EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!

[BSF]

Eeralai VS. Winner Match 1 - FickleGM/Dlsharrock
I'm also conscious of the fact that Eeralai may have some issues later in the month regarding time away. As such, if Dlsharrock and FickleGM (and Eeralai) can be on notice that Match 9 (Eeralai vs. Match 1 Winner) will be starting sooner rather than later (possibly within 24 hours of this very post), I'd appreciate it. If you guys could just add a post saying if that is OK, and that you are ready and waiting eagerly for your judgment.

Best Regards
Herremann the Wise

We leave for Massachusetts in about 16 hours from the time of this post. For the next couple of days, we will try to hit the site if we can find wi-fi internet access.

Once we stop travelling, we should be able to find something out there. One of us will post once we have some idea of connectivity and availability.

 

[Herremann the Wise]

Match Four / Berandor vs. Awayfarer

ARWINK’S JUDGMENT

Awayfarer / Ernest Stibman as Penelope Dondelinger in The Other World

Awayfarer’s story doesn’t quite work for me, largely because the arc of the story feels a little too familiar. Fussy Hollywood stars/starlets searching for meaning; people visiting another world fantastic worlds and finding themselves unable to get home until the vast evil is done; awkward and unlikely heroes who succeed and get the girl; all of these are classic movie and fantasy archetypes, and while Awayfarer does a great job of segueing them together I couldn’t quite get a handle on what makes this story *different* to all the others. Thematically it’s a little loose and unsure of where it’s going, or at least how to make the theme resonate.

That said, I do think the elements are there to give this story its own identity, but I don’t think they’re doing the job. The components of the story are acting independently, without relating to one-another, and thus they feel a little forced rather than building upon one-another to create a cohesive and unified whole. A prime example of this is the climactic scene, where Ernest mistakes the stilettos as the weapons for defeating the ogre. In a cross-dressing-star-turned-fantasy-hero-farce such as this the joke makes perfect sense, but as a reader it only seems like it’s happening because this is a cross-dressing-star-turned-fantasy-hero-farce rather than a natural mistake that Ernest should make due to his character. While some are going to be happy to take the joke as a joke, others (including me) are going to be alienated from the humor unless it’s been built-up through previous scenes and we can accept Ernest’s action within the context of his character and the theme of the story.

A great way of doing this would be to continue playing the theme Ernest going for a “manly” solution (like his father would have) and failing; you set this up with the axe in the previous conflict with the ogres, where the brute-strength of wielding a weapon failed and it’s only Ernest’s improvisation that kills the beast. This is Ernest’s chance to accept the Penelope Dondelinger aspect of his personality, to see the good it can do rather than the bad, to make a choice to become Penelope for the greater good, and the happenstance robs that choice of its impact.

Berandor / Make a Wish

A solid and light-hearted story that makes great use of the scene-breaks to keep the tension high. It moves fast, skipping from scene to scene, telling the story and letting us appreciate the humour of a fairy-based reality TV show without letting the joke get old. My real complaint largely revolves around Bill – he seems to be a superfluous filler character at present, but he occupies a great deal of the narrative and the growing frustration Manny directs towards him doesn’t actually lead us anywhere.

Judgment

I’m going to give the round to Berandor, but props to Awayfarer for his story - I always take it as a good sign when I have to work hard to figure out why a story doesn’t resonate with me, and it took me a long while to process why I wasn’t getting into Ernest’s story as much as I’d expected to. Both of these stories were full of light-hearted fun, but I think Berandor’s gets away with it a little better due to its focus and quick cuts.

THE JUDGMENT OF HERREMANN THE WISE

The pictures for this match were a little jangled about. I really had trouble settling on these four, there were three other images that I kept on putting in and out before finally settling on what was actually presented. The first image of a... weird skinny person screamed ceramic DM to me but the rest were loosely selected. Awayfarer has given us a traditional adventure whilst Berandor has gone all reality TV in fantasy land... sort of.

Now the beginning of Awayfarer’s story started well for me and this carried it to about the half way point – where Ernest meets Tarentia. From this point however, the story flattens out before finishing with a little excitement albeit without the strange twist I was kind of expecting. I think with more time, you could have sharpened this section up a little, getting rid of some of the fat and leaving us with just the meat. In many ways, pacing is a writer’s best friend in this competition because it can cover up some of the weaker points that these short stories sometime have. By slowing the pace of development, you make the reader struggle through and so the hurdles for the characters become likewise hurdles for the reader (rather than satisfying packets of drama). Still, there was a lot about this story that I enjoyed. The concept of the story was engaging and the setup of the adventure to come was well done. All in all, a fine effort that you should be proud of.

Berandor has taken the pictures and twisted them in a direction I did not expect – which was excellent. However, I could not help feeling a little let down as I thought there was more that could have been plumbed from the story’s great premise. Not wanting to compare this to a feature length film (but I will for the moment), “Groundhog Day” takes a bizarre premise and explores it from every possible angle in both amusing and profound ways. I thought you could have (or perhaps I was just left feeling that I hoped you could have) squeezed a little more juice out of your idea. You had a fantastic vehicle in the relationship between Manfred and Bill the cameraman that could have explored these concepts, but alas, this came up a little short. Again, given more time you might have done more I suppose, but what this amounted to was a little dissatisfaction on my part as a reader. Now while that was the negative part, I still cannot help but commend you on how well you framed the story. Whereas Awayfarer struggled with pacing, I think you nailed it showing that despite some weaker moments, the whole was delivered in a more focused, complete and satisfying way.

And so I am left feeling that the two stories are pretty much equal at this point when I add everything up – neither story provided a knockout finish that would have normally split them. Image use from both was good without anything really standing out for me (except perhaps for Awayfarer’s Ernest/Penelope). I suppose I have to split the two on this and as such, my vote will go with Awayfarer for the slightly better picture use (but ever so slightly). A real tough one to judge.


MALDUR’S JUDGMENT

Match 4 Berandor vs Awayfarer

Fairy quizshow, now here I thought I read it all...... nice work.

Oddly enough, another story with cameras from awayfarer, though I feel it need some more work.

Judgement: Berandor

FINAL JUDGMENT

Berandor advances with a 2-1 advantage. Congratulations to our competitors for haranguing these images into two good stories.

 

[RangerWickett]

Congrats Ycore! And Judges, thanks for the critique (and compliments).

 

[Herremann the Wise]

Match Three / Starman vs. Madwabbit

ARWINK’S JUDGMENT

Starman / Cycle

Starman gives us a solid story, but for me it suffers a little because there’s no real moment of surprise, nor is the conflict given a context at the beginning of the story. Our character’s don’t progress or change until that last scene, and the set-up sets off my spidey-sense that says “wait for the twist” as soon as we switch to Chrotis’s point-of-view, especially in light of the very on-the-nose title. Worse yet, it actually ends just as the story gets interesting – you’ve provided us with a context for the conflict between the two wizards, and a hook us with a character that wants something that she can’t have. As an ending this is a little weak for me, but as a beginning it would be marvelous – just look at all the dangling hooks you’re presenting me with that I need to keep reading to see resolve! I wish that this story had more time to let itself develop, because I think the world and the set-up have been done an injustice by its brevity, and I think it would be a much more powerful story if we got to see the beginning of the cycle and its progression.

Madwabbit / Untitled

It’s kind of unfortunate that you ran short on time with this, because I kinda dug the direction it was heading in. The voice holds, the use of sensory information to set the scene is good, and the arrival of the floating cities is a great core image. While the dialogue felt a little stilted to me – it reads like fantasy characters making epic statements to one another, rather than panicked people talking to one another in a crisis – there was a lot of promise here.

Judgment

Madwabbit’s story came in late, so this round is going to Starman regardless. I think it would have been a close round though, and I applaud both competitors. I thought these images were actually the toughest to work with out of the first round thanks to their strong default-fantasy-world feel, and both competitors did a nice job of bringing their own individual touches to the settings they created.

THE JUDGMENT OF HERREMANN THE WISE

By the unfortunate circumstances of madwabbit’s tardiness, my vote will go with Starman.

The images for this match were interesting in that they were all fantasy themed. I wanted to see what a pair of competitor’s could do with stories that could exist completely within the realms of fantasy. While this may seem an easier task than usual for this competition, I actually believe in many ways it is more difficult. The genre can be so overloaded with tradition that to come up with something inspired that will hold the reader’s attention over a short word span can be very difficult. To differentiate your story from the hum-drum as well as your competitor's is a difficult task.

Madwabbit has done quite well in my opinion with the short amount that was offered. There was the beginning of a story that could have gone on to be a well crafted piece of writing. I can only assume that a lack of time crippled Madwabbit’s chances. There was the start of an epic feel to the writing and that kind of feel can only be transferred to the reader with a large degree of space (in this case words). As I mentioned before, and I suppose with twenty-twenty hindsight, to try and cut an epic in 72 hours is going to take an awful lot of that 72 hours to do. Anyway, I suppose a thank you is in order for submitting what you had, and a commendation that it looked like the story was going to go somewhere interesting. Better luck for next time.

Starman has done a good job doing justice to the images; quite an achievement when you consider this was done in fewer than two thousand words! By focusing upon the action, bombarding us with rich but un-explained terms and concepts and most of all keeping things tight, Starman has achieved a solid result. The twist at the end with Raida’s attitude to the two sorcerers was OK and felt right given the cyclical nature of the conflict between the two brothers. As an allegory, it could have been pointed in a variety of directions and perhaps this is something you could have pinned down to add further weight to the story. Perhaps the only major criticism I can give is the occasional expression that was overly worded or awkwardly presented. A good effort all the same!

MALDUR’S JUDGMENT

Starman: cycles, love, eternal damnation, I like it, especially the description of the magic, very well done.

Crazy wabbit, where is the rest?

Judgement: Starman, and not just because the wabbit was late.

FINAL JUDGMENT

Starman goes through but a special note of thanks to Madwabbit for not giving up completely.

 

[Herremann the Wise]

And so that completes the judging for round one. Congratulations to all our wonderful competitors for a stellar effort as well as my fellow judges for judging an entire competition's worth of matches in this double-sized Smackdown. To those that did not make it through, commiserations and I hope to see the odd comment or two from you guys as the competition gets more frenetic. As for those who progressed through, I have some evil pictures planned so beware!

Round Two will look as follows (Check the starting post of this thread for up to date and complete information).

Match 9 - Pictures Posted - Awaiting Stories
Dlsharrock
Eeralai

Match 10 - Pictures to be posted - 9:00am Monday 26th May (Sydney Time)
Starman
Berandor

Match 11 - Pictures to be posted - 9:00am Tuesday 27th May (Sydney Time)
Piratecat
Ycore Rixle

Match 12 - Pictures to be posted - 9:00am Tuesday 27th May (Sydney Time)
Rodrigo Istalindir
Mythago

Best Regards
Herremann the Wise

 

[Starman]

Thanks to all three judges for the critiques, criticisms, and complements. I had a lot of fun with it. I had a lot of fun writing it and, like everyone else, was wishing I had more time with it. Just one more hour would have been great.

The genesis of the story started coming together fairly quickly for me. I saved all four pics on my computer and cycled through them over and over just staring at them. I started asking why the two men in the third pic were fighting and then when I went to the next picture which was of a woman, I had it. At first she was going to be a fairy herself, manipulating both men. As I started writing, though, and looking at her picture, I decided to change it so that she was just another pawn in a game. I will probably revisit the story at some point and revise it. I like the framework of it, but it had virtually no editing.

Reading the other stories has been a bit intimidating. The competition is going to be fierce. I'm looking forward to it, though.

 

[Starman]

Match 10 - Awaiting Confirmation
Starman
Berandor
Looking to post these pictures sometime between Saturday Morning and Tuesday Morning Sydney time. I will await confirmation of the competitor's wishes although the earlier the better at this stage.

Saturday evening would be best for me. Sunday afternoon would be my next choice.

 

[Eeralai]

Okay, it looks like we are going to have internet access at our hotels all along the way. So getting the pictures should be easy. If Dlsharrock even wants to start now, that would be fine. Post at will and I will be checking in at least once a day. We are hitting the road in about 16 hours from this post and will be gone for over two weeks. Who knows what I may find for inspiration outside of the pictures

 

[arwink]

Congratulations to all the winners, and commiserations to all the folks who didn't go through. Ceramic DM is a tough competition, both in terms of the contestants that show up and the kind of pressure you put yourself under coming up with ideas and getting the story down. I have a huge amount of respect for anyone who undertakes the challenge and lets people see stories and story-drafts in their rawest forms.

 

[Ycore Rixle]

Match 11 - Awaiting Confirmation
Piratecat - confirmed time.
Ycore Rixle
Looking to post these pictures 9:00am Tuesday 27th May (Sydney Time) and will do so if I can get confirmation from both competitor's before that time.

Ycore Rixle - Is the Tuesday start OK (Monday afternoon your time I think)

A Monday afternoon start time is ok (the earlier in the day, the better for me).

Congratulations to all the competitors. I have read every story and been thoroughly entertained. Great stuff. What a collection of writers!

Thank you to the judges for your comments. I will keep them in mind in the second round. As a first time competitor, I found a couple of things (notably the relative importance of the pictures in the judging) a bit murky at first, but I think I'm getting a handle on it.

I commented on Eeralai and Berandor's stories up above. But I have a few more comments on other stories.

Piratecat - I enjoyed reading "Why My Brother Quit Listening to Rock and Roll." The pacing is outstanding, and if I recall correctly, in your notes you said you worked hard on polishing that. The foreshadowing was also superb. I liked the build-up more than the ending, which was still good. Overall, it definitely makes me want a sequel to see what the title's speaker does after he finds out.

FickleGM - The "Fall in lava" line is super. One of the most memorable lines in any of the stories. Well done. I liked that Bob instantly recognized the demon (he's not one of those dumb characters you root against). But I also thought his reaction was a bit too calm. In the end, I had fun reading the story. I will think of it when I am at Gen Con!

Starman - The first time I read this one, it didn't really draw me in. But I went back over it, and I was able to pick up on it. I like the Ouroboros theme, and I felt for the characters stuck in their cycle.

Rodrigo - I didn't find the main character sympathetic until the last line. Then it was like, "Oh yeah, ok, that's a good one." That was well done. Reminds me of Millay's sonnet "Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink."

RangerWickett - I liked the consistent use of symbolism, and your theme of artifice (music) vs. nature (evil, the storm) resonated with me. The poem was excellent as both an example of language even more artificial than prose and as language that is most like music; it scored on one of your major themes. "The Saints Go Marching In," played by the cell phone (a perfect example of techonology married to music), was another pitch-perfect choice. I love literary writing. Your story reminded me of Robert Frost when he was asked by someone about whether or not he thought of such mundane things as meter and metonymy when he wrote his beautiful poems ("Think of 'em? I RELISH 'em!"). You clearly relish literature, and it was a feast for the reader as well.