Game Bloopers and Quotes

[Kormydigar]

Hows about sharing all those funny moments from recent, and old memorable games where the player said one thing, and ment another (or at least ment, to mean/say another).

How bout some really bad mistakes?

Anything to make me laugh.

We have had some real good blunders over the years:

Player: "We go down the stairs and have a look around."

DM: " OK. At the bottom of the stairs is a large room with a domed ceiling. Along the east wall are four traps, would you like to check for statues?"

*******
In one game, almost twelve years ago. One of the Pc's played the role of Defender, and the other Pc's were his deputies.The Defenders character inherited a special magical sword from the previous Defender. It was passed down as each new Defender assumed the title. At the ceremony which began the campaign, we were all swearing our oath of loyalty to the Defender. One member of our group (and you know who you are) kneeled before the Defender and said with a straight face-" Your sword is mine!"

*****
In a more recent game that I am running,(a converted and altered Scourge of the Slavelords for those familiar with that adventure) The Pc's defeated two evil NPC's along the road- one of them an exceptionally tough dwarf. The Pc's looted and buried the bodies. They got the idea to disguise the dwarf in the party to look like the one they killed. They did this and outfitted the dwarf with the dead dwarf's equipment hoping to get a man inside the bad guys operation. The Pc's arrived in town and headed toward the scumy tavern where they hoped to use the disguised dwarf to acquire information. After fumbling around a bit in the tavern and asking around for information, the Pc's got some attention they did not count on. The dead dwarf's more evil, and meaner brother comes down the stairs with his wizard companion an gang of thugs. He approaches the Pc's, sees the dwarf dressed up like his brother, and demands to know the Pc's business. Looking right at the slightly embarrassed dwarf he asks "So.....what exactly have you done with my brother?" To which the dwarf pc responds " oh.........we buried him". The combat of course, began immediately!

 

[BlackMoria]

The party had just slain the frost giant chieftain and the paladin and barbarian were trying to figure out a way to use his giant sized heavy crossbow.

Barbarian: It is too massive for any of us to use.

Paladin: No, it's not. Look. I will strap it straight along my back and carry it like that. Then to use it, I will bend over and you can get behind me and start cocking....

Rest of Players: <gales of laughter>

Paladin: What?

***********************
The barbarian is fighting a advanced fiendish gorillon...

DM: The two claw attacks both hit, doing a total of 64 damage....

Barbarian: I shout out "Is that all you got, pussy!!"

DM: ...and the other two claws hit as well, allowing him to initiate a rend attack....

Barbarian: "Cleric!!!!!!!"

************************

DM: Flitting into view, you see a small irridescent green faeiry dragon.....

Paladin: "F***ing run!!!!" [Paladin books it down the road at a high rate of knots]

New Player: Why? Faeiry dragons are mischieveous jokesters but they are not dangerous...

Paladin: The last faeiry dragon we met idea of a joke was watching and laughing as the grey render it honked off killed half the party off.....

New Player: Well then....running is a good thing then [New player books it after the Paladin]

 

[The_Gneech]

So the group's fighter has this dwarven waraxe (and the feat to go with it) that's a family heirloom and his weapon of choice for all occasions. Over the course of the game, instead of having a magic item for him to find in a dungeon, I had him encounter a benevolent ghost who enchanted the axe to be +1 and ghost touch, using the samurai concept of leveling up a weapon rather than upgrading to a new one and discarding the old. So far, so good.

So anyway, they're making their way through an old mine and they find, tucked away in a corner, a room with a gray ooze, just sorta slurping around minding its own business. Now, gray oozes have a movement rate of 10' -- the easiest way to defeat one is to just walk away. But not axe boy! He runs right up to the thing and, you guessed it, chops away at it with his beloved family heirloom.

Which then fails its saving throw and promptly disintegrates in his hand.

The player was depressed for the rest of the night; the character was despondent for the rest of the campaign.

-The Gneech

 

[Talmun]

Once, in a 2nd ed game we had just started, the party was trapped somewhere (down a pit, IIRC) and we were running down the list of equipment we'd bought at character creation to see what we had that could be of use. The conversation went something like this...

PC1: 'I have 50 feet of rope.'
PC2: 'I have a 10 foot pole'
PC3: 'I have a grappling hook.'
PC4: 'I have 5 pounds of soap.'
All: silence

To this day we're not sure why he spent the money and bought that much soap at character creation.

Another time I was DMing my first game for my current group, I was nervous and had already stuttered through some descriptions. I decided I would put my nervousness aside and be as professional as possible, so when the party was approaching a village, I said with firm command of the language "...You come abreast of the hill, and..." The group disintegrated into laughter that didn't stop for 20 minutes. Occasionally this still gets brought up now, five years later, and still gets great laughs, lucky me.

 

[Dregan Varokin]

In a dd3 game.
The PC Warrior from a solitary Nomadic Desert Tribe, with nothing that resembles spellcraft, comes into town looking for Horseshoes of the Zephyr, clearly to everyone else in the group that is something he would know nothing about.

PC:I am looking for Horseshoes of the Zephyr
Merchant:One moment let me check my inventory. Ah Yes here they are.
(holds up a pair of battered horseshoes)
Merchant: These will make your horse fly like the wind(Bluff Chk 26)
PC:Those arn't Them! He's trying to trick me! I won't buy them.
DM:Well you know that, but your character doesn't, make a Sense Motive Chk.
PC:But I didn't put anything into Sense Motive.
DM:Well you could still roll a Natural 20
PCRolls a 1) Ah Crap..

He ends up buying these normal horseshoes for full Zephyr Price.
& the best part is that everyone else in the group thought it was so funny they all convinced his character(through multiple bluff chks)that they really worked.
___

INTRODUCTION OF A NEW PARTY MEMBER:
PC's make a sucessful listen chk.
DM: You hear something comming from the room you left your camels in.
PC's:We sneak into the room.
DM:You See a little man trying to steal your treasure laiden camel. The Camel is not moving. The noise you heard is the man cursing at the camel in order to get it to move.
PC Leader: I Sneak up behind him.
DM:Make a Move Sielnt Roll - (Doesn't Succeed)
NewCharacter:I stop pulling on the camel and look at it and say,"Wait a minute you arn't my camel! What did you do with Howler? I must go find him. and I start to leave.

He actually succeeded in becoming the parties Slave/Servant/B***h/Merchant.

___

In a Previous Vampire Game:
ST:You enter the room. Hundreds of Zombies begin to move toward you.
Brent:Wait didn't I see some Beer Kegs in the other Room?
ST:Yeah, Why?
Brent: I Run and get as many as I can Carry.
ST: OK, Based on your Strength and Size, I'll Give you 6.
Brenterfect, Time to go Zombie Bowling!

_____

Spycraft Game:1st Vehical incounter of the game.

DM:15 Mafia Thugs with Machine Guns get out of the two limos & Taking Aim.
GroupSitting in the van) OH S**T!
The Wheel Man:Ok as my Free action I am activating my Pop-Up Shields.
DM:OK, They open up on the Van Rittleing it with bullet holes! What is your Vehicals Hardness rating?
Wheelman: 32
DM: WHAT!!??
Wheelman: Yup.
DM:Ok They Open up on the Van and don't even scratch it.
The Van was from then on labled the BAV(Bad A** Van)

__
Dregan Varokin

 

[Mr. Kaze]

Every group has these...

--

Assassin, in evil party, regarding Bebelith: "C'mon guys, we can take it!" (1 fatality, 2 near-fatal poisonings, Bebelith got away)

Same Assassin, next session, regarding a Stone Golem: "C'mon guys, we can take it!" (party didn't go for it)

--

My evil group has a troll in it which has saved them more time and money on healing than 5 characters' worth of treasure. It's also gotten them both into and out of trouble, such as this...

Troll was carrying a PC's cultist through a noxious smoke filled room and falls into a deep pit trap. Some mephits fly over to see what's going on. The cultist explains that he's fighting with this very dangerous rampaging troll and hits the troll a couple of times with his mace. Mephits don't buy it because they're bastards -- but after a while of Punch & Judy, they get bored and wander off, allowing the troll and the cultist time to figure out how to crawl out of the pit. Well, they do and they head just a few feet south out of the smokey room into a guard post -- cultist, followed by the troll. Guards see cultist -- okay. Guards see troll -- rampaging troll, very dangerous. So the guards all attack the troll, except for one who, with a valient cry of "I'll save you sir!" bull rushes the cultist out of the fight on the first round while he's still flat-footed.

--

There was an evil druid called Dearth Voodooer and his dire boar companion, Animalkin Skywalker. They'd been serving an evil cult, but fell out of favor after challenging and losing to the mighty Oni Con Wasabi.

My players still haven't forgiven me for that one.

--

The party is going to go try to infiltrate a pack of bad guys who are assisted by a high-level bard. This is the party that has the baby troll as their lead fighter. The baby troll with a will save of something like +2. They're stuck at a guard post trying to get in and in strolls the bard, all smiles and friendliness. One of the cultists wants to give the rogue a diversion so she can backstab the bard. "Punt," he says to the troll, "talk to the bard."

"Okay," says the troll. "So you're a famous singer? Could you sing me a song?"

"Sure, roll Will" says the DM, stunned and amazed at this particular strategy.

The troll and the rogue both fail, of course.

--

The assassin has a clever plan to isolate the bad guys in their island fortress (as teleport is generally not allowed in my game to avoid the scry/teleport/TPK combo) -- "We'll just smash all of the bridges!"

"But then we can't get in there to kill them," observes a cultist.

"So we'll leave one bridge intact," replies the assassin.

"But then they'll only have to fortify one point of entry," observes the troll.

"Well can we at least sink the boats then?" begs the assassin.

"What good would that do?" asks the sorceror.

"If we sink the boats, then they can't use them," the assassin says smugly.

"But the boats are on our side of the water -- that's why we can get to them to sink them in the first place," boggles the cultist.

"So we'll row the boats over to the island and then sink them! That'll show 'em!" triumphs the assassin.

"A plan so crazy, it just might work," replies everybody at the table in chorus...


::Kaze (loves having the assassin in the game; he's just a delightful font of bad advice.)

 

[Hanuman47]

Funny stuff!

This one's not a blunder, but humorous none the less:

One of our party had infiltrated the evil cultists' chapel and decided to deface the statue of the god. He finished writing some childish graffiti and stepped back to admire his handiwork, only to notice the cult members all watching him.

It got very quiet for a moment.

Finally, the cult leader says "I can't stand to see a man bleed. Put a bag over his head."

 

[ichabod]

Ichabod's Favorite Gaming Quotes
--------------------------------

You're saying you're NOT crazy because you DO hear voices?
We haven't committed genocide YET. We missed one.
I jump off the building. (pause) How high up is it?
I cast location. How far away is it? 40 feet ... 35 feet ... 30 feet ...
I am NOT getting a slug as a familiar!
While he's got the guards distracted, something crawls out of my pants leg.
Don't think of it as looting dead people. Think of it as archaeology.
But what if it's undead fecal matter?
Sometimes I like to go into the shower, turn on scalding hot water, bang my head agains the faucets, and do calculus. Other times I like to make Rolemaster characters.
You kill the toy soldier. I'll cover you.
Surrender or Die! (character passes out)
PC1: Maybe we should go out and try to kill them all. PC2: We could try to talk to them. PC1: Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
I can't lie for all of us.
I'm just a snake man, I have no external genetalia, what do I know?
Oh, mighty things that can hurt us, please don't.
I critically grapple his ass.
We'd like one plot device, no mist please.
The best is if they split up, because we can take 125 of them.
We haven't done anything evil lately.
Going back to when we were completely clueless ...
To the south. Your other south.
Is there anything we can do to inhibit psychic powers, like put a helmet on her or wrap her head in molten lead or something?
He was just trolling for plot points and found one.
How much trouble would we be in if we weren't good?
PC1: So we pissed off the Thief's Guild, we pissed off the Wizard's Guild... PC2: We're still memebers of the library in good standing.
Like a little drow baloon.
Follow me -Invisible character
We're only temporarily killing him.
The world does not revolve around you, it's just sort of bouncing towards you.
Is there any chaotic stupid alignment?
Polymorph want a cracker?
Yuan-ti ho-ti
Poor defenseless demon baby.
Leave no die unrolled.
Ah, the strong maternal instincts of evil dragons.
PC1: Hey, worst case scenario we end up in Heaven. PC2: Only in a campaign run by Craig O'Brien would that be a worst case scenario.
Abyssal: the standard language for all contracts.
What's his name ... me ...
I put a Mark of Justice on his ass.
It's an adamantium cube, hidden in a trapped temple, on an island of death. Does this scream don't with me to anyone else?
How did I walk back into a conversation about cup size tripple I?
I hadn't statted this guy out because I didn't think you'd provoke him that much.

 

[los_bastardo]

Heh. I'm in the same Gaming group as Talmun, and I can vouch for some goofy stuff thats happened. We had a girl in the group that Insisted on Grappling with lycanthropes. I mean, this was a 3rd or 4th time thing. Talmun, sweet as can be, (Imagine a REALLY sincere guy that looks like John Belushi and you've got the image down) Says "****, Please don't hug the Werewolf."

Heh.

 

[Sargon the Kassadian]

"More fun the a bear full of gunpowder!" a PC after killing a bear
"I bleed in a pattern" same fight, an unconcious bleeding PC, trying to communicate
"I loot my old character's body" a PC in a deathmarch-style dungeon