D&D 5E Sidelining Players- the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, and the Poll

[lowkey13]

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[Caliban]

Well, not everyone is great in social situations. If you find that you are being "judged," a lot, or called "rude," a lot, then you might want to examine whether or not you're very good at social situations.

You haven't really been paying attention to my posts have you?

I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere on the Autistic/Asperger's spectrum. When I was a kid, it was just called ADHD, I was on Ritalin for awhile and everything. I didn't react well to it (I don't remember most of 4th grade), so I was taken off of it and put on a special diet instead.

I used to worry about "social compacts", but eventually realized that I just don't care that much. If someone explains the social rules of the situation to me, I do my best to abide by them unless they are too annoying. If they don't, then it's their problem, not mine.

 

[Seramus]

Conversation is helpful. In a long-running group, this is probably either known or assumed.
If you don't know, you can always ask.
And even within groups, different occasions will merit different responses-
1. "Hey, my character was knocked out of this combat. Mind if I take off until next week? This seems boring."
2. "Hey, my character is dead. Never like him much. Mind if I go home, and bring a new character to the next session?"
3. "Hey, I just got a text that my house is on fire. Oh, my spouse too. My spouse is on fire. And my pet. Mind if I run out and see if I can stop all that combustion?"

In over 40 tables, I can only remember it being talked about once. So, at least in my experience, this isn't the kind of thing groups talk about. Everyone just assumes whatever it is they assume, and a discussion on the forums about best practices probably isn't going to change that. It's probably going to continue to be something people don't really talk about. So assuming it's not going to be talked about, who should have their feelings respected, and who should not?

In other words, what is the unspoken default?

 

[lowkey13]

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[lowkey13]

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[Caliban]

I've noticed that humor and compromise aren't your thing.

Ooh, nice insult there. Not true, but still, nice attempt.

I respect your opinion,

I really don't think you do. I'm not sure you even understand it.

but you should also respect that while there are groups that will be sympathetic to your particular opinions, there are also groups that will be less sympathetic to your desire to ignore social rules that you find annoying. I trust you have found, and enjoyed playing with, groups that are amenable to your opinions!

Not at all the point I was making. I don't have a "desire to ignore social rules". I'm simply not aware of them most of the time, and some of them I simply don't understand. And some I will choose to ignore even if I do understand them, because they are trying to force me to do something I object too.

My point is, for some people "social compacts" that are unwritten rules might as well not exist. Because we weren't given the manual of "unwritten social rules" when they were being handed out. Trying to use "social compacts" to justify anything will fall on deaf ears because you might as well be speaking a foreign language. (Personally, I also consider "athletic teams" and their fans to be one step above a cult, so that analogy doesn't win any points with me either. )

And a lot of those people are gamers. Because for games like D&D the rules ARE written out, so we can understand them and know what to expect.

We agree on this much - different groups of gamers have different expectations. What is acceptable for one group may not be acceptable for another. I just wouldn't rely on a "social compact" to figure it out. I'd actually talk to the DM (or the player) to figure it out.

 

[lowkey13]

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[Seramus]

It's not a question of feelings being respected. It's a question of social norms at that particular group. It's the same thing as saying, "If the group has a rule that there are no smart phones, and somebody really wants to check their social media during the game when it's not their turn, then whose feelings should you respect?" It's fine for that table to re-visit the issue of smart phones, but it would be ... rude ... for one player to act in a way that is against what the rest of the table wants.

Same here. If there is an underlying social expectation (that this is a time for friends) as opposed to this is a time for an individual to play D&D, then that social obligation should be honored. If not, then there are certainly other tables that this person could find that are more focused on individual playing time.

But as far as I know, there is no underlying social expectation for this particular issue. Or if there is, I don't know what it is, and only once in fourty tables has anyone talked about it. And if this thread is any indication, there are lots of people who disagree. So absent any kind of social expectation or rule like the phone thing, and given that it probably is not going to be talked about in a real life situation, what is the default?

 

[Caliban]

Not an insult; an observation. It's why I had to have you ... not included ... in my posts for some time. I tend to use humor and equivocation a lot, which you sometimes don't notice. I also try to tackle issues and comments holistically, as opposed to piecemeal.

*shrug* Whatever. I use humor a lot myself, perhaps you just haven't noticed.

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to someone who, when you say that you respect their opinion, responds, "I really don't think you do."

Well, I could lie and pretend I think you do, if you prefer. That's what I assume you were doing when you said "I respect your opinion". Just some polite words you don't actually mean to act as a social lubricant.

I really don't think you understand my position on this, which makes it hard for you to actually respect it. Especially since you keep using arguments (such as "social compacts" and "athletic teams") that I find somewhat nonsensical.

 

[lowkey13]

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