Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
BSF
Explorer
Judgement - Round 1, Match 1 Ceramic DM Spring 2005
Firelance vs Speaker vs Hellefire
It's judgement time folks. Thank you for your patience. Now that this is posted, you can posted unspoilered comments on these stories. In facgt, if you wish, you can remove previous spoiler tags.
Maldur
It always amazes me that the stories for one set pictures, eventhough they have great variety, always have a odd similarity. This is most obvious in theme, so either all stories are fantasy, or all are mysterie, or all are detectives. This time its the same, all three stories are mysterious, what I call "new age-y" stories, and all three leave me confused, as to what was actually told.
Firelance: a nice short story, the "flow" of the story started a bit rough, but smoothed out at the end.
Hellefire: This story was the most confusing of the three. When are these the people on the beach, when are they "elementals", what are they anyway, how do these stories relate, and why the thelma and louise ending?
Speaker: powerfull story, it had an odd "jumping back and forth". It gave a very abrubt feel to the story, and it gave the impression of something very profound, but I am slightly confused as to what is was profound about.
Obviously, the tiger pic made the biggest impression on me, and I noticed that in at least two of the stories that was also the case. still for this round I can only conclude by being confused (Im starting to sound like a broken record
)
But who gets my vote:
[sblock]Speaker, Im not exactly sure why, but that story made the biggest impression on me.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Firelance - "Judgement"
Firelance's "Judgement" is a solid, although brief, entry. From a mechanical standpoint, it is pretty well-written. The prose is workmanlike, effective without being overly verbose. There are a some odd word choices, such as "he deduced that the snow demon clawed him." With 'deduced' you are usually implying some Holmesian thought process, whereas the protagonist obviously knew that the snow demon had clawed him. There are also a few awkward sentences, such as "He landed heavily on the ground, and his right hand, which he had tried to pick up one of the stones with, glowed red and felt unnaturally warm." Instead, "He landed heavily, his right hand glowing red and feeling unnaturally warm" would accomplish the same thing. In this case, it is safe to assume the reader understands that he lands on the ground, and can surmise that the hand that is glowing is the hand that touched the Warding Flame.
Overall, the story feels somewhat perfunctory. In the rush to make sure that the pictures are woven into the story, the setting and the details suffer. Specifics such as the name of one of Thogar's loved ones, or even the name of his village, would add some depth. Having Thogar know a legend about the village of Salesh would help establish a link between Thogar's people and the Saleshi. Instead of becoming involved in the setting, I found myself noticing wondering how his leg healed in a day, or why he didn't bother to even ask if he could have a piece of the Warding Flame before trying to take it.
The picture use is a mixed bag. The white tiger as a Snow Demon was good, especially since it worked in the pouncing motion. The burning coals as a magical talisman to keep out the cold also works, and is essential to the story. The oracle is not quite as good, since pretty much any picture of a woman could have been used there. Those kinds of generic pictures are always tough in Ceramic DM though. The sunset on the shoreline is also kind of a throw-away, included purely for its descriptive value instead of advancing the plot.
There is the basis of a good story here, almost Howard-esque, but it really needs fleshing out to add some sense of plot and character developement. Just another thousand words, maybe -- Thogar trying to acquire the stone by other means, some background on the world, and little more dialog with the Oracle.
Hellefire - "The Trip"
An interesting, almost psychedelic story. The beginning is mysterious, enigmatic, and it works pretty well, although I think it goes a smidge too long. Unconventional, but it has a Sunset Boulevard vibe that grabs you. The prose is very well done, evocative without being obvious. Good use of details to set the stage, from the name of the lake to the brand of cigarettes. The author also manages to breathe some life into the elementals' worlds in a few brief interludes.
A little more clarity would have been nice, however. The surreal mood of the story had me thinking that maybe I'd had a couple of those 'shrooms, too. The ending fits the setup, the symmetry of the collisions (fire/water/air) and (metal/flesh) is cool, but the way the story gets there is a little disjointed and forced.
The picture isn't terribly well integrated with the story. The sunset picture is the best, capturing the psychadelic trip of the young couple at the lake. The shapechanging sprite who appears as a ferocious tiger to startle her friends is an example of including a scene to justify the picture, instead of using the picture to drive the story. The coals in the campsite fire also promise more than they deliver. The picture of the woman seems terribly out of place at first, although it makes more sense once you've worked to the end of the story.
An interesting story, nonetheless, and a solid Ceramic DM entry.
Speaker - "The Lady for the Tiger"
Much like "The Trip", "The Lady for the Tiger" flips between differing viewpoints, this time between that of two far off observers and a tiger being hunted. There is some nice imagery and word usage in this story. The parts detailing the tiger hunt are well done, and the stream-of-consciousness style imparts the urgency that the tiger must feel.
The style is also the story's biggest shortcoming, though. Stream of consciousness is best used sparingly. Here, its effectiveness is weakened through overuse. It also leads to repitition -- "now the tiger breaks free", "now the hunters load the carcass', "now he will manage to feed his family", etc. What in small doses would have been breakneck pacing just seems tiring by the end instead of exciting.
The picture use is pretty good, including the best use in this matchup of both the woman and the tiger. The merging of the veil with the tiger stripes was especially well done, and both are integral to the story. The fire and sunset aren't used as well. The sunset is a throw-away in the last sentence, and while there is some attempt to match the dying embers with the dying tiger, the setup could have been better.
It's very nice to get three very different stories. All the participants are to be congratulated. These were not easy pictures to work with -- nothing really meaty other than the tiger to hang a story on. Whoever moves on should be wary, though, as the images will get more bizzarre and disjointed, and picture use will count more heavily.
[sblock]Each author not only told a different story, the styles and approaches were different as well. Still, the essence of Ceramic DM is the pictures, and while all three stories had some highs and lows, the way Speaker managed to tie the picture of the veiled woman with the tiger gives him the edge. A difficult choice. Judgement: Speaker.[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Hellefire - The Trip
Wow, what can I say?
We have a journey here. Actualy we have several journeys. They begin as disparate threads and they tie together at the end. I am not quite sure what to say about the journeys though. This is the type of story that will stay with me a while, allowing me to think about it and contemplate it. That is a good thing.
Fiction has that flexibility of allowing you to think about things while feeling safe and snug in your life. Fiction gives us permission to journey outside of ourselves and consider other ideas, new concepts and to see the world through the different viewpoints of characters and even authors. Fiction might even give us permission to find ways to change ourselves. Is that what this story is trying to do? Did I 'get it'?
Maybe. I suppose Hellefire might be able to answer that a little better based on his intentions writing the story.
The style of the story is clever. We jump between different character viewpoints and dialogue. But I found it hard to really keep track of the characters. The transitions were, perhaps, a little too abrupt? Or it might have been that there were too many characters? It might have also just been the constraints of the Ceramic DM in which Hellefire didn't have enough time to really invest the characters deeply enough to grab me. I would have liked to have felt more empathy with Jim and Jem. These are two characters I would have really enjoyed knowing. I would have also liked to have felt what the faeries were feeling throughout the story. As it is, I am left wanting a little more from all of them. So there were either too many characters to be able to focus on them. Or there wasn't enough of each character to really get to feel like I knew them.
Picture use: Ceramic DM is all about picture use. These are the illustrations for your story right? So how did Hellefire use the pictures?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. The impact of this picture doesn't reach fruition until after the end of the story. Initially I couldn't tie any real relevance to the picture and the story. After the end of the story, I can really appreciate it. I think I would have almost preferred that the picture be described at the beginning and illustrated at the end. But that is just a preference.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. Hellefire uses the picture in context here. Basically, he reinforces the fire and the existence of elemental few within it. He also acknowledges that Jem is accepting the existence of the fey.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. Here Hellefire uses this picture to create an ambiance as well as a setup for the introduction of the faerie characters. Using a scenery backdrop is not always easy. I liked the ambiance and that Hellefire drew inspiration from this picture. But I do wonder if an editor would have chosen to illustrate that scene with a sunset.
Picture 4 is the tiger. Hellefire does a good job reflecting the fey characters' unfamiliarity with the outside world by not describing the tiger as a tiger. I found that it helped reflect their basic ignorance of the rest of the world. However the introduction of the picture is still somewhat weak as it doesn't dramatically drive the story forward. If this picture and this scene were cut from the story, would it matter? No, not that I can tell.
I think Hellefire used the pictures mostly for inspiration. In itself this is not a bad thing. While I liked the elements that he drew in with the pictures, I can't really say tha these are the strongest uses of pictures we could have seen.
Speaker - The Lady for the Tiger
Speaker presents us with an action packed tale with spiritual mystery. Speaker chooses to tell this tale with a constat shifting of perspectives and scenes. There is a bit of a risk with this approach. You risk losing your audience in your transitions. On the other hand, you might be able to pull it off. I appreciate risks when trying to tell a story. So the question is whether this risk paid off for Speaker.
Unfortunately, it did not work for me. Really it is a shame that it didn't work. I sense a great story here. I can see where there is a lot of great interplay and where there should be tension. I should feel some deep empathy with this beautiful creature that is being hunted. But I don't.
Quite frankly, the transitions are too distracting from the story. I found myself having to check, and re-check, the transitions. I have been trying to figure out why this doesn't work for me for the last two nights. Because really, I like the idea behind the story. I just keep being jarred out of the story and that really detracts from the entire reading experience for me.
I think I have finally begun to discern where the problem is. I can't find the rhythm of the story. There isn't a cadence I can latch onto to carry me through the transitions. Speaker isn't shy about using complex sentences.
"Now the jungle passes by as the tiger picks up speed, and the presence marvels at how he might at one moment gracefully spring to this tall rock, then the next fling himself there, to that towering tree, not pausing and racing in mind as well as body, seeking refuge because the hunters are all about, and every way seems to lead to a desperate trap and defeat."
"The forest is teaming with enemies who have hunted his kind before, and now they are ahead and the tiger can smell their determination.
"Desperately the tiger surges forward, his muscles tense beneath his white skin, and with that lunge he almost breaks free, snapping two of the small trees that hold fast the net through sheer brute force and rending the net through."
These are complex sentences. But within the confines of this style, they are too long. They detract from the action. They engage the reader too thoroughly. Then when the story shifts, the reader is forced to break into another complex train of thought. Speaker, I think you could shorten your sentences and work on developing a cadence that would carry the reader through the story. Otherwise, you might consider changing the style of the storytelling.
I also notice a few tense shifts throughout the story. I suspect that these might be typos due to the 's' and the 'd' being near each other on the keyboard. But it is difficult to follow at times. This type of problem can only be caught by a good proofreading as the words are properly spelled.
Now I don't want everyone to think that I didn't like Speaker's story. I did! As I said, there is a really interesting story here. I just think I missed part of the message as I scrambled between viewpoints.
Picture Use: How well did Speaker use the pictures?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. I like that the woman starts off with no obvious purpose, but her significance is shown through the story.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. Speaker is a little clever with this one. The coals are a metaphor and he puts forth a lot of effort building the significance of that metaphor throughout the story. I anticipated that the fire would end up being the coals, but I also had the advantage of knowing that picture had to appear somewhere. If I didn't know anything about the pictures, I would have appreciated the foreshadowing throughout the story even more.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. This picture is not clearly annotated anywhere. Still, I think I know where it was used. It is a nice ending piece to the story, but it could as easily not exist. Like Hellefire, Speaker chose to use this mostly for the ambiance.
Picture 4 is the tiger. With a tiger as the focal point of the story, it is hard to imagine that this wasn't used extensively. Clearly Speaker drew inspiration for the story from here. But the particular scene where it is used isn't particularly strong. I found myself wondering why the first thing the tiger senses is the smell of humans on a speedboat coming up the river. The tiger didn't notice the smell of an engine, or the noise of the engine. The tiger noticed that more humans were around. That is when I recognized that the story would be stronger without the river being included. The story would have been stronger without that particular scene, and that 'illustration' being included. So while the picture provides the impetus for the story, the scene in which it is used does not add to the story.
Overall, Speaker did a pretty good job with the picture use.
Firelance - Judgement
Firelance checks in with a story that is quite a bit shorter than his competitors. That's OK though. Quality can beat out quantity any day.
We have a short story about a man who finds himself in a strange place and has the opportunity to learn a little bit about himself in the process. I liked this story. It is easy to read this story and enjoy it as a quick little diversion. But hidden beneath that is the message that love is stronger than fear or hate.
The one problem I have with this story is that everything wraps up too nicely and too quickly. We don't get much of a feel for Thogar. He is afraid, he is a bit homesick, he is willing to steal to get back home, he chooses love over hate and fear. But how did he feel about stealing from the people that saved his life? If the Warding Flame is derived from love, then why did his hand glow after trying to steal it?
These are niggling little details that I ponder. I want more information, more characterization, and more story. But it is Ceramic DM and there is that whole time limit issue. I can overlook these issues and just enjoy the story for what it is.
Picture Use: Now it is Firelance's turn with the pictures. So how did he do?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. In this story she is an oracle. She is there solely to give us some insight in what the Warding Flame is. It isn't a bad usage.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. This time it is the Warding Flame. This is a key component of the entire story. I like that it isn't a burning coal in the story. It is close in that it is a burning rock, but it is still different.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. This one is a little contrived. But it works! After all, this is not the easiest picture to work into the story. Given the subject matter, it is hard to avoid using it as merely a backdrop.
Picture 4 is the tiger. Or in this case, the snow demon. The picture is the culmination of the events that begin the story. The snow demon diving into the water to try to catch Thogar. It is a decent action pic that drives the story forward. Especially in light of Thogar's later choice to avoid fear and hate.
Comparison
All three of the authors spin an interesting tale. I really appreciate the underlying themes for each story. I do think the picture choices were a little difficult to integrate. By and large, I chose pictures that had a vague context in which to write. It has been very interesting to see what grew from these pictures.
Noe of the authors presented the pictures in way that I was completely floored by them. These are good stories with good ties to the pictures. I also didn't get the feeling that any of the pictures were 'throwaways'. Our authors tried to make each scene with a picture relevant. However, I do have a few reservations, as noted above.
Hellefire, I'm not sure I like your story. But I appreciate it. It makes me think and I enjoyed reading it.
Speaker, despite my criticism on the style, I think you have an intriguing idea here.
Firelance, you have a story that is a fun, light read. Your message is easy to understand.
I want to thank all three of you for your stories. Writing Ceramic DM is tough. But your stories are wonderful to read.
At some point, I need to make a decision on my vote. So here it is.
[sblock]
I can't get past the difficulty I had reading Speaker's story. Firelance's story was a little too tidy and neat. Hellefire's story has been running through my head since I read it. Even if I didn't really like the story, it made me think. I have to give my vote to Hellefire.[/sblock]
Macbeth
Hellefire:
Overall, a very strong entry. The introduction was a little too disjointed for easy reading. I got the sense that this was intentional, but it ended up being too much, and a little too disorienting.
However, from there the story builds nicely. I felt that at a few points it bordered on being sappy, but for the most part it stayed serious and wonderfully dark. I liked the early feel of the drugged haze, but I think it could have been taken a little further.
The ending was a bit of a disappointment. the entire story built this idea of a great journey undertaken by soul mates, but three of these journeys are interrupted by chance events. I'm not sure if you were aiming for a message or a theme, but for me this went counter to the rest of the work. This great, important journey can be interrupted by chance? I think the ending would have been more satisfying if, instead of a random event, it would have been ruined by some human (or other creature) failing. I did like the feeling of the ending, you communicated the feelings of all those involved very well, but plot-wise it seemed a little weak.
Picture use was good, but not great. The early drug trip used to point out the bright colors seems a little tacked on when you read through to the end. At first the trip seemed strange and vaguely unsettling, but it ended up being more of an explanation for some cool pictures.
And not a big deal, but a little question: if this takes place in Alaska, shouldn't these people wear a little more in the way of clothes? Just seems like they might be cold with all the swimming and such.
Overall, I think the story had some great ideas, but the plot tying them together could use a little reinforcing. Your diction and imagery were a great fit for the story, but the drug trip and the coincidental ending seemed off.
Firelance:
I liked the basic idea behind this story, but the implementation lacked something. It slipped into too fast of a pace, and lacked description that would have made it stronger.
I think the primary problem was showing versus telling. Many of the plot points were told, not shown. Thogar never really developed as a character, since we're often told what he's doing, with no insight into why. When he decides to return to his own village, it seems like a reasonable choice, but one made without any passion.
The dialog had some of the same problems. The characters said exactly what needed to be said, and nothing more. A little bit of chit-chat or feeling would have added a lot. In the same way, the Snow Demon never really becomes threatening. We're told it's horrible, but we never really see this. Thogar gets away with a fairly minor injury, and he escapes by chance. If a swift river can get him away from the beast, how bad can it be?
Overall, too much of the story relied on telling. More description would have made all the difference. Add details and a little more flavor, and this would be a great story.
Speaker:
A very interesting story. I liked the feel of it, your descriptions really made it work.
The plot was a little weak, just because I never really felt that I knew what exactly was going on. The strangeness of the mental connection and the lady becoming the tiger seemed to be tied to survival, but we never really get a good feel for how or why.
The weaknesses of the (intentionally ?) vague connection to the tiger was more then made up for by the strength of your prose. The descriptions were wonderful and vivid, giving a feel for the creature and the hunters. There were a couple of time that the narrative broke into statements as opposed to description that hurt the flow some. Why tell us that "Bengal tigers swim as naturally as they run," when it could just as easily have been described? Perhaps something like "the tiger leaped into the water and swam as smoothly as it ran" would be better, since instead of breaking out a fact you could give a description that enforces the mood.
Picture use was varied: the lady was wonderfully used (taking advantage of the details of the picture to link her with the tiger was a brilliant touch), as was the fire, but the water seemed a little less important.
The greatest strength was the vivid, descriptive prose, while the greatest weakness was the slightly clouded story.
Overall judgement:
[sblock]Speaker takes this round with 2 votes. Congratulations Speaker! Hellefire and Firelance, thank you for writing. Please stick around the thread and post your thoughts and comments.[/sblock]
Firelance vs Speaker vs Hellefire
It's judgement time folks. Thank you for your patience. Now that this is posted, you can posted unspoilered comments on these stories. In facgt, if you wish, you can remove previous spoiler tags.
Maldur
It always amazes me that the stories for one set pictures, eventhough they have great variety, always have a odd similarity. This is most obvious in theme, so either all stories are fantasy, or all are mysterie, or all are detectives. This time its the same, all three stories are mysterious, what I call "new age-y" stories, and all three leave me confused, as to what was actually told.
Firelance: a nice short story, the "flow" of the story started a bit rough, but smoothed out at the end.
Hellefire: This story was the most confusing of the three. When are these the people on the beach, when are they "elementals", what are they anyway, how do these stories relate, and why the thelma and louise ending?
Speaker: powerfull story, it had an odd "jumping back and forth". It gave a very abrubt feel to the story, and it gave the impression of something very profound, but I am slightly confused as to what is was profound about.
Obviously, the tiger pic made the biggest impression on me, and I noticed that in at least two of the stories that was also the case. still for this round I can only conclude by being confused (Im starting to sound like a broken record
)But who gets my vote:
[sblock]Speaker, Im not exactly sure why, but that story made the biggest impression on me.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Firelance - "Judgement"
Firelance's "Judgement" is a solid, although brief, entry. From a mechanical standpoint, it is pretty well-written. The prose is workmanlike, effective without being overly verbose. There are a some odd word choices, such as "he deduced that the snow demon clawed him." With 'deduced' you are usually implying some Holmesian thought process, whereas the protagonist obviously knew that the snow demon had clawed him. There are also a few awkward sentences, such as "He landed heavily on the ground, and his right hand, which he had tried to pick up one of the stones with, glowed red and felt unnaturally warm." Instead, "He landed heavily, his right hand glowing red and feeling unnaturally warm" would accomplish the same thing. In this case, it is safe to assume the reader understands that he lands on the ground, and can surmise that the hand that is glowing is the hand that touched the Warding Flame.
Overall, the story feels somewhat perfunctory. In the rush to make sure that the pictures are woven into the story, the setting and the details suffer. Specifics such as the name of one of Thogar's loved ones, or even the name of his village, would add some depth. Having Thogar know a legend about the village of Salesh would help establish a link between Thogar's people and the Saleshi. Instead of becoming involved in the setting, I found myself noticing wondering how his leg healed in a day, or why he didn't bother to even ask if he could have a piece of the Warding Flame before trying to take it.
The picture use is a mixed bag. The white tiger as a Snow Demon was good, especially since it worked in the pouncing motion. The burning coals as a magical talisman to keep out the cold also works, and is essential to the story. The oracle is not quite as good, since pretty much any picture of a woman could have been used there. Those kinds of generic pictures are always tough in Ceramic DM though. The sunset on the shoreline is also kind of a throw-away, included purely for its descriptive value instead of advancing the plot.
There is the basis of a good story here, almost Howard-esque, but it really needs fleshing out to add some sense of plot and character developement. Just another thousand words, maybe -- Thogar trying to acquire the stone by other means, some background on the world, and little more dialog with the Oracle.
Hellefire - "The Trip"
An interesting, almost psychedelic story. The beginning is mysterious, enigmatic, and it works pretty well, although I think it goes a smidge too long. Unconventional, but it has a Sunset Boulevard vibe that grabs you. The prose is very well done, evocative without being obvious. Good use of details to set the stage, from the name of the lake to the brand of cigarettes. The author also manages to breathe some life into the elementals' worlds in a few brief interludes.
A little more clarity would have been nice, however. The surreal mood of the story had me thinking that maybe I'd had a couple of those 'shrooms, too. The ending fits the setup, the symmetry of the collisions (fire/water/air) and (metal/flesh) is cool, but the way the story gets there is a little disjointed and forced.
The picture isn't terribly well integrated with the story. The sunset picture is the best, capturing the psychadelic trip of the young couple at the lake. The shapechanging sprite who appears as a ferocious tiger to startle her friends is an example of including a scene to justify the picture, instead of using the picture to drive the story. The coals in the campsite fire also promise more than they deliver. The picture of the woman seems terribly out of place at first, although it makes more sense once you've worked to the end of the story.
An interesting story, nonetheless, and a solid Ceramic DM entry.
Speaker - "The Lady for the Tiger"
Much like "The Trip", "The Lady for the Tiger" flips between differing viewpoints, this time between that of two far off observers and a tiger being hunted. There is some nice imagery and word usage in this story. The parts detailing the tiger hunt are well done, and the stream-of-consciousness style imparts the urgency that the tiger must feel.
The style is also the story's biggest shortcoming, though. Stream of consciousness is best used sparingly. Here, its effectiveness is weakened through overuse. It also leads to repitition -- "now the tiger breaks free", "now the hunters load the carcass', "now he will manage to feed his family", etc. What in small doses would have been breakneck pacing just seems tiring by the end instead of exciting.
The picture use is pretty good, including the best use in this matchup of both the woman and the tiger. The merging of the veil with the tiger stripes was especially well done, and both are integral to the story. The fire and sunset aren't used as well. The sunset is a throw-away in the last sentence, and while there is some attempt to match the dying embers with the dying tiger, the setup could have been better.
It's very nice to get three very different stories. All the participants are to be congratulated. These were not easy pictures to work with -- nothing really meaty other than the tiger to hang a story on. Whoever moves on should be wary, though, as the images will get more bizzarre and disjointed, and picture use will count more heavily.
[sblock]Each author not only told a different story, the styles and approaches were different as well. Still, the essence of Ceramic DM is the pictures, and while all three stories had some highs and lows, the way Speaker managed to tie the picture of the veiled woman with the tiger gives him the edge. A difficult choice. Judgement: Speaker.[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Hellefire - The Trip
Wow, what can I say?
We have a journey here. Actualy we have several journeys. They begin as disparate threads and they tie together at the end. I am not quite sure what to say about the journeys though. This is the type of story that will stay with me a while, allowing me to think about it and contemplate it. That is a good thing.
Fiction has that flexibility of allowing you to think about things while feeling safe and snug in your life. Fiction gives us permission to journey outside of ourselves and consider other ideas, new concepts and to see the world through the different viewpoints of characters and even authors. Fiction might even give us permission to find ways to change ourselves. Is that what this story is trying to do? Did I 'get it'?
Maybe. I suppose Hellefire might be able to answer that a little better based on his intentions writing the story.
The style of the story is clever. We jump between different character viewpoints and dialogue. But I found it hard to really keep track of the characters. The transitions were, perhaps, a little too abrupt? Or it might have been that there were too many characters? It might have also just been the constraints of the Ceramic DM in which Hellefire didn't have enough time to really invest the characters deeply enough to grab me. I would have liked to have felt more empathy with Jim and Jem. These are two characters I would have really enjoyed knowing. I would have also liked to have felt what the faeries were feeling throughout the story. As it is, I am left wanting a little more from all of them. So there were either too many characters to be able to focus on them. Or there wasn't enough of each character to really get to feel like I knew them.
Picture use: Ceramic DM is all about picture use. These are the illustrations for your story right? So how did Hellefire use the pictures?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. The impact of this picture doesn't reach fruition until after the end of the story. Initially I couldn't tie any real relevance to the picture and the story. After the end of the story, I can really appreciate it. I think I would have almost preferred that the picture be described at the beginning and illustrated at the end. But that is just a preference.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. Hellefire uses the picture in context here. Basically, he reinforces the fire and the existence of elemental few within it. He also acknowledges that Jem is accepting the existence of the fey.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. Here Hellefire uses this picture to create an ambiance as well as a setup for the introduction of the faerie characters. Using a scenery backdrop is not always easy. I liked the ambiance and that Hellefire drew inspiration from this picture. But I do wonder if an editor would have chosen to illustrate that scene with a sunset.
Picture 4 is the tiger. Hellefire does a good job reflecting the fey characters' unfamiliarity with the outside world by not describing the tiger as a tiger. I found that it helped reflect their basic ignorance of the rest of the world. However the introduction of the picture is still somewhat weak as it doesn't dramatically drive the story forward. If this picture and this scene were cut from the story, would it matter? No, not that I can tell.
I think Hellefire used the pictures mostly for inspiration. In itself this is not a bad thing. While I liked the elements that he drew in with the pictures, I can't really say tha these are the strongest uses of pictures we could have seen.
Speaker - The Lady for the Tiger
Speaker presents us with an action packed tale with spiritual mystery. Speaker chooses to tell this tale with a constat shifting of perspectives and scenes. There is a bit of a risk with this approach. You risk losing your audience in your transitions. On the other hand, you might be able to pull it off. I appreciate risks when trying to tell a story. So the question is whether this risk paid off for Speaker.
Unfortunately, it did not work for me. Really it is a shame that it didn't work. I sense a great story here. I can see where there is a lot of great interplay and where there should be tension. I should feel some deep empathy with this beautiful creature that is being hunted. But I don't.
Quite frankly, the transitions are too distracting from the story. I found myself having to check, and re-check, the transitions. I have been trying to figure out why this doesn't work for me for the last two nights. Because really, I like the idea behind the story. I just keep being jarred out of the story and that really detracts from the entire reading experience for me.
I think I have finally begun to discern where the problem is. I can't find the rhythm of the story. There isn't a cadence I can latch onto to carry me through the transitions. Speaker isn't shy about using complex sentences.
"Now the jungle passes by as the tiger picks up speed, and the presence marvels at how he might at one moment gracefully spring to this tall rock, then the next fling himself there, to that towering tree, not pausing and racing in mind as well as body, seeking refuge because the hunters are all about, and every way seems to lead to a desperate trap and defeat."
"The forest is teaming with enemies who have hunted his kind before, and now they are ahead and the tiger can smell their determination.
"Desperately the tiger surges forward, his muscles tense beneath his white skin, and with that lunge he almost breaks free, snapping two of the small trees that hold fast the net through sheer brute force and rending the net through."
These are complex sentences. But within the confines of this style, they are too long. They detract from the action. They engage the reader too thoroughly. Then when the story shifts, the reader is forced to break into another complex train of thought. Speaker, I think you could shorten your sentences and work on developing a cadence that would carry the reader through the story. Otherwise, you might consider changing the style of the storytelling.
I also notice a few tense shifts throughout the story. I suspect that these might be typos due to the 's' and the 'd' being near each other on the keyboard. But it is difficult to follow at times. This type of problem can only be caught by a good proofreading as the words are properly spelled.
Now I don't want everyone to think that I didn't like Speaker's story. I did! As I said, there is a really interesting story here. I just think I missed part of the message as I scrambled between viewpoints.
Picture Use: How well did Speaker use the pictures?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. I like that the woman starts off with no obvious purpose, but her significance is shown through the story.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. Speaker is a little clever with this one. The coals are a metaphor and he puts forth a lot of effort building the significance of that metaphor throughout the story. I anticipated that the fire would end up being the coals, but I also had the advantage of knowing that picture had to appear somewhere. If I didn't know anything about the pictures, I would have appreciated the foreshadowing throughout the story even more.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. This picture is not clearly annotated anywhere. Still, I think I know where it was used. It is a nice ending piece to the story, but it could as easily not exist. Like Hellefire, Speaker chose to use this mostly for the ambiance.
Picture 4 is the tiger. With a tiger as the focal point of the story, it is hard to imagine that this wasn't used extensively. Clearly Speaker drew inspiration for the story from here. But the particular scene where it is used isn't particularly strong. I found myself wondering why the first thing the tiger senses is the smell of humans on a speedboat coming up the river. The tiger didn't notice the smell of an engine, or the noise of the engine. The tiger noticed that more humans were around. That is when I recognized that the story would be stronger without the river being included. The story would have been stronger without that particular scene, and that 'illustration' being included. So while the picture provides the impetus for the story, the scene in which it is used does not add to the story.
Overall, Speaker did a pretty good job with the picture use.
Firelance - Judgement
Firelance checks in with a story that is quite a bit shorter than his competitors. That's OK though. Quality can beat out quantity any day.
We have a short story about a man who finds himself in a strange place and has the opportunity to learn a little bit about himself in the process. I liked this story. It is easy to read this story and enjoy it as a quick little diversion. But hidden beneath that is the message that love is stronger than fear or hate.
The one problem I have with this story is that everything wraps up too nicely and too quickly. We don't get much of a feel for Thogar. He is afraid, he is a bit homesick, he is willing to steal to get back home, he chooses love over hate and fear. But how did he feel about stealing from the people that saved his life? If the Warding Flame is derived from love, then why did his hand glow after trying to steal it?
These are niggling little details that I ponder. I want more information, more characterization, and more story. But it is Ceramic DM and there is that whole time limit issue. I can overlook these issues and just enjoy the story for what it is.
Picture Use: Now it is Firelance's turn with the pictures. So how did he do?
Picture 1 is the portrait of the woman. In this story she is an oracle. She is there solely to give us some insight in what the Warding Flame is. It isn't a bad usage.
Picture 2 is of coals in a fire. This time it is the Warding Flame. This is a key component of the entire story. I like that it isn't a burning coal in the story. It is close in that it is a burning rock, but it is still different.
Picture 3 is the lake at sunset. This one is a little contrived. But it works! After all, this is not the easiest picture to work into the story. Given the subject matter, it is hard to avoid using it as merely a backdrop.
Picture 4 is the tiger. Or in this case, the snow demon. The picture is the culmination of the events that begin the story. The snow demon diving into the water to try to catch Thogar. It is a decent action pic that drives the story forward. Especially in light of Thogar's later choice to avoid fear and hate.
Comparison
All three of the authors spin an interesting tale. I really appreciate the underlying themes for each story. I do think the picture choices were a little difficult to integrate. By and large, I chose pictures that had a vague context in which to write. It has been very interesting to see what grew from these pictures.
Noe of the authors presented the pictures in way that I was completely floored by them. These are good stories with good ties to the pictures. I also didn't get the feeling that any of the pictures were 'throwaways'. Our authors tried to make each scene with a picture relevant. However, I do have a few reservations, as noted above.
Hellefire, I'm not sure I like your story. But I appreciate it. It makes me think and I enjoyed reading it.
Speaker, despite my criticism on the style, I think you have an intriguing idea here.
Firelance, you have a story that is a fun, light read. Your message is easy to understand.
I want to thank all three of you for your stories. Writing Ceramic DM is tough. But your stories are wonderful to read.
At some point, I need to make a decision on my vote. So here it is.
[sblock]
I can't get past the difficulty I had reading Speaker's story. Firelance's story was a little too tidy and neat. Hellefire's story has been running through my head since I read it. Even if I didn't really like the story, it made me think. I have to give my vote to Hellefire.[/sblock]
Macbeth
Hellefire:
Overall, a very strong entry. The introduction was a little too disjointed for easy reading. I got the sense that this was intentional, but it ended up being too much, and a little too disorienting.
However, from there the story builds nicely. I felt that at a few points it bordered on being sappy, but for the most part it stayed serious and wonderfully dark. I liked the early feel of the drugged haze, but I think it could have been taken a little further.
The ending was a bit of a disappointment. the entire story built this idea of a great journey undertaken by soul mates, but three of these journeys are interrupted by chance events. I'm not sure if you were aiming for a message or a theme, but for me this went counter to the rest of the work. This great, important journey can be interrupted by chance? I think the ending would have been more satisfying if, instead of a random event, it would have been ruined by some human (or other creature) failing. I did like the feeling of the ending, you communicated the feelings of all those involved very well, but plot-wise it seemed a little weak.
Picture use was good, but not great. The early drug trip used to point out the bright colors seems a little tacked on when you read through to the end. At first the trip seemed strange and vaguely unsettling, but it ended up being more of an explanation for some cool pictures.
And not a big deal, but a little question: if this takes place in Alaska, shouldn't these people wear a little more in the way of clothes? Just seems like they might be cold with all the swimming and such.
Overall, I think the story had some great ideas, but the plot tying them together could use a little reinforcing. Your diction and imagery were a great fit for the story, but the drug trip and the coincidental ending seemed off.
Firelance:
I liked the basic idea behind this story, but the implementation lacked something. It slipped into too fast of a pace, and lacked description that would have made it stronger.
I think the primary problem was showing versus telling. Many of the plot points were told, not shown. Thogar never really developed as a character, since we're often told what he's doing, with no insight into why. When he decides to return to his own village, it seems like a reasonable choice, but one made without any passion.
The dialog had some of the same problems. The characters said exactly what needed to be said, and nothing more. A little bit of chit-chat or feeling would have added a lot. In the same way, the Snow Demon never really becomes threatening. We're told it's horrible, but we never really see this. Thogar gets away with a fairly minor injury, and he escapes by chance. If a swift river can get him away from the beast, how bad can it be?
Overall, too much of the story relied on telling. More description would have made all the difference. Add details and a little more flavor, and this would be a great story.
Speaker:
A very interesting story. I liked the feel of it, your descriptions really made it work.
The plot was a little weak, just because I never really felt that I knew what exactly was going on. The strangeness of the mental connection and the lady becoming the tiger seemed to be tied to survival, but we never really get a good feel for how or why.
The weaknesses of the (intentionally ?) vague connection to the tiger was more then made up for by the strength of your prose. The descriptions were wonderful and vivid, giving a feel for the creature and the hunters. There were a couple of time that the narrative broke into statements as opposed to description that hurt the flow some. Why tell us that "Bengal tigers swim as naturally as they run," when it could just as easily have been described? Perhaps something like "the tiger leaped into the water and swam as smoothly as it ran" would be better, since instead of breaking out a fact you could give a description that enforces the mood.
Picture use was varied: the lady was wonderfully used (taking advantage of the details of the picture to link her with the tiger was a brilliant touch), as was the fire, but the water seemed a little less important.
The greatest strength was the vivid, descriptive prose, while the greatest weakness was the slightly clouded story.
Overall judgement:
[sblock]Speaker takes this round with 2 votes. Congratulations Speaker! Hellefire and Firelance, thank you for writing. Please stick around the thread and post your thoughts and comments.[/sblock]
Berandor
lunatic
Yeah! Now Ceramic DM is really underway! The first judgement is in, and congrats to the winner of a (imo) very close round!
Spoiler for my round:
[sblock]Just so the judges don't see this until after judging mine, but I just had a cool idea for the pictures of Match 1. Should I lose (that's why I post the spoiler), I'll write it up for the kiln-fired thread. I don't know why, but it just leapt at me (like a Bengal tiger, incidentially).[/sblock]
Tired of me posting here? You ain't seen nothing yet, I'm here to stay
Spoiler for my round:
[sblock]Just so the judges don't see this until after judging mine, but I just had a cool idea for the pictures of Match 1. Should I lose (that's why I post the spoiler
), I'll write it up for the kiln-fired thread. I don't know why, but it just leapt at me (like a Bengal tiger, incidentially).[/sblock]Tired of me posting here? You ain't seen nothing yet, I'm here to stay
Bibliophile
First Post
Just a note I thought I'd add about the first matchup now that the judgement's posted.
My first thought upon seeing the pics, and this'll probably become a kiln-fired post, was for a story tentatively titled "An Autobiography of Mr. Mortimer the Brief." The catch? That white tiger is Mr. Mortimer, recently awakened to intelligence in a human world
In any case, I'll post my commentary on the stories so far tomorrow probably ;-)
My first thought upon seeing the pics, and this'll probably become a kiln-fired post, was for a story tentatively titled "An Autobiography of Mr. Mortimer the Brief." The catch? That white tiger is Mr. Mortimer, recently awakened to intelligence in a human world
In any case, I'll post my commentary on the stories so far tomorrow probably ;-)
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