Ashamed of being a Gamer?

[Loonook]

Obviously, they hide it in their porn- no wife would look there for game books!

Minis & dice get nested in foam-cushioned VCR tapes with "Hot Cheerleaders from Cleveland" jackets on them. Game books get sleeved in covers from "Playboy" or "Forum", depending on size.

In theory.

Having grown up there, I can tell you there are no Hot Cheerleaders in or near Cleveland... :'(.

Now, on this topic of unhealthy relationships and gaming: Really? I have to enjoy everything my Significant Other does and find everything interesting that they talk about? No... Not so much. I've dated gamers, I've dated non-gamers, been in long-term relationships with people who are vehemently opposed and will mock my 'nerdy' hobbies... However, I also mock the silly things they do (collections, random quirks, etc.).

Presenting a unified front is boring, and being completely associated with someone in such a manner that your entire like and dislike lists match just takes the savor out of everything. I use roleplaying and CCGs as my 'home away from home', better than my previous habits of drinking to not feel feelings or the habits that led me into some of those relationships in the first place .

My SO could care less about what I do as long as it isn't causing a negative effect to the household. She doesn't play guitar, she plays very different video games, we split the difference on some board games and a new interest in CCGs from her side. I can go out and practice, play some D&D, run a game, and as long as I'm not cutting into the 'couple time' we're good to go.


Slainte,

-Loonook.

 

[Zelda Themelin]

Yes it is healthy. "Desperate Housewifes" healthy.

More seriously, definations for good relationship vary. I prefer open ones. And since it's so much as 2 guys in group, it probably is society thing, and probably would not stay just between spouses. Hiding single harmlesss hobby that they apperently aren't so strongly invested. Only GM is.

This is certainly weird for me, but it more likely reputation of roleplaying games have local "sickness" rather than relationships. Perhaps both, both don't know the people in questing, so judging them based on this information is plain wrong.

Anyhow hiding stuff from spouses is quite typical. Or rather not sharing everything about hobbies and intrests, it's called "growing apart", so do it so much they eventually get seperated, others are happy they can both hold some stuff only to themselves. It's often more draining to do everything together as family. Except job maybe, in worse cases even that. Most people I've known would find that very tiresome. Balance between your own time, and family time works for both people. And if spouses are happy with their "poker" and poker times.

 

[Cor Azer]

Now, on this topic of unhealthy relationships and gaming: Really? I have to enjoy everything my Significant Other does and find everything interesting that they talk about? No... Not so much. I've dated gamers, I've dated non-gamers, been in long-term relationships with people who are vehemently opposed and will mock my 'nerdy' hobbies... However, I also mock the silly things they do (collections, random quirks, etc.).

I don't think anyone is saying a SO must find your hobbies interesting, but you shouldn't have to lie about their existence. This isn't just not bringing it up like with co-workers; this is actively lying about doing something different.

It's not to say there aren't good things in the relationship, but there are definite cracks in the foundation; what'll happen when it comes out (because it will).

 

[Lwaxy]

I have to enjoy everything my Significant Other does and find everything interesting that they talk about?

No one claimed that. But there is a world of difference between losing respect for someone because they hate the hobby or just not caring about it. To me, even mocking someone over their hobbies or music they like etc is close enough to being disrespected that I would avoid such toxic contacts. It just brings you down to have to deal with such crap and life is too short for that.

In a world where people are afraid to admit their interests even to their spouses, it is no wonder RPGs and some other hobbies are frowned at.

 

[Umbran]

So, I'm curious about the rest of you. Do you advertise you're a gamer? Talk about it the way you would a football game to strangers?

Or, do you hide the fact that you game and hope that no one finds out that you do play?

I don't typically talk about football with strangers. I have passtimes other than gaming, I don't frequently bring them up with people I don't know. Some of us are just private people, and don't discuss our personal lives with strangers, in general.

Much more importantly, outside of some very specific contexts, gaming is a *lousy* choice for a smalltalk topic with strangers. Gaming's a niche hobby, and usually the person you're talking to will know nothing about it - you've picked a topic of conversation that the other cannot participate in. That's kinda boorish.

So, failing to bring up gaming is not necessarily about shame or embarrassment - it is about actually choosing a decent topic for conversation with someone you don't know.

 

[Umbran]

A marriage built on lies is not healthy.

You pass judgement too quickly, with too little information. How about you leave some room for the possibility that the guy on the scene knows how to manage things better than you do, when you've heard a few mere sentences about a years-long relationship?

As described, the marriage is not "built on lies". The marriage includes some lies. There's a difference. While it isn't a great thing that he feels he has to hide a harmless leisure activity from his wife, it can be okay for partners to have some privacy.

Remember that radical honesty doesn't work either. Humans typically require some management of information in order to get along well. He may draw the line somewhere you or I might not. But then, he isn't us, and his relationship isn't ours. It is not wise for us to judge on such tiny amounts of information.

 

[Piratecat]

Remember that radical honesty doesn't work either.

By the way, that sweater looks great on you.

 

[Aeolius]

What a strange turn this thread has taken.

By contrast, if I told my wife I was going to a poker game or to watch football at someone's house, she would call a doctor or perhaps SETI. I do not have a circle of friends that I hang out with, nor do I have the slightest interest in sports.

She isn't a gamer, but she respects (okay,make that "tolerates") my hobbies and interests. She goes to photography gatherings and classes, I play D&D and keep saltwater aquariums. When we aren't doing that, we have seven kids and a hobby farm to tend to.

Yeah, we don't do "girls nights out" or "boys nights out" and we get to go on a date without the kids about once a year at the most, but it works.

Now you want to talk about strange, we went to Panera Bread a few weeks back. The cashier had a TARDIS drawn on her name tag. She was taken aback when my 8-year olds, one of my 10-year olds, and my 13-year old started talking about Doctor Who. When I started discussing Jon Pertwee, she was flabbergasted.

 

[Thotas]

I'm one of those who isn't a promoter, but I don't need to be because I'm also one of those who you can't know very well at all without knowing about that. I've loved comics since being a kid, and people tried to discourage it, but instead I carry them around with me to this day and don't care what anyone else thinks of it. Same with my science fiction novels, and gaming books. If people don't say anything, I assume they aren't interested, and that's cool. If people start asking questions out of curiosity or show interest because they're into it too, we have the conversation, and that's cool. And the rare ones who want to slam on something they don't understand I sneer and laugh at, because they suck and I'm cool.

 

[JamesonCourage]

So you can't honestly say she loves you.

I am very, very close with three different women. I definitely love these women, and I think some of the habits of them are unhealthy or destructive. One often lies to me about her activities (she's terrible at hiding it... Facebook, etc.), but only because she does not wish to disappoint me. It's been that way since we've known each other.

I can reject her habits without rejecting her. I very much accept and support her. I can be disappointed when she tells me things I find unhealthy or self-destructive, or when I find out about them, but that doesn't in any way mean my love for her wanes.

In my view, the same can easily apply to the wife of Water Bob's friend. She might be disappointed, because she finds the hobby unhealthy for a 46 year old man and father of two, and that disappointment might best be sidestepped, rather than dealt with.

A "healthy" relationship can definitely include deception. It often does. Many valued parts of society favor this sort of "healthy deception", including tact, pleasantries, feigning interest, etc.

I'm no moderator, but can we please not say that someone's significant other doesn't love them based on one thing? That seems wildly inappropriate and incredibly simplistic compared to the complexity that is Love.

You pass judgement too quickly, with too little information. How about you leave some room for the possibility that the guy on the scene to know how to manage things better than you do, when you've heard a few mere sentences about a years-long relationship?

As described, the marriage is not "built on lies". The marriage includes some lies. There's a difference. While it isn't a great thing that he feels he has to hide a harmless leisure activity from his wife, it can be okay for partners to have some privacy.

Remember that radical honesty doesn't work either. Humans typically require some management of information in order to get along well. He may draw the line somewhere you or I might not. But then, he isn't us, and his relationship isn't ours. It is not wise for us to judge on such tiny amounts of information.

Right on.