Dating Myth or Truth?

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

From my wife:
"Women decide when they meet you whether or not you are even worthy of finding out if you are good enough material. As every woman's standards are different, and what every woman is looking for is different, every woman looks at something different. Some things take awhile to discern, others you can tell at a single glance. If a man makes a bad impression, it's extremely difficult to see anything beyond that impression, or believe anything else about the person."

My wife and I met during Desert Storm, and while she viewed me as good enough friend material that when we met six months later at Ft Hood she was willing to remain being my friend, it wasn't for nearly a year that she decided I was marriagable material and decided to set her sights on me. What was she looking for? For someone with what it took to do whatever had to be done, who would provide for, care for, and protect her and any future children. Why she settled for something like me, I'll never know.


From my twin sister:
"We think differently, so we could explain all they want, males still won't understand. I know the minute I see him if I want to bed him or am interested in giving him a shot at a relationship. What it is are a lot of things, most of them, I could not explain to you."

My sister has been looking for someone she considers an equal since puberty, and has yet to find whatever quality it is she is looking for. Sadly, she's right at first glance. She married once, and confided in me that if he could not live up to his potential, they'd be divorced.

She's divorced.





So, do women know at first glance? I'd say yes. Both women I asked said as much. They look at more than just what you are presenting, what you're putting out there, they are also looking at what potential they can see.

If you made a bad impression at first, you've got an uphill battle.

And according to my wife and my sister, the type of people you hang out with DO matter.

 

[EricNoah]

My wife first met me in 1977, when we were both in 4th grade. I was instantly smitten. She was not.

However, my understanding is that after a hiatus of many years when we did not live in the same town, and then we had our first "adult" encounter (no you sickos, not that "adult" -- and actually we would have been about 17 at the time), she fell instantly and hard. As did I (all over again). It still took years for it to all work out with long distances and some on-again-off-again dating, but we're celebrating #11 this summer, so ... I don't really know if I proved a point but it's a fun story to tell!

 

[Hand of Evil]

I will say yes, because I have always been lucky at pick-ups, than true dating but drinks could explain that.

 

[Desdichado]

From my wife:
"Women decide when they meet you whether or not you are even worthy of finding out if you are good enough material. As every woman's standards are different, and what every woman is looking for is different, every woman looks at something different. Some things take awhile to discern, others you can tell at a single glance. If a man makes a bad impression, it's extremely difficult to see anything beyond that impression, or believe anything else about the person."

I don't see how that's fundamentally different than what most men do as well, though.

Also my wife fundamentall rejects the initial premise, and says that she knows women who do all kinds of things.

 

[Rel]

I think the practical application of this theory depends heavily on the situation if not the people. If you are meeting somebody in a bar or club then there is no "larger context" for the relationship. You are probably going to sink or swim on your first impression. But if there is a reason for ongoing contact with a person then there exists an opportunity for impressions to change and I believe they can.

Let me give an example:

I used to work at a fairly small company with about 8 people in it. One of them was a young woman who I found very physically attractive (I was not looking for a date as I was and am happily married. That doesn't mean that I don't find occasion to think about whether a woman is attractive or not.). A few months after I went to work there we hired a secretary who I thought was sort of cute.

The trick was that the stunning woman was also rather controlling, selfish and nasty at times. The secretary was one of the most kind and warm people I've ever met. Six months later if you'd asked me who was more attractive I would have unequivocally said the secretary. And this wasn't a "well, if you consider the total package" kind of perspective. When I looked at the secretary I found her to be much more physically attractive because I knew what a warm, kind, fun person she was. Just the opposite was true of the other woman.

Just to add another wrinkle to that situation, the "stunning woman" had a change of heart later on. She apologized to me and others for how she had treated us in the past and although she remains a "Type A personality" she is no longer the bitchy control freak that she once was. And I now find her more physically attractive than I ever did since shortly after I met her (although I don't really see her much anymore since neither of us work for that company any longer).

Had I met these two women in a bar (let's assume that I'm single and looking for a date) then I would probably have paid more attention to the "stunning" one. But there is no doubt in my mind that I would have been far better off to approach the somewhat cute but totally wonderful secretary.

 

[MrFilthyIke]

The wife and I met online, in mIRC. We chatted for like 9 months. The first time I knew what she looked like was at concourse G in Miami International Airport, Dec 7th, 1999.

(married Feb 12th, 2000)

 

[Henry]

Extrapolating from Rel's and Eric's thoughts, you could almost work this into a general rule about first impressions and human interaction. Remember also that first impressions can happen more than once. Think about the "native son" effect - if you are a total stranger to a place, stay there a while, even as an outsider, then go away, and then come back, people are more disposed to treat you as an INSIDER returning home. Weird, huh?

The same thing or a variant could apply to a woman's first impression of whether or not her date gets lucky.

 

[Turanil]

So, I'm hoping to pick up some anecdotal stories that will somehow militate against the vast body of evidence telling me very clearly what is going on.

My cousin is still married to the girl he met 23 years ago in winter sports while skyiing. I don't remember the reason, but the first thing she did while encountering him was to slap his face...

I have witnessed a couple of times that women who didn't like me at first glance, became good friends thereafter, and I even suspected there could have been some love affair between us once or twice (but I was too lazy to investigate).

 

[ghettognome]

I think it really depends on the situation in which you are meeting someone. In a bar setting, there is totally the need to form an impression based on looks... and the friends that you are with....and of course how you hold your drink (you could be a bad drunk with a cute face).
In other situations of meeting people, the conditions change. At a bar there is almost the need to meet someone, anywhere else it is just a pleasant surprise. Being a female I understand this, though I am not like most of the other ones I know. I tend to judge a person by their personality and who they are more than what they are. I didn't find my fiancee very attractive when we met, but I still got that twinge of excitement every time we hung out. He was a cool person, and now we will be married in August. Of course now I think he is good looking, but it is a view taken on about the person as a whole for me.

 

[Mercule]

Apparently, after meeting me for the first time, my wife told her sister that she'd found the guy she was going to marry. This, despite the fact that a) I was actively (and literally) chasing another woman and b) she was dating someone else.

I'm not sure if this was a draw or not, but the first time I met my wife, I was chasing another gal down the hall in the dorms. My wife stepped out of a door, or some such, between us. I stopped, physically picked up my wife, moved her to the side, and continued chasing my girlfriend. (My wife was with other people I knew, so I was betting on a similar humor, when I picked her up.)