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Fall Ceramic DM - Final Round Judgment Posted!
- Thread starter mythago
- Start date
mythago
Hero
Berandor
Rodrigo Istalindir: "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword"
The story heads off to a great start. The first paragraph grabs me and immediately sketches a very believable image of the electronic world. "The sudden intrusion of the tangible... the message somehow real now...consigned to the elctronic ether as it it had never existed.” Wow. Now I want to read more. A lot more.
You do a terrific job of describing, nay bringing alive your world. And as it often is, it's in the small details. "Sending the tin magnet in a slow, carving arc to the floor." - Hey, he's in space! [font="]
[/font]
And then I become cautious: "What is it, Dave?" He's in space, his name's Hal, and there's a Dave - uh, oh! You come back to the names later, but I don't even know if that's necessary. I mean, Hal is a sci-fi pop icon, so to speak, and I think who my get it will have gotten it by then, whereas the few who haven't won't be much served by your subtle allusion. Plus, I couldn't feel smart anymore at finding it out [font="] [/font]
I very much enjoyed the fact that you employ the metric system, btw.
Anyway, after a short introduction to the station's purpose (you have very efficient doses of exposition, never too much), the story starts to revolve around Hal's memories. It's a slow pace you employ, but you keep small hints of danger popping up. "Evacuation was impossible." "...unprecedented levels of automation." and so on.
The strength of the story lies squarely in the realistic portrayal of everything. Clock and calendars being discouraged from, the way the station has been built, the fail saves with the railgun, that humans expect a written transaction when buying a house, ... you get it. It's an incredibly rich world - I want to read more of it!
That's not to say that everything's groovy. The deliberate pace really rives home the fact that not much happens. Except for the fake alarm (that seems mostly to exist so that something, anything does happen) and the final suicide, there's not much action.
It correlates with the quiet life aboard the station, but it's still a smidgen too slow for my taste.
I also can't help but feel sorry for Hal. I mean, when his colleagues are sent off by friends and family, he's alone as soon as his wife doesn't appear. He seems to have nobody else. Poor guy.
I also think the story, consisting mostly of Hal's memories, could take advantage of a more personal vocabulary. Hal doesn't think in any specifically military or mathematical terms, and so I lacked a certain understanding for him (consider how Macbeth's Petro uses his own background in his thoughts).
The end, to me, feels a little forced. The suicide is fitting, but the evil A.I., while alluded to often, seems like a late attempt in infusing the story with tension. The moment's spent in the "present" are to few compared to the flashbacks so that I found myself not caring for the fate of the world or whether Dave was evil, or not. I only cared about Hal, and he jumped ship.
Now, I still enjoyed the story very, very much. I'm sort of grabbing at straws here to find a critical basis. If you ever write a novel, tell me. I'll be the first in line to lose myself in your world.
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alsih20: "Doo do doo do"
Your beginning is somewhat confusing, but in an intriguing way. The press reviles him? Nylon wings shudder against the wind? Is he surfing? I'd better read on to find out.
Oh, just an aside: you tend to switch letters when writing "from", and it ends up as "form" [font="] [/font]
The first paragraphs after the line break jump in time - but also grab me tightly. We're in the present ("fourteen months ago") -> now we're in the past ("was discovered") -> no, in present again -> ah, no, in the past.
Still:
"he was discovered in Guatemala" - what is he, a yeti? A surfing yeti actor? Hook, line...
"...talk about the sex tape." Sinker! You grabbed me.
So now we learn about Jaime's road to success (Hi me!) I love the title-giving radio music, a nice little touch.
"The rains came. (...) when the aid workers came." sounds a little clumsy. On the other hand, I loved "he stood there looking fat in the face..." Great imagery!
The first experiences in America betray a naiveté that Jaime doesn't seem to lose till the very end.
All in all, it's a nice tale about fame and politics, and if anyone's familiar with Washington or Hollywood, you know that a naive and somehwat idealistic guy won't go over well there.
It's a really ambitious story. I applaud you for trying something like that. It also speaks to the cynicist in me that it ends the way it does. I'm not sure I like that. (just kidding, I do)
I do have to wonder, though, just what the giant quill was made of (foam?) and what Jaime is trying to do with it. But more on that later, now let's talk about the sex tape. (Yeah!)
"'Hi.' Said the blonde. 'I've got a camera.'" Huh? Why's she telling him that? That seems kinda off somehow. I do love the shirt, though.
I also find it hard to believe that after 14 months, the press is still beleaguering his home despite him not being very cooperative. And is that an oil carpet on the US coast? I'd think that's too much for even high bribes to cover up.
The image of a paragliding sun-god armed with a giant quill rocks, though. Also, I find the repetition of the beginnin paragraph, bringing us to the present, works nicely.
That still leaves me wondering what Jaime's trying to do, exactly, and who's shooting him, and exactly how delirious he is at the end. And does he die? The final sentences sort of leave his fate open.
But there's also a real gem hidden in the finish: "the golden figure bleeding at their feet in the [font="]*[/font]dying sun[font="]*[/font]". The correlation to his costume as Ra is wonderful!
An ambitious, sad tale about a human crushed by today's scandal machine. Thank you, alsih20.
-
THE PICTURES
The Coastline
- alshi2o interprets the pic as an oil carpet driving our hero over the edge. The contrast between such a crime being unpunished and consensual sex being dressed as a scandal to destroy a mostly innocent life highlights what the story is about.
- Rodrigo's coast is the hero's home, another mosaic block in Dave's subtle manipulation, and a focal point for Hal's memories. (Sadly, both didn't see the silhouette of a horse in the water that I saw)
The Quill
- Rodrigo's quill is central to the story, so much so that it connects the memories and even has its place in Hal's present. Removing the quill would harm the story in a major way. An almost perfect example of picture usage, very well done!
- alsih2o's pen is an absurd weapon making me smile. Today's Don Quixote attacks politicians with lances made from giant quills, but like Cervante's knight, Jaime still loses.
The Golden Mask
- alsih2o gives us a movie prop depicting the sun god, Ra. Our hero betrays his delusions when he wears the mask during his final moments.
- When Rodrigo gives us the mask, warning signs go off. Any A.I. wearing that would be instantly disassembled by me. Creepy!
The Little Boy
- Rodrigo's boy has lost his parents in a flood, but grows up to become our hero's son and be another straw in Hal's depression when falling from the sky.
- alsih2o's boy has lost his parents in a flood, but grows up to become our hero and give us a grand death scene worthy of an Oscar when he falls from the sky.
FINAL JUDGEMENT
Both stories give us a lot of flashbacks and end on a suicidal note. They're still quite different, though.
"Doo do doo do" is an ambitious (yeah, I said that already) tale that picks up threads of present events. It also features an almost absurd finale. It succeeds on leaving readers speechless and needing to think about it, but is also sometimes confusing and a little unrealistic.
"The Pen is Mightier than the Sword" is a quiet tale of desperation and, as we find out, manipulation. The world described is impressively realistic, and Hal's development seems genuine. On the other hand, not much really happens. and the protagonist doesn't come to life nearly as much as his world does.
Both stories are strong, and it pains me to see one of the authors lose. In the end, though, I can't really speak out against our Great Founder in the first round, can I?
POINT TO
Maldur
<>AlSiH2O vs Rodrigo Istalindir
Both stories had a desperate gloomy edge to them, I’m always surprised that even though there are differences in the genre, and writing, the mood of ceramic stories are always very similar.
Clay: weird story but fun, very gloomy, very....current.
Rodrigo: Classic SciFi, reminded me of reading bundles of Hugo award stories.
Winner: Rodrigo Istalindir
Mythago
Doo do doo do – alsih2o – I loved the opening. We get the guy’s name (and the fact that nobody pronounces it right), he’s in a scandal, he’s hang-glinding, and he’s a little obsessed about something, in a few short lines. Beautiful.
The story of Jaime’s coming to the U.S. is a little rapid-fire. The time is compressed; this isn’t really the story, so let’s get it out of the way. But it is the story, of course. When you have a long flashback, it has to be interesting. Effectively telling the reader to hang on, we’ve got some background material to cover, loses them.
The Ra costume is a great use of the picture, not only showing Jaime’s publicity stunt but his near-insanity at the story’s end (and of course there’s a bit of an Icarus reference in there, too). But after that I got really lost. Has this guy not heard of Rob Lowe? And would that tape really destroy his career? We don’t have any details of it, but we’re led to believe that it would be bad enough that Jaime’s career would be utterly destroyed and that his agent and publicity person would abandon him? It doesn’t really wash. The quill is cool, but there doesn’t seem to be much reason he kept it; okay, it’s a prop, but he’s had lots of props, so why this one? It makes the final scene tie back into the first scene in a great way. I especially liked the scene where the kids ask him about it. But I’d have liked to know why an 8’ quill, other than “he had one lying around.” (Who doesn’t?)
The Pen is Mightier than the Sword – Rodrigo Istalindir – I was surprised at Hal and Dave as names, because in a serious SF story you don’t want cute. Then we learn that Hal deliberately picked Dave as the name for the AI as a 2001 reference, so we relax a little…and then the AI at the end turns out to be evil and killing the human crew. Just a little too, well, too.
Using the pen to tie into Hal’s life was well-done. Unfortunately you had some of the same problem that alsih2o did; a lot of exposition about What Happened, at the expense of What’s Happening Right Now. Not all that much actually occurs, but we get a lot of exposition about what Hal is thinking and why his mood is deteriorating, and the history of these spacecraft (where are we hearing this from? Is Hal really thinking all this over?) as well as his marriage and the death of his son. It’s not woven in naturally; it’s like a huge footnote.
Rather than a flashback to Hal’s signing the mortgage on the house, we might have Dave ask him why he looks upset at seeing his own house, and put that into dialogue. Or tighten up the flashback so it doesn’t feel like the author explaining to the reader.
The use of the sun-god picture was a bit of a throwaway, but the rest were well-used.
Tough one this round, but I give it to
for slightly better integration of the picture set.
Winner this round is
, who goes on to Round 2.
Rodrigo Istalindir: "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword"
The story heads off to a great start. The first paragraph grabs me and immediately sketches a very believable image of the electronic world. "The sudden intrusion of the tangible... the message somehow real now...consigned to the elctronic ether as it it had never existed.” Wow. Now I want to read more. A lot more.
You do a terrific job of describing, nay bringing alive your world. And as it often is, it's in the small details. "Sending the tin magnet in a slow, carving arc to the floor." - Hey, he's in space! [font="]
[/font]And then I become cautious: "What is it, Dave?" He's in space, his name's Hal, and there's a Dave - uh, oh! You come back to the names later, but I don't even know if that's necessary. I mean, Hal is a sci-fi pop icon, so to speak, and I think who my get it will have gotten it by then, whereas the few who haven't won't be much served by your subtle allusion. Plus, I couldn't feel smart anymore at finding it out [font="]
[/font]I very much enjoyed the fact that you employ the metric system, btw.
Anyway, after a short introduction to the station's purpose (you have very efficient doses of exposition, never too much), the story starts to revolve around Hal's memories. It's a slow pace you employ, but you keep small hints of danger popping up. "Evacuation was impossible." "...unprecedented levels of automation." and so on.
The strength of the story lies squarely in the realistic portrayal of everything. Clock and calendars being discouraged from, the way the station has been built, the fail saves with the railgun, that humans expect a written transaction when buying a house, ... you get it. It's an incredibly rich world - I want to read more of it!
That's not to say that everything's groovy. The deliberate pace really rives home the fact that not much happens. Except for the fake alarm (that seems mostly to exist so that something, anything does happen) and the final suicide, there's not much action.
It correlates with the quiet life aboard the station, but it's still a smidgen too slow for my taste.
I also can't help but feel sorry for Hal. I mean, when his colleagues are sent off by friends and family, he's alone as soon as his wife doesn't appear. He seems to have nobody else. Poor guy.
I also think the story, consisting mostly of Hal's memories, could take advantage of a more personal vocabulary. Hal doesn't think in any specifically military or mathematical terms, and so I lacked a certain understanding for him (consider how Macbeth's Petro uses his own background in his thoughts).
The end, to me, feels a little forced. The suicide is fitting, but the evil A.I., while alluded to often, seems like a late attempt in infusing the story with tension. The moment's spent in the "present" are to few compared to the flashbacks so that I found myself not caring for the fate of the world or whether Dave was evil, or not. I only cared about Hal, and he jumped ship.
Now, I still enjoyed the story very, very much. I'm sort of grabbing at straws here to find a critical basis. If you ever write a novel, tell me. I'll be the first in line to lose myself in your world.
-
alsih20: "Doo do doo do"
Your beginning is somewhat confusing, but in an intriguing way. The press reviles him? Nylon wings shudder against the wind? Is he surfing? I'd better read on to find out.
Oh, just an aside: you tend to switch letters when writing "from", and it ends up as "form" [font="]
[/font]The first paragraphs after the line break jump in time - but also grab me tightly. We're in the present ("fourteen months ago") -> now we're in the past ("was discovered") -> no, in present again -> ah, no, in the past.
Still:
"he was discovered in Guatemala" - what is he, a yeti? A surfing yeti actor? Hook, line...
"...talk about the sex tape." Sinker! You grabbed me.
So now we learn about Jaime's road to success (Hi me!) I love the title-giving radio music, a nice little touch.
"The rains came. (...) when the aid workers came." sounds a little clumsy. On the other hand, I loved "he stood there looking fat in the face..." Great imagery!
The first experiences in America betray a naiveté that Jaime doesn't seem to lose till the very end.
All in all, it's a nice tale about fame and politics, and if anyone's familiar with Washington or Hollywood, you know that a naive and somehwat idealistic guy won't go over well there.
It's a really ambitious story. I applaud you for trying something like that. It also speaks to the cynicist in me that it ends the way it does. I'm not sure I like that. (just kidding, I do)
I do have to wonder, though, just what the giant quill was made of (foam?) and what Jaime is trying to do with it. But more on that later, now let's talk about the sex tape. (Yeah!)
"'Hi.' Said the blonde. 'I've got a camera.'" Huh? Why's she telling him that? That seems kinda off somehow. I do love the shirt, though.
I also find it hard to believe that after 14 months, the press is still beleaguering his home despite him not being very cooperative. And is that an oil carpet on the US coast? I'd think that's too much for even high bribes to cover up.
The image of a paragliding sun-god armed with a giant quill rocks, though. Also, I find the repetition of the beginnin paragraph, bringing us to the present, works nicely.
That still leaves me wondering what Jaime's trying to do, exactly, and who's shooting him, and exactly how delirious he is at the end. And does he die? The final sentences sort of leave his fate open.
But there's also a real gem hidden in the finish: "the golden figure bleeding at their feet in the [font="]*[/font]dying sun[font="]*[/font]". The correlation to his costume as Ra is wonderful!
An ambitious, sad tale about a human crushed by today's scandal machine. Thank you, alsih20.
-
THE PICTURES
The Coastline
- alshi2o interprets the pic as an oil carpet driving our hero over the edge. The contrast between such a crime being unpunished and consensual sex being dressed as a scandal to destroy a mostly innocent life highlights what the story is about.
- Rodrigo's coast is the hero's home, another mosaic block in Dave's subtle manipulation, and a focal point for Hal's memories. (Sadly, both didn't see the silhouette of a horse in the water that I saw
)The Quill
- Rodrigo's quill is central to the story, so much so that it connects the memories and even has its place in Hal's present. Removing the quill would harm the story in a major way. An almost perfect example of picture usage, very well done!
- alsih2o's pen is an absurd weapon making me smile. Today's Don Quixote attacks politicians with lances made from giant quills, but like Cervante's knight, Jaime still loses.
The Golden Mask
- alsih2o gives us a movie prop depicting the sun god, Ra. Our hero betrays his delusions when he wears the mask during his final moments.
- When Rodrigo gives us the mask, warning signs go off. Any A.I. wearing that would be instantly disassembled by me. Creepy!
The Little Boy
- Rodrigo's boy has lost his parents in a flood, but grows up to become our hero's son and be another straw in Hal's depression when falling from the sky.
- alsih2o's boy has lost his parents in a flood, but grows up to become our hero and give us a grand death scene worthy of an Oscar when he falls from the sky.
FINAL JUDGEMENT
Both stories give us a lot of flashbacks and end on a suicidal note. They're still quite different, though.
"Doo do doo do" is an ambitious (yeah, I said that already) tale that picks up threads of present events. It also features an almost absurd finale. It succeeds on leaving readers speechless and needing to think about it, but is also sometimes confusing and a little unrealistic.
"The Pen is Mightier than the Sword" is a quiet tale of desperation and, as we find out, manipulation. The world described is impressively realistic, and Hal's development seems genuine. On the other hand, not much really happens. and the protagonist doesn't come to life nearly as much as his world does.
Both stories are strong, and it pains me to see one of the authors lose. In the end, though, I can't really speak out against our Great Founder in the first round, can I?
POINT TO
RODRIGO ISTALINDIR, NONETHELESS!
Maldur
<>AlSiH2O vs Rodrigo Istalindir
Both stories had a desperate gloomy edge to them, I’m always surprised that even though there are differences in the genre, and writing, the mood of ceramic stories are always very similar.
Clay: weird story but fun, very gloomy, very....current.
Rodrigo: Classic SciFi, reminded me of reading bundles of Hugo award stories.
Winner: Rodrigo Istalindir
Mythago
Doo do doo do – alsih2o – I loved the opening. We get the guy’s name (and the fact that nobody pronounces it right), he’s in a scandal, he’s hang-glinding, and he’s a little obsessed about something, in a few short lines. Beautiful.
The story of Jaime’s coming to the U.S. is a little rapid-fire. The time is compressed; this isn’t really the story, so let’s get it out of the way. But it is the story, of course. When you have a long flashback, it has to be interesting. Effectively telling the reader to hang on, we’ve got some background material to cover, loses them.
The Ra costume is a great use of the picture, not only showing Jaime’s publicity stunt but his near-insanity at the story’s end (and of course there’s a bit of an Icarus reference in there, too). But after that I got really lost. Has this guy not heard of Rob Lowe? And would that tape really destroy his career? We don’t have any details of it, but we’re led to believe that it would be bad enough that Jaime’s career would be utterly destroyed and that his agent and publicity person would abandon him? It doesn’t really wash. The quill is cool, but there doesn’t seem to be much reason he kept it; okay, it’s a prop, but he’s had lots of props, so why this one? It makes the final scene tie back into the first scene in a great way. I especially liked the scene where the kids ask him about it. But I’d have liked to know why an 8’ quill, other than “he had one lying around.” (Who doesn’t?)
The Pen is Mightier than the Sword – Rodrigo Istalindir – I was surprised at Hal and Dave as names, because in a serious SF story you don’t want cute. Then we learn that Hal deliberately picked Dave as the name for the AI as a 2001 reference, so we relax a little…and then the AI at the end turns out to be evil and killing the human crew. Just a little too, well, too.
Using the pen to tie into Hal’s life was well-done. Unfortunately you had some of the same problem that alsih2o did; a lot of exposition about What Happened, at the expense of What’s Happening Right Now. Not all that much actually occurs, but we get a lot of exposition about what Hal is thinking and why his mood is deteriorating, and the history of these spacecraft (where are we hearing this from? Is Hal really thinking all this over?) as well as his marriage and the death of his son. It’s not woven in naturally; it’s like a huge footnote.
Rather than a flashback to Hal’s signing the mortgage on the house, we might have Dave ask him why he looks upset at seeing his own house, and put that into dialogue. Or tighten up the flashback so it doesn’t feel like the author explaining to the reader.
The use of the sun-god picture was a bit of a throwaway, but the rest were well-used.
Tough one this round, but I give it to
alsih2o
Winner this round is
Rodrigo Istalindir 2-1
Boojum
First Post
mythago said:That's just awful smack-talk, Boojum.
But, um, the strain of only having an hour to write will force me to enter a state of ultimate, zen-like concentration. And the muses will feel sorry for me and give me great ideas. And the fact that my story will be short will mean that every word will be perfect and contribute exactly to the overall goal. So you might as well just concede and not even post the entry, because there's no way you can compete with my marvel of perfection. Really, it's a foregone conclusion.
mythago
Hero
Much, MUCH better.Boojum said:But, um, the strain of only having an hour to write will force me to enter a state of ultimate, zen-like concentration. And the muses will feel sorry for me and give me great ideas. And the fact that my story will be short will mean that every word will be perfect and contribute exactly to the overall goal. So you might as well just concede and not even post the entry, because there's no way you can compete with my marvel of perfection. Really, it's a foregone conclusion.
And if I had a dollar for every Ceramic DM story that's been written down to the wire, I'd have...um...some dollars.
orchid blossom
Explorer
Boojum said:Argh. I was out of town Friday and most of Saturday, but figured I would be ok because I set aside a few hours for writing Saturday night, to hopefully get at least a good start if not go all the way through. So I logged on a little after 9 only to find the boards were down and I couldn't get the pictures. I'll still try to put something together, but having lost most of the time I had set aside for writing, I have no idea if I will be able to finish in time. I don't want to withdraw partway through, though, so I'll put something up, even if it ends up being a 500-word speedbump entry.
Would it make you feel better to know that I've been sick all day, and am having a complete case of writer's block, so I'll probably be writing almost my entire story in about six hours after I get home from work tomorrow? (and that's if I get an idea!)
Cause it's true. But I shall prevail!
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
alsih2o said:
Thanks, alsih2o. I was really sweating this one.
