Booting a player from your group

[Buttercup]

I've never actually had to boot a player, although I was on the verge of it, but was saved the trouble when said player quit.

I'd recommend being honest but not cruelly so. Even if the player in question has behaved egregiously, you want to maintain the moral high ground. Certainly if you want to remain friends, some things are better left unsaid.

 

[Chimera]

No lies, no games. Just tell him or her that they are no longer invited to your game, and why. Any way you slice it, it is going to hurt them. Be honest, calm and rational.

If it is a friend, be prepared to lose the friendship. Thems the breaks. Keeping a bad or disruptive player in a game because he is a friend is a recipe for pain all around. Better one quick break than 10 years of slowly learning to hate this person for what he is doing to your game life.

 

[EarthsShadow]

the other side...

I'm going to be speaking from the side of a person who has been kicked out of a gaming group, and here is why... I was roleplaying my character to well, if you can imagine that.

The DM of the group was the type that allowed anything as long as it could be explained, it was Frealms, so I played a cleric of Talos, god of chaos. Unfortunately, he failed to tell me that everybody else in the group was lawful and/or good all around, so from the beginning my character didn't fit in. In the process of five weekends I almost killed the group seven times due to being a follower of this god, and at the end of the fifth week they all agreed to put the game on hold. Later, about three weeks later, did I find out from one of the players that they didn't want me around because of my character, and the DM didn't like the fact that I was playing this character that he accepted. Go figure, huh.

My point is that you must be very sure of your decision, and definately explain why you are making the decision. Sure, your going to probably apologize, but if the person is understanding then that's all the better. If the person isn't understanding, well, thems the breaks. But be very very sure that its the decision you want to make.

 

[fusangite]

Well, way #1 is of course to let him see this post to the boards...

However, I just want to stress that there is absolutely no general rule about how to do this. What you need to do is completely factor D&D out of the equation because of course this is not a gaming question at all but simply about etiquette.

Imagine you do some other regular activity with this person. Ask people's advice on the pretense that you're in the same book club as they are -- or something. The important thing is to recognize that D&D is way more like other social activities than we pretend it is.

Generally, there are three categories of action you can take:

1. Disband the group and re-constitute it a month later with a slightly different set of people.
2. Pretend you've cancelled the game.
3. Tell some portion of the truth.

The efficacy of these strategies will be completely determined by what the social relationship to this player.

 

[Gizzard]

The traditional way is to tell the offending player that the group is going to take a break from D&D, then quietly move the gaming night without telling him. Not necessarily the best or most mature way to handle it, but certainly the traditional way. ;-)

The problem with politely explaining that things arent working out is that this strategy is best when both parties involved are mature enough to handle the honesty. But, if both parties were adult about the situation, it probably wouldnt progress to the point where you need to give a player the boot. Or at least it wouldnt come as a surprise to anyone involved that the boot was being applied.

Its kinda like asking for advice on breaking up with a girlfriend. There are lots of ways to do it, and most of them will end badly. But thats just the nature of the beast; rejection sucks.

 

[jdavis]

I am thankful this is never come up, I have gamed with the same people for 15 years and we were friends before that. One of my friends brough a guy with him once that really didn't fit in but he got the picture after two or three weeks. If it is a friend sit down and talk it out, a true friend will understand, heck a true friend would try to work it out. If it is a dude at the table, then just give him the boot. "We the group have decided that we don't like how you game", generally they leave, if it's not a friend you don't have to worry about feelings. Most people don't want to hang around with people who don't like them.

 

[pogre]

I agree with the comments that have been made here. I thought I would share my experiences.

I generally do not hesitate to kick someone out of my game who is interfering with others' enjoyment. I am forthright and come straight to the point. Most take it extremely poorly - I had one guy in his late-twenties break down in tears. How embarrassing!

I almost always blame it on the group's "chemistry" - and emphasize their positive contributions and wish them luck. If I think it is a possibility, I tell them I will keep them in mind if there is a shift in the group's personality.

To date, all of the players still consider me a friend.

 

[Sanackranib]

boot

Chemistry is a tricky thing. if its not there then the player will know it and it will often be a mutual thing, either the player will stop comming or be asked to leave. Don't make the mistake I once did and try to work with 1 bad player at the expense of the rest. I tried to show by example and use patience tp let the situation resolve itself and it would up costing me one of the best gamers that I have ever gamed with. (he got into another game then later moved about 3 hrs. away and I haven't gamed with him since.) there is an old saying "one bad apple spoils the whole bunch" and with players it goes double. don't let 1 bad player wreck your whole bunch.

 

[Ashrum the Black]

I also will chime in on the side of somebody that has been asked to leave. It was a personality conflict between myself and the DM. Basically he couldn't set aside out of game issues he had and asked me to leave,

But here's where my caution comes in. Before you ask somebody to leave discuss things with the person. Perhaps they're doing something without even realising it. I was told that after a break we had had that things hadn't improved and he needed me to go. Unfortunatly I hadn't even known there was anything to improve as he never made his displeasure known.

Also, be honest with everybody involved. This individual asked me to go and stated that everybody was upset with me and wanted me out. Being friends with everybody I was very upset that they hadn't talked to me about this, but I felt it only right tht I at least call and tell everybody that I was sorry for ruining their fun and that I had no hard feelings and would gladly still do things with them outside of gaming. It was here that I found out from everbody else that this GM had done this without talking to any of them and that they had had no problem. This so irritated me, and my other friends that it effectively killed a gaming group that had been around for almost 10 years.

So the moral of this story is that you should be honest, and talk it oout before you ask somebody to leave. Make sure everybody understands what's happening. Don't blindside the group or the individual with something like this if you value the friendships you have.

 

[ninthcouncil]

I've fortunately never had to chuck anyone out of a group I've been DM'ing, and only twice known it in groups I've been playing in - both, oddly, when I wasn't able to attend. Obviously my famously emollient presence was missed In both of those cases it was owing to obnoxious behaviour. One was no surprise - the guy had been getting on everyone's wick for ages. The other was a bit of a shock - he'd seemed a decent bloke but seriously misbehaved one night and came to blows with one of the other players. Drink was apparently a factor; perhaps we'll see him again when he's sorted himself out but at the moment I gather he doesn't think he did anything wrong, which rather conflicts with the story I get from all the other witnesses, and doesn't suggest a quick solution....

I don't think there is any "etiquette" as such beyond normal decent behaviour. Do what you think is right, try to make your reasons clear, don't lose your rag, don't allow yourself to be intimidated. If it concerns an issue that you haven't already discussed with the guy, talk about it first before doing anything final, to see if there's a less radical solution. Sounds simple, but we all know it isn't