Axioms of D&D

[Dave G]

They're kind of Meta axioms...

If you find a really cool picture that is a good representative of your character, your character will die

DRAWING a really cool picture of your character means his death will be even more gruesome...

Writing multiple pages of background or stories about your character, decreases his chance of survival exponentially...

 

[Kestrel]

I have two...the first applies to SR as well as DND.

"IF you want someone killed, hire the PCs to protect them."


The second one was my players in Undermountain.

"If the DM begins reading a room description, shut the door and walk away quickly"

 

[Ace]

"Never buy shoes from a cobbler named Melkar the Destroyer."

"

Thanks for the Rolemaster reference.
As it happens a rather young Melkar is my non DND iconic and my most requested character to appear in adventures as a PC or an NPC.

 

[orbitalfreak]

RULES FOR PALADINS IN D&D

A)) Paladins always try to kill Beholders, even at level 3.

B)) Not every round floating ball with eyestalks is a Beholder.

C)) Non-Beholder round-floating-balls-with-eyestalks tend to blow up when hit. [see 1ed. MM].

D)) As ((C)) above, but especially when attacked by Paladins. [total deaths so far: 3]

E)) Paladins feel it is their moral duty to destroy undead.

F)) ...Especially when the skeleton jumps on a fellow PC's back and is strangling him.

G)) ...Even when doing massive damage will cause the force of the blow to shatter the skeleton to pieces and cleave (not the feat) into the character's OWN, PERSONAL, INTERNAL skeleton. [kills: 3.5]

H)) Stirges are very difficult to hit.

I)) ...The unconscious party member the stirge is drinking blood from is easy to hit. [kills: 4. Yes, the same paladin]

RULES FOR MAGES (incl. any arcane caster)

A)) 10' x 10' rooms are not safe places to cast Fireballs.

B)) Knowledge of ((A)) does not prevent this action.

C)) Words you never want to hear a Wizard say include "Oops, I meant to memorize that spell...."

D)) ..."Uhhh, the only non-fire spell I have is [looks at notes] uh, prestidigitation.

 

[babomb]

Only stupid people open coffins.

If you spill oil on your beard, clean it off BEFORE you fight the fire-breathing lizard.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Spoilers for Monte Cook's Demon God's Fane.
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A few months ago, a friend was in from out of town, and we ran Demon God's Fane as a one shot. We rolled up some 14th level characters, spent some funds, laughed a lot. Our friend from out of town was an archer - artillery, basically. We had a half-dragon monk, a minotaur barbarian, and the only human of the bunch, my cleric-necromancer of Wee Jas. Our DM had an NPC goblin rogue. It was an absolute blast - lots of laughs. Anyway. Here's part of an e-mail I sent after the game, highlighting some of the events that happened. Again, possible spoilers, so if you're planning on playing Demon God's Fane, stop right there.


What I learned from playing D&D this weekend ("this weekend" being the weekend we played the aforementioned game):

1. Playing and hanging out with you guys is awesome fun

2. 14th level is hard

3. Playing until 3:00 a.m. is fun

4. But much harder when you're no longer 19

5. Sometimes the most devastating thing the opponent can do is suggest that your artillery go home

6. Sometimes going home isn't such a bad idea, in the long run

7. 14th level is powerful

8. But can be frustrating if you don't have 14 levels of history/experience to help tell you what to do/how to use your power

9. New spells invented by famous game designers can be nasty

10. [name of guy hosting the game] does not have half-and-half

11. Not even the third time you ask

12. Magic items are cool

13. Until you run into something that basically ignores their effects

14. Anyone who tells you there isn't much that can threaten you at 14th level has never been there

15. Opponents with AC 37 are hard to hit

16. Evidently, so are broadsides of barns, based on some of the attack rolls seen Sunday

17. Certain levels of exhaustion can cause players to analyze the relative nutritional values of caramel-covered-sour-apple lollipops versus chocalate-stuffed-Oreo cookies

18. There is no relative nutritional value in either

19. It's hard to be a spellcaster when you don't really know the spells very well

20. Grappling is hard on everyone

21. So is jumping

22. Jumping while grappling causes ruptures in the space/time continuum

23. The preferred decorative item of demon lairs is chains

24. Or blood

25. Or both

26. In copious amounts

27. The iron chimera can kill in one round, if it hits with all 5 attacks

28. Demons are tough and do lots of nasty things

29. Like making their Fortitude saves

30. One of the most shockingly dangerous (and lucky) things in the world is a goblin attacking out of sheer panic

31. When you roll up a 14th level character you think its a badass

32. And it would be

33. If you were fighting orcs

34. Everybody's got a ring of protection +2

35. Not that it'll do any good

36. It was great seeing you all this weekend, and we're all as funny (and funny-looking) as ever

Warrior Poet

 

[Warrior Poet]

By the way, my compliments to all of you who have posted in this thread. There is some absolute comedy gold stuff here, and I am having a hard time reading them all for the tears of laughter streaming down my face. Many thanks.

Warrior Poet