[Attn: Writers who wanna write for Eberron] Plot workshopping?

[Optihut]

I'm a bit surprised that you managed to squeeze that into 10 pages. Be that as it may, it's another solid sample. I particularly liked these lines:

"He pulled out a thin, rolled cigarette, and lit it with a cantrip."

You know that cigarette has got 100% Eberron flavor to it

"“Stupid world,” he muttered. “You’re always taking advantage of my good nature.”"

This line is brilliant, especially since the reader is bound to notice it as it is the last sentence of the sample. Both interpretations - the warforged is the patient sort (his nature) or the warforged is a druid (caring for nature in general) - hold true and that's what makes the ambiguity of it even better.

Now for the weak points (as usual, these observations are imho & ymmv):
The conversation between Hawkins and Parison contains too many modern day expressions, even for a somewhat lenient setting in that regard like Eberron. The most prominent one from the out of place lines would be:
"“You kidding? I hate my god damned family.”"
The reference "god" just doesn't fit - it would be even more blatant, if he had said "Jesus Christ! I hate my family."

I can tell that you were tired when writing the third part as there are a few typos in it:
"Alloy’s a weary carver dinosaur" - the "a" doesn't belong.
"The misshapen, twelve-foot tall, misshapen monster" - one misshapen too many.

I got the impression from the setting book that warforged don't feel pain, much less pass out from it. Logically it just seems to be a trait you wouldn't incorporate into a sentient machine of war (to quote popular sci-fi "He doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear and he absolutely will not stop, ever..."), but I guess that's just a writer's leeway.

 

[RangerWickett]

I can tell that you were tired when writing the third part as there are a few typos in it:
"Alloy’s a weary carver dinosaur" - the "a" doesn't belong.
"The misshapen, twelve-foot tall, misshapen monster" - one misshapen too many.

D'oh. I didn't have those mistakes until the morning I sent in my entry. I did a few last minute revisions, and I remember switching around the misshapen. Apparently I forgot to cut out the original one. *shrug*

Glad you liked it. Oh, and the church of the silver flame has one god, right? You can say damn in that sense, I'd feel. Though you'd be naughty. *grin*

 

[your father is]

Optihut: Thanks for reading my submission. Your comments are appreciated

Wickett: I'm just running out to see the movie "Hero." I'll check out your sample when I get back.

 

[your father is]

Hot, dry wind blew dust off the Talenta Plains, and in through the cracked door of the House of Healing.

Great, evocative beginning. The only thing missing here is a strong POV character. We get one in a few short paragraphs, but I think this would have been stronger if presented from inside the skull of one specific person. It would also eliminate awkward locutions like:

Though only three feet tall, anyone there would have been certain the halfling was staring down at the intruder.

"Anyone there" pulls me right out of the story -- I want to belive I'm there!

The POV-thing is really my only issue with the prose. The story plays out well, the characters competently presented. And you fit so much in! Did you write in Times New Roman?

As noted in a previous post, the dialogue has a modern feel, which I think is cool, though I wasn't so brave with my own submission. I'm not sure if WotC still want these to feel like D&D (ie. medieval) or not.

So... good stuff, but maybe try a tighter POV next time

 

[RangerWickett]

Times New Roman, 10-pt., making sure I used the 'one inch margin on all sides' to its maximum effect.

Good point about POV. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

 

[megamania]

Since I didn't know about this until the 18th, I tried but failed to get it on paper. I did do my 1 page story overview. This is the basic concept-

A team of House Tharashk finders with a growing rep for being loose cannons are trying to stop the production of a new weapon during the war. The leader of the group is captured and tortured. The leader of the bad guys seems to know a lot about him and taunts him about his childhood and heritage. He suggests his father is not really a wealthy merchant from Passage but won't say whom it really is.
At this point the team has tracked them down and charges in causing the bad guy to run for it.
Thus begins a grand chase from central Khovaire into Northern forest area near the demon wastes using a new means of transportation- the air ship. Many attempts on their lives take place and eventually the ship is crashed within the forest.
During this time, The leader and central figure is having dreams and odd sensations. Later, the sensations are revealed to be a Dragonmark forming.
Oddly enough, the bad guy is having similiar issues.
They arrive at the base and battle but once more the bad guy escapes but with the finished weapon. He is heading to Cyre.
A new chase and now the hero is thinking this guy has a special connection with him.
It ends with the bad guy entering Cyre as it goes boom and the heroes are just outside the zone. The hero is convinced the bad guy is a brother or the such.

Follow up-

REAL dad was a dragon marked Cannith member. Each 1/2 brother has developed their talents at the same time and yes- the brother is alive and NOT undead. And NO, the weapon was not what created the Mournelands.

The war has made it that he can not find out what his special connection is. If a second book was okayed- it would be post war time and the brother is back.

Not sure if I could fit it within a 310 page book but I'ld try.

I have some ideas of doing it as a Story Hour or something else special- time will see....

 

[dangerous jack]

I ran into the trouble as has been mentioned before with not being able to send my submission via express mail to a P.O. box the day before the deadline. A lesson learned I guess, and next time I won't keep making edits at the last minute.

But good luck to those that did enter, and I'm having fun reading the submissions on this thread and looking forward to eventually reading the winning entry.

For what it's worth, I've included the synopsis of my submission, titled The Neglected Outpost...


Argentus is an old elf that has fought for more than two centuries, serving eighty years of the Last War in the employ of the Aundarian army. He rose to be a general, but in the year 989 he grew tired of fighting and retired in the middle of a campaign to the Monastery of Orla-un.

A rakshasa from the Demon Reaches seeks to release a rajah that was imprisoned in a town named Delen's Rise to the north-west of Merylsward in the Eldeen Reaches. A demonic seer tells it of a silver haired elf that will cause great problems to its plans. After finding Argentus and several failed attempts at assassinating him, manipulates certain high up members of the Aundairian military to have him disgraced and imprisoned. He raises a small army of barbarians and prompts them to attack southward towards the town, not telling them of their true purpose.

Caryn d'Kundarak is a fighter, spirit shaman, and aspiring dwarven defender. With her badger companion Rogo at her side, she investigates contracts that have been lost since the end of the war. She discovers that Delen's Rise was fortified by a garrison under the supervision of House Deneith and House Kundarak during the Last War, but since the Treaty of Thronehold the contract has not been renewed by any power in the Eldeen Reaches.

The story begins as Caryn is finishing her research at the libraries in Fairhaven, and she is frustrated that her requests for information from her own house are denied. She is traveling back to Varna to discuss the situation with the Wardens of the Wood. On the lightning rail between Fairhaven and Passage, she is attacked by a disguised zakya and discovers its true form after defeating it. As she reaches Passage, Argentus is released from prison and banished from Aundair. Caryn learns of Argentus' disgrace and hears of his near legendary exploits as a soldier and pursues him as he walks to the Eldeen Reaches.

After meeting up with him, she eventually convinces him to defend the town. But not before they are attacked by a group of warforged soldiers that seek to kill the traitor. Among these warforged is a veteran barbarian named Feneter, who once served under Argentus and once admired him enough to etch and paint his head to resemble a skull in homage to the fighting mask that the elf once wore. Argentus manages to convince the warforged and himself that there are greater things worth fighting for.

A discussion with the Wardens of the Wood grants Caryn the services of a ranger named Bader, a cliffwalk shifter ranger. When they arrive in the Delen's Rise they search around, and it is Bader that discovers the seal part of the way up a steep trail to a watchtower.

Argentus takes command of the small town's defenses and organizes its men and women into a force that can defend it. The small army attacks the town and while the battle rages the rakshasa sneaks in and attempts to break the seal. Caryn is notified by her Alarm powers granted by the Mark of Warding and with the help of Bader drives the surprised rakshasa away, although all three are severely wounded. The barbarians are routed and withdraw with little of their strength left.

The seal has been weakened and the rakshasa contacts an ally within the Lords of Dust for further help, but sensing its weakness the ally refuses assistance. It grows angry and impatient and attacks Delen's Rise again, this time sneaking into the town before using its true form and magic to attack Argentus directly, cursing the elf for the failure of its plan. Argentus slowly loses the battle and is captured and dragged by the rakshasa to the seal, which is finally breached. Caryn again learns of the rakshasa's presence, and with Feneter and Bader chases after the demon into the chamber beyond the seal.

Argentus is about to be sacrificed to release the final bonds on the rajah when his allies arrive. While they battle the rakshasa he drags himself to the magic circle that binds the rajah and channels the spirit of the coatl that originally captured it. After a physical and magical battle, he and his allies triumph and the seal is pledged to be re-built and guarded.

 

[talien]

Anything you can share for those poor souls that couldnt go? Please, please, please...

There was a lot, anything in particular you want to know? Maybe this should be in another thread?

 

[your father is]

Just curious if anyone's heard back on this yet.

 

[takyris]

Not me -- and I had the dubious distinction of receiving two novel rejections today. :\ Both took around 235 days (one from an agent, one from Tor), and both got here on the exact same day. Statistically speaking, pretty unlikely. Glad it wasn't three.

Am definitely curious as to when we'll start hearing back, though.