D&D General What do you say when someone is thinking of quitting your game?

[touc]

I just got a private message from a friend and gamer at my table that he's stepping away from our D&D/RPGs. It makes me sad to hear. I've been DMing for a long time, and I've seen it happen. I've burned out for periods of time. I'd like to think I run great games, but I also realize not everyone can or will play D&D for decades. But I want to say something to him to (1) find out if I'm part of the problem, (2) see if he just needs a break (or is there more going on), and (3) keep friends no matter what.

Background: in 2019 I moved states and randomly met some folks of similar age for a D&D game, maybe to start a group. Only one had ever played D&D before, and only a little. We all clicked and have been routinely meeting about 3 Sundays a month at my house. Fast forward nearly 6 years. We've just finished an 18-month campaign and are starting a new one. Out of the blue after our first campaign session (I had no clue he was unhappy with it all), I get a message (shortened for content):

There’s no easy way to write this but I need to step away from the table and dnd. It's been building for a while and taken me a long time to come to terms with but I'm not having fun anymore. The game just doesn’t hold my attention like it used to and that’s on me. Obviously there’s a lot I could share regarding how I came to this decision, and I’m happy to do so at some point. To be clear, nothing but the best of thoughts for you all. I’m gonna miss hanging out and playing with everybody so much but this is a change I need to make....Thanks so much for the years of fun. All that said, I don’t know how best to do this. I’m happy to play another session (or a couple) and share all this firsthand but wanted you have final say on how best for me to say goodbye to the group.

 

[Doc_Klueless]

Wish him the best and let him know there is always a chair for him at your table.

For many people, hobbies have an expiration date after which they stop being fun and start being work.

 

[Misanthrope Prime]

"Fool! I'd like to see you quit my MIND MAZE! Muahahahah!"

Of course then you need the ability to actually trap him in a psionic maze. So work on that first.

In all seriousness, for me D&D is just as much about hanging out with your friends as it is playing. Maybe he can still come over while you guys play and snack, drink and hang out; maybe not every week, but there's no reason he's banned from your social gatherings just because he doesn't wanna play anymore.

 

[Scribe]

I mean thats a great run, thats a long time to be doing anything and it doesnt seem like its due to any personal issues or animosity within the group.

So wish them the best, leave the door open if you like for a return, and yeah "Its been a blast."

 

[Stormonu]

As much as I love D&D, there have been times I had to step away for one reason or another. So far, I feel I've been lucky enough I come back around to some form of RPG, if not directly D&D.

From the note above, it doesn't sound like it's anyone in particular being the cause, just general burn-out. As others have said, wish them well and let them know they're always welcome to come back if things change.

P.S.: Personally, I wouldn't ever push anyone to ask if I was the cause. If they don't state that openly to begin with, pushing on it is only likely to worsen any feelings on both sides. Take the individual on their word, and move on as best you can.

 

[TheSword]

it is a Huuuuuuge commitment to game 3/4 sundays that can affect relationships, other hobbies, life balance etc. I really wouldn’t take it personally. I’m amazed you’ve managed to sustain for so long, you must be a great DM to keep that level of interest.

What a lovely message too! If someone has to step away what a nice way to do it. I’d take that as a win.

 

[AlViking]

As the others said, wish them luck and let them know that they're always welcome back. Maybe organize a random game day now and then if they might be interested. People leaving the game happens.

 

[Distracted DM]

"It sucks, but you gotta do you! You're always welcome back of course!" Priorities change. It's like any other circumstance where a friend is gonna be spending less time with you... but yeah, if the main mode of hanging out is DnD, well that's gonna mean goodbye.

I guess one thing you can try to drill down on is "is it DnD that you've lost interest in, or do you want to still hang out and do other stuff?" We see by the message you've shared that it seems to be DnD specifically, perhaps all TTRPGs.
If you want to maintain the friendship, you could have the occasional board game night, or whatever else the group might be interested in.

 

[GrimCo]

Over last 16 years of playing with this group, almost every one of us had period when he stopped playing for some time. Be it plain burnout or just other life obligations. It happens. From the message, it seems that player still enjoys social aspect of hanging out, just not playing game. Personally, i would cut one session per month and instead of playing, just invite whole group and hang out.

Now, if you are good friends (and 6 years is enough to develop solid friendship), i would invite said player to drink/coffee and ask him directly what is it about game that doesn't make it fun any more. Maybe it's system, maybe it's setting, maybe it's something else entirely. Not pushing, but just genuine reasoning behind decision. Then tell him that he is always welcome back if he chooses and that we can still hang out without gaming.

Last year, i had to call it quits on another group. I just couldn't find time and commit to gaming regularly more than once a month (they play weekdays after work every week). Recently, i saw message from DM of that group that he is taking break from gaming due to life circumstances.

 

[not-so-newguy]

Even if this person is a close friend, I'd resist asking for a reason. Chances are that they're not even certain of the reason. There are probably several factors, most of which have nothing to do with the quality of your game. Perhaps nothing to do with your game.
I'd advise waiting 2-3months, unless they bring the subject up first.