Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
- Thread starter BSF
- Start date
yangnome
First Post
reveal said:One more thing, since I don't want to edit my previous post.
3) This is not a Fantasy story. Hopefully the judges don't frown upon that too much.
I don't think that will be of any concern to the judges. I've noticed that a lot of the time, the pictures seem to dictate the time, place, season, and even genre of the story.
yangnome
First Post
Berandor,
[sblock]
You brought up a number of astute observations. I think I pretty much agree with most, if not all of the points you make. I’ll try to address them one by one to show the reason for my choices.
Indeed, that would have been a good opening line to the story. I toyed around with trying a different opening line that introduced conflict a bit sooner, but couldn’t come up with something I liked. I think your suggestion is nice and simple and would have made a good alternative.
Of course, some of the questions you ask let me know that I might not have covered this theme enough…or perhaps I did cover it just enough. This theme was the arrogance of man. In the telling of the story, it seems as if the angel of death is the evil character, bringing with her the end of the world. The monk makes a stand for humanity. In the end however, it is the monk’s arrogance that brings about the end of the world. His kick brings the fatal blow to the world. He destroys what he originally set out to save. Had he not shown, would the world have ended? Well, I guess that is where destiny comes in. I guess it is similar to the question, ‘what if no one had crucified Jesus.’
As to the question about the hole he put in the earth, it wasn’t this that destroyed the world. I think I was a bit too subtle with this for the audience to pick it up, but his kick shook the world. It shook it hard enough that it destroyed the balance and caused it to fall from the web of reality. This of course, brought about the destruction of the world.
[sblock]
You brought up a number of astute observations. I think I pretty much agree with most, if not all of the points you make. I’ll try to address them one by one to show the reason for my choices.
I agree with this. I’m not very good at describing combat, especially when dealing with epic level fantasy martial arts stuff. Throw the wings of the Angel into the equation and I had a full plate in front of me. I think in trying to describe something cinematic, I slipped out of character. I began trying to picture the fight in my mind, and I didn’t filter it through the eyes of the narrator. I think I could have avoided this mistake had I been a bit more comfortable with the topic I was writing.
Indeed, that would have been a good opening line to the story. I toyed around with trying a different opening line that introduced conflict a bit sooner, but couldn’t come up with something I liked. I think your suggestion is nice and simple and would have made a good alternative.
These are questions I thought about answering in the story, but decided to leave them unanswered. Looking back, I think I should have at least answered why he came alone. Doing so would have helped stress one of the themes behind my story.
Of course, some of the questions you ask let me know that I might not have covered this theme enough…or perhaps I did cover it just enough. This theme was the arrogance of man. In the telling of the story, it seems as if the angel of death is the evil character, bringing with her the end of the world. The monk makes a stand for humanity. In the end however, it is the monk’s arrogance that brings about the end of the world. His kick brings the fatal blow to the world. He destroys what he originally set out to save. Had he not shown, would the world have ended? Well, I guess that is where destiny comes in. I guess it is similar to the question, ‘what if no one had crucified Jesus.’
As to the question about the hole he put in the earth, it wasn’t this that destroyed the world. I think I was a bit too subtle with this for the audience to pick it up, but his kick shook the world. It shook it hard enough that it destroyed the balance and caused it to fall from the web of reality. This of course, brought about the destruction of the world.
Herremann the Wise
Adventurer
Hi Berandor,
Comments within,
[sblock]
The following I suppose is an approximate overview of my 72 hours of pleasure and pain.
Pretty much this whole story was written at work over the space of three 8-hour blocks.
The first block was trying to make heads or tails of the pictures - I had something after about three hours but sheesh were there some confidence issues. Even when I had decided a path and trail through the pictures, I questioned myself whether it was good enough. Finding the courage to move forward with it was actually quite difficult for me. I had an outline but I wasn't sure of exactly how to end my tale. Regardless, time was moving past too quick to get lost. I had to start writing.
Which by the second block I had. I'd written the introduction, half of the opening and the part with Bazreth and the solar dew spider. However, this was really strange for me. I normally write sequentially with the end product completely written as you see it upon the page. However, I was sought of stuck with exactly how to present the Lorus and Orrolo. Time was flying past all too fast and so I jumped forward to write ahead. I'm glad I did otherwise I really would have run out of time. Anyway, it was the end of the 2nd day and yet there was still so much to write. I really wondered whether I'd have to drop out with tail firmly between my legs.
Anyway, on the third day, I really got pumping and finished the final three and a half thousand words. However, the ceiling of 5000 words was so difficult. I suppose it comes back to that famous quote: "I would have written a shorter letter but I did not have time". A quote so true. Anyway, the story was finished so I printed it out like I had every other day to take it home to edit with my trusty red pen. Cleaning up certain phrases, making others a little more accurate and tidy.
And so, with the deadline at 8:51am on a chilly Thursday morning in Sydney, I finally posted up my first Ceramic DM entry.
Anyway, I suppose I followed the same advice given to my from these boards when I started my Story Hour: write for yourself.
And so my style is the eventual product. And I love Jack Vance, what can I say.
Again fair comment. The limits of telling a long story as a short story I suppose is the key here. In the end, it had to become more a tale that did not get bogged down in such issues.
Again, the restrictions brought about by following the pictures dominates here.
However, I hope there was enough conflict to drive the story, between E'dhanus and Orrolo, E'dhanus and Bazreth and I suppose wondering how it would all turn out - I mean, what was "the gift" anyway. I tried to leave this hanging until the end.
I suppose the conflict that I was using to drive the story was a little too subtle; particularly compared to the more standard Ceramic DM entries. Unfortunately, there was simply not the space to go into the more minute details of how or why. In fact, I wanted to keep things somewhat vague in regards to motives.
For example, did the Lorus send E'dhanus because she knew that Bazreth would smite him for his arrogance while Orrolo as a beacon of spirit and portent, would blind the wizard with his significance? Was the gift not only the Dragon's Egg, but giving Bazreth back to his people? There is simply not the space to push these things forward so explicitly. With more time, and I suppose a better writer, these issues could be more neatly folded into the story.
I was happy with my use of the pictures overall. I was dead set scared to begin with though. Here's just a little explanation of each one:
The Smiling Man
As you can see, this is Moses with Bazreth in the background holding his staff. Behind them is the massive twin planet of Iriadeus. As I mentioned before, if you look at "Moses", he is looking in awe, but if you then focus upon his eyes, you can see the fear in them. The reflected sunset in his eyes was also a key. He needed to be looking at something magnificent. As such I really tried to capture the natural flow that was inherent in the image - the best I have seen in my opinion from looking through a good selection of past pictures.
The Spider's Web
I really liked this. With several reference's in the story - "our friend's final message" - for eample, I thought I meshed this in pretty well. It was the portent that changed the mind of Bazreth and gave him a reason to trust Orrolo - at least to a certain extent. I thought of using the reflection in the dew drops more and in fact did although you would not easily find it. If you look closely, there appear to be two riders and so, that's how I had the dragons; with two riders - what the web was auguring to Bazreth.
Ki Kick
Obviously, this had the dominant effect once I knew this was E'dhanus. That would mean that he was more oriental, and so I decided to make them part of an Empire to match with that. However, the distortion in the middle of the image seemed important to use. If you had not noticed, I really tried to suck the last drop of marrow out of each picture using them as literally as I could. His expression, seemed one of defiance, pain and surprise so that is how I used it. The distorted line was the vertical plane of magic that would destroy him.
The Bridge
This was the most general image. However, the winter it spoke of set the entire environment for the scenery in the Empire. Combined with the cloudy background of the Ki Kick, it set the weather arrangements - in direct contrast with the summer-like aspect of the Northern Kingdom of the arid wastes. This is why I needed to divorce those images as far apart as possible in terms of space within the three realms. While this was most likely the weakest use of a picture from my perspective, I tried to have this place significant as the "portal" to Bazreth's magical glade and the dramatic scene of E'dhanus's demise and the discovery of Orrolo's link to the portent. I thought, if I can't use this picture that effectively, it might as well be the place where some interesting things happen.
[By the way, the glade is meant to be magically protected and thus why it is in eternal springtime compared to the surrounding Winter.]
Anyway, Berandor, thank you very much for the critique. I will take on board your comments in either the next round or the next Ceramic DM, which ever comes first.
[/sblock]
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Comments within,
[sblock]
That's fair comment. My writing is shall we say... indulgent, to a certain extent. It's a style thing and I suppose it isn't to everyone's taste. For me, I love words and putting them together in different ways to elicit different effects. Perhaps even, a lot of it comes from the way I actually write. I see a scene in my head and I play it out as if it's a movie and I'm there with my camera. I block everything out and try and see and feel. Then I write.Berandor said:Herreman the Wise, Of Power and Peace
One thing is missing from your story, just one miniscule thing: a word. Couldn't you have put another adjective or adverb somewhere? 4,999 words?
But there's my problem with your story right there: it's wordy. That's not to say your sentences aren't beautifully constructed, as far as I can tell. But you use so many adverbs and adjectives - I was longing for something to be simply the way it is. Just a table. Just a smile. Just a spell. I realize you wanted to craft the atmosphere of a fairy tale, of a time of wonders long past, and you succeeded. I just felt it was too much.
The following I suppose is an approximate overview of my 72 hours of pleasure and pain.
Pretty much this whole story was written at work over the space of three 8-hour blocks.
The first block was trying to make heads or tails of the pictures - I had something after about three hours but sheesh were there some confidence issues. Even when I had decided a path and trail through the pictures, I questioned myself whether it was good enough. Finding the courage to move forward with it was actually quite difficult for me. I had an outline but I wasn't sure of exactly how to end my tale. Regardless, time was moving past too quick to get lost. I had to start writing.
Which by the second block I had. I'd written the introduction, half of the opening and the part with Bazreth and the solar dew spider. However, this was really strange for me. I normally write sequentially with the end product completely written as you see it upon the page. However, I was sought of stuck with exactly how to present the Lorus and Orrolo. Time was flying past all too fast and so I jumped forward to write ahead. I'm glad I did otherwise I really would have run out of time. Anyway, it was the end of the 2nd day and yet there was still so much to write. I really wondered whether I'd have to drop out with tail firmly between my legs.
Anyway, on the third day, I really got pumping and finished the final three and a half thousand words. However, the ceiling of 5000 words was so difficult. I suppose it comes back to that famous quote: "I would have written a shorter letter but I did not have time". A quote so true. Anyway, the story was finished so I printed it out like I had every other day to take it home to edit with my trusty red pen. Cleaning up certain phrases, making others a little more accurate and tidy.
And so, with the deadline at 8:51am on a chilly Thursday morning in Sydney, I finally posted up my first Ceramic DM entry.
Anyway, I suppose I followed the same advice given to my from these boards when I started my Story Hour: write for yourself.
And so my style is the eventual product. And I love Jack Vance, what can I say.
Berandor said:
Again fair comment. The limits of telling a long story as a short story I suppose is the key here. In the end, it had to become more a tale that did not get bogged down in such issues.
Again, the restrictions brought about by following the pictures dominates here.
However, I hope there was enough conflict to drive the story, between E'dhanus and Orrolo, E'dhanus and Bazreth and I suppose wondering how it would all turn out - I mean, what was "the gift" anyway. I tried to leave this hanging until the end.
I suppose the conflict that I was using to drive the story was a little too subtle; particularly compared to the more standard Ceramic DM entries. Unfortunately, there was simply not the space to go into the more minute details of how or why. In fact, I wanted to keep things somewhat vague in regards to motives.
For example, did the Lorus send E'dhanus because she knew that Bazreth would smite him for his arrogance while Orrolo as a beacon of spirit and portent, would blind the wizard with his significance? Was the gift not only the Dragon's Egg, but giving Bazreth back to his people? There is simply not the space to push these things forward so explicitly. With more time, and I suppose a better writer, these issues could be more neatly folded into the story.
If you enjoyed the story, I achieved my aim.Berandor said:
Berandor said:The Pictures
The "gaping smile" is the wizard's servant seeing a dragon for the first time in decades. It's a nice image, but not a spectacular use. The "spiderweb" was very nice, and I think I will yoink the idea of the dew spider for later use. I thought the "ki kick" was an innovative use with the brother being yanked back, even though his demise was so early in the story. The "frozen bridge" was a nice use, but I wasn't quite clear on the significance of the ice, since you write later on that the wizard's valley was always in temperate climate, the threat of winter yet a promise
I was happy with my use of the pictures overall. I was dead set scared to begin with though. Here's just a little explanation of each one:
The Smiling Man
As you can see, this is Moses with Bazreth in the background holding his staff. Behind them is the massive twin planet of Iriadeus. As I mentioned before, if you look at "Moses", he is looking in awe, but if you then focus upon his eyes, you can see the fear in them. The reflected sunset in his eyes was also a key. He needed to be looking at something magnificent. As such I really tried to capture the natural flow that was inherent in the image - the best I have seen in my opinion from looking through a good selection of past pictures.
The Spider's Web
I really liked this. With several reference's in the story - "our friend's final message" - for eample, I thought I meshed this in pretty well. It was the portent that changed the mind of Bazreth and gave him a reason to trust Orrolo - at least to a certain extent. I thought of using the reflection in the dew drops more and in fact did although you would not easily find it. If you look closely, there appear to be two riders and so, that's how I had the dragons; with two riders - what the web was auguring to Bazreth.
Ki Kick
Obviously, this had the dominant effect once I knew this was E'dhanus. That would mean that he was more oriental, and so I decided to make them part of an Empire to match with that. However, the distortion in the middle of the image seemed important to use. If you had not noticed, I really tried to suck the last drop of marrow out of each picture using them as literally as I could. His expression, seemed one of defiance, pain and surprise so that is how I used it. The distorted line was the vertical plane of magic that would destroy him.
The Bridge
This was the most general image. However, the winter it spoke of set the entire environment for the scenery in the Empire. Combined with the cloudy background of the Ki Kick, it set the weather arrangements - in direct contrast with the summer-like aspect of the Northern Kingdom of the arid wastes. This is why I needed to divorce those images as far apart as possible in terms of space within the three realms. While this was most likely the weakest use of a picture from my perspective, I tried to have this place significant as the "portal" to Bazreth's magical glade and the dramatic scene of E'dhanus's demise and the discovery of Orrolo's link to the portent. I thought, if I can't use this picture that effectively, it might as well be the place where some interesting things happen.
[By the way, the glade is meant to be magically protected and thus why it is in eternal springtime compared to the surrounding Winter.]
Anyway, Berandor, thank you very much for the critique. I will take on board your comments in either the next round or the next Ceramic DM, which ever comes first.
[/sblock]
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Herremann the Wise
Adventurer
Maldur said:I did email my verdict for round 1-3, so BSF can go to town with posting them
*gets a new judging stick as I just broke this one against something*
In anger, amazement, frustration or perhaps because it wasn't working quite right?
I suppose we'll have to wait and see.
Gotta be careful with those judging sticks, temperamental things I'm sure.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Berandor
lunatic
Interesting comments! Thanks, guys.
To bridge the time until the next judgement, let's address the newest entry.
reveal, [not a fantasy story]
[sblock]First off, I didn't think the grandma-unfriendliness was out of line. Though when posting here, you might have written "Well, f*** you, too!" That was the only problematic word I could make out in there.
What I liked was that you gave us the outcome up front. We knew bothEddie and Susan Eric and Sonia would survive, so we could enjoy the getting there. Sonia winning the match was good; I doubt she could have been "saved" by a stronger man (the chip on her shoulder, you know? ) - though even silenced guns are usually quite loud, and Fat Jack died very quietly.
One thing I noticed was that Eric thought, "Tomorrow I will die for love", which seemed to be only in there because it's a cool thing to write. He didn't make any preperations for getting killed (calling family or friends, for example), and in the segment after this statement, he's still planning to save Sonia and leave with her. I also wondered where Sonia sleeps, since Eric spends roughly 24 hours in her apartment without her showing up.
Other than these two, though, this story continues the string of good entries so far. I liked it a lot. Thank you.
The Pictures
The "snowmen" is an interesting idea - what a great amusement park that would be, as long as there are no people in snowman costumes prancing about. But to the story, it could be any kind of refuge - perhaps if not for its quiet. The "marbles" were a great idea. Just using it as an art project wouldn't have been a good use, but the explanation was very nice. "Fat Jack" was a good use, but fairly straightforward. Since Fat Jack has an important part in the story, however, the picture is fine. "Sparring", finally, shows maybe the key moment of the story, when Sonia beats Eric and herself in a way. I'm not sure you can block a leg sweep and push it that high, but who cares?[/sblock]
To bridge the time until the next judgement, let's address the newest entry.
reveal, [not a fantasy story]
[sblock]First off, I didn't think the grandma-unfriendliness was out of line. Though when posting here, you might have written "Well, f*** you, too!" That was the only problematic word I could make out in there.
What I liked was that you gave us the outcome up front. We knew both
) - though even silenced guns are usually quite loud, and Fat Jack died very quietly.One thing I noticed was that Eric thought, "Tomorrow I will die for love", which seemed to be only in there because it's a cool thing to write. He didn't make any preperations for getting killed (calling family or friends, for example), and in the segment after this statement, he's still planning to save Sonia and leave with her. I also wondered where Sonia sleeps, since Eric spends roughly 24 hours in her apartment without her showing up.
Other than these two, though, this story continues the string of good entries so far. I liked it a lot. Thank you.
The Pictures
The "snowmen" is an interesting idea - what a great amusement park that would be, as long as there are no people in snowman costumes prancing about. But to the story, it could be any kind of refuge - perhaps if not for its quiet. The "marbles" were a great idea. Just using it as an art project wouldn't have been a good use, but the explanation was very nice. "Fat Jack" was a good use, but fairly straightforward. Since Fat Jack has an important part in the story, however, the picture is fine. "Sparring", finally, shows maybe the key moment of the story, when Sonia beats Eric and herself in a way. I'm not sure you can block a leg sweep and push it that high, but who cares?
[/sblock]
MarauderX
Explorer
RangerWickett said:
A larger gauntlet of smack couldn't have been laid down! I am not cannon fodder for your Arwink to practice with! I am not a stepping stool for your dear friend to use so that he can look you in the eye once more! If I go down, I shall go down striking a mortal blow to whomever the victor is! Should you face someone other than I, know that your victory will be hollow as they will not recover quickly enough from doing CDM battle in my round! Or something like that.
reveal will need to speak up for himself.
reveal
Adventurer
MarauderX said:A larger gauntlet of smack couldn't have been laid down! I am not cannon fodder for your Arwink to practice with! I am not a stepping stool for your dear friend to use so that he can look you in the eye once more! If I go down, I shall go down striking a mortal blow to whomever the victor is! Should you face someone other than I, know that your victory will be hollow as they will not recover quickly enough from doing CDM battle in my round! Or something like that.
reveal will need to speak up for himself.
I'm not going to say anything. I prefer to let my victories speak for themselves.
RangerWickett
Legend
Sweet. Exhaust yourselves all you want. I don't need a challenging victory. I was actually looking forward to grinding Arwink into the Aussie dust.
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