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Fall Ceramic DM - Final Round Judgment Posted!
- Thread starter mythago
- Start date
mythago
Hero
Maldur
MarauderX vs. Piratecat
Weird fantasy both.
marauderX, I am curious what the "next" backup plan would be.
Piratecat, remind me never to go sailing with a pirate
My vote: piratecat, slightly stronger story.
Berandor
MarauderX: "A Walk in the Park"
A dark goddess reborn... or almost. A nice story that reminded me a lot of Story Hour entries, partly because of the plot, but partly because of the many point of views and not-fully-realized characters, too. While I think your plot is all right, and the ideas behind several concepts are sound, your characters lacked some motivation, primarily Marak.
Why does he betray Shamuss - and then breaks down to help him just as quick? I mean, he knows from Shamuss that the ritual will bring terrible doom, and the only way I could see him go through with it is if he really despised the sage and his city. If he doesn't despise Shamuss that much (and from the first chapter we know he likes the city), why does he even consider siding with the cultists?
I think part of the problem is the shifting point of view. We tell the story from Marak and Shamuss's point of view, switching between them fairly often if in small sentences, and you also bring in Jenna. At least she is too much, as her scenes are very small and could be handled by outside desciption alone. It would probably be best if you told the whole story from Shamuss's point of view; then we wouldn't need that much information about Marak, and you could start with Shamuss watching Marak's walk through the city.
Oh, and of course the whole conversation from "Shamus sighed impatiently" to "he had forgotten to ask about the stone statues" is just thinly veiled exposition.
I also would have liked to get a little more info about what the ethereal plane was really like.
Now, I don't know if it was intended, but having the demoness/goddess look like the bunny from "Donnie Darko" was very intimidating and cool. Disrupting a priestess by kissing her is also a very nice touch - I'll try that next time, and I wonder what my DM'll say to that.
The ending, this time, is very ominous. I like that. It doesn't reference anything before, it just says "Hey, there's even more that you haven't seen. Come back."
As a Story Hour, I would definitely read it. The stylistic weaknesses can be dealt with; I suggest giving the story to barsoomcore for review, and you'll elevate this tale above its current level.
Piratecat: "Three Kings"
The figurines must have really inspired you, naming the story after them. This time around, it's a ghost story you tell. And the first thing I know, aside from Stanhope being squeamish and Abigail being touched in the head, is that the Captain is Cray-zee! You develop a dark atmosphere over the course of the Captain's dinner that sets us up for what is to come. Of course, the little hints ("it's hauling the cargo it was made for", etc.) are recognizable, even if we don't fully know what they hint at. We have an idea, though.
And then, the Three Kings appear. Abigails madness in their presence is palpable and makes the scene much more creepy. Conversation via smell didn't grab me, though.
I'm not sure whether you can call the story open-ended, since Stanhope's choice is pretty clear (sadly).
Also, I would have liked to know what the Captain and his crewmen do when they're suddenly in the "Nexus". Why doesn't someone rush into the cabin to see whether the chest has been disturbed?
A nice story in the veins of Lovecraft, but with more dialogue and less letter-writing.
The Pics
3kings
- Piratecat's kings are of african design, corresponsing to the nature of the ship's former cargo. They are filled with malevolent power and want human sacrifices to appease them. The appearance of these figurines brings about the climax of the story.
- MarauderX's kings are of unknown design, but Marak nevertheless is fascinated with them. When Shamuss later presents them to him, it signals the turning point of the story. (It might have worked even better if the figurines were from Marak's native region) The reapperance of the figurines was a nice idea, as I had almost thought them lost to the story.
nexus
- MarauderX: A rabbit's head, the premature image of a demi-goddess of beauty and wealth. Why does she appear as a rabbit? I don't know, but it's creepy nonetheless.
- Piratecat: A fish, a ship and a face, all in one. This is the physical manifestation of the three kings. A nice picture use in that it doesn't restrict itself to one interpretation (and the kings' appearance is at least somewhat fitting to a slave ship theme).
bullwhip (Okay, what is this. I thought it was a vegetable of some sort, but now I'm not sure)
- Piratecat has Abigail explain to us the many uses of a knout made by a whale's pizzle. Thank you especially for the third image, Piratecat. The Captain uses the knout to frighten and prepare the crew for the sacrifice.
- MarauderX makes this pic part of "nexus", more specifically, a giant whisker that is all that remains from this year's Cohenci rite; Marak clings to it to prevent being eaten by the goddess. I wonder whether he hangs it over his fireplace later on?
oval
- MarauderX's double use works for his story, as it enhances the impression that after a day's sleep, the ethereal plane still looks exactly the same - of course, because the mirror is broken/has been sabotaged. It's a heavy mirror, nonetheless.
- Piratecat uses the pic as a bull's eye. Stanhope looks through it and sees the Three Kings and their fugue plane, sees them approach, and loses his cool (if he ever had it).
a sip of tea
- Piratecat has Abigail. the Captains idiot daughter, sip and spill tea. Aside from drinking tea, this moment tells us that the light may be on in Abigail's head, but nobody's home.
- MarauderX has Shamuss, the young sage, drink tea. Aside from drinking tea, he also gets poisoned by Marak and falls asleep.
Judgement
Piratecat didn't blow me away this time, but still delivered a very competent ghost story. MarauderX's tale could have been a contender if not for some stylistic weaknesses. As I also see an advantage in picture use for Piratecat, these weaknesses cannot be made up for sufficiently to propel MarauderX into the next round.
[sblock]POINT TO PIRATECAT[/sblock]
Congrats to all the winners, and another thank you to all participants. Just so you know, for the semi-finals I will be expecting good stories from you. This is for pros now; no more holding back.
Mythago
MarauderX – “A Walk in the Park”
I think we are all a little worried about that back-up plan. J
A decent story, but rough. I didn’t get a good sense of the bond between Shamuss and Marak, who have known each other for a decade, and I couldn’t figure out why Marak would want to allow an evil demigoddess to return just because he’s tired of being looked down on. Not that it’s an unbelievable motivation, but it doesn’t seem to fit with Marak.
There were a lot of awkwardnesses as well—the jumping point of view, the mirror being a strain for Marak at one point and later being “tossed aside” by Shamuss, the long explanation of the evil ritual being in Marak asking lots of questions of Shamuss, the expert (who sighs twice, slumps, and then falls asleep while miraculously not spilling his tea). Nice use of the “whisker” which, for the curious, is actually a piece of bullwhip kelp.
Piratecat – “Three Kings”
“Of Hell? Maybe, reflected Stanhope, of someplace worse.” Eek.
What a fine and eerie ghost story, and such a chilling ending. Criticisms are really minor—Abigail slides from idiocy to sophisticated speech and back, the Captain’s words are first seamanlike and then erudite. Can’t fault the Three Kings’ dialogue a bit, though.
[sblock]Piratecat wins this round 3-0 and goes on to Round 3.[/sblock]
MarauderX vs. Piratecat
Weird fantasy both.
marauderX, I am curious what the "next" backup plan would be.
Piratecat, remind me never to go sailing with a pirate
My vote: piratecat, slightly stronger story.
Berandor
MarauderX: "A Walk in the Park"
A dark goddess reborn... or almost. A nice story that reminded me a lot of Story Hour entries, partly because of the plot, but partly because of the many point of views and not-fully-realized characters, too. While I think your plot is all right, and the ideas behind several concepts are sound, your characters lacked some motivation, primarily Marak.
Why does he betray Shamuss - and then breaks down to help him just as quick? I mean, he knows from Shamuss that the ritual will bring terrible doom, and the only way I could see him go through with it is if he really despised the sage and his city. If he doesn't despise Shamuss that much (and from the first chapter we know he likes the city), why does he even consider siding with the cultists?
I think part of the problem is the shifting point of view. We tell the story from Marak and Shamuss's point of view, switching between them fairly often if in small sentences, and you also bring in Jenna. At least she is too much, as her scenes are very small and could be handled by outside desciption alone. It would probably be best if you told the whole story from Shamuss's point of view; then we wouldn't need that much information about Marak, and you could start with Shamuss watching Marak's walk through the city.
Oh, and of course the whole conversation from "Shamus sighed impatiently" to "he had forgotten to ask about the stone statues" is just thinly veiled exposition.
I also would have liked to get a little more info about what the ethereal plane was really like.
Now, I don't know if it was intended, but having the demoness/goddess look like the bunny from "Donnie Darko" was very intimidating and cool. Disrupting a priestess by kissing her is also a very nice touch - I'll try that next time, and I wonder what my DM'll say to that.
The ending, this time, is very ominous. I like that. It doesn't reference anything before, it just says "Hey, there's even more that you haven't seen. Come back."
As a Story Hour, I would definitely read it. The stylistic weaknesses can be dealt with; I suggest giving the story to barsoomcore for review, and you'll elevate this tale above its current level.
Piratecat: "Three Kings"
The figurines must have really inspired you, naming the story after them. This time around, it's a ghost story you tell. And the first thing I know, aside from Stanhope being squeamish and Abigail being touched in the head, is that the Captain is Cray-zee! You develop a dark atmosphere over the course of the Captain's dinner that sets us up for what is to come. Of course, the little hints ("it's hauling the cargo it was made for", etc.) are recognizable, even if we don't fully know what they hint at. We have an idea, though.
And then, the Three Kings appear. Abigails madness in their presence is palpable and makes the scene much more creepy. Conversation via smell didn't grab me, though.
I'm not sure whether you can call the story open-ended, since Stanhope's choice is pretty clear (sadly).
Also, I would have liked to know what the Captain and his crewmen do when they're suddenly in the "Nexus". Why doesn't someone rush into the cabin to see whether the chest has been disturbed?
A nice story in the veins of Lovecraft, but with more dialogue and less letter-writing.
The Pics
3kings
- Piratecat's kings are of african design, corresponsing to the nature of the ship's former cargo. They are filled with malevolent power and want human sacrifices to appease them. The appearance of these figurines brings about the climax of the story.
- MarauderX's kings are of unknown design, but Marak nevertheless is fascinated with them. When Shamuss later presents them to him, it signals the turning point of the story. (It might have worked even better if the figurines were from Marak's native region) The reapperance of the figurines was a nice idea, as I had almost thought them lost to the story.
nexus
- MarauderX: A rabbit's head, the premature image of a demi-goddess of beauty and wealth. Why does she appear as a rabbit? I don't know, but it's creepy nonetheless.
- Piratecat: A fish, a ship and a face, all in one. This is the physical manifestation of the three kings. A nice picture use in that it doesn't restrict itself to one interpretation (and the kings' appearance is at least somewhat fitting to a slave ship theme).
bullwhip (Okay, what is this. I thought it was a vegetable of some sort, but now I'm not sure)
- Piratecat has Abigail explain to us the many uses of a knout made by a whale's pizzle. Thank you especially for the third image, Piratecat. The Captain uses the knout to frighten and prepare the crew for the sacrifice.
- MarauderX makes this pic part of "nexus", more specifically, a giant whisker that is all that remains from this year's Cohenci rite; Marak clings to it to prevent being eaten by the goddess. I wonder whether he hangs it over his fireplace later on?
oval
- MarauderX's double use works for his story, as it enhances the impression that after a day's sleep, the ethereal plane still looks exactly the same - of course, because the mirror is broken/has been sabotaged. It's a heavy mirror, nonetheless.
- Piratecat uses the pic as a bull's eye. Stanhope looks through it and sees the Three Kings and their fugue plane, sees them approach, and loses his cool (if he ever had it).
a sip of tea
- Piratecat has Abigail. the Captains idiot daughter, sip and spill tea. Aside from drinking tea, this moment tells us that the light may be on in Abigail's head, but nobody's home.
- MarauderX has Shamuss, the young sage, drink tea. Aside from drinking tea, he also gets poisoned by Marak and falls asleep.
Judgement
Piratecat didn't blow me away this time, but still delivered a very competent ghost story. MarauderX's tale could have been a contender if not for some stylistic weaknesses. As I also see an advantage in picture use for Piratecat, these weaknesses cannot be made up for sufficiently to propel MarauderX into the next round.
[sblock]POINT TO PIRATECAT[/sblock]
Congrats to all the winners, and another thank you to all participants. Just so you know, for the semi-finals I will be expecting good stories from you. This is for pros now; no more holding back.
Mythago
MarauderX – “A Walk in the Park”
I think we are all a little worried about that back-up plan. J
A decent story, but rough. I didn’t get a good sense of the bond between Shamuss and Marak, who have known each other for a decade, and I couldn’t figure out why Marak would want to allow an evil demigoddess to return just because he’s tired of being looked down on. Not that it’s an unbelievable motivation, but it doesn’t seem to fit with Marak.
There were a lot of awkwardnesses as well—the jumping point of view, the mirror being a strain for Marak at one point and later being “tossed aside” by Shamuss, the long explanation of the evil ritual being in Marak asking lots of questions of Shamuss, the expert (who sighs twice, slumps, and then falls asleep while miraculously not spilling his tea). Nice use of the “whisker” which, for the curious, is actually a piece of bullwhip kelp.
Piratecat – “Three Kings”
“Of Hell? Maybe, reflected Stanhope, of someplace worse.” Eek.
What a fine and eerie ghost story, and such a chilling ending. Criticisms are really minor—Abigail slides from idiocy to sophisticated speech and back, the Captain’s words are first seamanlike and then erudite. Can’t fault the Three Kings’ dialogue a bit, though.
[sblock]Piratecat wins this round 3-0 and goes on to Round 3.[/sblock]
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Woot! Thanks to my opponent for making me work my bottom off. I didn't realize that was a piece of kelp; I had read somewhere about actually using a bull's or a whale's penis bone as an instrument for flogging, and I think I got fixated.
Good criticism on my inconsistent dialogue & wording.
In any case, I'm good to go whenever.
Good criticism on my inconsistent dialogue & wording.
In any case, I'm good to go whenever.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
A Monday night start or later would be best for me.
RangerWickett
Legend
Shucks. I knew trying to have Lsi Pu guilt trip his brother at the end might've been a little too strange. Well, congrats to Rodrigo. I respect your talent and your victory, sir.
