When your significant other resents gaming

[Lord Ben]

My wife complains when she doesn't have anything to do that particular Saturday night, and if I'm not planning on gaming she'll say "Are you playing Saturday, I was going to have my sister over to watch movies".

Any pasttime is a cause for complaint in any marriage, D&D isn't any different then if I'd be washing the car, constantly in the garage working on cars, or golfing. And without hobbies it wouldn't be much fun.

She has no interest in gaming, but she watches Charmed a lot and is beginning to understand the fantasy aspect a bit more.

The group I play with are made up of friends, cousins, and brothers I've known for years, it helps her to know that the friends is what keeps me playing rather then the hobby itself.

I have kid #2 coming and I worry I won't have as much time for my hobbies anymore. I play every sunday (while my wife watches football) and about 1 saturday a month. Not bad I think, but I might have to cut back as my kid's get older.

 

[BlackMoria]

Teach your kid to play.

My two sons love the game and play with the old man whenever they can. My daughter played a bit, but it was no really her thing, which I fully understand.

 

[seasong]

Balancing Roleplaying & Significant Others

Almost all "roleplaying issues" are actually other kinds of issues which use the roleplaying as an excuse to come out into the open.

Time Spent Apart: Assuming your SO does not game, time spent gaming is time spent apart from your SO. Different couples will have a different ideal amount of time to spend together, but rest assured that if your SO is not getting sufficient time at other times, roleplaying will get blamed. Sure, you spend more hours at work, but work is seen as a necessary evil, while roleplaying is "optional" time (it's not, for me, of course ). What I'm saying: As long as your SO gets sufficient time elsewhere, there isn't a problem here.

Sacred Mysteries: If your SO is not a gamer, time spent roleplaying is time spent in a secret garden, where you participate in the esoteric mysteries and the SO is not really welcome. Any member of a masonic lodge, password-entrance club, Christian men's group (or women's group), Wiccan circle or similar deals with similar issues. With roleplaying, fortunately, it's not really a sacred mystery. Let the SO tag along... and see just how mundane it is. Remove the veil of secrecy. You may lose some mysterious respect, but you may gain a gamer, or at least a less displeased SO.

Control: Some folks like to know that they are in control of their environment. If they feel like they are not in control, they begin trying to control other things... like your time. I can't give any real solutions here except to point out that this problem has nothing to do with roleplaying, and more to do with a discussion of who controls when the roleplaying is allowed to happen.

Assurance: Your SO needs to know that they are of sufficiently high priority in your life. That's why they are called a Significant Other. This doesn't mean making huge sacrifices - it means letting the SO know that those huge sacrifices would be made if they were needed! Assuming that your SO is a reasonable human being (we can assume this more often than we think), just knowing that the option is there is sufficient.

Ambition: Your SO may feel that you are wasting your time with roleplaying, when you could be pursuing more lofty, ambitious goals like becoming a millionaire CEO by age 30. It is important to understand that it is not roleplaying which is the waste of time - it is anything which is not a pursuit the SO thinks is worthy of you. I've noticed that teachers and counselors in High School tend to have this mentality, also. The only solution that I've found is to gently tell these people that roleplaying is fun, and that fun is a worthy goal, too - every waking moment need not be devoted to their ambition.

Bad Experiences: Very often, an SO has had a previous boyfriend or girlfriend who had one of the other issues in a strong way (such as not giving the SO enough time, and refusing to do so), and now associates it with roleplaying and roleplayers. This is a prejudice - because one member of your "class" or "type" behaved a certain way, your SO expects that you will, also. If your SO is worth it, this can be overcome with discussion, time and lots of patient, good behavior. But it's a pain in the ass to have someone mistrust you because of someone else's actions .

Anyway, this is not a complete list, but I think it hits some high points.

 

[kingpaul]

We've read posts about getting your signicant other to start gaming, now here's something to throw out to the masses for opinions (non-flaming) on the reverse situation. How do you handle it when your significant other (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner) truly despises gaming and hates you when you choose to play? Is there a common tactic they use to make you feel guilty or bad about playing? Are you able to address the situation with them without it ending up in a full-blown argument? Just curious...

One of the groups I game in, there are 6 guys. Four of us are married, and our wives will typically participate in "Gaming Widows Night", and go out and do something while the guys stay in and kill things.

 

[Orco42]

I guess I am just really lucky with gamer girls.

I have only had two girl friends and both had wanted to play but never had anyone to game with until they meet me.

In fact my current girl starting playing within a few weeks and after about 2 years started DMing.

Now my only problem is that she is a better DM than I am!

 

[Psion]

We've read posts about getting your signicant other to start gaming, now here's something to throw out to the masses for opinions (non-flaming) on the reverse situation. How do you handle it when your significant other (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner) truly despises gaming and hates you when you choose to play? Is there a common tactic they use to make you feel guilty or bad about playing? Are you able to address the situation with them without it ending up in a full-blown argument? Just curious...

As others have said, it really depends on what the REAL issue is. Seasong has said a mouthful on that score, so I won't go that deep into it. But the most basic possible issues are:

- spending time with her / giving her enough attention
- control / fear
- bias against gaming

So the first thing to really do is why she resents gaming.

Is time together a concern? How much time do you spend gaming? Gaming can be a very obsessive hobby, and if you do spend a lot of time gaming or working on gaming, perhaps you should consider the fact that she might have a point.

Does she have religious reasons or cultural convictions against gaming? If religious, make sure she really understands where her religion REALLY stands, and not just make some assumptions based on what she overheard somewhere.

For example, my wife assumed for a long time that our Church had something against gaming and we were doing it on the sly (not that she ever had a problem with me playing even when she thought that -- she was always content to let me be me.) When she started to become involved with online communities, she found out that our Church (LDS, if you care) have never taken a stance against gaming.

If she is buying into the media and cultural tales of geekiness and fringe activities allegedly associated with RPGs, reassure her, show her the strengths of RPGs, and get her to understand. The case of how "childish" some women see RPGs as being is similar -- show her how it can be an intellectually stimulating passtime not unlike theater, and is head-and-shoulders above the maturity of slugging down cold ones at the local sports bar while whooping at the latest ball game.

It's really a very personal issue -- how to approach it depends on the state of your relationship and the truth of what is really bugging her.

One caution though. I've heard a few tales of people whose wives have forced their husbands to quit gaming. That, too, is a personal call about values. But consider this: if you have a g/f who is continually trying to remodel and reshape you, where does it stop? If that is the case, you might do well to part ways and find a woman who can love you, and not just love her vision of you. That's a tough call to make when you are a young man with no other avenues to turn to, but in some cases it's the correct life choice when you drink in issues much bigger than gaming.

 

[Uller]

Re: Re: When your significant other resents gaming

That kindof depends on why they despise it. Personally, I generally despise such prejudice in the first place.

My belief in this, and knowledge of the faith people have in other beliefs has left more than one Christian with a more tolerant perspective. Of course, we were already pretty close friends (despite my leaving Christianity), and it sortof forced them to realize that it made sense.

Kind of ironic how you bring up prejudices when the original poster never mentioned Christianity/faith as being a reason for his significant other despising gaming...

Anyway...my wife is jealous of my hobbies. She admits it. She has no hobbies and doesn't get out enough. I offer to watch the kids whenever she wants (even at a moments notice) and encourage her to get involved in something...anything! She's slowly getting better...I think as our children get older, she'll feel freer to take up more interests outside our familly.

She is also jealous because it takes time away from her or the kids. There is only one way to address this: be reasonable (on BOTH sides). I limit my gaming to once every other week, plus a few nights of prep time. She accepts that as a fair compromise.

 

[Desdichado]

Re: Re: When your significant other resents gaming

One caution though. I've heard a few tales of people whose wives have forced their husbands to quit gaming. That, too, is a personal call about values. But consider this: if you have a g/f who is continually trying to remodel and reshape you, where does it stop? If that is the case, you might do well to part ways and find a woman who can love you, and not just love her vision of you. That's a tough call to make when you are a young man with no other avenues to turn to, but in some cases it's the correct life choice when you drink in issues much bigger than gaming.

Even that is something you should look at carefully. Occasionally I'll make the mistake of accusing my wife of this, when in reality I'm merely showing too much inertia to change my bad habits when she points them out to me.

And, in point of fact, she's never tried to force me to change, she's merely rather gently advised me to! It's often hard to accept this kind of thing with good graces, though, I'm sad to say. The fact that she is someone who constantly thinks about how she can be a better person, how we can be a better couple, and how we can be better parents, and the fact that she has a vision of who I could be, are actually good things as long as I'm not too proud to actually listen to her.

And it helps that she doesn't really complain about gaming unless I've really been spending too much time or money on it.

 

[Psion]

Re: Re: Re: When your significant other resents gaming

Even that is something you should look at carefully. Occasionally I'll make the mistake of accusing my wife of this, when in reality I'm merely showing too much inertia to change my bad habits when she points them out to me.

And, in point of fact, she's never tried to force me to change, she's merely rather gently advised me to! It's often hard to accept this kind of thing with good graces, though, I'm sad to say.

Right, but that's not the sort of thing I am talking about. It certainly is possible to become too obsessive about gaming (and I think I was that way not too long ago) and neglect your other responsibilities.

What I am talking about is the "remodeller" type of SO personality model who is out to remake their SO and remove any little trait that might not fit their image of what their SO "should" be, but which really has little or nothing to do with being responsible.

As an example, I was quite lighthearted in my youth. While I was joking around with my g/f of the day, she said "Don't joke around that's not you." I considered the statement for a moment and said "actually no, it pretty much is me." Redefining my personality to fit some image she had of what I "should" be was not something I was willing to put up with. In the end, such efforts are usually doomed to failure, because there are some personality traits that you can't and shouldn't change about a person, and that in essence don't NEED to be change.

 

[JacktheRabbit]

Re: Re: Re: Re: When your significant other resents gaming

Here here.

It seems to go back to that old idea that men marry a woman for who they are while a woman marries a man for who they think he can be.

Does it boil anyone elses blood here when you here wives joke back and forth about how well "trained" their husbands are? There really isnt much of a difference.

As an example, I was quite lighthearted in my youth. While I was joking around with my g/f of the day, she said "Don't joke around that's not you." I considered the statement for a moment and said "actually no, it pretty much is me." Redefining my personality to fit some image she had of what I "should" be was not something I was willing to put up with. In the end, such efforts are usually doomed to failure, because there are some personality traits that you can't and shouldn't change about a person, and that in essence don't NEED to be change.