the in-movie FMV. Yes, the real movie is about 176 hours long. I was a little intrigued by the thought of it at first, but a little after they escaped from the first castle, I was beginning to get a little agitated.
Final Fantasy the movie is actually a video game. They only made one of this game, and for the movie they just had someone play through it. The graphics in the CGI were awesome, but outside of it, something that did NOT belong in a movie theater. It was an interesting concept, but speech only appeared in the FMV cutscenes, much like FFX. Many of the little kids who had come started crying because they couldn't read. I cried because whoever was playing the
ing thing put the lowest text speed up possible.
Man, I
ing hate whoever they hired to play the movie for them, because he totally sucked. He was one of those players who absolutely HAD to find everything there was, and get everything, and level up like a freak before battling. To make things worse, the game had a very complicated skills systtem that you could fiddle around with for hours. This one boss, Razukan, kept beating him, anbd every time he would spend about 15 minutes customizing his characters to try again. This wasn't the worst part by far though.
Near the beginning of the movie, the guy leveled up from 15th to 30th level, and went into the next town. The goddamn moron hadn't bothered to save or use a tent to recover health, and an unexpected boss, wiped his party out with his first attack(the characters were all at like 100 hit points left, that's why he went to the town). The guy went on to level up AGAIN and re-fight the boss. That took a good 10 hours of the movie right there.
The battle system was similar to FF8's, so this guy summoned and summoned and summoned without end. each summon was very intracate, but took about 4 minutes. The first time I thought it was awesome, but it kept subsequently getting more anoying. I tried to leave the theater but some huge black guy wearing a Final Fantasy the movie muscle tee said he would kick my ass if I didn't watch the whole thing.
Besides the annoyances I've already mentioned, the guy playing the movie found it necesarry to talk to EVERY PERSON IN THE GAME. Every single person! Not only that, he played Card games against them all, and when he constantly lost, he'd keep playing over and over again so he could get his cards back. Sometimes I'd black out, and when I woke up, my watch said hours had passed, but the movie was still in almost the same spot with no plot progression.
I was about to slit my wrists with my driver's license, but they suddenly had a nude scene. That kept me awake for a while, because the movie kept resetting and reloading their save to watch it over and over again. It was a pretty good nude scene too. Make sure to set your alarms for hours 99 and 100. Paul Reubens was escorted out for masturbating.
I really hated hour 112 though, it was PS2 commercial basically. The people needed power to build an alien destructo beam, because they didn't believe in the spirits, so they ordered a lot of PS2's off of E-bay and built nuclear missile launches with the processors. The missiles failed to kill the aliens, but destroyed most of Africa. the PS2 processor chips were unharmed by the explosion. Which I thought was kind of cheap. Dr. Cid later confirmed that it would have killed the aliens, but the aliens had become too strong because they had drunken their Pepsi products such as Pepsi, Pepsi One, and Mountain Dew.
The final boss fight took 3 hours in itself, and this was just the time that the guy won. He had had 4 previous 2 hour attempts. I liked the ending FMV, because I knew it was finally over. However, as the credits finished rolling by, a familiar face flashed across the screen. It was the hero guy from FFX! He was talking to the heroine of the movie saying what a great job she had done. He went on to say something to the effect of, "You remind me of you at your age. Let me tell you the time I saved the world..." and it showed the opening FMV scene to FF8. TGHE WHOLE
ING MOVIE WAS AN FFX comercial! I became very upset at this point and started swearing and shouting and crying and laughing all at the same time. Then the huge black guy stuck a knife in my belly and raped me in the ass.
Overall, 1 star out of 5. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. EVER. AND I MEAN EVER. I would have given it Zero stars, but being sodomized at the end was a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be.
