[Attn: Writers who wanna write for Eberron] Plot workshopping?

[your father is]

^Takes mail a week from Canada, so I'd guess two weeks from Europe. If you mailed it yesterday, it should arrive just in time.

 

[RangerWickett]

New, better synopsis.

Eberron - Passage

House Orien, in the last days of the war, used its teleportation powers to steal huge caches of magical treasures, hiding them in a secret location even its own agents knew only by description, not geography.

A short vignet introduces our three main characters – Hawkins d’Orien, a sorcerer who abandoned his house and abuses his teleportation powers to live as a thief; Labeth Porter, a kalashtar woman who served in the Aundair military with her husband, until he died and left her with no one to trust; and Alloy, a warforged paladin who sought a simpler life among the Talenta halflings, but now finds that life hollow.

Labeth meets Hawkins when she tries to collect a bounty on him, but he flees by teleportation. She tracks him to Sharn, to a gala being held by Ghen d’Orien, Hawkins’ father. Hawkins hates his father and blames him for the death of his wife Shela and son Kev, so when a strange warforged is nearly tossed from the balcony by Ghen, Hawkins intercedes, becoming friends with him. This warforged, Alloy, is trying to access records of the dragonmarked houses so he can identify a body he found in the Mournland. In order to afford access, Hawkins and Alloy pursue a bounty on brigands in the King’s Forest, but in the process, Labeth tries to collect on Hawkins. The brigands attack, and the three of them fight together and escape.

They discover a common interest. They identify the mark Alloy saw as a Siberys Mark of Passage, from Hawkins’ own house, and Labeth shares that at the gala she overheard Ghen mention “retrieving the cache during the eclipse.” Hawkins admits that he was involved in a great theft that House Orien orchestrated in the last days of the war, in which he had delivered the stolen treasure by teleportation, never knowing exactly where the cache was. Most suspiciously, Labeth recognized one of the guests at Ghen’s party as an Inspired, an agent of the Dreaming Dark. For their own reasons – revenge, greed, or a need for a purpose – they set out to thwart Ghen’s plan.

They teleport to Aundair, to House Orien’s headquarters, looking for information, and they find a trail of clues that lead them to many smaller caches of treasure. Along the way they run afoul of Ghen’s henchmen, and must seek refuge with a friend of Hawkins, Parison d’Jorasco, who bears the dragonmark of healing. Hearing news from Labeth’s sources of Dreaming Dark activity in the Eldeen Reaches, the group teleports to a planar observatory there, near where Labeth’s husband died. There they learn of a rare planar transit – Shavarath, plane of battle, will pass between Eberron and Dolurrh, plane of dead, briefly eclipsing Eberron from the realm of the dead. The Dreaming Dark are there collecting lingering souls as a tribute, and Labeth fears they have taken that of her husband. The group again encounter’s Ghen’s henchmen, and again they flee, but this time are followed, and though the heroes escape, Parison is killed.

Embittered, wanting revenge. the group pieces together their clues and determine Ghen is planning something major at the Glowing Chasm in the Mournland. During the eclipse of Dolurrh, Ghen will use an eldritch machine powered by all the stolen magic to bring a creature from Dal Quor, the region of dreams, the greatest use of the Mark of Passage ever. It is unsafe to teleport because Ghen would detect it, so, with the aid of Alloy’s halfling dinosaur riding allies, the group hijacks a lightning rail train in Talenta and rides it into the Mournland. During their trip, spirits appear on the train, as if drawn to the Glowing Chasm as well. The train is attacked by a Lyrandar airship, and the heroes are taken captive, to watch the ritual. Ghen does not kill them; in fact he claims he will use the dream energy of Dal Quor to fulfill the desires of so many: to undo the Last War, and create peace. He will use the quori to fulfill his dream.

With Dolurrh cut off, the ritual directs a resurrection spell to call a quori spirit into a body of a member of House Orien, awakening a Siberys dragonmark that will allow the quori to travel between the planes, bringing other quori with it. The body they use is that of Kev, Hawkins’ dead son, long preserved, and at the sight, Hawkins’ spirit breaks. Likewise, Labeth believes her husband’s spirit has been devoured by the ritual, and she despairs. However, the planar convergence releases energies that bend to desire, and Alloy is able to free Labeth and himself long enough to cut the ritual short. Ghen’s attempt to control the power fails, and the severance of dream energy twists the desires of those present, killing everyone except those who teleport away, and Labeth and Hawkins, who had no dreams to sunder. Ghen lies dying, and the quori spirit, animated in Kev’s body, teleports away, needing to rest until the planar transit ends. If it is exposed to sunlight, its hold over the body will falter.

But all is not despair. The spirit of Labeth’s husband speaks to her, telling her to be again the brave woman he loved. She then convinces Hawkins to fight to rescue his son. Tracking him to Sharn, they teleport and face the quori spirit, minions of the Dreaming Dark, and the remnants of Ghen’s henchmen. The fight jumps between the towers of the city with repeated teleports, climaxing at Ghen’s manor, nestled low beneath the towers. But at high noon, the sun passes directly overhead, and Hawkins narrowly able to drive out the spirit from his son’s body before the transit ends. The quori is slain and pulled to Dolurrh. Hawkins is reunited with his son, and he goes to stay with House Jorasco to heal, while Labeth leaves on a journey to find a place to be home.



Is that better?

 

[ragboy]

...is the hero GETTING IT IN THE NECK?

I freakin' Love the way it's written. Like I said, it's entertaining and useful. I wrote a short story using his master plot technique and it was amazing how easily it flowed. If anyone's interested, I can send it along.

 

[ragboy]

So right now I'm getting the sense that only 10 people are interested in writing for Eberron, and none but me are nervous enough to want feedback. C'mon, does no one have an idea they want reviewed?

I'll throw mine in. I have a tentative list of characters and a couple of opening scenes, but not much in the story department yet.

Characters:

Amadi of Mogh - a changeling actress on the run from the Cabinet of Faces

Blau - a warforged cleric seeking his own soul. (no tin man jokes).

Nirav - feral halfling rangery kinda guy. Not much of a backstory for him yet, other than he's a side-kick to...

Gegel - A shifter rogue/rangery type. Not much of a backstory for him yet, other than he's a side kick to ...see above.

Druin Valerei - Hard core fighter veteran of the wars and scarred inside and out by it.

A couple of fiction excerpt possibilities. I can't decide whether I should send the opening 10 pages or some cut from the middle. Both of these are un-edited, so no comments on spelling/grammar:

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
“Yea, though I love thee with all that I am, I will pull forth a gout of your blood should that monster seek my throat,” King Verdis said through gritted teeth.

His dagger lay on Princess Damodora’s white throat and around him, his palace sat in ruins. And before him the ghoulish visage of Saval leered; his pinpoint teeth glimmered in the house lights.

“Your blood inside and out, father. Blood for your blood, from your blood. We are all the same,” the princess moaned.


“A family together in a twisted skein,” Saval gibbered, inching closer to the pair. “One heart pumps the stuff, and one of us will gorge tonight, father.”

“I will let blood, should you step closer,” Verdis said, his voice rising an octave. “I will let.”

“Let,” Saval said, aimlessly. “Do let. Tonight we all bathe.”

“I can make your waning days ones of glory, son,” Verdis said, pleading. “All our lands together…”

The king paused and flushed. The princess trembled in his arms and Saval froze as if under spell. A faint whispering emitted from the curtains at the king’s back.

Verdis cleared his throat and continued, “The treasure of the empire at your feet. Let us go together to the witch of the north. When your mother loves me as I love her, the circle will be complete. We shall…”

“I complete the circle tonight,” Saval growled, crouching as an animal. “This land you speak of: Dust. The treasure: Dispersed on the wind like floating seeds. You are lost. Drowning in your own filth and despair. And without the love you so claim.”

Saval leaped suddenly at the pair with a throaty growl. The king jerked a red sash from the princess’ bodice falling back with an old man’s cry.

“I am rent!” the princess wailed, slipping to the floor. “And to that blessing after do I go…”

A quick buzz echoed in the theater and suddenly a feathered bolt appeared above the actress’ left breast.

“Now, father we dance…” Saval began, and suddenly froze.

The actress playing Damodora shrieked, and the cramped theater erupted into chaos.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Crying Fields...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


“Amadi!” Nirav called quietly from his perch in the dead tree. “Twenty horses. Moving slow, but in our direction. I make them…four leagues.”

Amadi nodded and turned back to her companions, her dark skin glistening in the cold green light of Aryth, waxing.

“Blau, go find Druin,” she said.

The warforged rose smoothly and stalked off without a word.

“Well,” Gegel said as he arched his back. “What’s our plan?”

Amadi stared off into the flat, featureless grass marsh for a moment.

“Nirav and you will lead them further south,” she said, eyes snapping to meet Gegel’s. “Blau and I will get the package to Ghalt.”

“Twenty riders,” Gegel said, spitting in the mud. “Doesn’t seem enough for the trouble.” He flexed his claws, the stiff hairs on his neck rising.

“What about Dru?” Nirav asked from a lower branch. The halfling dropped the remainder of the distance, landing lightly.

“He may be here for a while,” Amadi said.

-=-=-=-=

The warrior slouched on a twisted log in the cold mud, a sea of grass whispering before him in the cool breeze. No other sound rose above the sibilance. Aryth’s light played among the speargrass stalks, flashing here and there on the white bundles of seedpods.

Druin Valerei removed his helmet, sat it beside him, and then pulled off the mail gauntlets. Reaching under his breastplate, he withdrew a silk-wrapped bundle and sat it in his lap, eyes never leaving the field.

“This was our playground, Miyori,” he said, his voice a quavering basso against the hiss of grass. “I’ll always see your young face. Not lined and scarred like mine.”

As he talked, he pulled the knots in the bundle loose, letting the silken wrappings whip away in the wind to reveal a silver flute. The instrument glinted in the greenish moonlight as Druin put it to his lips and blew a handful of mournful notes quickly lost on the wind. He stared at the late autumn moon and played the marching song of the Three Sword Company.

Blau’s crunching gait stopped him.

“Amadi wishes your presence,” Blau said, his voice a grating whisper.

“Why do you keep that name,” Druin said, standing self-consciously as the warforged approached.

“The word is my function,” the living construct said. “I am no other but the conduit of Dol Dorn. Whom do you memorialize on this field of death, Mark Captain? Shall I say a word for his soul?”

“Keep your words,” Druin said.

He looked at the flute, so small in his thick, clumsy hands. He considered leaving it here with the memory of his comrades. Flinging it into that susurrous sea. He slid the instrument under his breastplate and hefted his helmet and gauntlets.

“The dead don’t need them,” he said, walking past the giant steel-banded creature. “And neither do I.”

 

[ragboy]

Overall, I really like how deeply the story is tied to the Eberron setting (and a little jealous...:/). You have all the 'selling points' of the setting, and they are integral to the story, not just tacked on. The main characters are interesting and the overarching plot is definitely epic and has some serious 'pulp action' potential. I'm sure Wizards is looking for just that. The running plot is well constructed and gives a sense of incremental action. I really like the depth of the two main characters and how their past is tied to the current story in very painful ways. The villans seem pretty well defined and their plot is definitely Eberron-shattering. I think the quori are particularly creepy. Isn't there some tie between them and the Kalashtar? To give it to your characters even deeper in the neck, this should be exploited.

I'm concerned that the story seems to take a while to get off the ground (just from reading your synopsis). What I mean by this is that you seem to be adding characters throughout the story. Of course, the story itself will tell whether this is a good idea, but I think the common trend (especially with D&D books) is to have all the characters present at the beginning. I'm also concerned that the story doesn't start with enough bang. If I can make a suggestion, I'd have the story start at the gala and tell Hawkins' and Labeth's backstory through the action at the party. Lots of building action potential there, and the beginning you have seems constructed just to introduce the characters and not to start the story. I'm also concerned that Alloy and Parison are not as clearly drawn in this synopsis as Hawkins and Labeth. You may sell your synopsis short by not having them as deep as your other two characters. And you may not get the emotional impact you want from Parison's death.

I think as you get these few points in line, your synopsis will tighten up. It's a great start though! Again, I'm jealous.

My quick comments below.

New, better synopsis.

Eberron - Passage

House Orien, in the last days of the war, used its teleportation powers to steal huge caches of magical treasures, hiding them in a secret location even its own agents knew only by description, not geography.
Great basis for a story. A seemingly mundane con that turns into some really arcane nastiness.

A short vignet introduces our three main characters – Hawkins d’Orien, a
Love the name.

Labeth Porter, a kalashtar woman who served in the Aundair military with her
Love her first name...

Alloy, a warforged paladin who sought a simpler life among the Talenta halflings, but now finds that life hollow.
Great concept! Don't like the name. But, that's personal preference.

Labeth meets Hawkins when she tries to collect a bounty on him, but he flees by teleportation. She tracks him to Sharn, to a gala being held by Ghen d’Orien, Hawkins’ father. Hawkins hates his father and blames him for the death of his wife Shela and son Kev, so when a strange warforged is nearly tossed from the balcony by Ghen, Hawkins intercedes, becoming friends with him.
Good beginning for the story. Lots of emotional content, lots of intrigue (Labeth vs. Hawkins in a hoity-toity setting...yeah!), and some action icing to get the characters moving.

This warforged, Alloy, is trying to access records of the dragonmarked houses so he can identify a body he found in the Mournland. In order to afford access, Hawkins and Alloy pursue a bounty on brigands in the King’s Forest, but in the process, Labeth tries to collect on Hawkins. The brigands attack, and the three of them fight together and escape.
Not sure if this serves the story, unless this random attack reveals something about the overarching plot. Other than to get the characters on the same track, I don't see a lot of use to this part of the story.

They discover a common interest. They identify the mark Alloy saw as a Siberys Mark of Passage, from Hawkins’ own house, and Labeth shares that at the gala she overheard Ghen mention “retrieving the cache during the
eclipse.”
A lot of this and what follows may not come off as cleanly as it seems. You may need to roll some of this back into the gala scene and then have incremental clues from there. This is 'tell not show'... the opposite of what you want.

Hawkins admits that he was involved in a great theft that House Orien orchestrated in the last days of the war, in which he had delivered the stolen treasure by teleportation, never knowing exactly where the cache was. Most suspiciously, Labeth recognized one of the guests at Ghen’s party as an Inspired, an agent of the Dreaming Dark.
I REALLY like this twist, but I'd like to see it happen, not be told that it happened.

For their own reasons – revenge, greed, or a need for a purpose – they set out to thwart Ghen’s plan.
All great motivators!

They teleport to Aundair, to House Orien’s headquarters, looking for information, and they find a trail of clues that lead them to many smaller caches of treasure. Along the way they run afoul of Ghen’s henchmen, and must seek refuge with a friend of Hawkins, Parison d’Jorasco, who bears the dragonmark of healing.
You may want this guy in earlier in the story. Especially if you want to capitalize on his death. I really like the name.

Hearing news from Labeth’s sources of Dreaming Dark activity in the Eldeen Reaches, the group teleports to a planar observatory there, near where Labeth’s husband died. There they learn of a rare planar transit – Shavarath, plane of battle, will pass between Eberron and Dolurrh, plane of dead, briefly eclipsing Eberron from the realm of the dead. The Dreaming Dark are there collecting lingering souls as a tribute, and Labeth fears they have taken that
of her husband.
This scene can be absolutely spectacular. I'm looking forward to reading it. Lots of deep emotional content and some heady action.

The group again encounter’s Ghen’s henchmen, and again they flee, but this time are followed, and though the heroes escape, Parison is killed.
This I'm not sure about, unless Ghen's henchman are more interesting, or there's a recurring lietenant type that they manage to take out here. Although, like Raymond Chandler said: When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand


Embittered, wanting revenge. the group pieces together their clues and determine Ghen is planning something major at the Glowing Chasm in the Mournland.
Great place for a pre-climax.

During the eclipse of Dolurrh, Ghen will use an eldritch machine powered by all the stolen magic to bring a creature from Dal Quor, the region of dreams, the greatest use of the Mark of Passage ever. It is unsafe to teleport because Ghen would detect it, so, with the aid of Alloy’s halfling dinosaur riding allies, the group hijacks a lightning rail train in Talenta and rides it into the Mournland.
Yeah! Big time action.

During their trip, spirits appear on the train, as if drawn to the Glowing Chasm as well. The train is attacked by a Lyrandar airship, and the heroes are taken captive, to watch the ritual.
I may not know enough about Eberron to understand why this is a Lyrandar airship and why it's important. Is Ghen allied with another house?

Ghen does not kill them; in fact he claims he will use the dream energy of Dal Quor to fulfill the desires of so many: to undo the Last War, and create peace. He will use the quori to fulfill his dream.
Very creepy. And with his own Son!?

With Dolurrh cut off, the ritual directs a resurrection spell to call a quori spirit into a body of a member of House Orien, awakening a Siberys dragonmark that will allow the quori to travel between the planes, bringing other quori with it. The body they use is that of Kev, Hawkins’ dead son, long preserved, and at the sight, Hawkins’ spirit breaks.
You're mean and cruel. Just the kind of fiction I love. Kick the hero in the teeth, then keep kicking him until he says: I've had enough and I'm not gonna take it no more!"

sunder. Ghen lies dying, and the quori spirit, animated in Kev’s body, teleports away, needing to rest until the planar transit ends. '
I like the idea of this scene a lot. A little father-son-father-son emotional stab before the big climax.

If it is exposed to sunlight, its hold over the body will falter.

But all is not despair. The spirit of Labeth’s husband speaks to her, telling her to be again the brave woman he loved. She then convinces Hawkins to fight to rescue his son.
This is excellent for bridging the heroes and the story to the end.

Tracking him to Sharn, they teleport and face the quori spirit, minions of the Dreaming Dark, and the remnants of Ghen’s henchmen. The fight jumps between the towers of the city with repeated teleports, climaxing at Ghen’s manor, nestled low beneath the towers.
Very cool sounding battle and climax.

But at high noon, the sun passes directly overhead, and Hawkins narrowly able to drive out the spirit from his son’s body before the transit ends. The quori is slain and pulled to Dolurrh. Hawkins is reunited with his son, and he goes to stay with House Jorasco to heal, while Labeth leaves on a journey to find a place to be home.
Good final confrontation and wrap up, too. So does his son live again? Great reward!



Is that better?
Much better.

 

[RangerWickett]

Sample

Thanks for your advice and critique. Parison actually is introduced early, and he shows up twice more before the villains off him. I do have some specific cool henchmen in mind, but with the space limitation I couldn't fit in a description.

I intended the jungle brigand hunt to be something like out of Cowboy Bebop - fun action that brings the characters together. I figured I could spare a chapter or so on a conflict that's not part of the main plot. Not everyone works for the badguys, right? Eh, maybe it was a bad idea.

Show, don't tell. *nods* I'll try to describe it better.

It's a House Lyrandar airship because . . . well, House Lyrandar operates airships. I can just drop the 'Lyrandar' part, and assume that Ghen's people just stole it, or hired some pirates.

I will comment on what you posted in a few minutes, but I've got to run to work. I'll post from the computer there. *grin*

 

[RangerWickett]

Ragboy, I'll admit I was giddy with surprise when the stilted drama of kings and princesses was revealed to be an assassination at a theater. It's a great ploy to draw the reader in, but I worry that maybe you go on a bit too long with the play itself. Even if perhaps the action in the play ties in with the plot, a lot of people are turned off by fantasy dialogue of that sort. It's a balancing act to have enough to make the reader grin at the twist, without having so much that it turns people away. Once I realized it was a play, I was like, "Cool. The dialogue makes sense in that case." And I wanted to read more.

For the second part, the trouble comes from introducing so many characters at once. Early on in the story, as awkward as it can be, you probably need to include a few more identifying phrases when people speak. It took me two read-throughs to get a sense of who was who.

The emotional shift is nice, from suspenseful assassination, to tense preparation for ambush(?), to lament. It shows a good range. For the ten-pager, you'll probably want to make sure you fit in some action piece as well.

 

[ragboy]

Ragboy, I'll admit I was giddy with surprise when the stilted drama of kings and princesses was revealed to be an assassination at a theater. It's a great ploy to draw the reader in, but I worry that maybe you go on a bit too long with the play itself. Even if perhaps the action in the play ties in with the plot, a lot of people are turned off by fantasy dialogue of that sort. It's a balancing act to have enough to make the reader grin at the twist, without having so much that it turns people away. Once I realized it was a play, I was like, "Cool. The dialogue makes sense in that case." And I wanted to read more.

Cool. I agree. The play is actually pretty fun and much longer, but I cut it down considerably. Obviously not enough. This was just a bit of flailing about with Amadi's background, mostly. Probably not part of the ten-pager. Still trying to get a depth of character in relation to the setting (unlike you, who've seemed to mastered it). I've spent the morning doing some pretty intensive plot work. So, I'll have something less of a flailing tease to post later. Thanks for the feedback, by the way.

I'm reading your excerpt now. Most of my concerns regarding starting the story are alleviated. I think the synopsis didn't do the story justice, thus far. Still reading though.

 

[Estlor]

Keeping in mind what WotC asked for in the synopsis, just remeber that "what a story is about" is more than "what happens in the story."

Without giving any specifics about my entry, the one line I built my proposal around was:

"You can't go home again."

 

[Pants]

I've got a question for you literary folk.

The one story I'm writing is told from the first-person perspective of the main character, a dwarven PI in Sharn. However, in order for the story to 'make sense' there are going to be some inevitable point of view changes and I'm debating whether they should be told from the 1st person as well, or shift it to third person.
I'm leanng toward shifting it to third person and while I fear that it may be a little difficult, I know that it can be done well (ala Glen Cook's 'The Black Company.')

Any ideas?

Oh, I'll most likely post up a thorough synopsis along with my 10-pager later.