Elven Flatulence

[Red Spire Press]

I mean, is that why elven communities always have to look so pretty? They have to compensate for smelling like a methane production plant.

Maybe that's why orcs hate them so much. Orcs have scent, elves blow noxious fumes out their backside at an alarming rate. Orcs don't want to kill the elves so much as be able to breathe freely once more.

That could be the reason they are seen as aloof & look down on all the other races. They think we are all incompetent twits, when in reality the other races are just trying to avoid passing out from the stench.

Maybe Troglodytes were orginally elves turned into lizard form.

Of course, that would mean elven rogues would have to make a Fort save when trying to Move Silently or 'give their position away with a warning blast'

Or maybe I should avoid thinking when the doc gives me really, really, good medicine.

Good god, I just about spit up my coffee all over my monitor. Thanks for the mid afternoon laughs.

 

[sniffles]

So who said elves are vegetarians?

And what the heck were you doing driving yourself home after a dental extraction?!!

 

[Gez]

Note that well, it's true. Cows, horses, and other grass-eating beast emit much more methan than predators like lions or wolves. A pet rabbit will fart more often than a pet cat or a pet dog.

Furthermore, elves don't just fart a lot, they also naturally stink. According to the Complete Book of Elves, they heal really quickly and completely, sleep little, and yet are fast and nimble, all signs of a high metabolism. In turn, a high metabolism means stronger body odor.

 

[Uzumaki]

Thing is, farts stink largely because of the sulphur content of what we eat, and the by-products of bacterial metabolism. So if you eat low sulphur food, namely most vegetables including legumes, you will fart a lot, but it won't stink as much. Granted, the amount of gas produced might be enough to offset the reduced stink factor, but I don't really care enough to find out. Ask your dog.

 

[kenobi65]

Who said elves are vegetarians? Mine eat venison all the time!

My wife decided, as a fun quirk, to have her elf ranger be a vegetarian. It's yielded all sorts of goofy interplay between her and the dwarf cleric, who's decided to be overtly carnivorous just to tweak her.

 

[palleomortis]

So, Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any of this "medicine" left over, would you?

 

[Warehouse23]

Elven eruptions smell like a summer's day, like a leafy glen, like a shady hollow. My bard is going to write a song about this one day....

 

[billd91]

Two things come to mind:

1) Why would you assume that elves are vegetarian?

2) Even if they are vegetarian, not being human, why would you assume that their digestive systems would produce vegetarian-style abundances of gas rather than having the enzymes and other mechanisms necessary to digest their diets without so much gas production?

 

[Nifft]

My bard is going to write a song about this one day....

"Just like every rose has its thorn,
every Elf has her horn,
she eats some leaves, she eats some corn,
and lifts her cloak from dusk 'til morn..."


Or:

"Sit on my face, and tell me you're half-elven..."


Or:

"Beans, beans, good for your self,
The more you eat, the more you "elf"..."

-- N

 

[yennico]

"Just like every rose has its thorn,
every Elf has her horn,
she eats some leaves, she eats some corn,
and lifts her cloak from dusk 'til morn..."

I failed my save . The spell Tasha´s HL affects me