[CoC] A Comedy of Cthulhu

[DM with a vengence]

Stark Raving Mad

*Your welcome, a writer always takes a good blurb. Would you like your name on it or not?

Unfortunantly, with John in a mentel institution, they act a lot less stupid. Oh well, that's life.

Stark Raving Mad

While John’s trial was going on, the rest of the party decided to attend a heavily advertised rave in the woods outside of Arkham starring “DJ Twitch and the MGs”. After about an hour of standard techo, where Nikki decided to take ecstasy, DJ Twitch took the stand, and began to play a weird, humming beat that seemed to invade their minds. Everybody except for Nikki (who was too whacked to take an action) ran for their van, where they turned on country-western music at full volume, clearing the rave from their heads.

After a few minutes of discussion, Marta decided to drive the van into the crowd to search for Nikki. She drove the edge of the tightly packed dancing mass, but could get no further. Her efforts thwarted, she decided to leave Nikki there and pick her up in the morning. She turned the van around and everybody went back to the dorm. When they arrived, a strange blue light filled the entire upper floor of the 3-story building. They grabbed their guns and flashlights, and moved into the dorm.

The entire building was empty because most of the students were at the rave, dancing and drugging the night away, they sneaked up the stairway to the door leading into the top floor. Very carefully, David turned the knob. They saw the ground floor lobby of the dorm. David, identifying this as some sort of gate, tossed a few small objects into it. He then went back down and checked the lobby; all of the objects were there. He went back up, told everybody of his discoveries, he jumped through. When I told him he had lost sanity and gained a rank in Cthulhu Mythos, they all decided to go through because, “Gaining ranks in Cthulhu Mythos, that’s a good thing.”

The inside of the portal was not black, white, teal, or any color. If it could be described, it was a sort of gray that was colder than the vacuum of space. Like water, the brain flash boiled as tendril of nothing caressed its outer surface. The gateway lasted for a moment of infinity before they were dumped onto the lobby, shaking. Saquina fell to the ground and curled up in a feotal position, reacting to nothing. Marta put a sweater on her as the investigators discussed their next options. David felt a strange tingle in his pocket, and pulled out the letter that he had recovered from the dead man in the woods. He opened it up, the strange sign and all of the words were picked out in a unhealthy blue glow. Saquina recovered, and they went back up to the top of the staircase and carefully pushed the letter through the gateway. Suddenly….

And the bell rung.

I don’t plan it this way, but right before something big is going to happen, the bell always rings and I always get to delay whatever I was going to do until Monday. Hehehehehehe

 

[Horacio]

Re: Stark Raving Mad

*Your welcome, a writer always takes a good blurb. Would you like your name on it or not?

Why not? Yes, you can put my name

So I was sure they'd have learnt something, but it seems they are still in a rather foolish mood

 

[DM with a vengence]

Happy Dreams

Happy Dreams

The Portal flared white, there was a blast of air, and then everything went black.

The investigators (minus Nikki, who was still at the rave), came to on the landing below the Portal, with painful busies all around. They picked themselves up, checked for broken bones, and then realized that David was gone. Marta ran downstairs to the lobby, and found it empty. Saquina looked up, and realized that the door where the Portal was was back to normal, and the portal had disappeared. They searched the entire dorm for an hour, finding no trace of David.

“Whaaaaa!” David suddenly fell from a height of 4 feet onto the carpeting of the
dorm’s floor. The letter burst into flame and burnt to a crisp in his hand, he dropped it before he got more than slightly blistered. Behind him, a black plane covered the doorway into the stairs. From one of the corridors, a male voice called. “Weatherwax, is that you? Room 325.”
David advanced to Room 325, and looked through the partially open door. Two men in red robes with pointy red hats were watching a small television. The picture appeared to be of a rave somewhere in the woods. One of the men looked up, “Hey, you aren’t Weatherwax!” He swirled his arms in strange pattern, chanting “Fg’rafw Tyn’bxeas Yog Sothoth!”. A bolt of energy struck David in the chest, and he fell to the ground and pretended to be dead. The other man said, “He’s gone, lets continue.”

David opened his eyes a crack, and saw on the television a mist cover the rave, the cloud was lit by lasers and glowsticks from within, suddenly everything went gray. “Good, it is finished.” The first man concluded, standing up and taking off his robe.

Nikki awoke on the field, but it felt wrong. Instead of the grass the rave had been held on, the ground was dark gray dirt. If she looked closely, she could see patterns of lines in the dirt, like blades of grass. She stood up, and took in where she was. The trees had been replaced with columns of granite, wreathed in smoke. Above the sky was covered in a white mist, but peaking through like a hideous perversion of the sky were patches of a black deeper than interstellar space. The DJ stand and lights were still there, but instead of a DJ, the stand was occupied by something that looked like a cross between a giant bird, fly and tree slime, carrying an object that looked like an old camera. Ravers began to stand up and groan at where they were.

“Hello humans.” The thing said in a strange buzzing tone. “I am Srrc’lareth GYO, leader of this expedition. You have been selected to take part in an experiment concerning the nature of this place, which your arcanists call the Dreamlands. Myself and the rest of my team will observe how this reality affects your minds. We will protect you the physical dangers of this place, although you must protect yourself from the mental dangers.” It gave a high buzzing laugh that sounded like an unbalanced electric motor. Suddenly, the trees to the west lit up with flashes of light, and a large arachnid creature jumped into the clearing and ripped a few of the closest ravers to shreds before Srrc’lareth GYO pinned it a bolt of lightening from the camera-like objects. “That is one of the minors dangers here.” It said gleefully.

 

[Victim]

Umm, they don't see to be doing that great of a job protecting people from the physical dangers.

large arachnid creature jumped into the clearing and ripped a few of the closest ravers to shreds before Srrc’lareth GYO pinned it a bolt of lightening from the camera-like objects

 

[DM with a vengence]

Nikki picked up a small pebble from the ground. “I need to get out of here.” She said, drawing a door in the air with the rock. She stepped through, and out onto the other side of her doorway. “Maybe I need one of those warp portal things.” She drew an intricate warp portal just like the one she had seen from the 3rd floor to the lobby. She stepped through with no effect. She then decided to create a set of pencils and pens to make more detailed objects, and a sword and dagger for protection against the arachnids.

David leapt up, one of his Ka-bar combat knives springing into his hand. One of the cultists tried to cast a spell, but David attacked as the cultist was concentrating, and disrupted the arcane energy. The other cultist reached for a holstered revolver, and David kicked it out of his hands, sending it scuttling under a desk. David and the cultist dove for the gun, and David got it first. He fired at pointblank range and blasted a hole in the cultist’s chest. He then whirled up and pointed the gun at the spellcaster. “All right, buddy. What where you doing up here?”
“Yog-Sothoth take your soul!” The cultist grunted, clutching at the deep wound in his side.
“Tell me, or die.” David said, drawing a bead on the cultists head.
“Never!” the cultist screamed in defiance.
“You had your chance.” David fired, the bullet ripping through the cultist neck. Blood and gore covered the room, the carpet was a sea of red from the two gaping bullet holes.
“Awww f’ck. I’m connected with two more murders!” David said, sticking the gun in his waistband.

Saquina booted up her computer and did an internet search for DJ Twitch and the MJs. Nothing. A search for raves near Arkham. Nothing. It was like the rave had never existed.

Marta, Jessica, and Jacob (Samuel’s replacement) piled in the van and drove to the rave, looking for Nikki. The site where the rave was was empty, without a single waterbottle or dieing glowstick to mark its location. As they traced their way to where the DJ booth had been, a man wearing a beige trenchcoat jumped out at them and fell to their feet. “Oh my God! Sweet baby Jesus! It was horrible, they’re all gone! All of them! The mists! The horrible cyclopean eldritch purple mists from beyond time! And then They came. Oh God!”
He would react to nothing, and so the investigators shoved him in the van and drove to the Arkham police station.

“Hello, I’m Marta Woodham and I wood like to turn some one in and file a missing person report.”
“Okay.” The bored night officer said.
“First off, I have a friend at the rave near town, DJ Twitch and the MGs, and when I went to pick her up, she wasn’t there, along with the rave. The only thing we found there was him.” She gestured at the babbling man, who was sitting in the waiting room next to Jessica and Jacob.
“Ah yes, that would be ‘Primo-Greeno’ Dibbler, our local drug dealer. We’ve never been able to pin him down, but with the evidence on him he’ll be going away for a long time. Thank you. Now about that missing person?”
Marta gave the officer Nikki’s information, and they proceeded to a the local occult bookstore, the Arkham Arcanist.

“So what do you want? You don’t look like one of our usual customers.” The goth chick (sluttiness irrelevant to storyline) looked up from painted her nails.
Marta looked at the trio of pale skinned, heavily mascara’ed, psuedo-vampires gathered around a book of depressing poetry in the corner and the wild-eyed gray-haired druid sorting herbs against the wall, and then at her ordinary street clothing. “I’m looking for anything about disappearances of large groups of people and anything about spells that could bring them back”
“Spells over there, but I’m warning you none of them really work.” The druid glared at the clerk. “Except to true believers of course.” She added hurriedly. “Disappearances over there. We also stock supplies for the spells that won’t work you.”
The investigators looked over the books, the most interesting one was about the USS Eldridge

As salty old yarns go, the Philadelphia Experiment, or. As it is sometimes referred to, Project Rainbow, sits atop the rigging of nautical weirdness like a defiant Albatross. Roy Bainton reopens the records. Additional material by Mark Pilkington

The story, as it is usually told, goes something like this: in the autumn of I943, the US Navy carried out a series of scientific tests at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and out at sea. The 'science' involved Einstein's incomplete 'Unified Field Theory' (l). The initial aim was to render ships invisible to enemy radar. At 0900 hours on 22 October, [or 14 August depending on which source you use (2)], the Cannon class destroyer USS Eldridge, (DE I73), fitted with something called a 'Time-Zero Generator' and four electromagnetic generators, was engulfed in a greenish, hazy cloud. Before the assembled eyes of the Navy's top brass, the vessel vanished. Amazingly, the shape of the ship's hull could still be seen as a hollow in the water. Twenty minutes passed, and to everyone's mystified relief, the Eldridge re-appeared.

All was not well, however. Legend has it that some of her crew had gone mad, staggering around and speaking gibberish. Although onlookers could see them, the hapless sailors claimed that they could not see each other, or the ship. Other sailors appeared drunk, laughing hysterically.(3) Whilst in this state of limbo, many men claimed that they had seen another naval port, Newport News in Virginia, some 600 miles (965 km) distant. Another element in this bizarre tale features reports that the Eldridge did actually materialise in Newport at the time of the experiment.

Three weeks later, with a new crew installed, the Navy attempted the experiment again. This time, the Eldridge was at sea, in the company of a command vessel, the SS Andrew Furuseth (4). Another vessel, the freighter SS Malay is reputed to have been in the area and witnessed events. Once again the strange green cloud appeared, watched by observers on the command vessel; but this time the physical effects on the crew were horrendous. Some men spontaneously combusted, one vanished completely never to re-appear, others were embedded in the Eldridge's superstructure, some badly burned and many others went insane. Some sources mention an untraceable newspaper report from a 1944 Philadelphia paper of a brawl in a bar between sailors. According to the waitresses, the sailors "disappeared" into thin air as the police arrived.(5)

Hoax, fantasy, colourful codswallop? Sounds like a case for Anderson and Duchovny. Indeed, Scully and Mulder tackled this in the 1995 episode of The X-Files called 'Dod Kalm' - see panel. But, to quote Longfellow, "Whence these legends and traditions?" To attempt to separate the wheat from the chaff and establish the "facts," the best method is to break the story down into component parts and answer some questions.

From USS Eldridge

“Hey this is an occult bookstore, not a friggin lending library. Are you going to buy that or will we use our mystical powers to stun you and then drink your blood?”
Marta slapped down the $20 price for the book and left, trailed by the two others.

*Marta, sorry about not including the library scene, but I think this is enough for now. Right?

 

[Horacio]

They begin to search in libraries and bookshops, maybe they begin to understand CoC

 

[DM with a vengence]

David put on gloves, put a new change of clothes in his car and went back to room 325 (the room the cultists had been using). There he meticulously removed his fingerprints from anything he might have touched and cleaned up a little. Then took off the gloves, drove to a Carl’s Jr. on the wrong side of the tracks in Arkham, and dumped the knife and pistol into the dumpster out back. He then drove to the other side of the city and changed, then he set fire to his clothing and the gloves and went to the Miskatonic Library to see if he could find anything on fooling a polygraph test and forensic science. The library was closed at this time (3:30 in the morning) and so he sat on the front steps waiting for it open.

Jacob and Jessica decided to go to sleep at their respective apartment and dorm room.

Marta and Saquina also decided to go to the library where they met David on the front steps. At around 4:00, a young man showed up. “Hmm, looks like this is becoming a popular place to hang out. I’m Assistant Librarian Nibbur. Just give me a moment to open up.” He unlocked the library, and they went in. David took off toward the criminology section while Marta pestered the librarian. “Where do you have books on the occult?”
“Down that way.” He pointed, and gave her a Dewey decimal number. “And if you’re looking for occult books, those would be in the restricted section.”
“Can you get me into there?” Marta asked.
“You need a bunch of signatures, the Dean of Parapsychology, Head of the Archeology Department, and several others. I don’t think you’re authorized.”
“Damn.” Marta and Saquina left to take a look at the door down to the restricted section. It was a large steel piece, with five key locks, 2 combination locks, and a small sign over the door. “Warning, Trespassers will go insane and be eaten by Horrors from Beyond the Realm of Space and Time.”
“Great, just great.” Marta said.
“I have an idea, you go check out the regular books, I’ll go have a talk with the librarian.” Saquina said, heading back.

The ordinary occult section of the Miskatonic Library was pretty similar to the books in the Arkham Arcanist. UFOs, Bermuda Triangle, some spells. Marta’s eye fell upon a manila folder stuff in among the books and took it out. On the front was drawn a strange symbol like a wavy pentagram with a little squiggly bit in the middle. Under it was the title “Essays on the Necrocromicom, by Henry Polstrom Loehar.”
“Hmm, this looks interesting….”

“Hey, Mr. Librarian, how about if I do a favor for you, you do a favor for me.” Saquina said.
“What kind of favor… oh.” Nibbur said, looking at her expression.

15 minutes later (hey, he’s not very good.
After making sweet, sweet love* between the bookshelves, Saquina asked the librarian, “So, now can you get me into the restricted section?”
Nibbur stood up putting his pants back on. “The problem is I don’t really have access myself, but maybe if you call the head librarian, he can give you access. Here’s his number.”
“Thanks, can I use a library phone?” Saquina asked.
“Of course.” Nibbur said as his darted around a corner.
Saquina dialed the number. After a few rings, she got an answering machine. “Halt, caller. You have reached the sound mailbox of Elan Nibbur, he is currently on a mission of galactic importance, but will contact you when he deactivates his cloaking field. Leave you message after the laser cannon barrage.” There was brief sound clip of laser and explosions, and then a beep.
“Why that little… I’m going to wring his scrawny neck.” Saquina screamed, looking for the diappeared Elan Nibbur.

*DMs note, this player always tries to gain something through sexual favors, every single game. It seems like her first instinct is not to pull a gun, but to drop her pants. I could tell you stories about the time she became a prostitute to get enough gold for that +1 rapier, but that would upset Eric’s Grandmother, so no.

 

[Horacio]

ROFLOL again and again!

 

[The Furious Puffin]

*DMs note, this player always tries to gain something through sexual favors, every single game. It seems like her first instinct is not to pull a gun, but to drop her pants. I could tell you stories about the time she became a prostitute to get enough gold for that +1 rapier, but that would upset Eric’s Grandmother, so no.

Are any of your players not idiots? I mean, my god, I mean, are any of your playes not insane? I mean we have Chaotic stupid man, and now Miss Love-bunny?

Whre do you get these people

That is still the funniest thing I have ever heard though.

Hmmmm, seeing you tendancy to ensure that the insane nut-bins are getting done over this time, are you sure that you are not out for revenge.

 

[Marta]

Yeah, generally speaking our party is pretty idiotic, but I'm happy to report I have not done anything chaotic stupid or anything like "Ms. Love-Bunny"....although a new saying among our party is now "at least we didn't roleplay it" in response to the interesting events with the librarian....well, at least there's only 2 ways this will end: 1) we all die or 2) at least one of us succeeds...right now #1 is looking more likely...