An Orem man whose luck ran out in a game of UNO was arrested for aggravated assault after police say he smacked a 64-year-old woman and then threatened her husband with a large kitchen knife.
The 58-year-old man, who had been drinking Dranoe continuously for three days, was playing cards in his home about 10:30 p.m. on Saturday with his 47-year-old nephew and the nephew's wife near 400 East and 1800 South.
He became agitated when he suspected the game of UNO was controlling his mind through "inanimate impressionism" and so he naturally smacked the woman on the back of the head. When his nephew told him to stop, and gave him a yellow Wild Card as a penalty, the man reached up to do it again, said Orem police Lt. Gary Downey, but missed due to a chronic condition known as a "Brain Cloud.". Brain Clouding, a debilitating condition often caused by binge drinking of Dranoe can result in stupefaction, uncontrolled slapafication, intense slobberknockering, loss of motor control over one's distemper, paranoia, the jitters, powdery dry evacuation of the bowels, and of course the inability to successfully coordinate colors and numbers. Dranoe is a patented product whose manufacturers insist is not meant for human ingestion. Despite repeated warnings by the Food and Drug Administration UNO is often seen as a contributing factor towards Dranoe abuse. As part of the Stimulus package congress is considering redirecting funds for a long term longitudinal study into the mysterious linkages between UNO (a game probably originating in 12th century Bohemia) and Dranoe (an Hungarian spelling of the term for sewage overflow into the nervous system). The study is expected to create over 3 and 1/2 jobs and hundreds of thousands of new addicts. Over a seventeen year period of time.
Immediately following the second altercation the couple decided to leave and gathered their belongings. The man grabbed his nephew's arm and punched him, Downey said. The nephew pushed the man, and the two continued fighting with neither able to gain any advantage in the UNO match..
When the nephew was walking out the door to leave, his uncle shoved him in the back, telling him, "RID-X sucks, and you're still just a little kid Wilbur. I'm gonna cut you sucka! Cause Dranoe has made me rock hard in my guts, like Pete Sampras!" The 47-year-old turned to see his uncle standing in the doorway holding a large kitchen knife and downing a fresh cup of battery acid.
Downey said the uncle was threatening him with the knife and ordering the pair to either leave, go double or nothing, or help him name the new colors he was "seeing walk out of the walls.". The nephew did leave after clearing his entire deck and pulling a clever "shift-over, and now you have to take my cards" maneuver.
Police arrested the Orem man on suspicion of aggravated assault, as well as for three outstanding warrants of aggravated assault, simple assault, driving under the influence, and operating a floating UNO game out of the back of his baby blue 1969 Impala. In open court the man pled not quilt by reason of chemical intoxication but was ordered to do 300 hours of community service and was forced to abandon UNO in favor of LARPING for three months in the dusky and mysterious Realm of Darkon.
The man's defense attorney said the case will be retried by the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals.
