Worst Boxed Text EVER.

[ThirdWizard]

My person favorite part is the way in which they prioritize the information.

I always find that funny. I've actually started describing the most obvious thing first. It takes practice, but its realistic. Once the party walked through a portal and was met by a Hill Giant. It took them a second to figure out that they were floating on a rock in the Plane of Air. Personally, I think that's a realistic description.

 

[hafrogman]

I always find that funny. I've actually started describing the most obvious thing first. It takes practice, but its realistic. Once the party walked through a portal and was met by a Hill Giant. It took them a second to figure out that they were floating on a rock in the Plane of Air. Personally, I think that's a realistic description.

I agree it comes across much better that way. It just seems silly when they start criticizing the decor before they mention the huge freakin' monster.

 

[Wystan]

As the characters enter the chamber read the following text aloud:

The floor of this 15 foot by 32.5 foot hexagonal room is strewn with broken weapons and bones and small rodents; if you look close you would even notice some small insects that make their home in the small piles of rodent dung strewn about the room. The walls are a uniform grey color with wierd blotches of indigo appearing at unusual locations. As you look at the walls your eyes are drawn to the ceiling, it is tiled with what appear to be human teeth, there are quite a few that appear to have gold crowns and even a few that have cavities. You notice a few that appear to be loose and there are a few spaces that have no teeth at all. Whilst staring at the ceiling you notice the font in the center of the room. It appears to be solid gold and has a liquid stream in it that appears to be liquid platinum. The clean area of the floor holds a small bistro table and 12 chairs, sitting in the chairs are human and halfling skeletons that appear to be held together with pins and all have porcelain cups in their hands that appear to be wired there. The Ogre attacks, roll for initiative.

 

[eris404]

Was that Keep on the Borderlands? Or are you referring to some other beautiful-maiden-in-a-cell-who's-actually-a-medusa?

LOL! Well, I wasn't quoting exactly the botched box text -that scene was just the first that came to my mind. I think it may be in Keep on Borderlands, though.

 

[shadow]

Most of the boxed text from the 3.5e monster manuals is pretty bad IMHO.

 

[ColonelHardisson]

How about this kind of nonsense -

As you finish giving the mighty wizard his foot massage, he kicks you away sneeringly. "Fools! I have a task for you!" [Cut a column or two of expository monologue explaining a ton of backstory your characters really don't need to know, much of it involving how tough the wizard is or ancient history that contains surprisingly little useful information for the task at hand.] "You need but speak your desire, O Great One, and we will instantly do your bidding!" you all shout in unison, those of you not already bowing automatically genuflecting. "Good, good," the wizard smiles. "Simply gain access into the Mighty Fortress of Horrible Circumstances and retrieve the Upper Mandible of Bluk the Nearly-Dead. This is of the utmost importance and the very fate of the kingdom depends on your success. Return within a fortnight and you will be richly rewarded with the princely sum of 100 gold pieces, and, as generous a monarch as I am, I will allow you to keep all treasure recovered but for a mere 50% recovery tax. Now, begone!" A lowly seneschal guides you away to an armory and supply room, where you may outfit your characters as you see fit, as long as you can afford to buy it. All equipment is at standard cost. Horses are freely available, except for a 200 gp deposit per animal, 50 gp of which will go to wear and tear on your tack and harness.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Was that Keep on the Borderlands? Or are you referring to some other beautiful-maiden-in-a-cell-who's-actually-a-medusa?

This covers 50% of all maidens-in-cells. The other 50% are succubi.

As you unlock and open the door to the windowless 5x5 cell, a beautiful maiden begins crying in relief. "Thank you my heroes for rescuing me!" she says as you remove the shackles binding her to the wall. The succubus then bestows a kiss on the leader of the party.

 

[ThirdWizard]

I'll try my hand.

The baron takes you on a tour of the gardens surrounding the castle. While walking amidst the hedges and fountains, you meet a tall man with a goatee. "Hail, strangers," he says as you approach, "My name is Victor von Borough." (He is secretly a werewolf, see page XX of the Monster Manual). The baron nods and takes his leave as the werewolf leads you to the large illusionary fountain that hides the trap door to his secret cave complex. "What brings you here?" the man asks.

 

[Simplicity]

Ack! I forgot about that thread. My name was invoked, so I guess I have to give it a go now as well...

This room contains 4 doors and a wall. In the middle, the floor sits empty, like your backpack.

 

[Simplicity]

I love exclamation marks!

Personally, this always got to me. Somehow, when I'm reading boxed text to my players, it bores ME to tears. The exclamation marks just emphasize how boring I must be to be reading boxed text out loud rather than just saying what the heck was going on.