I'm glad you're here for a player perspective, [MENTION=22779]Hussar[/MENTION]!
How often do the player's plans go automatically south. How often do player's plans get shot down as well?
From my perspective, there's a lot of plans that work. Spidery ambushes of buildings in a ruined village? Sneaking around a roadhouse while one character goes in and distracts the enemy? Impersonating new cultist recruits? Pitting lizardfolks against bullywugs and neutralizing most of a castle's fighting force? Just walking around an evil creature's lair messing with their stuff only to then demand MORE when she's ready to form an alliance with you?
That your enemies talk to each other (escaped villain from Place 1 winds up at Place 2, lets folks know that there's a band of nosy adventurers screwing up their plans), that rooms often have windows to let out smoke (I don't run from my apartment complex when I over-cook a pizza and the vent's broke), and that a dragon that lives in a giant's castle also speaks Giant are some of the ways plans have gone awry, but they should hardly be surprising. Some plans don't work.
Of course, if you would've hunted down escapees, lit the house on actual fire room by room, or talked Elven instead of Giant, those plans would've worked, too.
It's good to hear you're feeling shut down, because I can certainly bridge that gap better.

I tend to err a bit on "sit and wait" when you're discussing plans to keep that meta-game divide.
But ultimately these don't have a lot to do with the escalation stuff specifically. Those seem from where I'm sitting to live at the level of an individual encounter. Walk in through the front door and trigger a fight in a room with like 3 other exits, and let enemies leave through two of them...what's a fanatical cultist to do?
Disturb a wizard's lair by triggering a trap and are the loyal creations of that wizard supposed to NOT go tell their master what's going on?
PC announces to NPC-of-Questionable-Intent that the group that's been annoying the cult for weeks now is here on the flying castle and the NPC's are supposed to ignore that?
(That one even took a few turns to escalate entirely - there was a whole chain of like three actions where one PC was talking with an NPC, and the other one just hid out and watched it)
Yeah, the group is about as subtle as a kick to the head. But, there's the other side of the coin. Every time we try to do something that isn't direct force, we wind up poncing about for a while, getting frustrated and then combat starts.
It's curious because I'm definitely not looking for ways to shut down ideas, I'm just flowing from where your ideas take me.
Speak giant in front of a dragon living in a giant's castle? Yeah, it knows that.
Try to smoke out someone on the second floor of a mansion with giant windows? Yeah, there's better ideas available to those guys than running out the front door.
Surprise a group of cultists making dinner? Yeah, they're going to just leave through the other entrances to the room.
Hussar said:
Part of the issue here though is that there is no lag time. Scenarios react instantly.
...and that just hasn't been the case, really. Multiple rounds pass for the enemy where they are moving between rooms or down coridoors, or telling folks about what's going on (the most recent scenario involved
three rounds of NPC's alerting each other before a general "OH NO" went up - spent respectively talking with a dragon, talking with an NPC, and waiting invisibly).
It's interesting that this feels like the case, though. I can probably telegraph this better.