There's really a lot here, and I'm trying to think of how to address it.
There's a famous saying, "If you sit down at a poker table, and you don't know who the mark is, you're the mark."
(Sometimes generalized to, "If you can't spot the sucker, it's you.")
It's also used in competitive classes (see, e.g., law school)- "If you don't know who the gunner is, you're the gunner."*
I think that these phrases, and common variations of them, go to the issue of self-awareness. We are all the protagonists in our own stories, aren't we?
No one thinks that they are a bad rules lawyer- no. We are the good rules guru! We are the individual who the DM ... relies on. Who really knows the rules. Who helpfully points out when there is a rules issue, and only ... reluctantly ... engages in a lengthy disruptive conversation when "the ruling is unfair and hurting the fun at the table."
It's not being a rules lawyer ... IT'S ALTRUISM!
Really, it's shocking that anyone could possibly have a bad opinion of people that just know the rules, and stand up the tyranny of BAD DMs with their LACK OF RULES KNOWLEDGE.
And, of course, how do you know the DM is bad? Because only a bad DM "will take it personally."
Again, not to single you out, because several people have made this argument (and few as eloquently as you have) and I am sure you are quite delightful at the table! But it's like everything else. There are, in fact, bad DMs out there- but they wouldn't say that, they would just that they need to be forceful because of REASONS.
Just like no one would say that they are the bad rules lawyer. Every ... single ... time ... they would believe that they have been justified. But, IMO, no amount of rules lawyering saves you from a bad DM.
None.
We all have to do what we have to do, but anyone who thinks that their rules lawyering is met with acclaim and the hosannas of a grateful public might want to ask why they have been the subject of such vitriol for over 40 years.
I mean, maybe there is an exception- the altruistic, helpful, rules guru that everyone loves having at their table. Much like the person who went home to roll up their Paladin and got the 17 in Charisma and the 18/00 strength, I am sure it happened, somehow, maybe.
*A gunner is a person who tries to answer every question, show off their knowledge, etc.