Game Bloopers and Quotes

[Kae'Yoss]

Players to the (she-)player who played a woodelfen amazone: "You can't rape our paladin!"
"But it's his fault. He's the one who got drunk!" (On Feywine. Guess who stood him to that....)

Wizard in a great bazaar haggling for a headband of intellect (merchant wouldn't go below list price), shouting at the top of his voice: "BUT I NEED IT BADLY!")

Twisted world:
In one campaign, we crossed the DM by not hurrying to a town we thought might be sieged by hordes soon (we thought, we had a little time) so we arrived half a day late - at noon instead of midnight. We encountered a vampire priestess of velsharoon there - it took us till about half an hour after that fight before anyone noticed that that ***** walked in broad daylight (noone noticed before that - neither players nor the DM).

In the same campaign:
"We go into the tavern:"
"Since the druid's dire bear is too large to fit through the door, you have to tether it outside"
(a little later)
"What's my bear doing?"
"Hm... he's eating a couple of children that hitherto played on the streets."
"At 4 a.m?"

One time, I described the party the BBEG and had them roll init before I realized that the description in the module was meant to describe her on the mural, not in the flesh.

Attractive female rogue: "I think I go to yonder waterfall and take a shower"
Elf: (like a shot) "I'll keep watch!"

 

[milotha]

Well, I've had the GM make a couple of funny mistakes.

1. The party is adventuring in an old well known module that none of us had ever been on before. The GM had been run on it before. We encountered a particularly nasty enemy and cleverly defeated it. The GM spent the next 5 minutes regaling us with his tale of utter woe during this encounter. It ended with "Our real problem was that the cleric of our party had been killed by the doppleganger back a couple of rooms and we hadn't realized it... Oh crud" We all shout "Doppleganger! What doppleganger?" We immediately begin testing the eachother to see if we our still ourselves.

2. A different GM. There was a character who was also a ninja in the party, but he was trying to hide it from the rest of us. In the middle of the session the GM says, and the ninja attacks the orc... So much for secrets.

 

[ManicFuel]

DM: "...when you hear the sound of hobnail boots."
PC: "Ah! We're being attacked by hobnails!"

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DM: "The town, and your base, have been razed by the rampaging dragon. The earth is slagged beyond repair, and the carnage of innocents is complete."
PC: "OUR MONEY!!"

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DM: "Dawn approaches."
PC: "Who the hell is Dawn, and why is she following us around at night?"

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NPC: [explains impossibly complex, medieval bureaucratic process to PCs]
PC1: "Who do we take this form to again?"
NPC: *sigh* "Must I explain this again? It's not rocket science!"
PC2: *laughing* "What kind of science??"
PC1: "Is this going to be another form?"

 

[DragonShadow]

These are from not only the same campaign, but the same gaming session:


DM (me): You're in the foyer of the ruined mansion. Aside from the main entrance you've just entered, there's a portculis blocking the path to the adjoining corridor.
PC1: Is it hostile?
Me: What..?
PC1: The port-thingy. Is it hostile?
Me: ...it's a portculis...
PC1: ...nevermind.
Me: Anyway...there are square holes in the ceiling and 4 sconces on the walls. What do you do?
PC's all walk into the room and try to open the portculis. PC's1 and 2 stand in the center of the room.
PC3: I pull on one of the sconces.
Me: You hear a rumbling sound coming from above you.
PC1: I look up.
Me: ....a gigantic wooden beam plummets out of the hole above you. Roll Reflex saving throw (fails). You take (X amount, can't remember offhand. ) of damage and are pinned.
PC3: I pull on another sconce.
Me: ...which one...?
PC3: The one across the room.
Me:....(PC1) another beam falls out and lands on top of you. You take (X amount) of damage. (PC2), give me a reflex save. (fails) *sigh* You take the same amount of damage.
PC3: I pull on another sconce!
Me: Fine! The porcullis opens up, but the rest of your party is still pinned under the enormous wooden beams you so happily dropped on their heads.
PC3: I point and laugh at them.


--later on--

Me: As you're walking down the ruined corridor, you notice a trip wire. What do you do?
PC1: I poke at it with my guitar.
Me:...you have GOT to be kidding me...
PC1: No, I poke it.
(after the trap is sprung and water begins filling the newly formed room)
PC1: Well, I knew it was a trap, I just wanted to see what would happen.
Me: ...*sigh*...a hole opens in the wall and the small room you're in starts filling with water.
PC1: I stick my hand in the hole.
Me:...your hand, arm, and shoulder are now soaked.
PC1: I feel around inside.
Me: *tries not to fall out of his chair* You can't quite feel anything but water and the chute it's pouring out of.
PC3: I smash it with my sword to try and make it bigger!
Me: Can you at least let him remove his hand first...?
PC3: Sure thing.
Me: ...roll the d20...(success) you double the size of the hole and the water is pouring in faster.
PC1: Okay, I stick my head in to try and see where the water is coming from.

 

[Dark Nemesis]

My character, a rather self-righteous cleric, had just found the armor that she had been searching for, ever since she had been introduced into the game. One of the effects of the armor was that it cast light in a 30’ radius around her. As this put a crimp in the rogue’s style of sneaking in darkness, he asked if she could try to wear two cloaks, to try and dim the light some. My cleric’s haughty reply: “The light of justice refuses to be double-bagged!”

 

[rkr1970]

Fool 'em all!

I am currently playing a halffling wizard/rogue. He has informed the party, on several occasions, that he is not to be trusted any further than he can throw the half-orc. He won't steal from their persons, but until the treasure is divided, it's fair game. He is, however, the only one with a bag of holding or an Int over 12. That's why it's his job to count and carry the treasure from every dungeon, but someone else always writes it all down as we go. Every week before we play, the DM and I roll Slight of Hand vs. Spot for that PC. I have yet to fail. We then erase from the party treasure all of the final digits from the list of coins and the last item on the list, which the DM figures I will want for myself. It wasn't until someone noticed that I was using a "stolen" item from a previous treasure that I (the player) was caught. When they realized that I had absconded with 90% of the treasure from the last dozen adventures, they all agreed that I had played in character, and that it was a very original stunt, fooling players and PCs both. The PC in charge of "keeping me honest", however, has been relegated to party pack mule for his lack of vigilance and his player was forced to wear a dunce cap for several sessions. Another player now keeps the list with him, written in pen. :\
The quote that goes with this is now an every session mantra...
"Keep that 'fling away from our gold!"

 

[knitnerd]

Cruelty

NPC: [explains impossibly complex, medieval bureaucratic process to PCs]
PC1: "Who do we take this form to again?"
NPC: *sigh* "Must I explain this again? It's not rocket science!"
PC2: *laughing* "What kind of science??"
PC1: "Is this going to be another form?"
You have bureacrats as hazards in your game. That's cruelty.

 

[Privateer]

"More fun the a bear full of gunpowder!" a PC after killing a bear
"I bleed in a pattern" same fight, an unconcious bleeding PC, trying to communicate
"I loot my old character's body" a PC in a deathmarch-style dungeon

Sheesh. Got it all wrong.

"More fun than a bear full of gunpowder!"

"I try to move."
"You can't, you're unconcious on the ground."
"Okay. I don't wiggle, I just bleed."
Later...
"I say --"
"You can't talk, you're bleeding."
"I bleed in a pattern."

Also:
Needing a name for an elf character: "Um... Elf...rath...Flowerhead...? Elfrath Flowerhead."

"You have a 1 charisma. I don't even know why they let you travel with them."

 

[Henry]

I have one, but I giggle too much every time I think about it...

...Remember, kids, when pronouncing the name of a gang leader named "Big Gizz," that the "G" is NOT soft...

 

[Paelryder]

OK, the party is tagging along with a caravan to a major city when a red dragon attacks. Everyone but the party and a few guards scatters. After a few rounds, the party realizes it is going to get whipped and D-doors to safety. The dragon retrieves an item and flies off. The party lays low for a few minutes to be sure the dragon is gone. They then try to round up the survivors and the horses and the enchanter's pack mule that had a good amount of party stuff on it. The cleric with Travel domain casts fly on one of the tanks to search for the mule. He spends a few minutes searching and spots the mule quite a distance away. I tell him that his fly spell won't last long enough to get him back to the group.

Player says: " That's OK, when my fly goes down, I ride his a** "