Game Bloopers and Quotes

[Eccles]

I'm just trying to find the webpage I put all my quotes on from the last campaign.

Ah, here we are.

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PC1: "Treasure!"
PC2: "Bounty!"
PC1: "Booty!"
PC2: "BOOTY!"
rattle, rattle
DM: "What are you doing?"
PC1: "Shaking the booty..."

---

Police Commissioner: "You are deputised only to act against agents of Chaos in Freeport"
Pladin & (LG) Cleric: "Good enough!" They walk out, trying not to high-five one another.

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DM: "You realise that this is the same cavern full of cultists that you saw in the vision."
PC2: "That's good. Imagine walking into the wrong cavern. We'd have to say 'Sorry. Carry on your dark unholy ritual', then turn around and walk out!"

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Paladin: "Parlay with orcs? I'd rather tread in dogs t."

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Cleric: “I’m the blunt edge of reason.”

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Paladin: "I can’t believe that it’s 9 o’clock, and the pirate town is shut."

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DM: “A towering figure of unspeakable evil sits beyond the altar.” (Shows picture)
PC6 (looking at picture): “Oh, it’s not that horrible.”

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PC1: “What’s more likely? He’s taking drugs, or he’s actually being pursued by evil shape-shifting serpent men?”
PC2: “ Fair point.”

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DM: “The Marquis Moon”, a den of ill-repute.
PC6: “Are there any inns of repute in the city?”

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Paladin: “I won’t attack an unarmed man.” [steps back as the orc barbarian smashes into his opponent]

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PC5: "Have you seen you a small boy running for fear, as if for his life?"
Pc1: "Because we’re chasing him."

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Paladin: "I say that we neuter the orc at the next possible opportunity. He’s obviously in season. It makes him impetuous."

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PC5: "For the GM’s attention, I am currently wearing so much jewellery, I am now medium encumbered."

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PC1: “All paladins are evil… No, not evil… I meant British.”

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NPC: “Have you done no deeds worthy of song?”
Paladin: “Yes, but unfortunately the bard who would sing them is currently dominated, evil and unconscious…”

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Paladin: “OK. I shall kill one of them as a gesture of goodwill”

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DM: As I told you, you are all too late!
PC6: When did you tell us that?
DM: In the room 2 levels below you… avoided. Damn.

 

[nsruf]

My group was fighting a bunch of oni (magical ogres from OA) a few sessions ago. The wild elf ranger's player did not realize they had reach and fired his bow at one of them from 10' away. I even asked him "are you sure", and since he didn't reconsider, I made him suffer the AoO as a learning experience. The oni missed and was peppered with arrows, but on his own turn managed to hit the ranger for considerable damage. On his next turn, the ranger was still within 10' of the oni. Now guess what the player said?

Being used to shooting into melee from afar for several rounds, he said "Same again!"

That got some incredulous looks and laughter from all of us. But he took the second AoO like a man and so far hasn't repeated the mistake

 

[Herpes Cineplex]

Well, since the focus has shifted away from just saying one thing when you meant another, here's a few quotes from our games.

In our very first D&D3 game, after killing the orcs at the top of a dark staircase, the rogue was worried about more orcs possibly being downstairs (and maybe pointing crossbows at whoever might come down). So he drags one of the orc corpses over to the stairwell, pauses dramatically at the edge, then quickly tilts the corpse's head over the edge, as if it's taking a quick look. The other player and the GM look at him like he's nuts.

"Hey, they don't know we're not orcs," says the rogue's player, all innocence and cleverness. (They never let me live that one down. )

GM: "Okay, they had 345 silver and 14,318 copper pieces."
Rogue: "Why is it that everything in Undermountain has a hundred pounds of pennies? What, are they all panhandling on level 3?"
GM: "I don't know. It's in the module. Maybe they've been picking through the couch cushions for loose change."
Rogue: "F-cking couch monsters. I hate 'em."

Paladin: "Where'd the troll go?"
GM: "To you, it looks like it just vanished."
Monk: "Oh no, it teleports!"
Wizard: "Or it plane shifts. Or maybe it just blinks."
Paladin: "Crap. What do we do now?"
Wizard: "I say we keep moving on. If Blinky the Troll comes back, we'll deal with him then."

GM: "On the other side of the door, you see a drow warrior in dark plate mail, wielding a dire flail!"
Rogue (not involved in this fight): "Oh good lord, what a loser."
GM: "What?"
Rogue: "A dire flail? Folks, meet the saddest drow fighter in the Underdark, the poor bastard who got stuck with the dorkiest weapon they had. Look out! He spent three feats just so he could be almost as good as a real fighter with a real weapon! ...Hey, good luck with that dire flail, there, champ. Mind your kneecaps on the backswing."
[the dire-flail-wielding fighter then proceeded to lose initiative and got killed in one round, before he could even take a swing at anyone.]
Rogue: "Told you so."
Wizard's player: "I think you just shamed that guy into dying quickly."

Wizard (looking over her spell list): "I could make a sound down that hallway to draw them over there, then you could sneak up behind them."
Rogue (suddenly very excited): "Really? You'd go do that?!"
Wizard (disgusted): "I didn't mean me, you ding-dong. I meant I could cast ghost sound."
Rogue (profoundly disappointed): "Oh."


We've also got a Vampire game going right now, and so far my favorite line from that is from the time the Caitiff troubleshooter was interrogating the Toreador primogen of Long Island. The Toreador had survived a brutal supernatural assault but had lost all his fingers in the process, and he had just revealed that he had been wearing rings on each of his fingers at the time.
Caitiff: "You were wearing ten rings? What, are you Liberace?"


And from our long-running Farscape D20 game:

"Oh, he’s a Banik savant: some of the time he’s a savant, the rest of the time he’s a Banik." -- Rogue/Scientist, on an NPC

Warrior, diagnosing a crewmate: "She’s not dead. She’s just a little bit squishy."
Scientist/Pirate with the medkit: "I don’t even know how to begin to treat squishiness."

Pilot: "I think Turan [the warrior] might have threatened Amara [the Banik]."
Aristocrat: "Could be. She threatens a lot of people."

Warrior's player: "No, because her character could drive Turan crazy."
Rogue/Scientist's player: "Turan's already crazy. In fact, both of you are crazy, and you can't really make each other any crazier. She could drive you around the parking lot of crazy, but that's about it."

"Wait, so not only do you have to fly these ungrateful bastards around the universe, but when you talk to them you have to talk like a retard?!" -- Rogue/Scientist's player, upon learning that Pilots have to speak very slowly and simply in order to be understood even when the translator microbes are working

Delvian's player: "Do I get any control points back while I'm...uh...in my quarters, having this photogasm?"
Scientist/Pirate's player: "I think it should count as light recreation."

"The point is, if she gets visited by Barfy the budong tonight, she’s going to do it in your quarters!" -- the aristocrat explains why the drunk Banik is going to be put into the Delvian's quarters rather than his

GM: "Wait, is Jara really saying that, or is that just internal monologue?"
Aristocrat's player: "Everything my character thinks is external monologue."

--
we should do a better job of writing these things down
ryan

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Priestess (looking for traps: "I take the spear and stick it in every possible hole")


Parents "You saved our child. How can we ever repay you?"
Wizard "Money"

DM: "The first enemy drops"
Me (Ranger): "I sh*t on the other one" (wanted to say shot...)

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Oh, and I forgot the #1 all-time quote by our CN Elven Evoker:

"I'm chaotic neutral, why can't I just walk around killing people?"

 

[Aeric]

Our party entered a room where a dead man sat upon a throne, a note clutched tightly in his hand.

The rogue in the party looked at the note and said--with a straight face--"he probably wrote that before he died."

 

[Aeric]

From an old AD&D game:

In the Underdark, masquerading as drow, the party walks into a magic item shop in a drow city.

The drow shopkeeper, with no sort of roll or Charisma check involved, managed to convince our wizard that the Staff of Fire he had looted off an opponent was fairly common, even going so far as to claim that they had apprentices create them en masse for practice. He then offered the wizard a scroll of Magic Missile in exchange for the staff, claiming that it was a special version of the spell because the missiles looked like glowing purple skulls instead of the usual glowing yellow arrows. The wizard bought it hook, line, and sinker, and the party was out a powerful and valuable magic item.

Later on, in a trap-laden dungeon, the same character managed to avoid being squished by a descending ceiling trap by jumping into a nearby pool. Later, when faced with an identical room (and an identical trap), the wizard pulled the same trick--only to discover that the pool in this room was filled not with water, but with acid.

The player's defense for his bad decision-making later on? "You're the DM; you're not supposed to lie to me!"

****

From a Star Wars game:

The party had cornered a Dark Jedi after finishing off his minions. The PC Jedi (who was notorious for making questionably moral judgement calls) then proceeded to cut both of the Dark Jedi's legs off with his lightsaber--in a non-combat situation.

When it was clear that his action didn't sit well with the rest of us (in or out of character), he said "what? It's not like I killed him!"

****

Along a similar note, from another old AD&D game:

The PCs had captured one of the bad guys and had him chained to a wall in a cave far from civilization (I think it was originally his lair). The Chaotic Good Paladin then proceeded to torture the helpless captive for information.

When we all gave him that look (you know the one), he simply said, "your version of good is different from mine."

 

[Loki_wolf]

my group was battling an acid demon inside an old castle keep, and our team's samauri lost his ancestral katana in the pool of acid at the demon's feet. Due to the possible dishonor for losing his ancestral weapon, he decides to jump into the pool of acid to retrieve it. needless to say, he never surfaced.

 

[drunkmoogle]

Bard was telling a story, basing it off of the one-headed horseman.

Bard: So the one-legged horseman rode into the village...
Other PCs, intterupting: and fell off on one side!!!
...
Bard: I knew I should've rolled Perform before my act...

Think about it...

 

[Particle_Man]

Bard was telling a story, basing it off of the one-headed horseman.

That's a whole different kind of funny. I take it he spoke in a very high voice?

Speaking of different kinds of funny, one "4th wall" joke occured last week when a player couldn't make it and a new guy guest-played the character.

(read both in fake haughty noble voices)

NPC: Ah, Demon's Bane. I have heard of your deeds!

Guest Player: I have no idea what those are!

...well, we thought it was funny...