Alright, I just sent it again. As the first round (the warm-up
) comes to a close, I just want to know whether my judgements read entertainingly or come off as arrogant (especially the pic comments). I try to write somewhat light-heartedly, but if it doesn't work, you'd better tell me now
Anyway, off to more positive things, namely Sparky's entry. (These comments are unfiltered, i.e. one step of revising has been removed for speed's sake)
Sparky, "Dead Letters"
In th words of Jude Law and Michael Caine: "What's it all about?" In other words, what exactly is your plot? What is the conflict? What do the characters want, and which obstacles do they have to overcome? It's a little hard to find out when reading your story, as everything seems to fall in place just so.
Of course, another reason the plot isn't that clear could be that it is covered by all those flowery expressions. I mean, I don't have anything against longer sentences, or the occasional adverb or adjective. Your prose, though, is full of them. It's just too much to take in while reading. Nobody just *says* something, they're stammering, calling, weeping, etc. Very often, you begin speech without any indicator of speaking at all.
"She reached out to touch the younger woman's belly, 'Stay until...'" With the comma before the speech, it just reads overwrought.
You like to use not only adjectives/adverbs, but also employ powerful vocabulary when using simple words would be enough.
Instead of pulling on her hair, Imala tears at it. Instead of being afraid, panic wells up. Instead of stepping forward, she lunges. And so on.
You can use simple words and leave out a lot of adjectives, and you will still get your point across - more easily and often more powerfully, even. Often, the words you combine are even redundant:
"Remnants of the river trickled feebly around the massive flanks of the squat, sprawling building to run down the naked rocks." If the water trickles, I assume it's feeble, and if the building's squat and sprawling, its flanks are probably massive, and most rocks I know are naked (except on holidays).
But let's get away from that. It's just something that strongly colors your prose. Let's talk about the content of the story, instead.
"The monks will giove us food and homes and work," Ankti crouches, err, says.
That sounds as if they don't know what the monks will use them for, but later in the story it sounds differently, when Imara calls out ot Akando "You will be hearing the whispers of my passing soon, writing them on the pages for the thieving monks.", or when the head monk thinks about the "elusive" Naiadin, or when Ahanu grunts, "If Akando lives, he betrays us with every breath."
So why do the two want to go to the monastery?
Also, I didn't understand Akando's importance for his people. At first, I thought he was the river, but in the end, he just seems to be an old man. Still, everybody freezes when they recognize him, in shock and gratitude.
Furthermore, did Akando do something to bring the monastery down? At one point, he starts to think "how best to take apart the situation from the inside.", and the next thing we know, he has been thrown out of the portal and the flood gates are opened.
And of course, that leads to the toppling of the monastery (the architect should be fired) for no apparent reason.
Finally, I'm unsure who the woman at the end is supposed to be. Is she Nituna? If so, why does she speak of herself in third person?
To come back to technical issues, you must look out for shifting point of view. A good example is the exchange between the head monk and the acolyte, where we sometimes follow his thoughts, but then read about her fears and hopes. Furthermore, you should try to better insert a chain of events into your prose. As it is, your sentences just follow one after the other, with no connection.
"He stands up. He goes over to the table. He drinks." It just reads "robotical".
"He stands up, and then heads over to the table. Finally, he drinks." Try to include some conjunctions or similar auxiliaries.
I'm not saying your story is all bad; in fact, I still enjoyed reading it. I'm just saying this to help you in the second round and get done with my comments before the computer is shut off because my paid-for time has run out
