Fellow Player drives the group mad (Rant)

[Biohazard]

I intensely, strongly disagree with this sentiment. Very very few people are completely beyond repair. Treating everyone with a problem as "damaged goods and pretty much beyond repair" isn't exactly enlightened behavior, especially if your answer is to completely write them off as human beings.

True, but the issue here isn't "How can I help this fellow lost soul?" but rather "Should I game with this person?"

The answer is NO.

 

[Lord Zardoz]

Hi there. I need to vent a bit, so here it goes.

We are a group of 7 people, ages between 26 and 36. We are playing D&D 3.0, Starwars, Arcana Unearthed and some homebrew.

Now one player keeps getting on our nerves more and more.

<Edit>

Any ideas on what to do here?

I have a suggestion, but it is probably not what your hoping for.

Many people have already advised that you handle the situation tactfully, and that this person may need help. I am assuming your not aiming to be an arse over this, since no one ever really needs advice on how to be a dick. So here is my suggestion.

You are all adults. Your friend is an adult. Adults are expected to act like adults, whether they want to or not. And you are all generally treated by other people as adults, whether you want to be or not. Treat your friend like any other adult.

This situation has less to do with gaming and more to do with general interpersonal siutations. Granted, D&D tends to attract more social misfits then other activities, since its is a fringe activity. But the basic rules still apply. You and your friends have a common activity. One of you is acting inappropriately, and bothering the others. So the solution is obvious. Act according to your values and judgement to get this person to stop bothering you.

Lucky for your friend, you do consider him a friend. So you are probably inclined to cut him more slack then you would a stranger. If you want to be a nice about it, tell this person that his behaviour is no longer acceptible, and he needs to change it. If he persists, stop interacting with him until he apologises and mends his ways. But if nice just wont cut it, then stop being nice.

My friends are my friends largely because they are not ass holes. If a friend started to act like an ass, he can expect to stop being my friend.

END COMMUNICATION

 

[Terwox]

Another important thing to remember, Dougal DeKree --
You don't owe this guy a thing for bringing the group together.
A group I was in for quite awhile was brought together by one girl.
She didn't get along terribly well with the rest of the group, and quit after a few months.
We gamed happily for a long time after that without her. Thankfully, she quit on her own.
You don't owe anything to the guy for organizing things.
Furthermore, from the sounds of things, he'd probably tell you that you DO owe him things because he setup the group.
That's simply not true.

Should you try to help the guy? Sure. Is it really your problem? No, not really.
Unless he's also your friend, and you want to keep things that way.

 

[Sunderstone]

easiest way to handle this...
Clue in your friends/good players ahead of time that you are gonna dissolve the group and restart without this problematic individual.


Then tell the WHOLE Group on your next session that you no longer have the time to DM and make up an excuse as to why (work, real life drama, etc). End the session early, tying up a loose plot etc.

Restart your gaming night again without this guy. If he contacts the others before this trying to get a new game going, let them explain that "based on the last few sessions, they are getting burnt out on D&D and need a break from gaming for awhile".

Restart your campaign without telling this guy. It sounds cruel but gaming is gaming, not having fun defeats the entire purpose of it.



Late Edit*** I had to do the above a few years back to get rid of a long time player who grated on everyone. Sad but it needed doing.

 

[SteelDraco]

easiest way to handle this...
Clue in your friends/good players ahead of time that you are gonna dissolve the group and restart without this problematic individual.

I don't like the dishonesty of this approach. I recently had to give somebody the boot from my game (for similar, but much less serious, stuff to what the original poster's having problems with). Lying to him about it wouldn't have helped - it's more direct to just go ahead and say "Look, man, you're bothering people. It's not working out to have you in this group." He threw a tantrum, but we dealt with it. It's not like it was unexpected.

Dissolving the group and re-creating it without the offending player just makes it look worse if/when he ever finds out about it again. If you just boot him, at least you're being honest about it.

 

[Barendd Nobeard]

Sunderstone, I really don't think that's the best way to handle it.

To kick the player out, you really need to tell him why. Not for his sake, but for your own. Later, you'll feel much better about this situation if you tell the truth. The degree of brutality in that truth is up to you.

Good luck, whatever you decide. I don't envy your position.

 

[Hypersmurf]

Of course, that was before I saw that there are times when he simply gets up from his own game and walks away without a word.

I'm not sure how he pulls that off. If I decided to get up from a game I was DMing and walk away, it would take me five minutes to pack everything up... which really spoils the dramatic effect...

-Hyp.

 

[WayneLigon]

If he's 'just' there as a gaming warm body and isn't an actual friend friend of anyone at the table, I'd just tell him that his disruptive behavior and harassing emails have led to his being invited to seek gaming success elsewhere.

Does anyone know him away from the gaming table? Does he do the bursting into tears thing away from the table as well? It might not be a bad idea to slip some hints about counselling into the conversation as well. He could be a drama queen looking for someone to say 'no, don't leave' or 'there, there, what's wrong?'. Or, well, he could be a 6-o'clock headline watiing to happen. You never know.

 

[Chimera]

And so you know, this isn't something I say lightly, or with any gladness in my heart - I had to take this approach with my own mother at one point. I love her even now, but after trying and trying to help her, I came to the realization that you can't help someone that won't be helped - and I was putting other people (my wife, kids, friends) at risk trying. I haven't spoken to her in over 6 years - the last time I went to one of the visitation days at the prison she is in for hiring someone to kill one of my friends for his insurance money (loooong story) - and I while I regret the reasons, I don't regret that decision at all.

*sigh*

My apologies. I know many people in your situation. Had a lot of friends (before the divorce) who were no longer in contact with their parents. I fully support people in this situation - you have done the right thing.

Heck, I'm kinda there with my mentally ill ex-wife, who has built her own personal hell based on groundless paranoid fear of me. Painted her car a different color (saw her on the road last week) and even moved out of the house she fought so hard to keep in the divorce. Tells people that she's afraid that I'm stalking her and might shoot her, that I'm violent and dangerous. Went off on a slanderous, paranoid rant to both attorneys because I refused to give her my new address when I moved. (We've had no contact since just after the divorce was final. She's just flipping nuts.)

Tragically sad.

But it's completely out of my control. I'm not doing this to her. She's doing it to herself, aided and abetted by the well-meaning support and sympathy of her friends, who chose to believe such things.

 

[Nareau]

I think it's important to avoid with engaging someone like this about their issues. It's not a matter of "you're not justified feeling the way you do," so it would be pointless to argue about it.

If I were you, I think I'd probably respond to one of these long emails. I'd say, "Hey, I'm sorry that you're not enjoying gaming with us. I know we can be kinda mean sometimes, but we don't intend it to be personal. Anyways, if you ever think you'd like to game with us again, feel free to email me. If not--that's cool, I understand."

Spider