WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
Man, I wish I would have thought of that...nice.Rodrigo Istalindir said:
ENW Short Story Smackdown Summer 07 (Winner Announced)
- Thread starter Rodrigo Istalindir
- Start date
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 1 Match 2 -- yangome vs Toras
Round 1 Match 2 -- yangnome vs Toras
Rodrigo
yangnome -- Excellent, excellent start here. You start with something already 'out there' and then slap the reader upside the head with the surprise -- God as dog. Very well done, too, the way you messed with Christian dogma (heh - I made a funny) and turned things inside-out a bit. The tone is spot on, and the writing and pacing perfect throughout the setup.
Unfortunately, cracks start to show in the meat of the story. You were careful to use 'Lucy' in the opening, but slip and change to 'Luci', ruining what surprise their remained in the revelation. The jargon-y reference to an 'S&G' run was clever, especially so since you left the reader to puzzle it out instead of ruining it with exposition. But if the protagonist is supposed to be God's hot-shot troubleshooter, that doesn't come through. He seems like a fish out of water, rather than someone experienced in dealing with these things. I was expecting at least a heavenly A-Team type thing and was disapointed. I was also a bit puzzled by the ending. Moving the 'dog' revelation to the conclusion would have helped, I think -- given the reader something more memorable hang on at the end at least.
Picture use was ok but no more. God as dog was central to the story, although the sunglasses seem a bit tacked on. Referring to God 'cheating' by wearing shades to prevent any tells would have been stronger, especially if you left the reveal till the end. Punk on a ledge was a bit weak, I thought. The dragon reference seemed backward, to me, and the 'angels as dragonspawn' made it worse rather than better. Lucifer and the demon were merely average, as they popped into and out of the story so quick, the elements of the picture serve as window=dressing instead of something more significant.
Toras -- I'm starting to think we should warn contestants away from cyberspace themed stories. They are very, very hard to pull off in this competition -- I can think of only one that really worked. The mplexity of Ceramic DM is supposed to be the integration of the truly wierd disparate elements, but anything can represent anything in cyberspace. The picture use almost invariably suffers, as it becomes too easy to just plop something in without the other tendrils of the story supporting and 'selling' it. This seems more like a small piece of a bigger tale. Elements are introduced and resolved too quickly, with little suspense.
There is something about the tone that is appealing, though. A mix of noir-detective with cyberpunk, it shows a great deal of promise. A somewhat longer story that gave those a chance to mature would be welcome. Let the reader bask in the dissonance of the high- and low-tech.
Picture use is overall pretty weak. The best is the lady of the underworld, as you captured some of the dark and twisted elements of the picture well. Peabody gets a laugh at least for the name, but there is only a passing reference to his being a dog, and no reason given as to why. The punk on the ledge seems perfunctory, as the story stops before it can be more than a placeholder.
Decision for yangnome.
Herremann the Wise
This second match-up seems to me to have one underlying theme; both our competitors have in their own way felt the time pressure of writing. The question is who has dealt with this the best?
Toras’s entry has taken the cyber route and on the whole, I was satisfied with the thematic treatment although less so with the actual story and development. There was a good sense of rambling, going to this place and then that place that moved the story along, but for all the positives this movement had, it covered up a significant lack of
tension. Everyone has the answers without any sense of difficulty. There’s no twist, with the ending almost missing. It was like having the final confrontation and then the film projector stopped working. As I said, I think time constraints told more so than anything here and being the first round, I’ll tip my hat to anyone who competes. I liked what this entry was trying to do but unfortunately, some important structural elements were missing.
As for picture use, everything gets a nod but nothing stands out as ingenious or superb. This was a solid first round use of images but nothing to get too excited about. I will certainly commend you though for coherently using such a diverse rambling of image genres in the one short piece.
Yangnome is fresh out of winning and judging and now he returns to the hot seat with a really solid entry. About the only thing that stood out to me as slightly askew was the rescue mission. It felt slightly clipped, a fraction too simple. The initial premise is fantastic and I thought we were in for a really strong entry. In the end, it was “only” strong (but still obviously highly enjoyable). While the religious references skirt the EN World fine line, the premise behind them was very well done. There were so many mild chuckle moments throughout the story that I cannot help but say I was impressed.
In truth, the picture use for me was ok... good even but certainly not great. The black Labrador “dog/god” was clever and the standout of the series. The witch and draconic lead were OK but not the strongest.
On the whole I really enjoyed this and aside from the simplified rescue I thought it excellent. I’ll give the match to Yangnome here but with a note of commendation to Toras for the effort.
maxfieldjadenfox
Yangnome has given us a story of a capricious God who sends his draconic angels to earth on suicide missions. God as dog appealed to me on many levels. The devil as a woman... not so much.
Card game, nice metaphor. And Sodom and Gomorra happening over and over on different planets with pretty much the same result every time is pretty sinister. I felt like the ending was a little abrupt, and I was confused by it. Were the fireworks what was happening on earth, Lot's wife becoming a pillar of salt and all? You say the sky opened up, and then God/dog is looking at the sky, is it the same sky? There were some tasty bits in this story, and I thought the picture use was pretty strong. Zarthoot deserves a picture. If I can ever wrap my head around what he looks like, I might just produce one.
Toras has given us a kind of cyber cloak and dagger adventure, with a decent set up and some nice ideas, but it feels more like an outline than a story. There just isn't enough "there" there. The picture use feels a bit forced, and the answers feel a little simple and pat.
Toras, you did the thing that makes me craziest in your story, you kept changing tenses. Is the action happening now, or did it happen then? There are a lot of typos and misspellings as well. While these aren't fatal in a good tale, they are really distracting and take me out of the story. It seems as if you know the world you're writing in well, I'd just like to see a little more of it, and while I know how challenging it is to write one of these in 72 hours, (been there, done that, got the ugly t-shirt) I think it's imperative that you check the spelling and read the piece over a couple of times for typos and to make sure you're not leaving out words, being repetitive in your phrases, and such.
My warhammer is ramping up the noise again. I worry what will happen in the round that only has one competitor. Will it just keep screaming til it gets blood? I wonder if somebody has some sort of resurrection spell in case one of the squashed competitors needs to come back for another round. I wonder if the headache from this noise will ever completely go away. I reach out my hand, and the hammer flies into it once again. It's like it can read my mind. Yangnome gets my vote to advance. Sorry, Toras, this time you were edged out, but keep writing, there was some good stuff in there. Crunch.
yangnome advances, 3-0
Round 1 Match 2 -- yangnome vs Toras
Rodrigo
yangnome -- Excellent, excellent start here. You start with something already 'out there' and then slap the reader upside the head with the surprise -- God as dog. Very well done, too, the way you messed with Christian dogma (heh - I made a funny) and turned things inside-out a bit. The tone is spot on, and the writing and pacing perfect throughout the setup.
Unfortunately, cracks start to show in the meat of the story. You were careful to use 'Lucy' in the opening, but slip and change to 'Luci', ruining what surprise their remained in the revelation. The jargon-y reference to an 'S&G' run was clever, especially so since you left the reader to puzzle it out instead of ruining it with exposition. But if the protagonist is supposed to be God's hot-shot troubleshooter, that doesn't come through. He seems like a fish out of water, rather than someone experienced in dealing with these things. I was expecting at least a heavenly A-Team type thing and was disapointed. I was also a bit puzzled by the ending. Moving the 'dog' revelation to the conclusion would have helped, I think -- given the reader something more memorable hang on at the end at least.
Picture use was ok but no more. God as dog was central to the story, although the sunglasses seem a bit tacked on. Referring to God 'cheating' by wearing shades to prevent any tells would have been stronger, especially if you left the reveal till the end. Punk on a ledge was a bit weak, I thought. The dragon reference seemed backward, to me, and the 'angels as dragonspawn' made it worse rather than better. Lucifer and the demon were merely average, as they popped into and out of the story so quick, the elements of the picture serve as window=dressing instead of something more significant.
Toras -- I'm starting to think we should warn contestants away from cyberspace themed stories. They are very, very hard to pull off in this competition -- I can think of only one that really worked. The mplexity of Ceramic DM is supposed to be the integration of the truly wierd disparate elements, but anything can represent anything in cyberspace. The picture use almost invariably suffers, as it becomes too easy to just plop something in without the other tendrils of the story supporting and 'selling' it. This seems more like a small piece of a bigger tale. Elements are introduced and resolved too quickly, with little suspense.
There is something about the tone that is appealing, though. A mix of noir-detective with cyberpunk, it shows a great deal of promise. A somewhat longer story that gave those a chance to mature would be welcome. Let the reader bask in the dissonance of the high- and low-tech.
Picture use is overall pretty weak. The best is the lady of the underworld, as you captured some of the dark and twisted elements of the picture well. Peabody gets a laugh at least for the name, but there is only a passing reference to his being a dog, and no reason given as to why. The punk on the ledge seems perfunctory, as the story stops before it can be more than a placeholder.
Decision for yangnome.
Herremann the Wise
This second match-up seems to me to have one underlying theme; both our competitors have in their own way felt the time pressure of writing. The question is who has dealt with this the best?
Toras’s entry has taken the cyber route and on the whole, I was satisfied with the thematic treatment although less so with the actual story and development. There was a good sense of rambling, going to this place and then that place that moved the story along, but for all the positives this movement had, it covered up a significant lack of
tension. Everyone has the answers without any sense of difficulty. There’s no twist, with the ending almost missing. It was like having the final confrontation and then the film projector stopped working. As I said, I think time constraints told more so than anything here and being the first round, I’ll tip my hat to anyone who competes. I liked what this entry was trying to do but unfortunately, some important structural elements were missing.
As for picture use, everything gets a nod but nothing stands out as ingenious or superb. This was a solid first round use of images but nothing to get too excited about. I will certainly commend you though for coherently using such a diverse rambling of image genres in the one short piece.
Yangnome is fresh out of winning and judging and now he returns to the hot seat with a really solid entry. About the only thing that stood out to me as slightly askew was the rescue mission. It felt slightly clipped, a fraction too simple. The initial premise is fantastic and I thought we were in for a really strong entry. In the end, it was “only” strong (but still obviously highly enjoyable). While the religious references skirt the EN World fine line, the premise behind them was very well done. There were so many mild chuckle moments throughout the story that I cannot help but say I was impressed.
In truth, the picture use for me was ok... good even but certainly not great. The black Labrador “dog/god” was clever and the standout of the series. The witch and draconic lead were OK but not the strongest.
On the whole I really enjoyed this and aside from the simplified rescue I thought it excellent. I’ll give the match to Yangnome here but with a note of commendation to Toras for the effort.
maxfieldjadenfox
Yangnome has given us a story of a capricious God who sends his draconic angels to earth on suicide missions. God as dog appealed to me on many levels. The devil as a woman... not so much.
Card game, nice metaphor. And Sodom and Gomorra happening over and over on different planets with pretty much the same result every time is pretty sinister. I felt like the ending was a little abrupt, and I was confused by it. Were the fireworks what was happening on earth, Lot's wife becoming a pillar of salt and all? You say the sky opened up, and then God/dog is looking at the sky, is it the same sky? There were some tasty bits in this story, and I thought the picture use was pretty strong. Zarthoot deserves a picture. If I can ever wrap my head around what he looks like, I might just produce one.Toras has given us a kind of cyber cloak and dagger adventure, with a decent set up and some nice ideas, but it feels more like an outline than a story. There just isn't enough "there" there. The picture use feels a bit forced, and the answers feel a little simple and pat.
Toras, you did the thing that makes me craziest in your story, you kept changing tenses. Is the action happening now, or did it happen then? There are a lot of typos and misspellings as well. While these aren't fatal in a good tale, they are really distracting and take me out of the story. It seems as if you know the world you're writing in well, I'd just like to see a little more of it, and while I know how challenging it is to write one of these in 72 hours, (been there, done that, got the ugly t-shirt) I think it's imperative that you check the spelling and read the piece over a couple of times for typos and to make sure you're not leaving out words, being repetitive in your phrases, and such.
My warhammer is ramping up the noise again. I worry what will happen in the round that only has one competitor. Will it just keep screaming til it gets blood? I wonder if somebody has some sort of resurrection spell in case one of the squashed competitors needs to come back for another round. I wonder if the headache from this noise will ever completely go away. I reach out my hand, and the hammer flies into it once again. It's like it can read my mind. Yangnome gets my vote to advance. Sorry, Toras, this time you were edged out, but keep writing, there was some good stuff in there. Crunch.
yangnome advances, 3-0
yangnome
First Post
Thanks to the judges for the critique. Thanks also to Toras for the competition.
As I said in my sblock, I really felt I left this story lacking. I wanted to stray from a straight up fantasy story, feeling that would be too easy. I had the idea for the first scene come about Friday night, but decided to let it simmer rather than sit down and write it. I thought about retelling a biblical story, originally thinking about doing a Cain & Able, but I coulnd't get that story to mesh in my head. The Sodom & Gomorrah story seemed like it might make for an interesting story. I didn't start writing though until a couple hours before the story weas due. As I was writing, I changed my mind about how things would progress.
In the end, I felt that the bulk of the story was pretty weak. I finished the story 2 minutes before it was due, so didn't have a chance to go back and edit or tighten things up. I was left with what felt like my weakest CDM entry to date.
As I said in my sblock, I really felt I left this story lacking. I wanted to stray from a straight up fantasy story, feeling that would be too easy. I had the idea for the first scene come about Friday night, but decided to let it simmer rather than sit down and write it. I thought about retelling a biblical story, originally thinking about doing a Cain & Able, but I coulnd't get that story to mesh in my head. The Sodom & Gomorrah story seemed like it might make for an interesting story. I didn't start writing though until a couple hours before the story weas due. As I was writing, I changed my mind about how things would progress.
In the end, I felt that the bulk of the story was pretty weak. I finished the story 2 minutes before it was due, so didn't have a chance to go back and edit or tighten things up. I was left with what felt like my weakest CDM entry to date.
WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
yangnome said:
And that's why we want to punch you...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...in the shoulder and say, "Nice job."
The tense thing has always been a problem of mine. If I could tell you why, I'd know. The thing that will probably bother me, is that this was the one I went with rather than the Dreaming narrative that first occured to me.
I suspect that the format does take some getting used to. And I will remember not to do it during the weekend if possible.
Still Yang, well played. Best of luck and do try to win.
Edit: Now that I've developed the world and the character, I may revisit him at another time. I really think their might be some potential there for some longer stories. (Maybe next CM, or my own)
I suspect that the format does take some getting used to. And I will remember not to do it during the weekend if possible.
Still Yang, well played. Best of luck and do try to win.
Edit: Now that I've developed the world and the character, I may revisit him at another time. I really think their might be some potential there for some longer stories. (Maybe next CM, or my own)
Last edited:
WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
One thing that you may want to do, when editing your story (if you have time to edit it, unlike some people), is to do it in phases.
Some suggested phases are:
*Spelling
*Grammar & Puncuation <-- (EDIT: I just edited my post and found the I misspelled punctuation...funny, I'll leave it)
*Tense
*Continuity
The more you reread it, the more things that you will catch. Alas, you will be hard-pressed to catch all of your errors if you are the only one editing it (especially true with self-editing).
Some suggested phases are:
*Spelling
*Grammar & Puncuation <-- (EDIT: I just edited my post and found the I misspelled punctuation...funny, I'll leave it)
*Tense
*Continuity
The more you reread it, the more things that you will catch. Alas, you will be hard-pressed to catch all of your errors if you are the only one editing it (especially true with self-editing).
Last edited:
Speaking of scheduling, an old friend of mine is coming to visit from Alaska. Don't get a whole lo tof people flying 1/2-way around the world to see me . I should be around a computer enough to continue participation, except for July 27-30, when I will be taking my friend to Polish Woodstock.
Aaron
. I should be around a computer enough to continue participation, except for July 27-30, when I will be taking my friend to Polish Woodstock.Aaron
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 1 Match 3 FickleGM vs Cevalic
FickleGM Vs Cevalic
maxfieldjadenfox
FickleGM has presented us with the dark tale of an escapee from Hell. I find it intriguing that I have much more sympathy for her than I have for the supposed good guys chasing her ... that's probably because they killed everything in their paths getting to her. I thought the picture use was strong here. None of the images felt like they were in there just because it was CDM and they had to be. Maybe it's because I'm the artist, but I was particularly pleased that the window was a mirror in this story. I kind of like the non-literal interpretation, and the repeating theme of the mirror tied things together nicely. There were a couple of places that were genuinely suspenseful, which is hard to do in a short story written in 72 hours. In the first paragraph, it would have worked better if it had read, "...stopped what they were doing, turned to each other, nodded blankly..." There were a couple of places like that that would have benefited from one last read aloud, but all in all a good effort.
Cevalic's piece feels like part of a larger world, and I like how the rules seem to be well thought out and in place. I liked the picture use for the girl in the mirror and was pleased with the grandma picture use. That scene had a lovely dreamlike quality that I appreciate. I think it would have had more impact if the last line exactly repeated the grandmother's line, "There are dark things around this night." I felt like the men with the pipes picture was the weakest, like it was in there because it had to be. It was still linked to the demon theme though, and a Gaia demon, using the earth itself to attack was a neat idea, although if the picture hadn't been requisite, roots or something would make more sense. You might have had the two guys be sewer workers and indicate that the pipes had come up out of the ground to attack them? Anyway, it was an enjoyable piece to read.
This was the hardest match-up for me to judge so far in this competition. Both entries have things to recommend them, but while Cevalic's entry is more appealing to me themewise, FickleGM's entry is slightly stronger in picture use.
It's been hard to think with the warhammer screaming in the background, and I need to get hold of a Dwarvish dictionary so I can find out what the hell it's saying! Sadly, crush or squish, it's aiming at Cevalic... Squish.
Herremann the Wise
It’s a match-up like this that really puts a judge through the ringer.
Sweet Release in a magical economy of words takes us into a different world where the story feels like it is part of something much bigger. That classic word verisimilitude comes to mind immediately. To do this in such a short smattering of sentences was highly impressive and the work of someone who instinctively knows how and when to use their words.
However, in terms of story, I felt the “workmen” image pushed what was an incredibly tight and well-crafted piece into a puddle. After the almost derisive challenge from the ‘risen’, I felt that our wizard-priest should have headed back in to do what he could to return the girl, spurred on by the risen’s words. Alas, we must accept his meek nodding of the head in acknowledgement that the job was too tough – and as he finishes chasing after a different demon entirely.
My question: why have the risen appear? What was her purpose? I think if you could have put that workmen image at the start, building up to the vanity demon, then you could have finished a lot stronger. As it was, I thought the submission of quality although it has obviously left me with a few too many “if only the writer could have done this...” moments.
In terms of image use, I felt the “cat lady” the best and could have even been stronger thematically speaking. The mirror image was the one underpinning the entire story while the workmen image was a classic waypoint for me. Image use was on the whole quite good.
Overall, I was very impressed.
FickleGM has provided a story that holds a really good sense of tension as it culminates in the defeat of... well to be honest I’m not too sure. I needed a little more direction here to work out who was who. Who were the good guys, who were the bad guys? The creatively good sense of weird schlock horror smoothed over too many questions getting in the way during my numerous readings, but always at the end, I was left trying to work out exactly who was who.
I took Sarah as an escaped demon (trying to escape or repent?) and the workmen the one’s sent to chase her down and bring her back. Granny Elsa was perhaps the only one who could save “Sarah’s” soul from the denizens of hell and Maggie seemed to be a former success for the old woman. But there again, I believe several other interpretations are possible given the lack of significant cues and an over-diversity of the ones that were there. This is a shame because if I could have been a little surer of my interpretation, I would have enjoyed your efforts even more.
Image use was well done with each image featuring quite strongly. The workmen one was a little strange but all to the good if you ask me. It fitted the schlock genre rather well.
Now, I feel like I should mention something that could add a little polish to the piece. The one thing that can really move a story along is dialogue. Your dialogue however was just a little too clanky (tapping into that schlock horror mentality perhaps). I think sometimes you just have to let the words flow without interrupting it with all the superfluous “he said, she replied” business as well as the over-abundance of interspersed dialogue ‘actions’. Over-crafting dialogue can be a classic mistake, particularly in a short story where you feel you have to make every word count. Once you have your characters set though, it should be obvious who is talking and who is replying. Save the actions that go with the dialogue for the real breaks that naturally occur rather than dispersed between almost every change in speaker. You will be amazed how this can make your dialogue really come alive.
You have not done this too badly but it was just a noticeable difference in pacing between your action and your dialogue that made it stand out. Actually as a side note, sometimes you seem to bundle a few too many words in to your non-essential descriptions. On these occasions, look at what you can take out of a sentence rather than what extra words you can put in.
On the whole a fine effort.
Now, while I had issues with both our competitors, I am going to give the match to Cevalic because with everything told, I think certain key elements were just a little tighter. There was a split hair between the two of you in my most difficult decision of CDM/ESSS so far.
Congratulations to both our competitors.
Rodrigo
FickleGM – The strongest element of this story is the pacing. It hits the ground running, and stays consistent throughout. There is a good mix of action with enough interludes to keep the level of excitement high without feeling strident. Overall, the picture use was very good. The demon-hunters communicating with the underworld was especially clever with what I thought was one of the hardest pictures in the first round. The girl in the mirror was also well done, and you did an excellent job of referencing the reflections it in several places. This is a fantastic way to reinforce the significance of a picture.
There are some issues with the writing. The point of view shifts too many times, I think. We start with the co-workers, shift to the hunters, to the guys, to the girls, to the old lady. One of the mistakes (IMO) of modern horror movies (and the story feels like a movie), is that it forgets what makes for true horror. Something bad happening to you is scary – something bad happening to someone you care about is terrifying. In this case, the guys are so disposable that there’s no emotional impact. I think a couple structural changes would elevate the story from average to excellent. If it were to start with a strong one-on-one scene with Sarah and her boyfriend, establish them both as three-dimensional, then shift to the ritual, then the hunt, then the epilogue, you’d not only eliminate some of the POV shifting, it would make the deaths more resonant. Ditch the other couple, and it would tighten things up even more.
Cevalic – I’ll confess this story hits one of my buttons (in a good way). I really like stories that drop me in the middle of something bigger and slowly lift the curtains. You do an excellent job of dropping phrases here and there that frame a world larger than the events of the story, and it is very intriguing. It’s a little too sparse to be entirely satisfying. Seeing how central the possession is to the story, I’d like to know more about it and the Vanity demon, for example. And you overdo the Capitalized Words – once or twice lends import to the mundane, but too often and it becomes distracting and reduces the impact.
The ending was kind of weak, I thought. There was no conflict, no resolution, just sort of a segue from one scene to another. You’ve sketched out a cool little world, and then don’t do much with it.
The picture use is mixed. The girl in the mirror is excellent, and the use of the Vanity demon is a wonderful way of combining the text and the picture to create something stronger than either alone. The scene with the Risen, though, doesn’t really exploit the other elements of the picture. The dead workmen at the end didn’t work for me – it felt tacked on, and really didn’t seem to integrate with the rest of the story.
I’ve hemmed and hawed over this one relentlessly. In the end, my decision is for FickleGM, who had, overall, an ever-so-slightly more complete package.
Decision is for FickleGM, 2-1. Or more like 1.5001 to 1.4999. This was a close one.
FickleGM Vs Cevalic
maxfieldjadenfox
FickleGM has presented us with the dark tale of an escapee from Hell. I find it intriguing that I have much more sympathy for her than I have for the supposed good guys chasing her ... that's probably because they killed everything in their paths getting to her. I thought the picture use was strong here. None of the images felt like they were in there just because it was CDM and they had to be. Maybe it's because I'm the artist, but I was particularly pleased that the window was a mirror in this story. I kind of like the non-literal interpretation, and the repeating theme of the mirror tied things together nicely. There were a couple of places that were genuinely suspenseful, which is hard to do in a short story written in 72 hours. In the first paragraph, it would have worked better if it had read, "...stopped what they were doing, turned to each other, nodded blankly..." There were a couple of places like that that would have benefited from one last read aloud, but all in all a good effort.
Cevalic's piece feels like part of a larger world, and I like how the rules seem to be well thought out and in place. I liked the picture use for the girl in the mirror and was pleased with the grandma picture use. That scene had a lovely dreamlike quality that I appreciate. I think it would have had more impact if the last line exactly repeated the grandmother's line, "There are dark things around this night." I felt like the men with the pipes picture was the weakest, like it was in there because it had to be. It was still linked to the demon theme though, and a Gaia demon, using the earth itself to attack was a neat idea, although if the picture hadn't been requisite, roots or something would make more sense. You might have had the two guys be sewer workers and indicate that the pipes had come up out of the ground to attack them? Anyway, it was an enjoyable piece to read.
This was the hardest match-up for me to judge so far in this competition. Both entries have things to recommend them, but while Cevalic's entry is more appealing to me themewise, FickleGM's entry is slightly stronger in picture use.
It's been hard to think with the warhammer screaming in the background, and I need to get hold of a Dwarvish dictionary so I can find out what the hell it's saying! Sadly, crush or squish, it's aiming at Cevalic... Squish.
Herremann the Wise
It’s a match-up like this that really puts a judge through the ringer.
Sweet Release in a magical economy of words takes us into a different world where the story feels like it is part of something much bigger. That classic word verisimilitude comes to mind immediately. To do this in such a short smattering of sentences was highly impressive and the work of someone who instinctively knows how and when to use their words.
However, in terms of story, I felt the “workmen” image pushed what was an incredibly tight and well-crafted piece into a puddle. After the almost derisive challenge from the ‘risen’, I felt that our wizard-priest should have headed back in to do what he could to return the girl, spurred on by the risen’s words. Alas, we must accept his meek nodding of the head in acknowledgement that the job was too tough – and as he finishes chasing after a different demon entirely.
My question: why have the risen appear? What was her purpose? I think if you could have put that workmen image at the start, building up to the vanity demon, then you could have finished a lot stronger. As it was, I thought the submission of quality although it has obviously left me with a few too many “if only the writer could have done this...” moments.
In terms of image use, I felt the “cat lady” the best and could have even been stronger thematically speaking. The mirror image was the one underpinning the entire story while the workmen image was a classic waypoint for me. Image use was on the whole quite good.
Overall, I was very impressed.
FickleGM has provided a story that holds a really good sense of tension as it culminates in the defeat of... well to be honest I’m not too sure. I needed a little more direction here to work out who was who. Who were the good guys, who were the bad guys? The creatively good sense of weird schlock horror smoothed over too many questions getting in the way during my numerous readings, but always at the end, I was left trying to work out exactly who was who.
I took Sarah as an escaped demon (trying to escape or repent?) and the workmen the one’s sent to chase her down and bring her back. Granny Elsa was perhaps the only one who could save “Sarah’s” soul from the denizens of hell and Maggie seemed to be a former success for the old woman. But there again, I believe several other interpretations are possible given the lack of significant cues and an over-diversity of the ones that were there. This is a shame because if I could have been a little surer of my interpretation, I would have enjoyed your efforts even more.
Image use was well done with each image featuring quite strongly. The workmen one was a little strange but all to the good if you ask me. It fitted the schlock genre rather well.
Now, I feel like I should mention something that could add a little polish to the piece. The one thing that can really move a story along is dialogue. Your dialogue however was just a little too clanky (tapping into that schlock horror mentality perhaps). I think sometimes you just have to let the words flow without interrupting it with all the superfluous “he said, she replied” business as well as the over-abundance of interspersed dialogue ‘actions’. Over-crafting dialogue can be a classic mistake, particularly in a short story where you feel you have to make every word count. Once you have your characters set though, it should be obvious who is talking and who is replying. Save the actions that go with the dialogue for the real breaks that naturally occur rather than dispersed between almost every change in speaker. You will be amazed how this can make your dialogue really come alive.
You have not done this too badly but it was just a noticeable difference in pacing between your action and your dialogue that made it stand out. Actually as a side note, sometimes you seem to bundle a few too many words in to your non-essential descriptions. On these occasions, look at what you can take out of a sentence rather than what extra words you can put in.
On the whole a fine effort.
Now, while I had issues with both our competitors, I am going to give the match to Cevalic because with everything told, I think certain key elements were just a little tighter. There was a split hair between the two of you in my most difficult decision of CDM/ESSS so far.
Congratulations to both our competitors.
Rodrigo
FickleGM – The strongest element of this story is the pacing. It hits the ground running, and stays consistent throughout. There is a good mix of action with enough interludes to keep the level of excitement high without feeling strident. Overall, the picture use was very good. The demon-hunters communicating with the underworld was especially clever with what I thought was one of the hardest pictures in the first round. The girl in the mirror was also well done, and you did an excellent job of referencing the reflections it in several places. This is a fantastic way to reinforce the significance of a picture.
There are some issues with the writing. The point of view shifts too many times, I think. We start with the co-workers, shift to the hunters, to the guys, to the girls, to the old lady. One of the mistakes (IMO) of modern horror movies (and the story feels like a movie), is that it forgets what makes for true horror. Something bad happening to you is scary – something bad happening to someone you care about is terrifying. In this case, the guys are so disposable that there’s no emotional impact. I think a couple structural changes would elevate the story from average to excellent. If it were to start with a strong one-on-one scene with Sarah and her boyfriend, establish them both as three-dimensional, then shift to the ritual, then the hunt, then the epilogue, you’d not only eliminate some of the POV shifting, it would make the deaths more resonant. Ditch the other couple, and it would tighten things up even more.
Cevalic – I’ll confess this story hits one of my buttons (in a good way). I really like stories that drop me in the middle of something bigger and slowly lift the curtains. You do an excellent job of dropping phrases here and there that frame a world larger than the events of the story, and it is very intriguing. It’s a little too sparse to be entirely satisfying. Seeing how central the possession is to the story, I’d like to know more about it and the Vanity demon, for example. And you overdo the Capitalized Words – once or twice lends import to the mundane, but too often and it becomes distracting and reduces the impact.
The ending was kind of weak, I thought. There was no conflict, no resolution, just sort of a segue from one scene to another. You’ve sketched out a cool little world, and then don’t do much with it.
The picture use is mixed. The girl in the mirror is excellent, and the use of the Vanity demon is a wonderful way of combining the text and the picture to create something stronger than either alone. The scene with the Risen, though, doesn’t really exploit the other elements of the picture. The dead workmen at the end didn’t work for me – it felt tacked on, and really didn’t seem to integrate with the rest of the story.
I’ve hemmed and hawed over this one relentlessly. In the end, my decision is for FickleGM, who had, overall, an ever-so-slightly more complete package.
Decision is for FickleGM, 2-1. Or more like 1.5001 to 1.4999. This was a close one.
WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
Wow, I'm speechless...
Okay, I have my speech back. Thank you for your judgments and your advice.
I'll admit that I was very nervous when I decided to shoot for B-Horror (the type you might see on the Sci-Fi channel on Saturdays). I was into the planning of the story and I hit some blocks, so I started composing. After I got a into the story a bit, I went back and read what I had and thought that it felt very cheesy. So, instead of scrapping it, I embraced the cheese (I live in Wisconsin) and decided to see where it led me. It is cool that you all picked up on that...
When it was done, I wasn't terribly pleased with it, but it did make me chuckle so I wasn't entirely displeased (I watch a lot of bad horror on Sci-Fi).
Cevalic - you had a nice story and a good showing. I wish that I could give you better feedback, but people with more skill in that department than me have already done so (and done so well). I hope to face you again someday...
Okay, I have my speech back. Thank you for your judgments and your advice.
I'll admit that I was very nervous when I decided to shoot for B-Horror (the type you might see on the Sci-Fi channel on Saturdays). I was into the planning of the story and I hit some blocks, so I started composing. After I got a into the story a bit, I went back and read what I had and thought that it felt very cheesy. So, instead of scrapping it, I embraced the cheese (I live in Wisconsin) and decided to see where it led me. It is cool that you all picked up on that...
When it was done, I wasn't terribly pleased with it, but it did make me chuckle so I wasn't entirely displeased (I watch a lot of bad horror on Sci-Fi).
Cevalic - you had a nice story and a good showing. I wish that I could give you better feedback, but people with more skill in that department than me have already done so (and done so well). I hope to face you again someday...
Similar Threads
