Elven Flatulence

[Kae'Yoss]

Or maybe I should avoid thinking when the doc gives me really, really, good medicine.

Maybe you should avoid thinking period?

This reminds me of my idle musings about connecting D&D races to real world nationalities (which cannot be posted here), but now I see that "too much time on his hands" gets beat by "too much time on his ands and drugged by the man in white".

Oh, and anticipating what your state of mind is right now, I tell you that elven farts smell a pale reddish green

 

[Bront]

I think this is what keeps elves up more at night. Pondering questions like this (Or perhaps simply trying to not explode from the internal pressure.)

 

[Umbran]

Well, we also then have to wonder about the inner workings of all the other woodland types. The elves are related to the fey, right?

So, perhaps that isn't "pixie dust" trailing behind Tinkerbell...

 

[Dark Jezter]

I've been saying for years that elves stink. Little did I know just how right I was.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

Well,

I'm off the hard stuff.

In fact, I wasn't SUPPOSED to be on the hard stuff, but after 2 hours of the dentist hammer around with a chisel (I wish I was joking), it became appent I was going to need something better than Novicane.

(Thus why I had to drive myslef home (I wasn't supposed to be taking anything 'special', and had noone to call to take me home).

Why are elves vegetarians? Well they seem to be the most harmonious with nature, and I've never seen that much about them haing a bunch of domesticated animals. So, aside from a fat squirrel, plump sparrow, & the occasional deer, I expect the vast majority of an elf's diet is plant related (like human hunter-gathers). Note: Keebler Elves thrive on Baked Goods, While Polar elves have to survive on all the Milk & Cookies their obese overlord can't choke down.

So, if any core race is primarly vegetarian, it would be elves. Vegetarians fart more. Thus Elves Fart more than any other PC race (drugs + logic= WTF). It also appears Elves have really bad BO.

Scene in Lord of the Rings where they go to the elven city should have been: "Frodo look at this! Oh my god! Can't breathe, help...." (Thud) Roll Credits.

Thus we now know elves are a bunch of stinky people who fart all the time. No wonder people hate them.

Other observations while using a prescribed medication.

1. While watching the Hummingbirds fight over the feeder (Nothing could be meaner than a half-dragon hummingbird. That's got to be one f***** up dragon to think 'Can I mate with that?')

2. While watching the 13 woodpeckers (that's an accurate count BTW) fight over the peanut feeder. (You can kill any treant by coating it in peanut butter. It will act as a Summon Monster IX Fiendish Dire Woodpecker spell).

3. Paris Hilton would make a good elf. A really, really, really skanky elf. Who used Int as a dump stat. Big time.

4. Bears do their business in the woods. Elves do their business in the woods. Do elves & bears ever hav that unconfortable silence when they both meet each other in the middle of the pure mountain stream and realize they've chosen the same spot. Do they compare sizes?

5. While hearing about how you can use a Beer Enema to fool a breathilizer test. (Glad I didn't have any beer around here when this medicine was at full effect. 35% chance for found potions to have an 'alternate' delivery system. Would a elf using said alternate delivery system just make bubbles. DECANTER of Endless Water = Cool Magic Item. ENEMA of Endless Water = Cursed Item. Change one word & it goes from cool to cursed. Cool & Cursed both stat with 'C' & End with 'LD'.

6. After this, they devolve into stuff unprintable here or images that a Slaadi would say "What the Limbo are you talking about?"

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Why are elves vegetarians? Well they seem to be the most harmonious with nature

Eating flesh is part of nature.

, and I've never seen that much about them haing a bunch of domesticated animals.

So, aside from a fat squirrel, plump sparrow, & the occasional deer, I expect the vast majority of an elf's diet is plant related (like human hunter-gathers).

Note that an elven settlement isn't as crowded as a human city. They don't need cattle, they can hunt what they need.

So, if any core race is primarly vegetarian, it would be elves.

Nah, I'd say it would be dwarves. They cannot catch anything with their short legs, and they're really bad with ranged weapons to boot. Thus, they turn to the one thing that cannot get away: Stones.

Oh, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now I am convinced that I'm really not that crazy

 

[haiiro]

One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.

Actually, that might be why elves and dwarves don't like each other: both are long-lived races, so there's a natural basis for competition there.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.

U-huh. You see, this is what you get when you try to get a short lived human think in long-lived elven terms. We're just not made to contemplate the passing of centuries. And if asked what we would do with the time....

Actually, that might be why elves and dwarves don't like each other: both are long-lived races, so there's a natural basis for competition there.

No, the dwarves are envious because their long livespan is the only thing about them that's long, everything else is short. And even there, they're not holding the record, but the elves, who live even longer.

 

[Arbiter of Wyrms]

After reading the title of the thread, why was I surprised at what I found?

1. I don't know if we vegetarians fart more, but I can assure you that it stinks less when we do. Meat eaters, when their digestive systems are not too backed up to function, produce some fiendish dire emmissions of legend +5. It's bad! But, then, I guess when you're around it all the time, you stop noticing.

2. Elves aren't vegetarians! Just because an entire race is a lot of namby-pamby, tree-hugging, d4 hit dice androgynous fey-people doesn't mean they have to be wierdoes, too! Golly, you and your stereotypes!

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.

Google: Joseph Pujol

See what you get.

(if he was alive today, I'd bet he'd use his special talents to provide the bass line in rap music).