Sure we can talk about how gaming works. But what works for me and my group(s) may not work for you. I've explained what I do a bazillion times.
I just don't know what more you want because there is no universal truth. You don't run your game like I do? Okay. Is your group having fun? Cool. Is my group having fun? Yep. Awesome.
End of story.
I'm not talking about running the game. I'm talking about
assembling the game. Everything up to "we just started session 1."
There are patterns here. We can, in fact, actually talk about them and try to resolve this seemingly-irresolvable conundrum. As with previous statements, it may not work. However, I generally hold out hope that two people both attempting to discuss something rationally can work out that what they thought was pure loggerheads was actually two people having slightly different starting points. Once those are accounted for, seeming logical contradictions can be
resolved, rather than retreated from.
So, to re-state my previous stuff. This is my attempt at a general model for how things happen for non-pick-up play, where DMs put lots of hard work into building a world that they'd rather not just slap-dash rewrite repeatedly:
1. DM has an idea and builds it into a campaign premise
2. DM seeks out players interested in this idea (putting out a notice and accepting applications, talking to friends, whatever)
3. If enough interested (and desirable) players are found, DM gives a more fully-articulated pitch (the aforementioned 20-page primers etc.)
4. Players develop ideas, and ask the DM questions about the pitch (possibly part of Session 0)
5. DM works through any wrinkles in the final PC concepts and approves specific players to join (also possibly part of Session 0)
6. Play properly begins with Session 1
As I said before: it very much sounds to me like those DMs here who consider it "demanding" or "disrespectful" (words actually used in this thread, mind) to do something like asking to play a dragonborn are assuming this thing happens at step 5 or 6, where everything that should have been said has already been said, and it WOULD be rude to demand something different, it WOULD be a breach of agreement and social contract to pitch a fit about not getting to play an elf. Whereas for me--and most of the people who agree with me here--it seems that we're sitting at step 2 or maybe 3, where there HASN'T yet been a full-throated articulation of what's up and it's COMPLETELY reasonable for players to have ideas that aren't necessarly 100% copacetic with the DM's "vision," where expecting a little negotiation and conversation is not rude but rather
polite and REFUSING to have them is what is rude.
So.
Assuming that we're not talking about this allegedly-insanely-common approach, where someone puts potentially years of work into developing a setting but then solicits completely random strangers at the FLGS to play with them, does this seem reasonable to you pro-restriction folks? Does this help explain why I have pushed so hard for these polite conversations and find it
flabbergasting that people refer to it as "disrespectful" or respond to them by waving around claims of "Ultimate Authority"?