Round 1, Match 2 Judgements
Hello folks.
I must apologize for my extreme tardiness in this judgement. I was overcommitted to different things in life this week. Despite my efforts, I was still unable to keep my committements to Ceramic DM. I could have tried to rush through the judgements but I didn't want to do that. Something had to give in that case and this time it was time.
But I am finished with my match two judgements now. Here is my commentary, followed by my fellow judges.
BardStephenFox
Disillusionment - Berandor
A fine, fine story. I was engaged throughout. And yet another story that forces me to stop and think.
Berandor, I have to wonder why Sharon could not be saved. You established everything that needed to be done to make it happen, but then you yanked the cord. It is heart wrenching to some degree. But then, that was the point wasn't it? And so I quietly applaud you for writing a story that is engaging and compelling and then takes a risk by delivering the message you are seeking to convey. Very nice. You could have tried to convey the message with a happier ending. But then there would have been the temptation to preach the message. Instead, you allow the reader to ask the questions of themselves, and answer them. It was very nicely handled.
Mechanically, I notice a few small errors. Misspellings or strange word usage perhaps. But there is nothing that leaps out at me and detracts much from the story. That is a good thing. At worst, there are a couple of sentences that strike me as strangley worded. Truth be told, I am willing to cut Berandor a little slack on that since English is not his native language.
I really enjoy the characterization. Cassie uses phrases that are consistent with being a wind witch. Her focus on the wind air, little exclamations, and recollections help draw a picture of what she is. These little touches help breathe life into the character.
Sharon's mindscape is a very clever device to draw disparate pictures together. Given that we are on a journey through the mind of somebody in a coma, there is a lot of leeway for what we can experience. It was a clever device. Some people would take this as an opportunity to dump the pictures into the story and get them out of the way. However, Berandor still works to make sure all the pics fit into place sensibly and importantly.
The girl on the trampoline is the object of Cassie's quest. Her bouncing contains a thematic element throughout the story.
The knight with the sword is the overlay in the mindscape of Sharon's savior. I found this to be interesting as there was no particular reason why the protagonist had to be female. Indeed, if the picture was going to be used as a knight, it would seem to make more sense if the protagonist was a man. But Berandor chooses to have the protagonist be a woman, and for Sharon's perception of the person who might save her to be a man. There are interesting implications in the mindset of each character in this case. I like this sort of characterization and Berandor does a good show 'showing' it to us rather than 'telling' us.
The cave taps in nicely with the 'dark recesses of your mind' theme going on in the story. The fact that it provides a circular path back to Sharon being the source of her own problems is nice. Sharon directs Cassie to the cave to find the monster. Once Cassie gets to the cave, she fights the blob so she is able to address Sharon once again. This time, Sharon admits her fear. Sharon, through Cassie's efforts, is able to begin addressing her fear.
Possibly the weakest picture use was the blob. I am not entirely sure why it has to be a blob, except for the fact that the picture has to be include. Perhaps I missed a detail that would have helped this make more sense? Still, I appreciate that Berandor begins Cassie's journey with the smell of acid in the air. There is a little bit of foreshadowing for the blob later on.
I think there are three very good uses of the pictures here and the last picture was well integrated. In the end, I think an editor would have chosen to illustrate the flowers before the blob.
This story has good characterization, interesting dialog, a nice 'setting' in the mindscape, good picture use, and an underlying message that can engage the brain on a different level. I very much enjoyed reading it and I thank you for this entry Berandor.
Andor's Quest - Big Tom
Here we have a story smacking of classic fantasy tales. We have the rightful heir that cannot claim his throne because his uncle stands in his way. We have the weathered old witch providing forced humility as well as advice and a peek at the future. We have the foul beast that the boy king must defeat. In all, this ia a very fun story to read.
Bigtom holds a strong tone throughout his story, but there are a couple of places where it falters for me. "So Andor remained hot and uncomfortable, but stayed alive" makes the story sound more like a parable that the village elders would share with the children. The rest of the story feels like thrid person present narrative rather than third person past narrative. There is also the lesson of the elders in the village when dealing with illusion magic; "but it could not truly defy the laws of physics." We have Andor speaking to witches and listening to Father Owl, but worrying about the laws of physics. While it is true that the basics of physics have been known for quite some time, I never imagined physics being taught by the village elders. Call it my own bias, but it struck me as odd.
These are the big annoyances for me? These are what I am criticizing? These are piddling details that aren't even problems. OK, maybe there is more that I can comment on.
The hunt of the mountain king seemed a bit too easy. Perhaps BigTom was running out of time and had to tie everything up too quickly? That is almost a shame since the story already eclispes the 5000 word mark. (5199 not counting the title.) I admit that a creature that uses illusion will likely be easier to defeat than initially seems possible. But Andor's handling of the abberation outside the cave seems much more clever than the battle with the mountain king. Still, this is ceramic DM and rushed endings are an unfortunate hallmark of stories written in this manner.
Of course, we are dealing with a Ceramic DM story and it isn't possible to discuss the story without discussing the picture usage. How well did BigTom's pictures fit his story?
The witch's spell that took Andor into possible futures was a very clever use for the mass of bubbles! If I were to quibble over it, I think the description of the orbs implied more that they were hanging in space independently. I think an illustrator would probably illustrate the picture in that way. However, the picture does match the scene pretty well.
Unfortunately, Andor's salute with his sword seems almost pointless. I do my first read through of the stories in a pure text editor. Partially because I chose the pics so I know what I am looking for. Without being able to see links, I can look for pure description and judge picture use based on that. I find it interesting that I expected this picture to have been used in the witch's cave. The picture was used in the story, but it does not drive the story forward in any significant manner.
The integration of the cave was acceptable. With a picture like that, the story almost dictates that something will happen in a cave. In this case though, the cave was a destination. To be sure, it was an important destination for Andor. But the actual cave held no significance to the story. Indeed, Bigtom uses the picture at the end of a much more dramtic scene. In this case, it is nothing more than the glue that holds two significant scenes together.
Then finally there is the child bouncing. This time, BigTom uses the picture as the transitional phase of the demon. I had to actually go back and look to see where the picture was used. The problem with this picture is that the environment it is taken from does not easily lend itself to Bigtom's story. This is a pitfall with the pictures in Ceramic DM. There are times when the elements of the picture are too disparate from the rest of the story. It takes significant effort to change the context of this picture to fit BigTom's tale. However, being the picture chooser in this case works to BigTom's favor. As it is, I know why I chose that picture so I probably give BigTom a little more leeway than the other judges might. We will see when I actually open their emails and PMs to bring together all the comments for the final judgement.
Unfortunately, BigTom's picture usage is not strongly compelling. This is an excellent tale with some minor mechanical issues. The largest problem really seems to be that it needs to be longer to feel complete. Still, it is already over the word limit. His story is an excellent homage to the roots of Ceramic DM though. It is fiction, based around pictures, that evokes a gaming ambiance. Regardless of final judgements, I can truthfully say that I think I would enjoy sitting in on a game that BigTom was running.
Saint Michael the Immortal - Bibliophile
Bibliophile presents us with a wonderful little tale spanning the centuries. The battle betweeen good and evil and those involved with it on a divine level. This is a delightlful little yarn that mixes in a bit of history and religion and doesn't seem to suffer for it. Bibliophile also mixes in humor to keep the protagonist a bit humble and provide the reader with small laughs.
I have only read this story in text form, so I have not seen most of the formatting that Bibliophile has dropped in. To be honest, my fear was that dialog would be muddled without the formatting. I am happy to say that this is not the case. The dialog tends to be crisp and clear. However, I can see where formatting for the different voices would be enjoyable. The story is interesting in that it is almost entirely about the dialog.
The biggest pitfall to the story is the picture use. None of the pictures present anything terribly compelling to the story. In fact, each of the pictures could have been removed and the story wouldn't be affected at all. Each of the scenes where the pictures were used could have been eliminated, or completely changed, without any real affect on the story. It has been said that some Ceramic DM stories are like a merry-go-round. You get one, pass through each picture, then get off at the end. This story hsa that feel to it.
Bibliophile, you have a delightful story here and I very much enjoyed reading it. If you have more stories like this, I would have a blast reading through them. You have good dialog in your story and you manage to characterize very nicely. Heck, you even refer to Lucifer as Lucy, I dig that. Regardless of the outcome from this match, I hope you continue to write stories in Ceramic DM.
Comparison
[sblock]These are three disparate tales told around the same pictures. Each of our writers has provided a very enjoyable story. Bibliophile's story is too weak in picture use. BigTom's story is too long. Even if it weren't though, the story is not as compelling as Berandor's. I must award this round to Berandor.[/sblock]
Macbeth
Bibliophile's Saint Michael the Immortal:
First of all, I really like the premise of this story. I'm a sucker for this kind of never-ending good versus evil battle, especially in the form of good ol' angels against demons. It also seems like your slightly irreverent tone added something, giving it a style much like the movie Dogma.
So far this is all good. However, I think the format detracted some. It seemed too episodic, without enough insight into the main character. Sure, he starts off being a bit naive (getting tricked by the women/witch), but he never really seems to grow much. The Indian scene seems to imply that he has grown and changed, but in the last scene he came off much like the first scene. Given this episodic format,t he changes in the character are one of the most important things, and Michael just didn't seem to develop enough. Don't get me wrong, he was a likable character, he just didn't evolve.
Using the formating to convey who was speaking leaves me with mixed feelings. I liked that you didn't have to bog down the conversation with too many "he saids" or "she saids," but it did seem like the easy way out. This format turns who's speaking into a kind of meta-element of the work. It works well in this format, but I can't help but wonder how it would turn out in a bigger work. It almost reads more like a script then a short story. This isn't anything that detracts from the story, but if you ever rework the story you might want to consider changing the formatting so that less information is found in the format and more in the writing.
Picture use was good, but not amazing. the use of picture one seemed a little weak, but the others were reasonably strong.
Overall, it was the tone of the story more then anything that carried it. The casual approach to the voice(s) of God, the very human Michael, referring to Lucifer as Lucy, it all builds a very good feel. I think the very episodic format took something away, as we never really see Michael change, and there is never really much conflict. There's no sense of resolution, really, since each episode is fairly short lived. I think it's a great story that could use having each episode expanded a bit.
Big Tom's Andor's Quest:
When I first read the title, for some reason I thought it was going to be some kind of Boolean math allegory or some such. And/Or's Story.
Anyway, as for your actual story: I thought it was a very good concept, but too wordy. I think this story could have been condensed a good bit, and still been very enjoyable. Too often you use two sentences that could be easily rolled into one, or add words that don't need to be there. It does give the story the feel of a long-winded epic, but for all the wrong reasons. In particular, near the end, when the demon shoots fire for the second time and you essentially repeat the same sequence but with each sentence preceded by 'Again' I felt that a good part could be cut. I've already read this once, why not roll it into a sentence like "The demon shot fire again to the same effect, leaving Andor mostly unharmed but a little singed."
Andor as a character almost came alive to me, but he needed a little more depth. As the story stands, he comes off as a fairly typical 'knight in shining armor' type, but the reader gets the sense that there's a little more about him. If he was given a little more personality, something to really move him out of the stereotype and into the real, he would be a great character.
Picture use was good, but not great. Each picture was used very literally, but without too many details. I feel that what really makes a good Ceramic DM picture use is grabbing some detail from the picture and making it really work in your story, and while all these pictures are used solidly, none of them really stand out.
I liked the concept of the story, and I enjoyed the epic feel, complete with the clever hero who defeats most challenges with his mind. Really it was a good story wrapped in a cocoon of too many words.
Berandor's Disillusionment:
These kind of dream walking stories are a favorite of Ceramic DM, probably because they give the author room for some weird pictures. Oddly enough, I felt the strangest and perhaps best part of Beer-and-door's story was the Sunflowers, who were not even tied to a picture. Usually in these kind of dream sequences it seems that the best parts are the pictures, but here the Sunflowers stood out to me.
Picture use was very good, mostly for the subtext added to each one. Meaning was added to each one, which tied them together, avoiding the disjointed feeling that can otherwise be common in dream stories.
I was a bit confused by the concepts of the dream world. I (perhaps wrongly) felt that Sharon jumping on the trampoline was meant to be her heart beating. In the end when the protagonist tells her to stop jumping I thought this was supposed to be her letting go and moving on, but she still doesn't want to Doctors to pull the plug. Maybe it all stems from the fact that felt the trampoline was her beating heart, but overall I didn't quite get what was supposed to be going on.
The details of the story really made it. The Garden, complete with the rather comical sunflowers, added a good bit to the story. Overall, I felt that the details of the dream world grabbed a decent story and made it great.
And I want more of the conversation with the sunflowers.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Ceramic DM Judgement
Round 1, Match 2 "The Killer B's"
Berandor - "Disillusionment"
A very nice story. Very good characterization with Cassie. Her skills and compassion and her history all come through succinctly and effectively. She comes across as a three-dimensional character, something that is hard to do within the constraints of Ceramic DM. The transition from garden to desert is also handled well, and the bickering of the sunflowers well done. The 'mindscape' hook can sometimes be a cheap trick, a way of shifting location without having to pay the price of realism or continuity. The dying garden metaphor smoothed what could have been a jarring jump from one locale to another. The repeating of the 'fwump' from the virtual-Sharon jumping on the trampoline also ties things together. And the ending -- the story would have worked either way, but the downer ending is a nice bonus.
A couple minor quibbles. For all the effort into making the other characters seem real, the doctors at the end come off heavy-handed. For a story that already has some political overtones, this is unfortunate, and I think unnecessary. Having the doctors and nurses be compassionate and caring would have worked just as well (if not better). A tale with some moral ambiguity is often more interesting than one where the villains wear black hats. Also, the fight with the blob seemed out of place, especially coming on the heels of the garden scene. Perhaps if Sharon had been dying from cancer rather than a car accident, the blob as a manifestation of the disease would have made perfect sense. As it is, it seems inserted merely to serve the picture.
Picture use is at least solid, if not inspired. The girl on the trampoline works well, though more do to the sound than the visual. The blob, as mentioned, seems out of place. Cassie manifesting as a man with a sword foreshadows the strenuous climb as well as the battle with the blob, and it was nice to see the sword put to more creative use. The author stretches things a bit with the ladder to the cliff-dwelling but not to the breaking point.
Big Tom -- "Andor's Quest"
A revenge / coming of age tale. Nicely written, especially at the beginning. The witch is almost perfectly done, wise without being cryptic, assured without being arrogant. The dialog and description are well executed "She had the look of one who kept a nasty secret and was about to delight in the pain its sharing caused." is a great line. Also well-wrought is the scene of Andor's potential futures, as he views his myriad destinies and chooses his path. "He thought to himself that that was a fine thing. "
The brief exposition on the nature of the land and the king of the mountain is effective, and just the right length. So, too, is the Andor's memory of his father's death. A little goes a long way to establishing the setting and the character.
The battle with the psuedo-hydra is well-conceived and executed. A little deception coupled with a little ass-kicking is a nice combination, and establishes Andor as more than just a straight-ahead warrior. Even in a short story, it's nice to see a little character development as Andor goes from the impatient young man to a real hero type.
Unfortunately, the rest of the story doesn't live up to the expectations that have been set. The final fight with the demon is anticlimactic and not nearly as exciting as its predecessor. The tale ends abruptly, as well.
Picture use: The high point is the multiple facets of Andor's future. An integral part of the tale, and a good use of a difficult picture. The burning child/demon/king of the mountain is adequate, but could have been set up better. The ladder and knight pictures are merely descriptive, and play no real part in the story.
Bibliophile -- "St. Michael the Immortal"
An amusing tale of the eternal struggle. Clearly, the strong point of this story is the dialogue. Very funny at times, and the banter between St. Michael and God has a quality very reminiscint of Christopher Moore. It also serves to establish the main character, which is essential as everything else (setting, time, physical form) changes several times in short order. The individual anecdotes are amusing, for the most part, especially the first. The mortal fallibility of Michael is a nice touch.
The downside is that there is no narrative consistency to tie each of them together, leaving the reader to accept the premise without anything to back it up. We get told that there is an eternal struggle, but don't get much sense of it. The recitation of the Beatitudes by the Native American seems a little incongruous, as well, although the point that there are multiple ways to battle the Foe redeems it, as it were.
The conclusion seems a little forced, as if the author couldn't figure out how to resolve such an interesting premise. Given how clever the set-up, and how delightful the dialogue, it was a bit of a let down.
Picture use: Each picture is used fairly well, but the structure of the story prevents any of them from playing an important role or being referenced multiple times. Bonus point for using the ladder to the cliff-dwellings in situ rather than fudging it as a natural cave.
Judgement: [sblock]Three very good stories, and once again each different than the others. BigTom's story has good characters and setting, but is hampered by the rushed and inconclusive ending. Bibliophile's story has stellar dialogue, and an interesting premise. Berandor has excellent characterization and an solid ending, and is a more cohesive story with some emotional impact. Picture use is pretty even across the board. All are strong first round entries, but my judgement goes to Berandor.[/sblock]
Maldur
Ceramic round 1 part 2
The contest with the three B's.
ok, I am proven worng, these three stories, have different genres, different styles, and different feel. Well done chaps!
Berandor
Like your story, it has a nice idea, that of "semi-known" magic, combined with that delightfull twist at the end, makes great storytelling. Im a sucker for plottwists, and the unhappy ending was great.
Big Tom
A more classic fairy tale, several quests, creative problemsolving from the maincharacter (it has an player character feel to it). And a nice happy, and open ending. What I esp like is the feel that this is one story, not a few stories stuck together.
Bibliophile
Interesting take on the arch angels, cussing and carousing through the world, guided by "voices". The different era's made it a bit patchworky to me, but your milage may vary.
Judgement[sblock]
Hard one as the stories differ so much, but in the end, Bibliophile created the best short story, both the other made something that would suit better as a chapetr in a longer story.[/sblock]
Judgement for the match:
[sblock]Berandor takes this match with 2 votes. Thanks to all of our writers and I really hope to see more stories from you in future competitions.[/sblock]
Now to share a little bit with the audience. Since the contestants in this round all have screennames beginning with 'B', I chose pictures that all began with 'B'.
The girl on the trampoline was titled 'Bounce'. The man with a sword is, if I recall correctly, named Ben. The cave entrance is a picture of a cave at Bandelier National Monument. If you are ever in northern New Mexico, I highly suggest a stop at Bandelier. It is a neat place. Finally, the last picture is 'bubble'. Round 1, Match 2, the 'B' round.
